Shining White Revue #4

Mike Dikk: This is the 4th installment of the ever popular Shining White Revue, where my friend Jay, who has very basic knowledge of rap music reviews todays hits without knowing what they are. You either love it or you hate it by now. I've been sitting on this installment for a while now, so the songs aren't quite as fresh as they were a few weeks ago. Here we go:

Song 1: Little Brother - Good Clothes

Jay Pud: This is pretty fresh. It’s on the opposite note of that Nas song from my last review because I can actually identify with this shit. My dad used to take me to Kmart to get my school clothes, and I’d always end up with those sweatpants hoodies that had sweatpant grey sleeves, but the rest of the shirt was designed in flannel. That sucked because big black people would make fun of me and beat me up, and their stockpile of Kmart clothes jokes was endless. So I’d beg him for some not Kmart clothes. I’d ask him to take me to Bob’s, which, if that place is not in every state, is basically Kmart’s kick-ass older brother with a switchblade and backwards baseball cap. He never did until I was about sixteen, and then I upgraded from Martha Stewart to Carhartt, but I had much less clothes. And he also bought me Xavier Macdaniel shoes which came with a free basketball, and Converse Allstars which pretty much sealed my fate. Also, we had a neighbor with 2 boys who were two years older than my brother and I, and they used to give us garbage bags of their old Kmart garbage, and so we’d have to walk around with them fully knowing that we were little scrotum kids, wearing clothes that they probably jerked off on and took doodoo’s on. Anyways, this song is good on that note, but I am sick of it now because I listened to it four times in a row and I’m tired of the beat.
On a side note, I have to talk about something that happened to me back in them days. My dad had a green Carhartt jacket that I stole one day because I had some ugly ass Kmart shit and I was sick of getting made fun of. So anyways, I lost the jacket, which I just accounted to either A) my habit of losing shit, or B) someone stealing it from me at school because I used to leave my locker open for general use amongst girls and some of my friends, or C) I left it in Mike’s room where if something disappeared, it was usually forever. About 6 months later my dad beat my ass when he figured out that the jacket was gone and I confessed like the fuckwad that I was. About a month after that, Mike started walking around with the same jacket that he “Bought from Bob’s.” Fucking bullshit.

Song 2: Ghostface feat. Kid Capri - Celebrate

Jay Pud: Okay, first off, I can respect that he’s announcing that he wants to celebrate. I love to celebrate. Who doesn’t? If I had enough scrilla to buy 30 grand’s worth of windex, I’d be in a partying mood, too. I just wish that he’d have chosen a better way of celebrating than popping a champagne cork. Shit like that, and I’m guessing that this is Ghostface because of the constant references to “ghost,” makes someone that’s supposed to be a super-genius just a cleverer version of a cliché. A genius would be celebrating by brooding in the self-hatred that accompanies knowing that you are somehow smarter than everyone else in the world, thereby making you a freak of nature whom nobody understands, and it doesn’t matter because you wouldn’t want to hang out with those idiots anyway. And is this guy a genius? I don’t fucking know because I never really listened to him, but I guess not because he’s just doing the same shit as everyone else. And the “I just want to celebrate” song pisses me off when I hear it. It reminds me of my dad doing a retarded rendition of the twist at a wedding. Maybe I’m just too dimwitted to pick up on the subtle nuances of his craft. Maybe I just don’t want to try because I know that, ultimately, when I get to the core of it, it’ll be just another rapper bragging about how rich he is and how he picked up his stinky turd, polished it with a magic rag, and turned it into a pile of gold.

Song 3: Fat Joe feat. Lil Wayne - The Crackhouse

Jay Pud: FUCK! I used capitals and an exclamation point because I can’t go into the computer and vomit all over you. If I did that, you’d get the gist of this song without having to waste the space downloading it. This makes me appreciated the song above a little bit more. Not to a point where I think it’s any good, but at least he tried to write some lyrics. This guy is actually talking about shitting on people. Not in a funny way, either. I seriously think that the guy who keeps saying welcome to the crack house, and who talks about shitting on people is an honest to goodness retard and the guy who apparently “runs the streets” is just the idiot who carts him around to Mcdonalds for a happy meal and then maybe to the park so he can swing on the swings. JOEY KEEPS DOING IT. GET HIM JOEY. MEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. JOEY WANTS A CHICKEN NUGGET. If anyone buys this album, I hate them. Sincerely. I can’t wait to find out who this is so I can begin to look in the cars coming through my gas station for this cd. Then I will shit on them, but in a funny way. Seriously, only a retarded would say they are sleeping on a billion dollars. JOEY WANTS TO SLEEP ON A GAZILLION DOLLARS MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!