NFL WK 22: the stupid fucking Super Bowl

Man, I had no idea how to really go about doing my final bullshit NFL weekly post, because no retard science can really interest me in this game. A few weeks back, I was in first in some local classic rock station's stupid contest to win a flat screen DVD bullshit set-up, but the Giants caused me to flame out, meaning I will never have a $1200 TV now (because I ain't spending that much money on some shit I just sit there and stare at like some zombie faggot, like I got real shit I could be doing other than fucking my own brain up happily at a high price tag), so it's still my shitty old school 32 inch motherfucker from 1990-something that my bro-in-law gave us for free as a present, which will be our TV again for another few years. (Oh yeah, some other dude gave us a nice non-new flat technology TV, but it was too big for the wardrobe cabinet my grandfather made that we use as our TV cabinet, so I gave it to some other folks who didn't have no TV at all... trickle down economics man. Fuck a tax rebate, they ought to just make rich fuckers put a bunch of stuff outside their gated communities for middle class fuckers to have, and then middle class fuckers could put all their old shit at the strip malls for poor people to get bused out and have. And then the poor people could burn all their old useless shit in abandoned buildings and the government could provide beer, those little cheap ass "drinks" that come in colors not flavors in fake ass plastic barrels with aluminum foil tops, and slimy red hot dogs by the dozens.)
But finally what I decided, not only to make a chickenshit salad post out of a chickenshit attitude towards this Super Bowl game, is to list out who I was pulling for and against, as individuals. I had thought about doing that same old corny Top 8 list with the helmets like all year, but what would I do? Offense, defense, special teams, and coaching? Man, that's fucking played. Every two-bit newspaper cockhole is doing that shit for Sunday's paper as we speak, so fuck that noise. I got my two lists of ten, each spot is either negative or positive points for my rooting ability, and by the end of this fucker I guess I'll figure out what I'm pulling for. I'll start at #10s and work up to #1s, and we'll let positivity start over negativity because I've been listening to a lot of Guru lately...
#10 DUDE I'M ROOTING FOR - GIANTS DEFENSIVE END OSI UMENYIORA. He's obviously by his name some sort of crazy foreigner who probably slow-cooked goats in his dorm room in college, and then John Dawson hipped me to this story of some chick talking about how ol' Osi likes to shit on chicks as a sexual kick. Man, in this time of everybody being all jaded and cynical about being American, what with wars and full of shit politicians running amok on cable TVto get our "vote" like two years from now or whenever that shit actually finally happens, it's good to just remember the American dream. Here's some African fucker who probably twisted scrap lead wire into toy cars as a youth, sniffed jenkem as a teenager, but made it to America, where he makes millions of dollars for chasing whiteboys with balls around, and gets to shit on full-grown American women for his own slimy pleasure. It's not only a slice of the American Dream, but it's a tale of African comeuppance as well. God bless motherfuckin' Osi Umenyiora. I hope he shits all over Ghiselle Souvilihana or whatever that model slut's name is that's got Brady sperms in her urethra. (Plus one point for the Giants, putting me at +1 a Giants fan this Sunday)
#10 DUDE I'M ROOTING AGAINST - PATRIOTS LINEBACKER JUNIOR SEAU. When Junior Seau was the only Samoan dude other than Mosi Tatupu in the NFL, and he played in San Diego where it was sunny and California and you could easily imagine the Boo-Yaa Tribe and all of Afa & Sika's nephews hanging out in the parking lot, lifting weights and giving each other tribal/cholo tattoos, Seau had this certain gangsta ass appeal as the crazy linebacker dude. But now that he's been playing for 29 years, including three or four in his latest post-retirement stint, hoping to clutch at a Super Bowl ring, and every NFL team seems to have like five former WAC players with names long on vowels and short on hard consonants, Junior Seau just seems like an old fucker who won't go away. I could give a fuck less how great a linebacker he was, there is nothing less impressive than old superstars riding some young players' collective jocks for a professional team sports title. I hope not only that Seau doesn't get his ring, but he tears his ACL or some shit and can never make another half-assed "Let me play like seven plays but get 39 camera shots standing around on the sideline being an intense veteran leader" attempt at a ring. Fuck him. (Minus one point for the Patriots, putting me at +2 for the Giants.)
#9 AGAINST - PATRIOTS COACH BILL BELICHICK. I don't really loathe Belichick like I have loathed other NFL coaches, I'm just sick of hearing people talk about him. It's gotten boring. I mean, I hated Bill Walsh and Jimmy Johnson far more than I could ever probably hate Belichick, but at the same time, that whole genius sweatshirt monotone interviews puts everybody on the injury report shit is getting tired. He should switch up his schtick and like want to wear suits on the sideline next year, but wear really flamboyant ass suits that Bryan Cox picks out for him, and do his media engagements in a fake British accent. (Minus two points for the Patriots, putting me at +4 for the Giants.)
#9 FOR - PATRIOT KICKER STEPHEN GOSTKOWSKI. Adam Vinateri was considered the most clutch stupid kicker ever, and maybe the first ever to get in the Hall of Fame (I think there ain't no homo ass kickers there right now, at least not dudes who were kicking specialists but probably some old school fuckers who were like linebacker/wide receiver/kicker), so when he got allowed to be a free agent fucker in Indy, the Pats went out and drafted this kid. He has done pretty well, and I like the fact he has one of those corny ass ethnic white person last names. You don't see enough of those anymore, what with rap music causing us all to fuck betwixt the races. Plus, half the kids nowadays take their mom's last name. It's nice to see a spunky little white dude named Gostkowski kicking extra points for the Patriots. I also think, again because of rap music, I have an affinity for guys with "-owski" names, because it used to be slang that a dick was called "Jimbrowski" or "Jimmy". UVA, back then, had an offensive lineman named Jim Dombrowski, and being I was young, I assumed he probably had the biggest dick ever. And I guess any time a football player is named Someshitowski, to this day, I assume he's packing a Haitian Special Police baton third leg, and what guy isn't stoked for another dude who's dragging such a sexual specimen around between his thighs? We would all have one if we could wish for it. (Plus two points for the Patriots, making it +2 for the Giants.)
#8 FOR - PATRIOTS WIDE RECEIVER WES WELKER. Stupid looking, average build white dude becomes superstar, just by being meticulous about doing what he's supposed to do with the Xs and Os. He ain't fast, flashy, or flamboyant. He's a stupid white dude still playing wide receiver in the NFL in 2008. It might be an unconscious deeply embedded racism within me, or it could just be the same contrarian asshole nature that loves black punters, but I will always be stoked for a white wide receiver in this day and age. Except Joe Jurivicius. I hate that fucker. (Plus three points for the Patriots, putting them ahead +1 in who I will apply my cosmic energy towards.)
#8 AGAINST - GIANTS OFFENSIVE LINEMAN CHRIS SNEE. To be honest, I just don't like Snee because he's Tom Coughlin's son-in-law. What's the fucking chances you'd get some chick pregnant whose dad is an NFL coach, and then end up being NFL caliber enough to play for that team? Slim and none, that's the chances. There's some athletic illuminati bullshit going on behind all this, and I can't really think of a lot more to it because I have yet to buy an old copying machine from a surplus store where the machine came from NFL headquarters and inside on the glass was a detailed flowchart and description of how NFL power structure since Bill Walsh powered his way to the top of the behind-the-curtain hierarchy shapes up, and where Coughlin fits in this, and what '70s NFL team coach or executive Chris Snee has lizard bloodlines to. (Minus 3 points for the Giants, making it +4 the Patriots.)
#7 AGAINST - GIANTS COACH TOM COUGHLIN. See above. Also realize that Coughlin is a born again holy roller who was as hardcore about his players being born again in the spirit of Jesus themselves as he was about them being five minutes early to meetings in Jacksonville. I doubt that's changed entirely since he went to New York, though the big storyline is how he changed so much this year, became so much more easy-going and shit. I guess either the zionist influence of Jew York weakened his will, or just the overall devilish influences of such a Babylonian metropolis did it, but whichever way, it would be funny if God (haha, I capitalized it like it not only exists but I should revere it) smote him down. Although his red ass face in that Packers game was funny, like he went skiing with goggles on and got sunburn everywhere except around his eyes. (Minus 4 pionts for the Giants, making it +8 for the Patriots.)
#7 FOR - GIANTS KICKER LAWRENCE TYNES. Damn, two kickers on the For list. Tynes is some sort of white foreigner (meaning either Norwegian or Australian, but I can't remember which), and he got into drunken fistfights as a Kansas City Chief. The ONLY way a professional football kicker can be awesome is if they are a drunken foreigner. Bonus points if you never played American college football (which I don't think Tynes ever did), and double bonus points if he's violated the NFL's drug policy by using recreational pharmaceuticals (which I have no idea whether Tynes has done, but I'm sure if he hasn't violated the test, it's because they weren't asking his piss the right questions.) (Plus 4 points for the Giants, cutting it to +4 for the Patriots.)
#6 FOR - GIANTS WIDE RECEIVER PLAXICO BURRESS. That "guarantee" interview thing from this week was the biggest non-story there ever was. Like, if that's bulletin board material, then the Patriots ought to just start sharing peanut butter pie recipes on the bulletin board too, because they're obviously over-sensitive faggots. Plaxico didn't say anything really shitty; he just straight up had confidence in his team, like you would want somebody to do. I guess Brady made a huffaw at the fact he only said the Pats would score 17, but he said 23 to 17. It's not like he said, "Man, those guys suck. We should be up by 3 touchdowns at halftime, and coast through the second half, flirting with dancers on the sideline. Get your popcorn ready." I also like it because I don't think Plaxico has practiced all year long, because of an ankle injury he's been nursing every day of the week except Sunday. You gotta respect a cat who's got his hustle together, doing as little as possible to stay paid, but doing just enough to keep from getting replaced. (Plus five points for the Giants, putting them back ahead +1.)
#6 AGAINST - PATRIOTS OWNER ROBERT KRAFT. I have read enough Howard Zinn essays on Industrial Age barons to know not to fucking root for guys whose last name is things that are in the store (or the store itself). Those types of old rich white dudes would gladly rape my children as they ate fancy hard crackers with a pate made of my ground brains. I know I cannot trust a guy named Kraft, and the fact that I think the previous owner was from the Gillette family makes it even worse. You know it was some Trading Places dollar bet bullshit, but instead of the wacky negro and the straight-laced innocent pawn white guy getting their comeuppance for feelgood movie shenanigans, Gillette and Kraft had Billy Ray Valentine and whatever Dan Akroyd's name was fellating each other for rolls of quarters that kept falling through a grate underneath them, but they would just fellate each other harder, hoping to get something. And old Gillette and Kraft were laughing it up, and Gillette goes, "You were Robert old pal, those two really do enjoy giving another man's penis a waxing, here's the Patriots." But then Kraft took care of tipping the caddies at the country club the next morning on their golf date. (Minus 5 for the Patriots, making it +6 for the Giants.)
#5 AGAINST - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TOM BRADY. It has been said to not hate the player, but rather hate the game. Except I rather love the game of football, so due to these special circumstances, I am required by personal oath to hate the player in this instance. There is nothing glowing that hasn't been already said about Tom Brady somewhere, and there is nothing hateful that you haven't heard one of your drunk ass friends who is a Jets, Dolphins, Colts, Raiders, or Steelers fan already say. So I will just leave it at I am actively rooting against Tom Brady, for the rest of his life. If he becomes a politician, I hope he loses. If his children play little league baseball, I hope they lose. If he plays shuffleboard in Florida upon retirement, I hope he always loses. If he gets skin cancer, I hope he loses then too. I want him to lose, all the time, forever. (Minus 6 points for the Patriots, so now it's +12 for the Giants.)
#5 FOR - FORMER GIANTS LINEBACKER LAWRENCE TAYLOR. If the Giants are in the Super Bowl, that means the real L.T. is gonna be around, circulating amongst parties, hopefully getting all coked up so his ultra-gacked up white eyeballs are popping out of his dark sweaty face, and he gets crazy Arizonan lingerie models sexed up. And if the Giants win the Super Bowl, that extends L.T. time by a couple of weeks. He'll be celebrating, even if by himself, until at least St. Patrick's Day. And as a kid who came of age in the '80s, L.T. represents a certain ethos of that time - flashy car and dangling earring, drugged up yet able to hold it down, and heading to the top only to crash back down about halfway back to where you started, which is still way above what you were back in the day, and plus you have awesome stories from your uber-decadent time at the top. I like that, and I like L.T. because of that, and it gives me hope that one day I can have sex with conjoined twins while we're all on E. (Plus 6 points for the Giants, and they are running away with it at +18 now.)
#4 FOR - GIANTS LINEBACKER ANTONIO PIERCE. Pierce played for a couple of season in Washington for the Redskins, and he was the no-nonsense, offensive schematic-reading, reverse quarterback style middle linebacker that today's gimmick-ridden NFL defenses require. Except most linebackers are protein-fed halfwits. Not Antonio Pierce though, and that time the Redskins decided not to even make a meager match to the Giants offer, being Pierce was a restricted free agent or some shit at the time (or maybe he just wanted to stay in Washington, I can't remember), that is one of about a thousand times I dreadfully remember every morning I wake up the fan of a team ownered by Dan Snyder. (Plus 7 points for the Giants, making it +25... a blowout.)
#4 AGAINST - GIANTS QUARTERBACK ELI MANNING. I am sick of the Manning family. I am sick of Peyton, obviously, but also sick of Eli's coming of age at the end of this season, and I am double sick of down home Archie Manning interviews about his boys. I'm sick of knowing Cooper Manning is an insurance salesman. I'm sick of hearing that Eli Manning has some girlfriend that he treats like a peasant, forcing her to sit in the crowd with everyday NFL fan riffraff (like myself). I'm sick of looking at Eli's face in the paper or on the TV screen and thinking, "Take Peyton, make 12% younger, plus 4% more Down's syndromey." I am fucking sick to death of Manning brother hype and hyperbole and over-exposure. With Peyton gone, Eli gets all my Manning hate, plus a little extra for being stupid ass fucknosed Eli Manning. Oh man... if there's ever a Colts/Giants Super Bowl, I'm gonna rent a Ryder and Tim McVeigh the fucking pre-game festivities in hopes of putting a stop to it, or at least having me jailed deep in a dark building where I don't have to witness any of it once it happens. (Minus 7 points for the Giants, shaving it back to +18 for them.)
#3 AGAINST - PATRIOTS LINEBACKER TEDY BRUSCHI. You know what, I understand dude had a stroke and had to re-learn how to talk and walk and all that. My real problem is why did he have to learn to look like such a goomba fratboy cocksucker again too? I have never been a big fan of the Overachiever label when it's applied to a player on a team full of guys who all want to come there just to win... it seems so hokey and contrived. And Bruschi seems contrived too. I mean, I know he's got kids and a family and risked destroying their lives if he had come back and gotten brain dead from being a stroke dude who wasn't ready for full contact football, but it all worked out. Which further makes me think there's Illuminati football shit going on. How the fuck can a guy have a stroke and come back to play in the Super Bowl as a contributor? Don't tell me that's how much heart he has, because I remember Hulk Hogan having that much heart, and his heart wasn't really that much in the for-real ways. The whole Patriots schtick seems so contived and Vince McMahon-esque, although the Giants build-up as super underdog who can't lose on the road ever since they shut down the Redskins on the goal line that game forever back seems just as contrived. Like Tiny Lister rolling in as this unstoppable force but Hulk Hogan legdrops his ass into submission, and then they blast patriotic songs and people wave American flags and buy things on their way home. (Minus 8 points for the Patriots, making it +26 for the Giants.)
#3 FOR - GIANTS RUNNING BACK AHMAD BRADSHAW. Seeing this nobody late round draft pick rookie running back busting through motherfuckers in Green Bay, the paint actually chipping off his helmet it was so cold, that was some old school ass shit. The thing is, this guy was supposed to be a can't miss prospect, except he's been a chronic fuck-up. He came to UVA (near me) as a blue chip recruit, but they cut their ties with him because he was a hood. He transferred to Marshall, moving down in college status, and was a small town superstar, but even there, he was about to get into some shit for stealing games or something trifling like that out of somebody else's dorm room. I mean, how the fuck do you get into trouble at Marshall on their football team? That's where Randy Moss went, and I think he used to rape chicks on the regular back then. So Bradshaw left Marshall after his junior year of eligibility, with two children already paternity tested to him, and took a shot at the NFL draft, hoping he could get paid and not just end up like every other broke ass shoulda been brother with multiple kids working construction part-time until they decide to sell drugs and then go to jail in towns everywhere. It is a sad cycle. Except the Giants took a shot on Bradshaw, and he's come in late this year and fucking kicked ass, mostly because his style is a lot like Tiki Barber's, but without all the corporate voice coming out the smiley mouth, and excess baggage of being the veteran leader on offense. Bradshaw has made a name for himself in the past two months, and I'd love to see him blow up Timmy Smith style in the Super Bowl, win the MVP, and get paid out the ass because of it. Then we can all enjoy his native hoodlumism shine bright on a national stage. (Plus 8 points for the Giants, so they ahead +34 points.)
#2 FOR - PATRIOTS RUNNING BACK LAURENCE MARONEY. I am always a fan of running backs like Maroney or Edgerrin James or Marshawn Lynch who look like they would be original members of the Boot Camp Clique. But a few things make Maroney even more enjoyable than the others. Right off the bat, he spells his first name in a classy black guy way like Laurence Fishburne does, automatically making him seem better than the rest. But most importantly, dude is obsessed with Kool-Aid. He has Kool-Aid tattoos, a Kool-Aid pendant, all because his nickname is Kool-Aid, but fuck my name is Raven and I don't have that shit tatted up on me and in diamonds on my neck and shit. And Kool-Aid is some broke ass kid shit. I lived on that stuff forever (my recipe was, oddly enough, just like Maroney's when asked on media day - "water and sugar"), and the only thing more ghetto than Kool-Aid is those generic Kool-Aid packets which never really mixed right like Kool-Aid does and you'd get weird little clumps of shit in your drink that tasted like some Sweet Tarts had taken a shit like a fish does. The fact that a major NFL running back drinks Kool-Aid... I don't know, it makes me happy. Though I think I read he customized his car with the Kool-Aid man too, and I seen a few of those themed donks on the Donk magazine, and they are stupid wack. I hope he doesn't have stitched ostrich skin Kool-Aid men in his ride. Although, to be honest, even if he did, just having some retardedly customized nonsense like that in a tricked out car would make him better than most other football players with their very uncreative hood-rich ways. (Plus 9 points for the Pats, cutting it to +25 for the Giants.)
#2 AGAINST - GIANTS DEFENSIVE END MICHAEL STRAHAN. Strahan is such a chump, and I think most people realize this. Whereas previous awesome future Hall of Famers like Reggie White would sometimes come across as odd, you'd still have people in real life explaining to you how they were the greatest ever. Not with Strahan though. Everybody kinda knows he's a full of shit chump ass. Even reading the paper today, the columnist guy I was reading referred to him as a "potential Hall of Famer". You'd think him being the all-time sacks in a year leader after Favre laid down for him that one time, he'd be a definite. But his laying out of training camp because he's a lazy fucker gimmick has grown tired, as has his "let me do a really stiff-legged soul train dance line routine whenever I'm near a quarterback who falls down" celebration bullshit. Even his fucking ex-wife suggested he might be a homo. The sad thing is he's already done a couple years of "my team is not in the playoffs so let me sit in on the pre-game show" interning already, so he'll probably STILL be on the stupid television every week even after he stops being an annoying closeted football player. (Minus 9 points for the Giants, down to +16 for them still though.)
#1 AGAINST - FORMER GIANTS QUARTERBACK PHIL SIMMS. Phil Simms is the epitome of boring. He could make redneck guys holed up in the middle of a week-long meth binge fall asleep. I'm not sure who has the Super Bowl this year, but I sort of almost hope it's CBS so he and Greg Gumbel can bore America to death, and then hopefully the Giants will get crushed, forcing stupid Simms to abandon his feigned non-bias, and he'll something really flagrant and out-of-line, execpt nobody will notice it because he will do it in such a quiet condescending voice that it will sound like a gay man's description as to how to properly need a homemade loaf of rosemary olive oil bread. I feel sorry for Chris Simms, because you know he catches a ton of shit - and probably always has - for being Phil Simms son. I mean really, is there a more pretentious fucker who analysists the football than him? (Minus 10 points for the Giants, making it only +6 for the Giants.)
#1 FOR - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE LINEMAN LOGAN MANKIN. Mankin is a mainstay on my fake ass Madden franchise of the Saints, because he is a giant fu manchu ass wispy haired white offensive lineman. He looks like the type of guy who would've been an MMA fighter back when MMA was more the dream of guys who trained in meat warehouses (talking on the early days when Tank Abbott and Oleg Taktarov were stars) and it seemed like something a good Clint Eastwood movie could be based on, not this pseudo-sport Brazilian dudes rolling around holding each other and then slipping around and one guy quickly taps out in violently homoerotic fashion. But, as if Logan Mankin wasn't already awesome, being such a white boy, and from Fresno state, where you can only assume academics were secondary to beer bongs and blowjobs, he's now, as part of some sort of Unabomber code of solidarity with the other O-linemen, sporting a giant beard that makes him look like a cross between homeless Vietnam veteran and Nordic warlord. The only thing better than rooting for Logan Mankin, is hoping he pulls a Barrett Robins and disappears the night before the game into Mexico for a drug-fueled romp to ruin his career. Except I would expect Mankin to not be a punk ass like Robins and claim the made up psychological disorder of bi-polarity, and instead Logan Mankin would just become the leader of some village where he runs a human smuggling business, a cockfighting arena, and sips on expensive champagne at his VIP table nightly at the donkey fuck show. (Plus 10 points for the Patriots, putting them over the top by +4. Except fuck that. I could care less about either of these fucking teams, or this game. Luckily, the satellite sound system in my ride with detachable robot box to plug into house speakers is broadcasting the game in like 10 different languages, so I'll probably just sit in my truck in the yard, getting blasted, and listening to the Super Bowl in Korean or some bullshit.)

NFL WK 20: Conference Championships teams

So you probably asked yourself, "What the fuck will stupid ass Raven do now that there's only four teams, since his bullshit system he never explained is all fucked up anyways? I guess he'll write bullshit about the four teams and get half the games wrong again, haha." Well, you'd be a wrong motherfucker if you thunk it that way. Because, sure my team ranking system went hoo-ha at the end, which shows you math ain't worth a fuck when it comes to heart. But still, I feel compelled to keep this shit rolling in sets of eight, because that's how I've rolled all year long. So I split the teams up into offense and defense and that made eight. But how to rank them? Just off the dome, or hodgepodge other shit I read elsewhere and pretend I'm the originator of some common sports ass memes? Fuck all that noise. I broke it down to organic compounds, took myself four newspapers, five magazines, and eleven websites, ingested all the numerical knowledge, combined that with a scientific calculator, abacus, some I Ching sticks, plus a book on Rorshach test blob analysis using semen stains I left in between sheets of lavendar and pastel green tissue paper the past week. I put the motherfucking science to the metaphysics and came with it, crunching numbers and intuitive deduction, doing reiki on rosters, and I got a number. You see, all these faggot washed-up jocks with blow-dried hair who roll with the picks and are like "70% WINNERS GUARANTEED! Here's why..." and they claim they have crazy science and insider information. I'm not claiming science. Fuck science. Take your science and shove it up your fucking white asses. I trust my gut, calculate up some math, and feel what's right while looking at stars in the sky, not on the flat screen. Know what I'm saying? So I took all this crazy data, took some codeine pills, sat in the back yard in the frozen tall ass grass that breaks now since it's frozed up which is why I didn't cut it since July anyways, and figured this shit up. So here's my rankings of the two sides of the ball of the four teams still dancing, with the motherfucking rankings of ultimate reality on the back end inside the hugging arms punctuation. Know what I mean? (Also, check out the retarded football blog I started up, but not just with my stupid shit but a bunch of stupid fuckers stupid shit - ARMCHAIR LINEBACKER! Okay...
#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS OFFENSE (hypernerd power variable 10.752625) - The Patriots offense, even if it has sort of seemed slower than 5th gear overdrive lately, is still by far the most dominating bullshit left in the playoffs. But what up now? Randy Moss, it turns out, was beating some stupid bitch like he beat cornerbacks on the deep slants all year round. It's extortion or six-figure offers were made or what the fuck who cares? You knew Moss was gonna fuck up eventually. Knew it. Dude had been quiet for a few years when it came to the showing his ass activity, but he'd been quiet on the field too. A man start catching touchdowns like mad, he's gonna start feeling that swagger again, talk with that West Virginia drawl, go down to Orlando and smack up some slut. Will that affect the Pats high-powered attack? Fuck no. It's the NFL. All these dudes smack up bitches, being football holds that old school mentality dear. What could screw up the unstoppable Patriots mechanism of six-pointing is shitty windy weather, oddly enough. You'd think a cold city team would be built for smashmouth football, but the Pats are not. Tom Brady's pretty future President on the hundred dollar Visa promissory note does not have hair made to be mussed by cold winter winds. And Maroney and company have not yet proven they are the backfield destroyers when completely necessary. But still, that shit works both ways, and the Patriots merchandising Illuminati positioning within the NFL, combined with the 25-year plan to make Brady 33rd degree freemason grand wizard theodore unit head of America’s underground government based in the mountains of West Virginia will probably “lead” them to victory. It’s been a great run for them this year, and I was pissed to be gypped out of that Colts/Pats match-up, which I guess they’re saving for next year so as to not take away from the last hurrah Brett Favre’s Super Bowl memory parade booking that’s been set in stone since the middle of October.

#2: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS DEFENSE (hypernerd power variable 6.900375) - Yeah, when I figured this all up, the Chargers defense came up second, which makes sense I guess thinking about it hard. Merriman, when properly supplemented, is a monster, and Antonio Cromartie has stepped up to be the defensive back field bastard Quentin Jammer was sposed to be. I think the Chargers defense will be trickier for the Pats than the Jaguars were, or whoever the fuck else. It’s a solid ass defense with some ballhawking ability that can throw six up on the board themselves, and if the d-line can sneak behind the front lines and slap Brady’s pretty face into the cold ground a couple of times, they might have a snowball’s chance in Foxboro to make some shit happen.

#3: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS DEFENSE (hypernerd power variable 5.580375) - Aging collection of Patriots standard bearers, mixed in with some even older free agents, and a couple of young ass studs, combining to be a force. but they’ve benefitted from playing ahead most of the year. The thing about this defense is, even with the old ass fucks they have, they cycle players in and out more than almost anybody. I mean it’s ridiculous how much they substitute in various packages, which is why I think the Peyton Manning super-animated audible machine of no-huddle housing it was the best match against the Pats defense. I don’t think P. Rivers has that same capacity, but we’ll see what happens. I’d expect the N.E. defense to do just like they did against the Jags and that’s bend bend bend and look not nearly perfect, but then hold it together enough at the end to let the offensive juggernaut move ahead for good.

#4: GREEN BAY PACKERS OFFENSE (hypernerd power variable 5.456625) - Good fucking lord, as much as I want to root for the Packers, I don’t know if I can handle two weeks of BRETT FAVRE SUPER BOWL newspaper stories. Green Bay has their shit coming together though, with dudes none of us heard of before this year making shit happen. Mike McCarthy got a contract extension out of this run, and really, to be honest, outside of that super-kid still sitting on the bench as the second string shitty QB, whoever the GM of the Packers deserves some serious ass credit for finding these jewels in the shitpiles of the NFL draft. Fitting a system is more important than whatever pre-draft hype, and they seem adept at getting guys that’ll work within the system. It kind of makes me sick to type that shit because it reminds me of Ray Kroc and McDonalds and subbing anybody at five an hour into the shit and it’ll work. Fuck that robotic android shit where you can plug anybody in with no concern for the individual. Except they don’t do that necessarily with Brett Favre at the helm. Remember, he’s one of us. He’s a regular guy in Wrangler jeans who plays with passion like a 12-year-old. And if you forgot, don’t sweat it, they gonna beat that shit into your brain the next two weeks if they win this weekend.

#5: GREEN BAY PACKERS DEFENSE (hypernerd power variable 4.099375) - Young stud linebackers? Check. Big goofy whiteboy defensive lineman? Check. Dreadlocked Boot Camp Clique looking ass cornerbacks? Check. Ginormous fat ass Chinese buffet five-times-a-week looking heart attack waiting to happen 350 lb. black fucker to stuff the line? Yep. They got it all, every Frank Caliendo doing a ten-minute All-Madden team skit stereotype you could think of on defense. (By the way, I don’t know for sure that Kampman dude is a white guy, but I think his name is Aaron, and I’d be hellafied shocked if a dude named Aaron Kampman who played in Green Bay wasn’t white. Now Cletidus Hunt, that’s obviously a black dude, although I’ve always wanted a son named Cletidus. A kid named that shit is gonna be a monster, regardless of genetics. But don’t let him go by Cleon for short, because then he’ll just be an unemployed drunkard always complaining about how someone else is causing him his self-inflicted problems.)

#6: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS OFFENSE (hypernerd power variable 2.599625) - Philip Rivers is a wild card, because he’s apt to fuck shit up. Did you see him last weekend doing like Hulk Hogan poses at the crowd in Indy? What a fucking fool. He’s a multi-millionaire quarterback in the NFL and he’s letting some drunk fuck in the crowd’s sound get inside his ears. Dude, young Rivers, you’re richer than fuck and could pay his mom to fuck his wife with a strap-on in the ass while she licked your balls. Who gives a fuck what some dude in the crowd says? Well, it’s obvious young Rivers does, which doesn’t bode well if they start riding him. Except he might get gimped up again and this week’s Todd Collins - Billy Volek - will stroll out and attempt to do the impossible. Seriously though, all the way back to his days behind Air McNair in Tennessee, Volek’s been one of those high end second string quarterbacks who’s really fucking good but not quite good enough to be your starter. Like, those years where you lose your franchise quarterback and have a couple of retreads like Kerry Collins and Patrick Ramsey in camp, Volek’s the guy who is the other part of the quarterback competition in training camp who might be the future, even though everybody knows he ain’t. He’s fucking Billy Volek. I think most of all, I’m amazed at how Norv Turner has not fucked up this team yet. Seriously, I’m amazed. It’s a testament to how well Schottenheimer had this team in order for Turner to be able to coast on fumes this deep into the playoffs. Still, with L.T. gimpy as well (even if the Chargers might have the best #2/#3 on the depth chart halfbacks in the league), if he can’t go buckwild on the ground, this could be an ugly game for the Chargers. And I’m torn. As much as I hate the Patriots now, it doesn’t overrule my hatred for Norv Turner, who I wish would get cancer and then raped in the ass while getting chemo treatment and catch the AIDS. Yet, I still have to pull for the Chargers over the Patriots. Maybe they can win but Turner will get crumbled on the sidelines during a play and have his femur shattered. That’d be my perfect scenario for the early game Sunday.

#7: NEW YORK GIANTS DEFENSE (hypernerd power variable 2.364375) - The Giants secondary is hodgepodge and the Packers will pick that shit apart. They’ve been getting by with their punishing defensive line and competent linebackers to keep things from progressing too deeply into the defense, but the Packers offensive line is not shoddy nor pussified. They’ll be able to hold off the Giants enough to give Favre time to do his choreographed bullshit theatrics. And this ain’t a regular season meaningless exhibition where he’s gonna lay down for his pal Strahan. They gonna get fucked this weekend.

#8: NEW YORK GIANTS OFFENSE (hypernerd power variable 0.135625) - Now Eli Manning is safe again and somehow the angle is it’s not that he’s a fucking hick retard with overrated status due to his last name but that Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey were holding him back. Do what now? Fuck a Eli Manning. I think the best thing that happened for the Giants is this Ahmad Bradshaw kid stepping up. He played at UVA at first, and was their next Tiki Barber, who is UVA’s ultimate alum for football. Except Bradshaw was a shady ass negro and got dumped from the team since UVA is an ultra-whitey school (allowing exceptions for Hindus and Orientals and the higher-minded mulatto-based minorities) and wasn’t fucking with his gully shit. So he ended up playing his career out at Marshall, and came into the NFL as a late round pick, deep on the bench. But he’s the closest thing to Tiki they’ve had at running back, and let’s face it, that’s how this team was built. Jacobs is a big punisher, but dude couldn’t catch a pass to save his overweight life. Plaxico’s been aching all year long and Amani Toomer used to be teammates with Harry Carson, and that Barney Rubble with tattoos tight end is out with a broken pride, so they’re gonna lean heavily on young Eli to make it happen. That shit ain’t gonna happen because he’s still Eli Manning, regardless of how the past few weeks shook out.

NFL WK 19: Divisional Playoffs teams

I am a big fan of reworking the normal lyrics of popular culture songs into things that reflect what's going on in my life. I have been trying, unsuccessfully, the past week or so to make Kurtis Blow's "Basketball" fit football, but I just can't come up with anything smooth off the top of my head. It has annoyed my daughters to no end, because I usually like to do this as loud as I possibly can. But fuck them. I used to be able to play music loud every fucking night of my life until they were born. They're lucky I at least have the tact to cut shit down like when I'm playing The Geto Boys We Can't Be Stopped. Of course, there are alterior motives, because I don't really want to have to explain tha otha level of the game to my 8-year-old, much less my 4-year-old. I am about to have another kid, and I hope it's a boy, because all girls will be crazy since none of them will believe the sexual predator thought patterns of males if it's just me describing it, and they'll think I'm exaggerating shit, or my wife will be like, "You're just a pervert," thinking in her naive mind that it's not natural for all men to think completely sexually about any living human with lumpy flesh in their chest region and strange curves but with relatively hairless skin. I mean fuck, men love the idea of fucking everything, and it's silly when women are like, "Yeah, well I'm like a guy because I like sex, too." There has never been a single bitch in the history of humans who thinks like a man does. Like, a woman can't even rape a guy, because a man actually physically sticks part of his body into the bitch, whereas a bitch just climbs aboard the dude. We are trained to think fucking everybody is bad, but straight up, if we were straight animals, I'd have attempted to sexually assault like a third of the women I've ever known in life. Just saying.
Anyways, I can't seem to re-work the lyrics to "Basketball" to cover football, and now that the Redskins are out, I don't feel compelled to. I can now be one of those casual fan assholes for the next couple weeks, and then there won't be shit to do sports-wise until the NCAA conference tourneys start up towards the end of February. But I guess I've gone this far with these pretentious indulgences of sports faggotry, and it'll be some sort of accomplishment to make it all the way through the NFL season, so I'll finish this out, even if I mail it in like I'm about to this week...

#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (16-0, #1 overall) - The Patriots perfect regular season was historic on a personal level as well, because with that win, they became a team I no longer care for. Up to this point, when they had that first Super Bowl run or two, I actually rooted for them, perhaps because of the out-of-nowhere nature of Tom Brady, or perhaps it was subliminal patriotism. And even the third one didn't bother me, and I would root for them against most other NFL teams. But with this last win, they went over the top, and now I hate them. Tom Brady has moved from the loveable underdog 6th round draft pick to shithead fuckface ala Joe Montana, who is too much of a media darling for me to wish anything except ill will upon his Disneybook life. I came to realize, in thinking about it this week, that I will probably even root for the fucking Colts and the most loathesome man in the pro footballs - Peyton Manning - when they go up against the Patriots. Previously, this never would have occurred, and in fact, wasn't the case when they met earlier this year. Now, whether I'm - as fags would say - a "player hater" or I'm just sick of the fucking Patriots like Jan Brady was sick of Marcia's primadonna ass, I'm over it. I hope they fucking lose. Luckily, they will before this season ends, and most likely in two weeks. Not this one though. The Jags are clawing their way to a respectable top-tier franchise, but they ain't gonna get through this weekend like they did last.

#2: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (13-3, #2 overall) - Fuck. Not only will I root for the Colts against the Patriots, but I'm inclined to root for them over the Chargers, because of the indiscriminant scorched earth hatred I have for one Norvell Turner. This means, technically, and completely by default, I am pulling for the Colts to actually go to the Super Bowl. That sucks. I guess I don't hate the Colts so much as am completely unimpressed and disinterested in them. Except Bob Sanders. That dude's a hoss, and it's a shame he has to waste away his career, being such a pimp ass player, in those plain white uniforms that were wack by 1965 standards. The fucking Colts... how can I be rooting for those assholes? But they really have been under the radar for the most part, which is why I think they'll be able to man up and beat out the Pats in Foxboro in the AFC championship. I do an email football pool that's in its eighth year, and the first bonus question during the first week of the season is to pick a preseason Super Bowl champion. Out of like fiftysome people in the pool, nobody - not even one - picked the Colts at the beginning of the year to win the Super Bowl. That's ridiculous considering they won that shit last year, and really until proven otherwise, you have to think they have a good shot again this year, regardless of whether they have to go to New England or not.

#3: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (12-5, #3 overall) - Fred Taylor made the Pro Bowl, hurray for justice. It's funny how the Jags are all like, "Nobody respects us! This is mad fucked up!" They need to realize that first off, they are based in the smallest metropolitan area in the NFL (I think they're smaller than Buffalo, but I might be wrong, and don't feel like looking in my almanac), and secondly, all their star players have very un-star names like Fred Taylor or John Henderson or David Garrard. I mean fuck, they sound like Desi Arnaz big band members, not NFL studs. Still, this is a franchise on the rise, building momentum towards a move to Los Angeles, which I assume will happen since it always does in franchise mode of every Madden game I've played for the last three years. They will be the Los Angeles Bulls and play at L.A. Coliseum, which I'm assuming will upgrade by then to have all those fancy ass homo corporate glass boxes for dudes who love to go to NFL football games without all the nastiness of going to an NFL football game. Hopefully, rather than fuck around, the NFL will immediately re-align the AFC at that point, send the Jags to the west, and move Kansas City to the south. While they're at it, they could move the Dolphins to the south, move the Colts to the north, and send Baltimore to the east division. Miami/Tennessee/Kansas City/Houston - that's a motherfucking division right there.

#4: DALLAS COWBOYS (13-3, #4 overall) - OMG TONICA SEEN IN CANCUN WHAT WOULD JESUS JONES DO? Man, the Cowboys are lucky there is so much retarded hype behind the Giants right now as a resurgent Lombardi contender, because when they eke out a win against a lackluster New York team this weekend, it will falsely make the Cowboys seem like they are a juggernaut of sorts to compete with the top teams the NFL has to offer. But they are not. Wade Phillips should enjoy this ride for the rest of the season, because he's basically running with what Parcells put together. And with Jason Garrett being a top candidate at other head coaching gigs, T.O. having a built-in blow-up excuse with Jessica Simpson prancing around with her silicone good looks in pink Cowboys gear, and Jerry Jones just being Jerry Jones, the wheels could come off this supposedly well-oiled machine sooner rather than later. Still, the fucking Giants... the Cowboys own the Giants. Even Roy Williams looks good against the Giants. Speaking of which, how the fuck did he make the Pro Bowl, even as like 9th alternate? They actually played him less this year because of him being such a liability on-field, and he makes the Pro Bowl? What the fuck?

#5: GREEN BAY PACKERS (13-3, #5 overall) - BRETT FAVRE FROZEN TUNDRA THIS IS FOOTBALL LIKE GRANDPA KNEW WHEN HE HATED BLACK PEOPLE AND BEAT GRANDMA FOR INTERRUPTING THE RADIO FEED OF THE GAME BY BIDDING HER CANASTA MELD TOO LOUDLY WITH HER FRIENDS FROM THE MOOSE CLUB! Also, there's LINEBACKER MENTALITY SIDE ARM PASS YOUNGEST DEFENSE IN NFL LED BY FIELD GENERAL CORNERBACKS FUTURE SO BRIGHT GOTTA WEAR SHADE CHEESEHEAD! Plus, you can't forget FAT PIGFACED FANS NO LUXURY BOXES TOWN OWNS TEAM KIELBASAS COOKOUT GOD BLESS AMERICA JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP THIS IS FOOTBALL!

#6: NEW YORK GIANTS (11-6, #6 overall) - Congratulations Tom Coughlin, for buying yourself another year in NYC (by way of New Jeru), and enough credit to not be questioned about what a fucking hardheaded retard you are at least until halfway through next season. Congratulations Eli Manning, for tricking people into thinking you are actually a great young quarterback with your performance the past two weeks where you have miraculously forgotten how to ignore defensive reads and throw interceptions to safeties as if they were a 12th man on your offense. And congratulations Giants fans, for convincing yourself this past week that you actually have a shot at beating the Cowboys. That shit is funny. Luckily, you guys rule sports talk media, so I'll get to hear you assholes have a thousand complaints next Monday.

#7: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (12-5, #7 overall) - Let's say I rubbed a magic crack pipe and a retarded genie popped out and was like, "Yo, you get three things, but they go like so... First, you can have one pussy in the freezer for the rest of your life for an on-hold skeezer. Secondly, you get to skim 5% off the top of any one corporation for the rest of your life. And thirdly, you can kill one NFL dude however you want to." I'd keep Tyra Banks pussy in the freezer, this of course assuming that the vagina slab includes the hips and ass shape, although without her mesmerizing eyes, it may not mean as much. Also, I am not sure on how long you have to thaw out an on-hold skeezer. Plus, I'd have to put it in like meat market wrapping paper and mark it some sort of pork product since my wife doesn't eat hog. I'd hate for her to take something out the freezer for dinner tomorrow and it thaws out and it's a strange cum-stained pussy. But I digress... I'd skim off Wal-Mart, because them motherfuckers will own certain countries at some point. They have banks in Wal-Mart now, and you go in and it's the same blank-eyed retards in matching shirts working there as there are in the 21 items or less Supercenter express lane. And for the NFL dude to kill, without a doubt I'd pick Deion Sanders, but I'd want him to be doing a sit-down interview with Norv Turner, so that hopefully Norv Turner would be incapacitated eternally by shrapnel blood diamonds. Also, for further information about on-hold skeezers, consult your local library for Eazy-E's first solo album, Eazy Duz It.

#8: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (11-6, #11 overall) - The most boringest team in all of footballs gets another week to dull us to death. Watching them beat my Skins last week, I thought about that Simpsons Halloween special where Bart had the evil brother who looked kind of mongoloidish and ate raw fishheads out of a bucket, because basically Shaun Alexander looks like the mongoloid retard brother of Tiki Barber who eats raw fishheads. I would do a side-by-side picture comparison to prove this to you right here, but that would involved finding pictures of them both, and fucking giving enough of a shit to try and prove something to your faggot ass. I'm too busy mailing this week's NFL bullshit in. You should just take my word for now that Alexander looks like that, and then next week, when watching the game, you'll see what the fuck I'm talking about.

NFL WK 18: Wild Card teams

Right here is where I would normally do some sort of introductory nonsense, to set up the team blurbs for the week, but I can't think of anything. I tried a couple of angles and they all sucked, so I just scrapped it altogether and decided to do this instead. I hope you liked it enough to read down to where I started talking about the teams actually playing this weekend. Note the overall rankings according to my completely flawed mathematical system, as they are kinda hilarious at times. Especially in the case of the Giants and Titans...

#1: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (11-5, #4 overall) - Vanessa Del Rio's eldest boy Jackson has certainly built an old school on-the-ground mean machine down there in Jacksonville. Led by Fred Taylor, who was shot and killed by his wife when he played for the Carolina Panthers, they have been born into that Next Year's Upper Echelon category of football team like the Colts always were in until last year and the Chargers always seem to think they're part of. This means that the Jags will be good for the foreseeable future, and always fall short in the playoffs, until they can get some sort of ballhawking defender or playmaker offender to put them over the top (meaning Colts and Pats). Jackson Del Rio's black quarterback smorgasbord in the preseason seemed controversial when he was all like, "Yo, my man Byron Leftwich, I like how them dudes carried you literally in college as you QBed and showed crazy heart, but shit man, we need dudes who don't fuck up. Peace out. I'm doing this early enough so people can confuse you with the new Michael Vick." But David Garrard has shown and proved enough that foolish Jags fans are, "He should've been in the Pro Bowl! We was dissed!" He'll get his chance for showing up when he faces Big Ben Roethlisberger - the third AFC Pro Bowl QB behind the two-headed Position Status Symbol of Brady Manning - this weekend on the same rugby field they beat the Steelers upon a couple weeks ago. This should be your one road team winner this week, and I would not be surprised to see them upset a certain unblemished dynastic team next week as well. Then they can lose to the Colts like the Colts used to always lose to the Patriots.

#2: NEW YORK GIANTS (10-6, #6 overall) - Last week was one of Eli's "On" weeks, so now all of a sudden all the talking heads are like, "Whoa nelly! If the Giants play like they did last week, then they'll certainly destroy the Buccaneers!" Except the Giants have always been inconsistent this season. Also, the Patriots have been less than dominant the past few weeks of their 16-0 run. So most likely, the Giants are still just the Giants - a team led by a shitty quarterback who, even though he'll never be his older brother, seems unable to do some of the simpler things like reading defenses to not throw like four interceptions all of a sudden that you'd expect from a #1 overall pick. He seems to be as much Ryan Leaf as he is Peyton Manning. The Giants complement this offensive stalwart with maybe the shittiest secondary in the NFL. Which means if the Buccaneers offensive stars can remember their pass routes after their month-long vacation on the sidelines, they should be able to light up the Giants enough to spread them out and let some dude named Earnest run roughshod upon that bloated defensive line. Which also sucks, because it means stupid fucking black hobo Michael Strahan will be on the playoff pre-game shows next week. It's also too bad Jeremy Shockey is gone for the year, because some Shockey/Derrick Brooks confrontations would be quality wild card weekend viewing in my opinion.

#3: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (11-5, #7 overall) - The Chargers re-signed their stupid GM to a long-term extension this week, I guess to reward him running off Schottenheimer after a 14-2 season, and getting the worst NFL head coach since 1991 in Norv Turner to basically hobble an 11-5 season out of a team that should've coasted to 12-4. L.T. is one of the best, but you can sense some frustration in him this year, and I don't think that's gone away so much as you stifle that type of expression of hatred for things when it's going good. But once they blow it, I would expect all sorts of finger-pointing and complaining about the wasted potential of this 2007 Chargers team. But what do you do? You can't fire Turner or else you have the same problem next year; and if you stay with Turner, you're wasting another year of L.T.'s limited prime with the ol' monkeypox-faced coach still at the helm. That being said, they should be able to sleep their way through beating the Titans, so enjoy this weekend in the sun Chargers fans. Unless of course, they somehow wrestle failure away from inevitable victory like last year's playoff team did. And we don't know if Norv Turner is cursed like Marty Schottenheimer was in the playoffs, mostly because Norv Turner usually doesn't make the playoffs.

#4: TENNESSEE TITANS (10-6, #9 overall) - I don't remember people sitting so many bigger players at the end of the regular season back in the days like they do now, and that's basically the only reason the Titans made it into the playoffs - thanks to the Colts turning last week's regular season finale into a glorified preseason game. The Titans defense is fucking solid, and it should be fun to watch them against the Chargers. Actually, this game is going to boil down to who is the bigger fuck-up - Philip Rivers or Vince Young, because the Titans d-line seems like they are kept in cages and fed gunpowder during the week. I could see them putting some shoulder into both L.T. and P.R. rather heavily during this game, and probably causing Rivers to loft a couple into the secondary's hands (which is why the Titans were fucked by Pacman Jones, because they could've used a ballhawk showboat like that this year to feed off the softballs that the defensive line caused quarterbacks to toss). But come on, Vince Young is basically a halfwit with Jed Clampett leg maneuvers. He's liable to make more completions to Antonio Cromartie than his own receivers. The Titans defense is a punisher that should keep the Chargers offense in check, but the Chargers defense might score more than the Titans offense in this one.

#5: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (9-7, #10 overall) - I wrote a long-winded ass thing about the Redskins, but I also started a new group football blog called Armchair Linebacker that may or may not survive through April, as stupid ideas for blogs are wont to do, so I put my long-winded bullshit about the Redskins there. You should check it out. And my apologies for dumpin.net being nothing but my fucking football bullshit the past few weeks. I think Keenon is the only other guy trying right now, and he's back in mulatto prison again for the holidays.

#6: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (10-6, #11 overall) - The Seahawks are the most fucking boring piece of shit team there is right now. And Pacific Northwest fucks have this chip on their shoulder all the time like the rest of the country is prejudiced against their stupid shit. So it makes them get all indignant about obviously weak ass crap like the Seahawks, thinking they're an actual Super Bowl contender that should be given attention. The rest of the country is not as liberal and not as open-minded and doesn't want to recognize not only the inherent greatness of Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck, but also gay marriage and frappucinos and Microsoft Vista. Guess what though? Fuck you. Once they finish chopping down all the trees in the Pacific Northwest, there'll really be no reason to still have it around, except for maybe like a grungy goth kid rainy day homeland. And how the fuck did a guy like Sir Mix-a-Lot end up being from Seattle? I never figured that one out. Shaun Alexander has finally been exposed as a pussy this year, but let's not forget this is a team full of pussies. I mean, even Lofa Tatupu, who was a punishing little heatseeker midget Samoan warrior when he came out of college, has become hit-or-miss this season. It's basically the NBA mentality applied to a football team. And I'm sad my favorite team has to play it this weekend because I hate the fact I'm gonna be bored watching my lifelong favorites in only their third playoff appearance in like fifteen years because they're playing the stupid boring piece of shit fuckface uniformed walrus coached faggot Seahawks. (Although, I have to admit, my wife always calls them the Seahoohas, and that makes me laugh. My kids do it now too. They call the Seahawks "Seahoohas", and also when I'm all drunked up in football anger mode, yelling "HOLD 'EM!" at the Redskins defense, my kids will respond, because my wife taught them this, "CUDDLE 'EM! MAKE THEM FEEL LOVED!")

#7: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (10-6, #12 overall) - The Steelers have looked less than intimidating the past few weeks, and against a scrub wild card team like the Titans or Browns had they made it, that might've been okay. But the Jaguars have crazy cocksure swagger, and you don't want to be stumbling along against crazy cocksure swagger. Willie Parker is out, which means the Steelers ground game will not be as menacing, but that also means their fumble game won't be as devastating, so it's hard to say how much that'll effect them. The real problem is their defense looks like shit lately. Fuck man, I think ever since I was like seven, the Steelers have ALWAYS had some sort of punishing negroid monster super destroying oppositional backfields, but they seem to be a little impotent here recently. Even Polamalumalu the Polynesian Heartthrob has been gimptastic. But this is the playoffs, so if they can patchwork their mangled ass roster together for four quality hours this weekend, they can live their dreams! Well, not really their dreams because a lot of these dudes already won a Super Bowl, but maybe they can make Mike Tomlin smile one more time this season. He has such a charming smile. And twinkly eyes too.

#8: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (9-7, #14 overall) - Usually the type of teams that rest their skill position superstars are teams that are like 13-3 and have actual, you know, superstars. The Bucs have done so to the tune of 9-7, and are led by journeyman Jeff Garcia and a running back nobody even heard of before like week six of this year. I guess Joey Galloway too, but that dude's hardly a star. 9-7, with an aging defense making one last run like a wild west flick, and an overhyped ass coach, and this is supposed to be a threat in the playoffs? Seriously, this Giants/Bucs game is lucky they even put it on TV at 1 in the afternoon. They could've just did this one overnight and told us about it in the morning. I actually can't see either of these teams being able to put up a good showing in either Dallas or Green Bay, so this is basically the season for both teams.

NFL WK 17: South division teams

The football regular season is almost done for us, and this last week looks less than exciting as 10 of 12 playoff spots are locked up, and the other two pretty basically explained without seventeen different what if scenarios. The stupid Patriots/Giants game got put on two regular people networks so that it can be America's TV night... they should just do a game a week like that anyways, on multiple networks, so that you could get different announcers and shit. I mean fuck it, that's what people want to watch. I mean, I'd understand Fox not wanting to show a Saturday night game because Cops is fucking awesome, and the re-enactments on America's Most Wanted is some great shit to watch as well while high (usually, I roll with the sound off and the stereo on, but with the volume set high on the TV and a second fancy-assed half-mute setting on the stereo remote, so when the re-enactments come on, volume up on the TV, and half-down on the stereo, which makes for good crime scene shenanigans with like Willie Nelson & Calexico in the background), but the rest of them channels ain't got shit going otherwise. Might as well just have football night in America on multiple channels, going head-to-head, and then all these high-priced overrated expert analysts would have actual primetime ratings against each other to see who was worth a shit. And can Cris Collinsworth get fucking throat cancer soon, please? If I did a Top 100 Annoying Ass NFL-related Dudes of Current Activity list, he'd be 8 of the top 10 spots, with Deion Sanders and Shannon Sharpe taking the other two. Anyways, this last week's swing through things goes back to the South divisions for the last time, with none of these teams truly epitomizing the spirit of the South. The Panthers did, but then Julius Peppers had to get off steroids and Vinny Soprano became their stupid elder statesmen at QB. But for my three loyal readers, don't fret, I'll keep pretending like I know what the fuck I'm talking about and that my opinion actually matters to someone during the playoffs. But nonetheless, here's your faggot-ass yankee shit South division teams dork discussionism, with futuristic prognosis to boot...

#1: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (13-2, #2 overall) - It has sorta seemed like the Colts have been playing in preseason mode for most of the season, almost like the Lakers used to do when Shaq and Kobe were their two-headed monster winning rings at will. While the Patriots have been in Madden '08 mode, running up records and stats like that shit's on rookie mode, the Colts have just been kinda plugging along without real note, winning motherfucking games even though half the team in injured. Marvin Harrison is finally about to fire it up in real-time, and the Colts might just be ready to peak the same time as the Patriots have been struggling to maintain their high level of dominance. Even though I don't think Tony Dungy has anymore songs to sacrifice to the Molochian Gods of Football Success, I can still see them beating the Patriots to be the AFC's Super Bowl representative. In fact, I'd say that shit is almost a guarantee, as the Pats have become the fair weather juggernaut the Colts used to be accused of, and Belichick is mad conceited, which is how Bill Parcels got after he won two Super Bowls, and he never won another. Which leaves the silent mulatto scrunchface of Tony Dungy to unleash his mastermind-by-default gameplans in whatever commercial extravaganza homeland the Super Bowl is at this year. And THE FUTURE for the Colts is a Super Bowl appearance, and probably a loss. NFC4Life motherfuckers.

#2: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (11-4, #4 overall) - The Jaguars have quietly became the Reverse Chargers this year, in that they are the much-hyped #3 team of contention, but they do it with pure old school smashmouth mentality (you are required, when talking about football, to say "smashmouth" when talking about real ugly-assed teams coached by former linebackers; it's like Football Dipshittery 101 rule #27). They got no Pro Bowlers, which of course will be used for some nonsense "Nobody on Earth respects us like we deserve to be respected" motivational fodder, yet eventually half the starters in the NFL make the Pro Bowl once everybody starts pulling out. Jack Del Rio is a great goofy-assed dude to lead a football team, and it'd be perfect if the Jaguars moved to L.A. and changed their name to something ominous with black jerseys to sell in a second Raiders gangbanger renaissance. Man, I remember my boy McCarthy got the full length stuffed down Raiders jacket that went like down past your knees and shit, and that was the pimpest shit ever. Well, it was the first two weeks or so, and then it was just the same jacket that used to be the new hotness that he always wore. That's the thing with fresh ass ghetto fashions... you either have to move between localities to always seem fresh, or you have to hustle a ton of money to keep the freshest shit available. We used to know these two brothers (literal brothers, as well as semi-racist stereotypical "brothers") that dealt most of the crack in my hometown, and Timmy - the older one - he lived in the hotel and would wear shit like two or three times and then never again. Like he never washed clothes, because once the shit was dirty enough to wash, he'd never wear it again anyways. I remember we went by there one night to take him to get some whiteboy weed from some other dudes we knew, and there was a fucking sheepskin jacket in the trash. I asked him what was wrong with it and he said, "Nothing, I just done had it for the last month." He told me I could have it, but I was a goofy assed ponytail whiteboy, and there's no way wearing a fucking sheepskin jacket would've looked anything but ridiculously stupid on me. Plus, all my racist family members would've said shit like "you been hanging out with them niggers too much" like they did when I used to wear a pair of bright yellow parachute pants in 7th grade. Man, I wonder what those racist family members think of the day-glo anime print hoodies motherfuckers wear nowadays? I bet that's like space age hyperspeed negro ridiculousness to them. But THE FUTURE of the Jaguars is playoffs, first round road win, then ridiculous frustration in Indianapolis again.

#3: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (9-6, #10 overall) - Jon Gruden is again a genius, because his second string nobodies turned out to be better-than-expected once the higher profile starters got injured, and Jeff Garcia continued to show he's probably the best quarterback nobody cares to keep around. He and Brad Johnson should start a quarterback school together, and get their Tom Emansky hustle going. Seems to me Jon Gruden is destined to be the NFC's Brian Billick for the next ten years - a guy with overrated mental acumen who lives off a Super Bowl ring far past his usefulness to the franchise he won it with. THE FUTURE for the Buccaneers is co-starring in a wild card weekend game against the Giants in one of those games that's entertaining because it's the first week of the playoffs, but like two weeks later when the conference championships are being hyped, nobody remembers nor gives a fuck about it at all.

#4: TENNESSEE TITANS (9-6, #11 overall) - Win on Sunday night against the Colts' B-teamers and the Titans get to go to the playoffs. Not only do I think this is a ridiculous notion, as the Titans are bound to lose, but let's not forget Vince Young is the coverboy of Madden '08 and has yet to feel the curse. He's probably gonna get his inferior crucible ligament all sorts of fucked up. Right now, Young is the Tennessee media darling, but let's not forget that dude scored like the lowest score ever for a QB on the jock nerd test they give potential NFLees in pre-draft poking and prodding. If Michael Vick ended up being stupid enough to handle gambling money himself in a multi-state dogfighting ring, I can only imagine Vince Young will end up being involved in either child slavery ring or he'll be addicted to hydrocodone by the time he's 27. It is also interesting to me how Albert Haynesworth, who used to be to football analysts the scummy dude who stomped at that fat Cowboys dude's bare forehead with his cleats, is now the dominant honorable awesome interior lineman of unbeatitude on defense. It sucks seeing that dude in interview clips, because I just expect a guy named Albert Haynesworth to talk like Lennox Lewis, but he doesn't at all. THE FUTURE for the Titans is the reality that a predominantly running quarterback will never win shit. I love how this is somehow considered racist old line thinking by some people, as if you are underestimating the intelligence of black people by suggesting having a third running back under center is not a recipe for pro football success. My man Mavpa Van Cleef, who used to fuck around online but has disappeared, has had this two-quarterback offense bullshit he designed that he actually convinced his semi-pro football team to run some last year, and I've been thinking about it lately, as it concerns Michael Vick coming back in a few years. I think the two-quarterback thing could work if you had like a primary QB and secondary QB, so that a younger, less experienced guy like Young could take the secondary spot, maybe taking a quarter of the snaps during a game, but always on hand to run, and a more experienced guy like Vick could be the primary guy who takes more snaps and runs less, as ideally he would have figured out how to read defenses better by that stage of his career. And the younger guy gets all that time right back there to read the defense as well even when he's not taking the physical snap. With college football pumping up dudes like Dennis Dixon and Tim Tebow, this could be an easy reality, but just the same, the NFL has bullshit rules protecting the QB too much, which inevitably hurts the possibility of a two-quarterback system, because it creates the crazy grey area in what a QB is supposed to do, whereas the whole in-the-grasp, roughing-the-passer, NFL rulebook bullshit is geared towards thinking of the QB as a pocket presence to not be damaged so that the game can be intelligently executed on the field. To be honest, I'd prefer a more intuitive running QB offense, so long as it didn't just revert to bullshit wishbone offenses that didn't do shit but run the ball like it was still the days of Red Grange and Jim Thorpe.

#5: HOUSTON TEXANS (7-8, #18 overall) - Have the Texans turned a corner this year, or are they just doomed to eternal mediocrity? It is hard to say. Seems like they can't all be healthy all the time, as just as Andre Johnson is good to go, Matt Schaub is all fucked up. Mario Winans seems like a better #1 choice this year than he did last, but shit, with as much as number one picks get paid today, I don't think you can be economically successful with anyone unless they like Jim Brown everybody from their position for seven straight years. It sucks even more for the Texans because regardless of who they draft or how much of a cult of personality they have, they ain't gonna move shit in merchandise with those ugly assed uniforms. Even their alternate red jerseys are like something an NFL Europe team exec wiped his ass with during meetings with the ad agency coming up with logos and colors packages. THE FUTURE for the Texans is they will be the least prominent team in their own division forever, and the only people in their home state that will care for them over the Cowboys are ultra-disagreeable types who probably are from out-of-state anyways, thus not helping grow a solid fanbase. It's weird because whereas a team like Jacksonville or Seattle is mired in a low-level pro sports town that just won't possibly ever care enough to make a sizeable rabid fanbase, the Texans are in a great market but have the stupidest fucking team name and the stupidest fucking colors the NFL has ever doled out.

#6: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (7-8, #20 overall) - The post-Katrina dream looks to be dead after last week's loss to the Eagles. Reggie Bush has been exposed as essentially a third down back, and Sean Payton exposed as just as much lucky as brilliant with his trick play-happy ass. Certainly starting 0-4, and having lost Deuce McAllister for most of the season, they showed well in the long run, but still coming into 2007, the one-two punch of a Saints Super Bowl run and multi-platinum success of Tha Carter 3 was going to resurrect New Orleans from its murky ashes. Instead, the former flamed out as even a wild card contender, and the latter ended up being a mixtape that pop cultural jackasses had a secret meeting somewhere I didn't know about to pretend like it was the best shit since Elvis Presley put on leather pants. Thus, outside of the drunk slut street level tit show in February, New Orleans is doomed. THE FUTURE of the Saints, if my franchise mode game I'm currently embroiled in on my late model Madden '07 set-up, is to trade away Eli Manning, who would always either throw an interception or just stand around and wait to get sacked 17 times a game, for the Browns #1 draft pick, where they get a promising young scrambling Big Ten quarterback with a big arm, who automatically leads them to four Super Bowls in a row, and counting. Also, Mike Singletary will become their coach, and he will create a new hyper-speed turnover-happy defense that basically starts only ends, linebackers, and cornerbacks, plus one hard hitting headhunter strong safety. Once I finish designing my own half-assed two-quarterback playbook, to be coached by Brett Favre once he moves into coordinator mode, to complement Singletary's imaginary defense, I figure the Saints will win every Super Bowl ever until real life's computer runs out of memory for more success.

#7: CAROLINA PANTHERS (6-9, #24 overall) - The Panthers have mostly been my number two favorite team ever since they started because, honestly, growing up in southside Virginia - which is basically the unwiped ass of Virginia - I identified far more with North Carolina than D.C. I'd go to the drag races in Roxboro with my uncle Ricky to run his Vega, and we'd go camping at Buggs Island along the Virginia/Carolina border. Meanwhile, D.C. was either sketchy and drug-ridden, or evil and authoritarian. And as I grew older, northern Virginia grew more cluttered and became the epitome of suburban sludgish stalling sprawl that stifles a country boy's soul like my own. Shit, I'd rather live amongst crackheads in the city than try to weasel my way through that eternal cul-de-sac purgatory. So if they had existed back in the day, I probably would've been down with them instead of the Skins. (You know, back in the early days of the NFL, the Redskins radio network covered most of the south as well as West Virginia, as there were no other teams until you got to Miami, which is why the Redskins have so many fans amongst old asses in that part of the country.) But even as a casual fan of Carolina, I can see that beyond the obvious injuries, they've been stuck in the same mode the past few seasons, with no real building of the next shit, which sucks, because Steve Smith is about as loveable an NFL player as you're gonna find. I don't know what the fuck happened to Julius Peppers, and their most recent Kevin Greene-style retarded whiteboy linebacker has been lost too concussions most of the time the past couple seasons, and fucking Jake Delhomme has profited long enough off that one good run he had to the Super Bowl a few years back. But fucking Vinny Testaverde? Come on man, I'm not gonna be the same dumb shit NFL dork dude who's like, "That spunky guy just won't quit, and his field generalmanship will only blah blah blah..." Fuck John Fox. Give him another year to fuck things up, and then the Panthers ought to be throwing money and private jets Bill Cowher's way, since he wants to stay settled in Carolina anyways, but you know them football coaching fuckers who retire of their own accord never actually retired and have to be run off by stun gun-wielding security guards after being fired by an irate owner to actually leave football behind. THE FUTURE of the Panthers is to waste a couple more years of Steve Smith's career.

#8: ATLANTA FALCONS (3-12, #27 overall) - I would feel bad for Arthur Blank for this past year, with Michael Vick lying to him then getting sent to federal prison, and with Bobby Petrino lying to him then quitting to go to fucking Arkansas, and with Bill Parcels lying to him and then basically taking the exact same gig with the Dolphins, except for the fact my stupid Home Depot credit card just kicked in ultra-interest right before Christmas on the riding mower I bought last year, so my fake non-money wasn't straight enough to get my kids more useless shit they didn't really need but coveted because they had seen it in glossy catalogs in celebration of the birth of a jew magician. So fuck Arthur Blank. THE FUTURE for the Falcons is fucking terrible. I mean, I don't know if any one team has become so fucked up in one year's time in any major sport ever. If the NFL had soccerfag style relegation, the Falcons would be a leading candidate to get pre-eminently dropped to the second-tier.

NFL WK 16: North division teams

So I’ve had Madden ‘07 for a few months when it got dropped to $10 once the newer shinier more important for you to consume right now Madden ‘08 dropped for $40, but never really got into it, as nothing compares to Madden ‘03 for the modern era (meaning on computers) for me football game dorking. However, I came to the conclusion after reading John and Mike talk up wrestling game dorking that I was stifled not by the new game but by my allegiance to the Redskins. In Madden ‘03, you had Steve Spurrier before everyone realized he sucked, and I could just run hurry-up offense and score 70 points on everybody. Today’s Redskins are punishers, but shitty at it, so the game is boring. Madden games, if you run a running offense, take far too long to play. I’d rather just run a high-speed offense and get the best secondary ever and just throw longballs all day long and complement that with interception returns galore. Straight up, that’s my recipe for success. So I decided to bust out the stupid Madden ‘07 and give it another franchise mode go, but I went with the Saints and a fantasy draft, creating a thuggish ruggish team full of young knuckleheads. Eli Manning, Steve Smith, Ben Watson, Steven Jackson, offensive line of fu manchu white dudes and negroes with names like D’Brickashaw and Pork Chop. It’s been great - I won a Super Bowl the first year, but am struggling with mediocrity the second year due to faggot Madden artificial intelligence injuring all my dudes like an asshole. But the bigger issue is how it has confused me with my for-real NFL watching. You see, mostly I draft regular players (meaning non-skill positions) that look awesome but I’m not too aware of, even though you try to get guys that are young that Madden game brain is gonna eventually pretend are awesome even if they suck in real life (like Eli Manning), but now I’m starting to see these players in games and it’s bothering me. Mostly because I don’t want to give a fuck about Omar Gaithers or Rocky Boiman. Madden football franchise mode super-dorkery, for me, is much more fun once you’re like 10 years down the road and it’s all imaginery fuckers and like maybe Devin Hester and Vernon Davis. I also feel conflicted about giving so much psychic energy to the Saints, who are ahead of the Redskins in the NFC wild card hunt. Me rooting for them, even in a fake game, but being a Redskin fan, could accidentally trigger Saints success, much like how the Monday night game I never gave up on the Redskins even though I logically should have, they scored two late Santana Moss touchdowns to beat the Cowboys. We all possess amazing powers, especially when you suspend science and bullshit that needs proof to be validated. Anyways, this is just a forewarning that I’m deeply immersed mentally in fake world where I go to bed at night imagining highlight reels of my interception squad or A.J. Hawk crippling Rex Grossman (who plays for the Falcons - hahaha, they’re having a shitty couple of weeks in even fake Raven plays Madden football world), so if I accidentally say some shit that doesn’t make sense, it’s partially because I’ve been rotting my mind with electronic stimuli, and partially because you’re a stupid fucker, most likely, just speaking on law of averages and shit, so don’t take it all personal...

#1: GREEN BAY PACKERS (12-2, #5 overall) - Reason #3000 I've realized I'm getting old is I don't hate Brett Favre. It is standard fare for young hipster fags to be contrarian by nature and hate popular stuff and like irrelevant things to show how we understand the misunderstood and are ahead of the curve and secret geniuses, not hipster fags. However, I'm about to turn 35, and whereas I easily hated every great quarterback during my life like Joe Montana (softcore Joe Namath with frilly mullet) or Dan Marino (white man jheri curl throw for 3 million yards to Mark Duper and Mark Clayton but never amount to shit worth nothing outside of Christmas time Isotoner glove commercials) or Phil Simms (when a pussy puts his penis inside another pussy and makes a kid what does it end up being? Chris Simms, poor kid) or John Elway (horsefaced conman) whoever. But for some reason, I just can't hate on Brett Favre. I'd like to think I'm not just another chump ass brainwashed by the "linebacker mentality" "plays the game like a kid" surly '70s/'80s coaching kook talking point, but maybe I am. Favre was drafted into the pros by the Falcons around the same time I graduated high school, and now that there's only like 19 NFL players older than me, him being one of them, maybe rooting for a fucker like Favre allows me to hold onto my fleeing youth. I've got a couple white hairs sticking straight out my scraggleweed beard, and my days where being drunk and going "Haha, watch me roll down this flight of stairs and not hurt myself at all, ain't it funny as shit" have compounded into some achy ass bone connections, even a couple of outright misconnections that cause me to walk like a cross between Fred Sanford and Weird Harold from the Fat Albert Gang. But I am hoping for Favre this year, hoping these young offensive dudes who came from nowhere can help him and his homeboy Donnie Driver ride with a competently rising defense into the Super Bowl. Of course, being an NFL conspiracist at heart, it makes perfect sense, with the obvious themes of REMEMBER THE ICE BOWL with Cowboys vs. Packers, and New Hotness Super QB Tom Brady vs. Crafty Veteran Last Generation's Last Star Standing QB Favre in the Super Bowl. I guess you could plug Peyton Manning into that last one as well, but somehow I'm able to maintain my hipster fag contrarian at-all-costs attitude towards that fuckface. It is fun to do imitations of him talking like a cartoon hillbilly though. THE FUTURE for the Packers involves one last hurrah for old Favre, then they spend twenty years trying to get back to that.

#2: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (8-6, #10 overall) - Charles Bronson was always playing an outsider because of his very defined non-accentual accent. If it was a western, he was the lone settled Indian, or if it was the South, he was from the long guy from out west, or if it was the modern west, he was the lone person in town who trusted spics. He'd say calm things with his weird ass accent, then bash motherfuckers with bottles or trucks and duck down in the blind spot to pop out and shoot you. And that made his wide face and long flat mustache a noble ass-kicking face, one that could rile you up to think some serious shit was gonna go down, even if all he was doing was a public service announcement about littering. The Vikings are on a roll lately, and things seem to be going their way, but I just have no faith in it continuing into the playoffs, because Minnesota is a natural long-time second fiddle in the NFL, and Brad Childress's face is the opposite of Charles Bronson. A face like that could never fire up a team to kick ass. Shit, he looks like someone on a sexual offender registry website. And because Childress looks like a sexual offender, whenever I hear the name Chester Taylor, it makes me think of the Chester the Molester cartoons in old Hustlers. That, in turn, makes me think of old Hustlers, which causes me to want to masturbate 95% of the time. The other 5% it makes me think of a picture they had of two Orientals laying in a bed, and there's talk bubbles above their head and the girl's says "I wanna 69" and the guy's says "Why you wanna broccoli with chicken right now?" THE FUTURE of the Vikings is a soul-crushing loss to the Redskins that ruins their playoff hopes, and a like a billion yards rushing next year for Adrian Peterson once he learns wily veteran ways of the NFL to aid his speedy talent behind that punishing offensive line they've got right now in Minnesota. I guess they should probably try to find a better quarterback than Tavaris Jackson, aka Quincy Carter the 2nd.

#3: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (9-5, #13 overall) - The black and yellow have not been playing as superbly as of late, perhaps because Big Ben has been ailing, and also perhaps because they've been playing home games in a fucking Vietnamese rice farm (perhaps in honor of half of Hines Ward's heritage). But overall, I think Mike Tomlin's done well to hold things traditional. I mean fuck, Bill Cowher coached for like 20 years and only won one Super Bowl, but people act like he's coaching Jesus waiting to save another franchise from eternal failure whenever the money's right. But Cowher basically just did the same shit Chuck Knoll did, and he was the one who coached them to four Super Bowls in the '70s, which I guess is why Cowher seems so great because it was the same shit that won five Lombardi trophies. Tomlin carries that same stoic emotionless face, just instead of a jutting jaw of anger, he has the burning white eyeballs of black fury. THE FUTURE for the Steelers is hard to say, because when they go 13-3, they fuck up in the playoffs. But if they go like 9-7, they win the Super Bowl. I would expect them to be able to upset either the Colts or Patriots if they get it together and Herr Roethlisberger isn't all gimped out. But they could also just easily lose to either the Jaguars or Browns in the wild card round. But I will guarantee that Troy Polamalu will continue to be awesome the whole way either way. My man Black Conner of the stoner rock ensemble RPG told me some wacky pro wrestler sounding bullshit about what a kook Polamalu is, but I can't remember all the specific details, just that it made him awesome. Knowing or remembering things is for faggots anyways; real dudes just do shit. And Troy Polamalu is a real dude, but most of those Coconut Island players are.

#4: CLEVELAND BROWNS (9-5, #14 overall) - The Browns are America's favorite underdogs right now, slushing through the snow and using their mad science field goal sensei to win eggball games. Now this fool team, led by a quarterback nobody ever heard of before, might even win their divisional title and get a home playoff game, with the snow blowing in off Lake Erie, and drunk ass hog jowled working class stiff dicks whooping it up... that's motherfucking football. Fuck a dome and fast teams and spread offenses. Kellen Winslow the Soldier has made it almost through his first whole season, and Jamal Lewis is playing again like he's about to get to sentenced to jail for letting friends broker coke deals on his cell phone. Remember when Charlie Weiss was the Belichick offspring genius and Romeo Crennel was the fat loser fuck who was overrated? Also, remember Charlie Frye? I don't even remember where they traded that guy (was it an NFL Europa team?), but he was their opening day quarterback. I bet his professional football ego needs assuaging like a motherfucker right about now. THE FUTURE of the Browns is to be an enjoyable collection of cast-offs and never-wases, that capture the hearts of all us freedom-loving, beer-drinking, football fan fuckheads until they lose and we're just left with the last four asshole super teams we're inevitably gonna be left with.

#5: DETROIT LIONS (6-8, #17 overall) - I think Matt Millen makes most of his general managerial decisions based on run-throughs on Madden, which is why he always drafts wide receivers. He probably won the Super Bowl three years in a row with Jon Kitna and Mike Martz three years in a row, so thought that shit would translate to real life. Seriously, how the fuck does Matt Millen still have a job? I mean, this year they start strong but then crumble to another nothing of a year, so I guess he can blame the coach and get him fired to actually make Mike Martz the bonafide head coach. But how many coaches can Millen throw under the bus before the Ford family finally gets it together? Also, does the Chevrolet family own any sports teams? And how come I can't get a vinyl sticker for the back window of my truck of Sorta Calvin pissing on a Cowboys star? THE FUTURE of the Lions is eventually fielding an offense of five wide receivers every play, in a super Martz genius offense run by Tim Tebow at quarterback. They will score 40 points a game, but give up 43 points a game, never win a playoff game, but inflate fantasy football stats everywhere.

#6: CHICAGO BEARS (5-9, #20 overall) - If I had a dollar for every white dude between the ages of 25 and 35 who is a lifelong Bears fan because when they were a kid at an impressionable age and rap music was first making the young dicks of white ears all hard with jungle sexuality, they were still kids who loved the football because it is what boys do that aren't Dominicans or rural dipshits (both of those play baseball), they were mesmerized by "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and it made them be Bears fans. Ever since, the Bears have sucked, except they might win like 14 games in the regular season and then suck, but it still ends up in sucking. But if I had a dollar for every dude like that I know, I'd have enough money to buy one of those authentic stitched number jerseys, and I'd get an authentic ass Walter Payton jersey, like in whatever color is most awesome to those lifelong Bears fans who were little white kids who thought "The Super Bowl Shuffle" was the greatest shit ever, which I guess is the regular black Bears jersey, which I don't think is actual black but some weird ultra-dark blue that's almost black, or maybe too black like how really dark-skinned Africans look almost blue-faced, and I'd use this really nice expensive authentic Walter Payton jersey to... I don't know... I was gonna say wipe myself after masturbating, but that's not practical because I usually use bath towels for that, ones that have been in the hamper so they're already damp so it's like having a baby wipe for my masturbation, but not really a baby wipe because wiping off from jacking it with a baby wipe is too close to child sexual abuse for my tastes. I don't want to use something advertising a baby's fresh ass to wipe the saliva and cum off my dick. So I'd probably use the Walter Payton jersey... well, nothing funny I can think of makes sense, because most likely I'd just sell it on ebay. THE FUTURE for the Bears involves shitty quarterbacks, lots of shitty quarterbacks.

#7: CINCINNATI BENGALS (5-9, #24 overall) - You know, this is stupid that I make myself do this bullshit. Like, "Oh fuck, the Steelers already played and the next game is tomorrow night, I better hurry up and meet my completely fantasy deadline so that four fucking anonymous internet jackasses who don't even like football will read my stupid bullshit and maybe post a comment like 'Haha Raven Mack, you so funny, also here's my witty comment blah blah blah.'" And that's what I think. And see, I was even gonna relate that to Bobby Petrino and be like "Fuck dumb shit, quit when you hate it," but in the process of doing that, I would've actually done what I was acting like I wasn't doing. Which is exactly what I ended up doing here, but made myself feel better about being a fucking cocksucking blogospheric faggot by condescending towards you, as if we're all stuck in a giant fagland and you are lesser than me because you are reading what I wrote, as if the action of creating the fagland is better and less gay than just hanging out in fagland. So yeah. Who gives a fuck about THE FUTURE of the Bengals?

#8: BALTIMORE RAVENS (4-10, #25 overall) - It looks like the Brian Billick era is finally coming to an end. Ray Lewis is an old man doing his goofy pre-game dance still, looking like the drunk uncle at the family reunion busting an old school move when the DJ put on an old Ill & Al Skratch record. In fact, it's hard to think of even one hopeful aspect of their team. I mean, they have some punishers on defense still, but fuck, shouldn't they have actually had a halfway decent offense somewhere along the way by now? It also bothers me that a team that has the same nickname as my birth-given middle name would have such hideous uniforms. Couldn't they have rocked some lavendar ass alternate jerseys or something? THE FUTURE of the Ravens is rebuilding, rebuilding, rebuilding, which means sucking sucking sucking.