EWA100 - #21. The Juice Crew - The Symphony (Part 1)

21. The Juice Crew - The Symphony (Part 1) (Cold Chillin'. 1988. From Marley Marl's LP In Control: Volume 1)

Raven Mack: This is the greatest posse track ever, in fact probaby why that term even started to exist. And fuck it, Juice Crew is the greatest rap crew ever. Big Daddy Kane is a hall of famer. Kool G. Rap, even though he's never had commercial success of extraordinary status, is pretty much considered one of the greatest lyrical MCs ever. Masta Ace gave birth to three-quarters of the underground MCs there are. And even Craig G remains a legend to this day when it comes to freestyle super destructibility. And anyone who hates Biz Markie hates floppy-eared puppy dogs playing with cherub children of all colors in a lush field full of hundred-dollar-bill trees.
That being said, this song for me is like those old parades the Russians used to have through those Tetris buildings of all their military strength. You see, the Russians never used all that weaponry, but they had it and liked to flaunt it once every so often. "The Symphony" is that flaunting of power, because The Juice Crew was a ridiculous collection of ass-kicking talent. Marley Marl had assembled the motherfuckin' team - so much so that to this day dork whiteboys like myself still regard them as THE motherfuckin' team of all-time.
Which really makes me wonder what kind of stupid shithead MC Shan must've been, because around the same time of this record was when KRS was molesting Shan with the battle raptures. You would think if the Juice Crew was an unbreakable bond of a crew, then KRS would've felt the fury of Kane/Biz/Craig G/Kool G/Ace all at once. But he never did. Which just goes to show how great The Juice Crew was, because when they had a chance to trim the fat by letting it melt in hellfire, they left Shan hanging.
Of note is the fact that I can only assume there is a second part to this song, and that I've never bothered to hear it. I'm sure it's out there on seventeen thousand rap nerd blogs (oldschool88thru91onlyb-sidesthabest.blogspot.com), but I don't need to seek it out. I'm already straight with this.

Mike Dikk: Raven’s write-up reminds me of a personal story that is at most, very loosely related to "The Symphony", but since I very vaguely remember this song when it came out, and I didn’t really start listening to it until several years later, I have nothing really notable that directly relates to it, so I’m going the abstract route.
It may seem stupid to people not into sports, but I feel very lucky that I got to see the greatest athlete of my generation in real time, and not just a part of some sepia toned highlight film. Of course I’m talking about Michael Jordan. Basketball has never been my favorite sport, but all of the other great defining athletes are more or less dudes that played sports before my time. Sure, Barry Sanders was easily the best running back I’ve personally ever seen play the game of football, but I’m sure some old codger would tell you how O.J., or Jim Brown, or fucking Larry Csonka was so much better than Sanders. The same goes if you mention Montana or Marino. Some wrinkly fuck will crawl out of his coffin to bring up some QB from the '50s who played without a helmet and one-and-a-half legs and still managed to throw 600 yards per game. Baseball is even worse, so I won’t even get into that. However, you can’t really argue with Michael Jordan as the best basketball player ever. I think sometimes people may bring up Magic Johnson, but I got to see him play too, and as long as you aren’t judging by nerd stats over pure athleticism and entertainment value, then Jordan wins out.
This story isn’t about Jordan anyway. It’s about how annoying it got to like the Chicago Bulls in the late '80s/early '90s. It was annoying, because EVERYONE I knew liked the Chicago Bulls. I don’t think there was a kid in my school that strayed from that path. I got sick of being on the same side with everyone else during the '90/'91 season, so I switched my allegiance over to the Golden State Warriors.
It may seem like an odd choice to you in retrospect, but this was the season of Run TMC: Tim Hardaway, Mitch Richmond, and Chris Mullin. They were the best looking triple threat on paper and absolutely explosive on offense. If you follow the NBA, you’d know Run TMC quickly disbanded when Richmond went on to play for the Sacramento Kings the next year. That one season though, I was all about Run TMC and I swore to myself they were the best thing going on in basketball and fuck Michael Jordan. They would eventually lose in the West semifinals to the cocksucker Lakers, but to me, The G. State Warriors 1990 squad was the best non-Michael Jordan-related squad in basketball history.
Realistically, I’m sure the Juice Crew Squad was slightly better at rapping than Run TMC was at playing basketball, but in my eyes they are equal. Of course Kane, G. Rap, and Ace would represent RUN TMC. Marley was the Don Nelson and I guess Craig G. was Sarunas Marciullionis, i.e, the talented guy everyone forgets about. Thankfully, Shan and Biz weren’t on this track because I can’t think of Warriors comparisons for them. I guess Shan would be Tom Tolbert because he sucks, and Biz would be World B. Free because that’s a funny name and Biz is a funny dude. We would have to overlook the fact that World B. Free was on the ’80 Warriors and not the ’90 Warriors though.

Download: The Juice Crew - The Symphony


EWA100 - #22. A Tribe Called Quest - Scenario

22. A Tribe Called Quest (Feat. Leaders of the New School) - Scenario (Jive. 1991. From the LP The Low End Theory)

Mike Dikk: Here’s a little known fact about me: I can see into the future. To back up my bold claim, I predict that Raven will proclaim the next entry on our never-ending hip hop bullshit countdown the best posse cut ever. He’s wrong though, because THIS is the best posse cut ever. Of course if you wanted to be anal about it, it’s more like two groups rapping on one track than a full-blown posse cut, but you get the idea.
I got The Low End Theory once the “Jazz/Buggin' Out” single came out, so I already played the shit out of “Scenario” by the time it was released as a single. That was a surprise in itself because rap groups hardly ever released their posse tracks as singles, but this song was too good to be left as a secondary track.
“Scenario” was also the track that sealed public opinion on Busta Rhymes. It was clearly obvious to everyone that he should become a solo artist, and I was definitely in that camp, but I can tell you, I’ve never liked one Busta Rhymes solo thing. I don’t really know where Busta Rhymes solo career rates with John Q. Asshole, because the internet has slightly re-imagined the history of hip hop, and I know those first couple Busta records were all kinds of popular when they came out, but I’m not sure if it’s still acceptable to like them. I do know he made everyone look stupid on “Scenario”.
Continuing on with "Scenario"’s amazing feats, it was the first track I know of that spawned a sequel almost immediately after, and it was just as good as the original. The sequel had a verse by dead rapper Kid Hood, who became the first “genius” rapper that died before his time years before Big L did the same thing. At the time, I remember everyone (“everyone”, meaning The Source) speculating that Kid Hood was going to be Rap’s Next Big Thing, but if you go back and listen to his verse, it wasn’t that spectacular, unless they were grading on the off the charts homophobia, then yes, Kid Hood should have been the next big thing.
Shortly after the success of "Scenario" I and II, a lot of dumb fucks in my school would talk about how there was a "Scenario" III, IV, and even V, but I guess that could be a testament to how great this song was, that kids actually made up imaginary sequels to it. Ego Trip’s Book of Rap Lists did teach me that the original idea of "Scenario" was supposed to feature all Native Tongues members, and they supposedly recorded all of their parts, but in the end, they decided to cut everything out except for the ATCQ and LONS parts. I find all of that really hard to believe since that was the heyday of the 12” remix and it seems like they wouldn’t let something like that just get thrown out. There’s still a glimmer of hope in my head that the "Scenario Full Megamix Edition" will pop up on some nerd’s blog someday, and you can guarantee it will show up on my blog the day after that and I will claim to own it in real life so I can get tons of internet blowjobs and maybe win a blog award so I can retire from life and finally jump off that bridge I always talk about.

Raven Mack: I will be honest, I slept upon this at first. I was not down with the Native Tongues movement, and there is no pseudo-gangsta wannabe in me that caused it. In fact, if truth be known, I was quite the lighthearted hippie fag at times in high school, though I've always attempted to keep myself at least fringely interested in as much different shit as possible. So it would seem the Native Tongues would've been my shit. And I got that first De La Soul tape, and it was okay, but to be honest, that shit was kinda wack at the same time. But I gave everything a try. I dug The Jungle Brothers, and to be honest, never really gave a fuck about ATCQ until later on once Phife decided to be awesome in his own right. As I think I've mentioned, I hate the sound of people whisper rapping, and Q-Tip was one of the early pioneers of this style. It may make hippie chicks' hairy underwear-less vaginas throb with anticipation, but it makes me want to stab motherfuckers with two-foot pieces of rusty rebar. So needless to say, I slept on this shit.
However, once this single took over the world, I was not the type to be all like "Fuck Native Tongues" to the point that I couldn't dig on it. One will not open themselves to new things if too hardheaded. And I think I might've got a dub of Leaders of the New School's first tape because of this single, and I realized, like most of the rest of the earth, that Busta Rhymes pretty obviously stood out, and that Charlie Brown may have been one of the worst rappers ever in the history of rhythmic speed-talking.
And now I am an older dude with a wife who has one of those new-fangled ipods and two daughters - one eight and one four - who I like to plug in Christmas lights in the kitchen on a Little Friday evening (aka Thursday), drinking ice cold Miller High Life Lights with tomato juice, and playing all the old school bullshit I've forced my wife to accept on her ipod so that when I have to drive for us to go waste like three hundred dollars for one block of cheese, some olive oil, and some fucking container of yogurt that's got living creatures in it that's supposed to be so good for me it'll add years to my life at stupid assed piece of shit Whole Foods, I can at least listen to an old school jam or two to keep me from slicing open the world with a three dollar broken Reed's ginger brew bottle. This means that, perchance, "Scenario" will come on, which it has, and I will yell out, like everybody else who grew up at that time, "ROWR! ROWR! LIKE A DUNGEON DRAGON!" which has caused me to figure out if I should explain to my kids about Dungeons & Dragons the cartoon since they yell that shit now too and have no idea what the fuck a dungeons and dragons is, probably figuring that shit to be related to Belle and the Beast or some other Disneyfied princess brainwashing bullshit.
Also, due to the influence of Black Moon, I will also yell out "POWERFUL IMPACT - BOOM!" and I've always secretly wished I was saying that while smashing our family car into the front windows of the Whole Foods right as that line came on, crushing a bunch of Zen Buddhist hippie dudes picking through organic fruit with over-analytical pretentious eyeballs, as rich as a Republican businessman, but as full of shit as a Republican preacher.

Download: A Tribe Called Quest - Scenario (I was also going to post the Scenario Remix here but I can't find it on my god damn computer, even though I know I have at least 3 separate Mp3s of it. I'm sure you've heard it anyway.)

Watch the video:


Hip Hop Ad Libs Part 3: WHAT?! OKAY!

Predictably I left a couple of entries off of my producer section, which are really two of the most amusing, so I don't understand why I forgot about them. Probably because I was posting the last post at work and was trying to get done typing it before my boss came into my office and didn't see any naked girls on my computer screen. Interesting how that's what my boss EXPECTS to see as opposed to any of YOUR bosses.

Kanye West: Now, Kanye doesn't have any ad libs per se, but the most hilarious thing that he mentions in EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SONG is that...in case you didn't know...Kan is the Louis Vuitton DON, man! What, you didn't know? 'Cause you know, he's the Don of Louis Vuitton, and he also wears a lot of VER-SAY-SEE. Insert eyeroll here. I long for the days when Kanye didn't have money. Personally living in LA and working in porn has made me REAL tired out on Louis Vuitton. All these bitches all over the place have a Louis bag. And most of them are knockoffs. Its so bad that I can tell when they're knockoffs and I don't even OWN a Louis bag. I will never own one, either. For one, they're so god damned ugly, for two...why be part of the bandwagon? I'm no fucking sheep. Still, you gotta love that manpurse he's got on in the above picture. Or not.

P. Diddy: Diddy doesn't exactly have a lot of ad libs but I swear he's been saying two things for the past 10+ years. #1 - On every track on the fade out he starts with: "WE WON'T STOP...'CAUSE WE CAN'T STOP!" Or some variation of that. The most hilarious thing about this statement is...it makes NO fucking sense. Now admittedly, I am a bit retarded sometimes so IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE...! But just take a moment and say that to yourself. "We won't stop...'cause we can't stop" What? Huh?? #2 - He's always like "Take that, take that". I crack up with this one...and I blame the porn industry. EVERY single time I hear someone say that it seems a little on the vulgar side to me. As if he's telling some chick to open her mouth or something. You know what I'm talkin' bout.

DJ Ad Libs:

WARNING - I left off a lot of obvious choices, and only talked about the ones I've heard a lot of or supported, or bought their mixtapes (or bootlegged them). Keep in mind that I used to be a big mixtape person and then just got too involved with my own person drama to have the time or energy to devote to DJ shit.

DJ Khaled: A relative newcomer to the scene, I barely heard him for the first time on "Holla at Me Baby" early last year. In this first song I thought he was cool, he didn't appear all over the place in the video either. But then in every single god damned track that he produced or mixed or whatever after that...it just went all downhill. First he came with saying his name. Which is fine. Then he started up with his now trademark "LISTENNN!" Except when he says it, it sounds like he's saying it like "LISTEN-NUH!" Obviously we're listening dumbass! Why do you gotta tell people to listen when we're already doing it? The hip hop contingent isn't THAT dumb. Then he tries to get all PC with the "I'm about UNITY man!" Yeah, yeah. And lastly, the name of his second album..."WE THE BEST!" I desperately am hoping that by WE he doesn't mean Terror Squad 'cause they are most certainly NOT the best. The best one of them all is Fat Joe and he ain't even that great.

DJ Clue: Clue has definitely been making me LOL all hardcore since The Professional. His remix of Ruff Ryders Anthem was some serious shit though. I liked it (as per usual) much better than the original. It was then that I first hear his now trademark echo-y ass shouts out: NEW SHIT!! CLUE! CLUEMINATI! DESERT STORM! DURO! Okay so, the first two things he always says are all right in my book, you gotta make sure everyone knows who did the the remix, and then shout out your people. But Clueminati? Its obvious he's using his name as a reference to the Illuminati, which makes me laugh. He's on the wrong record label for that according to the EWA, in any case. And what the fuck does Duro mean? Can someone please let me know?

Don Cannon: A very new DJ on the DJ circuit, his first produced and remixed songs that I heard him on were "Go Crazy" and the "Go Crazy Remix". He actually does a fairly interesting and original (original as far as I'm concerned, only because I haven't heard enough mixtapes to know I guess) thing to put his trademark on the songs he either mixes or produces. He's got a little sound bite that he plays in the background of each song that just says, "CANNON...CANNON!" I swear it comes from a video game or something. I've been trying to figure out where its from. Someone holla at me and let me know where that's from, will you? I can't listen to a Cannon produced song without losing my mind about this. Well that, and sometimes the sound byte is simultaneously unobtrusive and annoying at the same time.

DJ Whoo Kid: Better known as 50's mixtape bitch, Whoo Kid's a decent DJ and all, and I guess I gotta give him props because he has very solidly had 50's back since all the bullshit beef with the Game. What's funny to me is that it doesn't seem like he even made an attempt to be original with his shit, all he does it a more echo-y, louder, and more drawn out version of DJ Clue's ad libs with his name. *shakes head* Apparently not only is there no originality anymore with hip hop artists, there isn't with DJs either.


White Boys - Hardcore, is it Not? 12" Single

If you regularly read Unkut, you might have seen the three part interview with T-Ray a couple weeks ago. He was one of the members of the oft-forgotten White Boys. I am going to spare you any background, because I would be repeating things I read in that interview, so you can go read it for yourself.

All you need to know is that I picked this up in the record store the other day for $2, and I usually don't rush to my computer to rip shit for the masses, but I know Raven wanted a copy of this, so I loaded up Audacity and did the business. Then I figured I might as well throw it up on here just in case two other people in the universe might want it.

White Boys - Hardcore, Is It Not? 12" Single (1987. Tin Pan Apple)

1. Hardcore, Is It Not? (Short Version)
2. Hardcore, Is It Not? (Long Version)
3. Coolin' In The Crib



7-list: Redneck Hippie LPs

Rednecks and hippies are two of the most despised breeds of American left to make fun of, and rightly so in most cases. However, as a youngster with young parents and their wild and wacky menagerie of friends, the main impressive influence on my early life was a weird hybrid of redneck and hippie that they all were. Shit, I think I was like 9 and sleeping over at a richer friend’s house one weekend before I realized that the majority of grown-ups did not look like people on the gatefold of a Lynyrd Skynyrd record.
These redneck hippies, to this day, are held in high esteem by me, because they’re open-minded enough to not be stupid rednecks (which would be terrible decision because non-whites have reefer too), and they’re also not naïve and pacifistical like stupid hippies, so they’re apt for violence and craziness. In fact, just last weekend I was at a rock show, and this older punk fuck from Richmond was fucking with me because I didn’t want to go outside and get high with him, saying some “Then why do you look like a stupid hippie then?” referring to my dreadlocks and the sandals I was wearing (generic thrift store old black man sandals, not $350 super-hippie brand name shits, just to clarify), and I answered, “Because I like to fight stupid fucks who like to hate fucking hippies.” We all had a good life and got a round of shots.
Anyways, I figured since this is mostly a hip hop-related blog, I’d write about something that none of you will care about at all. And it won’t open you up to anything because most likely you’ll just think I’m a dumbass redneck hippie cuntface loser and this shit will mean nothing to you. Which is fine, because most likely the redneck half of me would want to fight you over something trivial in real life anyways. But then the hippie half of me would want to be cool enough we could have a beer together and maybe smoke a blunt together in the alley or something. However, none of this would ever happen because the redneck hippie’s natural habitat usually involves a picnic table and horseshoe pits in his own backyard, which is probably as far as I’d make it your way anyways. Well, nonetheless, here are seven classic super-awesome Sunday morning bloody mary huevos rancheros in a skillet type albums to be playing on your beat up ass component system you’ve acquired piece by piece over the years from various pawn shops and thrift stores, anchored by one of those giant silver receivers with huge knobs and little tachometers and shit like ‘70s mad science in full effect.

#1: ZZ Top – Tejas
I put this one first because this is probably the album that’s gotten the most spins on my turntable in the past two months. If you only know of ZZ Top for their ‘80s “Sharp Dressed Man” and “Legs” era MTV renown, then you are missing the fuck out. Before they got all electronic and video-happy, they were one of the grimiest ass rock-n-roll bands you could ask for. There’s really no dissing a lot of their early work (Tres Hombres is most well-known, but ZZ Top’s First Album and Rio Grande Mud are even better), however, this Tejas record, I don’t know, ol’ Billy Gibbons was in a motherfuckin’ zone on this one. It’s got that same grimy blues rock they had become known for, but this album is mellower than fuck at the same time, but not in a faggot jam band type mellow way. More like taking mushrooms in the desert and shooting a pistol at rocks all day long type mellow, which is more befitting the redneck hippie mentality. I’m constantly changing the dumb shit I say should be played at my funeral… actually maybe I should explain redneck hippie funerals from where I grew up. Usually, they involve a bunch of longhaired people who never go to church going to a church in their finest pair of blue jeans, listening to some preacher talk for a bit, then we go bury the dude who had a massive stroke or wrecked a van or something get chunked in the ground. People will say very funny shit about the dude and how crazy but good he was by the grave, then everybody will go to one of his family member’s houses and everyone will drink a lot and do drugs around a large fire with music blaring for the next day or two. Seriously. I have been to two actual funerals in junkyards. One of them the dude actually had a pinebox coffin with a confederate flag draped over it and somebody opened the windows of their car and blasted “Freebird”. No shit. The shocking thing was THERE WERE PLENTY OF BLACK PEOPLE STANDING THERE, plus some orientals. Nothing racist about that dude in his actions, so no one would be all hung up about semantics and historics and all that analytical bullshit. Anyways, my point was, at my funeral, if someone just loops up “Asleep in the Desert” for like the half an hour people are shoveling dirt over me, that’d be fine. Of course, I’ll be a dead ass motherfucker, so it won’t really matter to me then.

#2: Willie Nelson – Red Headed Stranger
Willie Nelson is kind of the God of redneck hippies. Back in the ‘70s, once biker movies had opened people up to the fact that there was a breed of redneck that was probably more down with Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda than the crewcut rednecks of Easy Rider (well, maybe not Peter Fonda, he was kinda preachy and shit), Willie let his hair grow out and started rocking for the drug-addled country folks of America. Outlaw country became a marketable genre and dudes grew an awesome variety of scraggly facial hair.
A lot of people love some Willie Nelson, but you can always tell a true Willie Nelson fan, like deep into the mix, if you ask them his best record and they say this one. Because really there is no other better Willie Nelson record, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is a stupid fag who reads too much music critic pseudo-literary bullshit. Willie was making some good concept albums back in the ‘70s, with themes running throughout, which seems to be completely lost on modern musicians, maybe because modern formats are downloads instead of slabs of physical vinyl with two sides comprised of circles and all that new age aesthetic (hippie half of me firing up on that sentence). But Red Headed Stranger is seriously one of the greatest theme country records ever made. Shit, it’s one of my top five albums ever if I could only have five for the rest of my life. This is the perfect record for drunken Sunday mornings (like I said, redneck hippies don’t go to church unless someone is dead, but we tend to hold the story of Samson and Delilah in pretty high moral regard).
My two younger sisters actually went to see Willie Nelson tonight somewhere in North Carolina, and we will all meet up at my mom’s house tomorrow since my wife is out of town, and I’m sure we’ll all drink beer around a big fire and get the kids to do funny dances and my sisters will talk up how awesome the Willie Nelson show was, even though they’re both probably high as fuck on some sort of wacky neon-colored new-fangled weed strain so you can’t truss it completely, and I will be jealous I couldn’t go. But fuck it, someone’s got to bring up the next generation.

#3: The Charlie Daniels Band – Fire on the Mountain
Again, like ZZ Top, mainstream thought misses the boat on Charlie Daniels, though he has turned into a chump-ass in his old age. For most people, Charlie Daniels means that “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” song, and to put it in rap terms, it’s like when people talk about how awesome Outkast speaking on the “Hey Ya” song. It misses the rillest shit. For CDB, there are a trio of classic records that would be welcome in the redneck hippie’s record collection cabinet – Saddle Tramp, Nightrider, and this album. The only reason I chose this one is because it has “Long Haired Country Boy”, which is about a thousand times more of a “Freebird” style anthem to the average redneck hippie than “Freebird” is. Pop culture kinda ran with that “Freebird” stereotype, and it’s all too often sadly true at times, but “Long Haired Country Boy” is THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ ANTHEM. There is no higher song. Which is why Charlie Daniels seems a chump ass now. Original lyrics to that song go, “I get stoned in the morning, I get drunk in the afternoon,” and nowadays stupid assed Chuckie Fiddlehead sings, “I get up in the moring, I go down in the afternoon.” Fuck that shit. I understand growing old and wanting to distance yourself from reckless behavior, but fuck. What happened to that youthful attitude? I mean, Willie Nelson just had tour bus stopped last year full of mushrooms and weed, and he’s probably at least a decade older than Charlie Daniels. I guess Daniels wants to keep his corporate options open so he can fiddle around during Super Bowl halftime shows and use that overplayed “Devil” song to sell Hyundais to the fickle-minded.
Also, on a side note, just in case a person stumbles across this bullshit who is actually into this type of music, a motherfuckin’ awesome and not well known CDB album is Te John, Grease & Wolfman, which has alternate versions of a lot of their lesser known songs off the major three albums I mentioned, including a sick-ass redoing of “New York City King Sized Rosewood Bed”, of which the original version appears on Fire on the Mountain. Just in case you were wondering and shit.

#4: Lynyrd Skynyrd – Nuthin’ Fancy
Skynyrd is the basis for most of the worst stereotypes about redneck types, although their hit machine nature causing them to be overplayed on classic rock stations combined with that even though almost every original member is either dead or a vegan recluse now (what’s up Artimus, in case you’re googling yourself in between hatha yoga sessions), the band has reloaded with washed-up second and third-tier younger brothers and lesser southern rock guitarists to sort of become an almost cartoon copycat of the worst stereotypes you could think of the band. It’s sad. I wouldn’t go see a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert now if you paid me, drove me there, and got me high on the way. Shit, I turned down free tickets to see them FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!
Still, I think in the “LOL stupid Lynyrd Skynyrd racists!” way of thinking, people overlook how much good ass, good natured music they made beyond the Super ‘70s Mega-Hits. This record is probably my favorite by them, because outside of “Saturday Night Special”, it’s not chock full of said mega-hits, and there’s some great songs on here. Used to be whenever I made screwtop wine bottle mixtapes, the last two songs on side A, “Railroad Song” and “I’m a Country Boy” pretty much always made it into the mix. But still, pretty much every song on this album is great, with “Cheatin’ Woman” and “Am I Losin’” on top of the already mentioned bullshit. Oh yeah, I guess “Whiskey Rock and Roller” was a minor hit too to end the second side. Still, none of this shit, outside of “Saturday Night Special” is played out, and this a great album to be playing when a guard rail sneaks into the front end of your vehicle driving drunker than fuck late one night. But I mean, we all have to get home somehow, and you’re more likely to wreck your own shit than to kill a toddler playing kickball innocently in the front yard as Mothers Against Drunk Drivers would have you believe. In fact, I think a much better way to get people to not drink and drive would be for them to be honest and have a commercial that says, “Yeah, we know you’ve been drinking and you want to go home. But if we catch you in the process, it’s gonna be expensive as shit. Like a thousand beers expensive. When you see our lights and you’re all drunk trying to sneak back roads back home, it’s gonna be just like you just bought a thousand beers that you won’t get not even one of. And on top of that, you’re gonna have to spend the night in jail. Plus call your bitch of an ol’ lady to get her to come bail you out. And you know that’s gonna end up being triflin’ as fuck, too. So seriously, don’t let us catch you drinking and driving.”

#5: Black Oak Arkansas – Black Oak Arkansas
I never even really heard of these guys much growing up, and didn’t discover them till my mid-twenties, and they’re still playing and making music that pales compared to when they were young and hungry and wild and fucking lots of bitches. But their first couple records are some good shit. Actually, I’ll only outright vouch for two of them, When An Angel Comes to See You, Would You Make Her Feel At Home is a personal favorite, but you have to be deep into the backyard picnic table barefoot in the horseshoe pits mindframe to really appreciate that one. It’ll sound kinda stupid at times to an unlounged ear. But their self-titled debut is wacky Ozark redneck rock-n-roll raucousness, pure good shit. “Lord Have Mercy on My Soul” is a classic rock station cut, but the original album has a wacky organ-laced talking intro by Jim Dandy Mangrum (probably as much David Lee Roth as David Lee Roth ever was, but about ten years ahead of him) talking about dying but making a deal with the devil and god to come back to earth to make music. The whole album is great, and winds up with “When Electricity Came to Arkansas”, which is like one of those long-winded jams that late ‘60s bands used to have, just this one doesn’t have a dorky drum solo segment and seems to be fueled by moonshine and illegal fireworks.

#6: The Ozark Mountain Daredevils – It’ll Shine When It Shines
Probably the most easy listening of the seven choices I made, but I grew up with my dad playing this motherfucker every Sunday morning after a long night of Jim Beam and homegrown. Sundays, he’d always wake up early and start blaring music like this, sipping on a beer and making a giant breakfast full of unhealthy and awesome things. “Jackie Blue” I think was a minor hit for these guys, and is pure easy listening crap on its own, but mixed into the rest of the album, it’s not that bad. But seriously, the entire second side of “Walkin’ Down the Road”, “What’s Happened Along My Life”, “It Probably Always Will”, “Lowlands”, “Tidal Wave”, and “It’ll Shine When It Shines” is about as perfect a redneck hippie soundtrack you could ask for, encapsulating the entire, “Fuck it, I’m broke but I don’t really like busting my ass for some shithead no ways so I’m gonna sit right here and maybe plant a couple of tomato plants and see if Harold wants to come over and help me empty this cooler full of beer and maybe play some Spades.”

#7: David Allan Coe – Rides Again
No list of redneck hippie music would be complete without David Allan Coe. He is known for the whole “Oh shit, he made racist tapes in the ‘70s” thing, but seriously, David Allan Coe is as far removed from that as thirty years could make him. Dude is like 75, still playings shows about four days a week on a confederate flag flying V guitar, and his long hair and long beard are all dreaded up and nappy, he talks about people needing to be more open-minded then will sing a song about transsexuals or some shit, all while some weird new age fortysomething hippie panhead mama stands right off the stage as his around-the-clock handler. Dude is outta control.
You can’t even get David Allan Coe Rides Again as a single release anymore, as it was re-released combined with his other Longhaired Redneck album. Both are great albums, but Rides Again stands out a bit for me personally because each side doesn’t really have any breaks and each song bleeds into the next. And this one is full of great self-reckless but fuck it songs like “Laid Back and Wasted”, “Lately I’ve Been Thinking Too Much Lately”, and that great oft-cited classic (due to it’s single use of the dreaded N-word – “N” being capitalized to show just how dastardly that word is) “If That Ain’t Country”.
The thing is, David Allan Coe during this time was about as close to a rapper as any country musician has been, and not just because of the speed-talking delivery of lyrics in songs like “If That Ain’t Country”. Dude wore rhinestones and drove a big long Cadillac that he’d park in front of the Grand Ole Opry just to scare all the mainstream country folks who didn’t want his type there. And his albums at that time were sure to have pictures of him holding large wads of twenty dollar bills, probably a couple of guns, maybe a dog on a chain, or standing on top of said Cadillac, with mentions of his time in prison pretty easy to find.
I pretty much figure any day now I’ll read that David Allan Coe died, because that dude is old and has lived a hard ass life. Practicing biker-based polygamy, doing prison stints for manslaughter, and just generally living that image up for the most part, even to nowadays, where I doubt he drinks and shit like he would when he was young, but I refuse to believe any grey-haired dude with a dreadlocked beard does not dabble in illicit substances on the regular. I’m gonna be a sad dude when he dies, because I love going to his shows in Charlottesville and drunkenly picking fights with UVA fratboys. Also, it’s always a great show (of course, I’m usually halfway wasted, so you can’t truss it then either). Still, today’s so-called “country” music ain’t made of people like this guy, and alt.country is just another word for fag.suburb.
Oh well, fuck it. I guess I’ll just keep spinning old shit on the turntable.


EWA100 - #23. Beastie Boys - Paul Revere

23. Beastie Boys - Paul Revere (Def Jam/Columbia. 1986. From the LP Licensed To Ill)

Raven Mack: The Beastie Boys are stupid zen buddhist dumbfuck minor league jam band goofs now, so it's hard to remember they were actually relevant to for-real rap music at one point. I mean, they could kick it with Biz Markie and shit. This song probably brought more warm feelings to American youth relations than any other though, and mostly by accident.
I have a jukebox, like a real giant useless jukebox which is basically an old man's ipod, except it can only hold 200 songs, and unfortunately every two of them have to be attached physically to each other. Which brings me to "Paul Revere". When The Beasties blew the fuck up as asshole white kids down for whatever schtick, the ginormous hit for them was that fight for your right to party song. When that was released on vinyl format (7 inch for radio stations and my jukebox eventually), the opposite side was "Paul Revere". Now, for some reason, on the actual Licensed To Ill record, "Paul Revere" was the one song that black people loved the most. I am basing this on all the black people I grew up around and how they knew the words to "Paul Revere" but probably nothing else musical by white people. And the party fighting song was definitely a huge hit amongst the more rock-oriented white folks of the planet earth ball.
I'm not sure why this song is so fucking great. I mean, the beat is weird for the time, and apparently still holds value as that goddamned annoying-ass "So Crispy" song is basically this same beat with a touch of annoying 2007 tinkerbell drum machine spice on top, but it doesn't seem like the most slamming beat ever or anything. And the rhymes are as cornily humorous as anything else on the record. Perhaps it's the story itself, since 99% of rap music, lyrically, is nothing more than stringing together metaphorical and linguistical trickery with no real attention given to cohesion of thoughts. Still, this is a great super fun song that I'm proud to have a copy of in my old man ipod (selection E11, as opposed to E12, because I insert my seven inch records with my favorite side getting top billing, not according to the retarded marketing schemes of corrupt record labels).

Mike Dikk: I have some mind-blowing theories about this song, but unfortunately they will have to wait until we get a little further into this list. I didn’t initially like The Beastie Boys because “Fight For Your Right” and “No Sleep Til Brooklyn” Are horrible songs. Seriously, if you like those songs in 2007, you need to fucking grow up already.
However, if you cut out those two songs, along with a couple others from Licensed To Ill, and strip it down to the dirty gutter songs you have one H E Double Hockey Sticks of an LP. It’s not something that can really be duplicated (not that anyone with a brain would want to) because it’s so retarded and sophomoric. Almost immediately after Licensed To Ill, it became the unwritten Rap law that you had to be totally serious when it came to rapping on record. I’m not saying every successful rap act after Licensed To Ill was completely serious, but I can guarantee you none of them were this goofy either.
Outside of the goofiness, this record became highly influential to a lot of artists, black and white. That’s why The Beastie Boys will always be the most universal group as far as rap is concerned. I think they’ve since lost all their street cred, but they were putting out records with weird jam songs on it that people of all races, colors, and creeds could get down with.
“Paul Revere” sticks out of Licensed To Ill because, like Raven said, it’s the most well-liked song by both sides of the racial rainbow. Personally, I never looked at The Beastie Boys as white boys trying to do black music back then because I only knew of like ten rap groups, and The Beastie Boys was one of them, making the black-to-white ratio not as one-sided as it would get, up until Eminem came out and balanced things out again. I’m going to end this bit here though in fear of getting too “racial”. Race is the only thing you can’t joke around about on the internet, and I joke around about it a lot, and I’m trying to be totally serious here people. Don’t make me stoop down to that level.

Download: Beastie Boys - Paul Revere

There was never an official video for this song, but Youtube has an insane amount of home made videos for Paul Revere. Some of them are ok, but most of them are crap. Since this is Dumpin.net and not IReallyGiveAShitAboutYourAVClassProject.com, I present to you the two worst home made Paul revere videos on all of Youtube. (I couldn't decide which one was worse)

The first video is some hippie douche who thought it would be a good idea to make an acoustic version of Paul Revere. This is pretty bad on it's own, but the fact that it sucks and it didn't deter this hackey sack fucktard from posting it on Youtube makes it especially terrible:

Here is the worst band I have ever heard hanging out in a bedroom that they most likely share with each other, covering Paul Revere. What makes this especially awful is that they pointed the video camera at a mirror because they couldn't find anyone to stomach this in real time. I really hate hippies.


EWA100 - #24. Eric B & Rakim - Paid in Full

24. Eric B & Rakim - Paid In Full (Zakia/4th & Broadway. 1987. From the LP Paid In Full)

Mike Dikk: I really wish someone else was writing this because I don’t think I’m going to do very good writing the introductory write up. I was really born a year too late for this. See, back in the '80s, you didn’t get to hear every record ever three weeks before it’s release date. In fact, sometime it would be entire YEARS before you heard some kind of seminal record in your specific genre of choice. Especially if you were ten and you didn’t have a job yet because you were too short to operate heavy machinery and your pre-pubescent penis was too small to become a proper gigolo. So I didn’t hear Eric B. & Rakim until well after Follow The Leader came out. Because of that, I really never listened to “Paid In Full” (the song or the record) until years later, and I’m sorry, but this stuff just doesn’t hold up as well as the stuff from Follow The Leader. The lyrics are there, but the beats aren’t as great.
It’s probably a given there would be a few Eric B & Rakim songs on here, but I was kind of surprised by this pick. I’m sure a lot more people aren’t, but out of the 5 or 6 absolute classic songs Eric B & Rakim put out, I’d rank this one the lowest. I guess if you were looking at this from a technical rap nerd perspective, it basically gave birth to the whole “I need to get money” mentality in rap music (supposedly, these are the words of others, not my own), and the drum loop is one of the most used in the history of rap music, but outside of that, there’s not much going on for me. I even like “Don’t Sweat The Technique” more than this song. I’m sure I’m committing Rap blasphemy for speaking ill will toward anything Rakim did on those first two records, but I felt I should be honest with you, the reader, since we’ve been on such a longwinded, drawn out tumultuous journey together. I really hope Raven has one of his trademark Wholesome Country Livin’ Nostalgia stories to make this write up seem like it’s worth a shit. I’m sorry.

Raven Mack: I think Mike is suffering from hipster nerd contrarian backlash, because it's standard hipster nerd nonsense to talk up the seven-and-a-half minute mega-remix of this song as the greatest old school shit ever. But here's the real talk from an expert whiteboy who owns the singles: the mega-mix is masturbatory bullshit that takes away from the simple greatness of the original version of normal length. This was standard procedure in that 1987 through 1990 timeframe to make a mega-mix of a song, and instead of today's gimmick of having five guest flavors of the month to rhyme over the beat, the old gimmick was to draw out the samples to a longer sample and to add quirky oddball vocal snippets from movies or campy old science records or news reports. Another good example of this is "Night of the Living Baseheads" remix by Public Enemy. Luckily for us all, Pete Rock came along to re-invent the remix.
The lyrical ridiculousness of Rakim, if you were to tell me to break it down to one verse as an example, it'd be this one. For real. Mike's right when he says Follow the Leader holds up better, because the beats are more attuned to the future of rap music. Still, the rhymes on Paid In Full changed the way motherfuckers even thought about writing rhymes. Rakim made shit obsolete. And whereas people had been storyteller rhymers before (Slick Rick for example), Rakim's story he's telling in "Paid In Full" is not so much a long drawn out story being explained step-by-step, but he's telling the story indirectly. You figure a lot of it out on your own, and he tightens up every fucking syllable to crispy thickness.
It's been a couple of painkiller prescriptions ago we made this list, but I remember being almost freaked out that this ended up this low. I pegged it to be an automatic top ten song when we started this project. Like I couldn't even imagine it not being a top ten song (outside of the hipster nerd contrarianism because too many dumbasses hype it up in normal full-of-shit dipshit fashion within earshot, which I've also experienced, and may be even adding to for some people) on any serious list.

Download: Eric B & Rakim - Paid in Full

(I'd like to note that by the time we got around to writing this, we had totally forgotten whether it was the original mix of this song that got nominated or the Remix. We have a feeling it was the remix but neither me or Raven are really thrilled with that version, so we are pretending it was the original mix that got the nod. So you get an mp3 of the original mix, but the video for the remix. We are sorry for any confusion or depression this will cause you.)


Hip Hop Ad Libs - LOL type shit - Part 2

Jim Jones- I'm an idiot. My whole section on rapper ad-libs came about because I was talking to my roommate/best friend about Jim Jones a month ago or so and we were talking about ow he's been blowing up on every god damned remix lately, and how his little "BALLIN!" ad lib has blown the fuck up too. And I forgot to add him in my first post on this topic. Bleh. Anyway, these days you can even see NFL players doing the "ballin" little fadeaway action when they make touch downs, which is just crazy to me, because I don't think any other ad-lib has made that kind of impact that I know of.

Anyhow, to be honest I was aware of the existence of Jim Jones, much like Juelz, for a few years now, but didn't really care much for him. I liked Crunk Muzik off his first solo album, could care less about his second album, and off his newest release I tried not to listen to any of it, but couldn't avoid hearing him popping up on random remixes just throwing his "BALLIN!" ad lib into it. Funny thing about Jim Jones saying he's BALLIN, is that how much ballin' can he be doing when you consider the fact that not one of his solo albums has gone platinum? Or maybe he means ballin' in the other sense, that he's banging a lot of hot chicks.

As a random aside, my two close friends have talked to me separately about the fact that every time you see Jim Jones, he looks so god damned GRIMY. One of them wondered if every time he was on the way to a photo shoot or an appearance on 106th and Park, did he just park like 3 miles from the set and run there? Or does he get to set and do like 400 push ups and sit ups before he gets in front of the camera? I mean, dude looks like he could use a serious application of some shower gel with a loofa. Or a facial of some sort.

Moving into my producer's section...
(Oh, I have a disclaimer on this one, I am doing this one on memory without even listening to anything in my iTunes library. There could be ad-libs that the producers I list do that I don't remember off the top of my head. Eh.)


JD: Jermaine Dupri makes me laugh with his ad libs, because he's only got like 2 or 3 that he works half to DEATH. First of all, of course he's got to come with "JD YA'LL!!" And then of course there's the "SO SO DEF!!!!" And last but not least, my absolute favorite - "YA'LL KNOW WHAT THIS IS!!" I can understand saying his name and also shouting out his label, but that last one? Do we really know what this is? Seeing as how he does it in the beginning of the song, I generally don't know what THIS IS till the song is done. I haven't the faintest clue where he came up with this ad lib or more importantly WHY because it makes no sense, but hey. Maybe he said it one time and thought it sounded cool or some shit. I don't even remember him doing this on all his songs, but it seems to have crept into the songs he's in or produced in the last year or two.

Lil Jon: I was sitting at my stepsister's graduation party a couple weeks ago, and I was kickin it with this one white boy who was SO white he was like Tide with Bleach, man. He had no clue about anything on hip hop, which was fine, since I like other genres, but the best part about our conversation was that my boy turns his hat to the back and tells him to take a picture looking "gangsta" and what does this guy do? He screams out "YEAHHHHHH! OKAYYYY!!" I just about died. I had no idea that Lil 'Jon's ad libs had permeated that much of mainstream that random people who don't know a damn thing about hip hop would know about it. I suppose the origins make sense, except if I were an artist being produced by Lil' Jon, I'm not sure I'd want him to say "OKAAAYYY!" because then I'd feel insecure or something. I'd be all "Man, can't you ad lib something like "AWESOME!" or "GREAT SHIT!"

Just Blaze: Just's ad libs aren't too ridiculous. He pretty much says his name, which I am fine with. For those people not familiar with his style or beats I suppose its a little self promotion, which never hurt anyone. (MIKE JONES, WHO?!) Then again, I am a Roc supporter and have always thought Just's beats and production were off the hook so maybe I'm missing some ridiculous shit he does.

Jazze Pha: Okay, Jazze used to be cool and chill in the background just doing his thing, but for some reason, when he started producing Ciara, he felt the need to start shouting out his name. Which is fine but it was in the played out E-40, Snoop Dogg way, too. "JAZZE PHIZZLE PRODUCSHIZZLE!!" Is that really necessary? Especially since people stopped using "izz" in the middle of random words like 2-3 years ago. And he's also all about talking to the people apparently "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!"

Swizz Beats: I been a fan of Swizz's production ever since he was the go to guy on production for Ruff Ryders. For several years though, he was a quiet producer, and I was cool with that. A little self promotion here and there is cool, but for some reason in the last few years he's obsessed with screaming out his name on a track. "SWIZZY!" He also apparently really thinks he's fucking awesome because he also calls himself "THA MONSTA!!!" I suppose that's somewhat accurate. Dude looks like a hella lanky spider. He also does this interesting very hyped up scream on the track that if it were a bit louder would freak me out and make me run for the hills. Fuck the women and children, I'm about NUMBER ONE, BABY!

Stay tuned for Part 3, where I talk about DJ ad-libs....

EWA100 - #25. LL Cool J - Rock The Bells

25. LL Cool J - Rock The Bells (Def Jam. 1985. From the LP Radio)

Raven Mack: My father was a small engine mechanic blessed with a seventh grade education. I grew up pretty smart in them schoolings, which always caused great internal tension for me, not because he hated on that shit, but because for most of the time, since I could do book reports but not pour a splash of gas into a riding mower's carburetor to trick it into starting, I always assumed my dad thought I was a homo, or destined to be a homo. This caused a lot of reckless behavior in my more immature years, trying to prove to him how non-gay I was, and probably to myself too, because with drunken him as my only father figure, reading books for leisure at like age sixteen made me question if I wasn't a fag. Seriously.
Luckily, I'm old enough now and content enough in the fact that man-love is not stimulating to me sexually that I know I'm not gay, at least not sexually. So I don't worry about that shit. Plus, my dad's dead too, because fortysomething year old hearts aren't inclined to handle weekend-long meth binges on the regular. But back then (when hot hoes didn't want me, making me question my homosexuality even more), I had to pay attention to a lot of stupid shit to not add fuel to my paranoia that pops thought I liked dicks. This means I didn't really rock much LL Cool J. Dude never wore a shirt and was always flaunting action figure abs, and bragging on his dick prowess, even kicking it that LL was short for "ladies love". If my dad thought I was a fag and I was dancing around my lavendar-walled bedroom with the myrrh incense burning to that type of shit, pops would've sent me to one of those Christian re-education camps. Actually, he wouldn't have, because we never went to church and also we were broke. So he would've kicked my ass.
I do understand, in retrospect, the awesomeness of LL's early works, especially that first album, which was probably one of the more pure hip hop outputs from Def Jam's early superstar marketing R-n-R (Russell and Rick) success stories. But to be honest, my favorite song off that record is "Dear Yvette", because it's such an obviously not gay song. Unless I pretend I'm a pre-op transsexual called Yvette while listening to it masturbating, which I did one time. But I didn't achieve orgasm, further proving I'm not actually gay, although if I was a pre-op tranny, that would mean I felt I was a woman, so if I felt I was a woman then thinking about men wouldn't be gay, would it? Hard to say. It's a fucked-up world with explanations for every stupid shit you can think of. I long for a simpler time like my dad grew up in where homos were homos and regular dudes were regular dudes. (Man, if my dad was still alive to see me writing retarded word patterns about the jungle music for overweight shut-ins and social malcontents to maybe catch a laugh off of, he'd totally start thinking I was a homo again, regardless of how many more kids I make to go with the three or four I've got already.)

Mike Dikk: When I was a little kid, I wanted to be LL Cool J so bad. He seemed like such a cool guy. My friend’s sister had a door size poster of him hanging up in here room. It’s the poster where he’s wearing all his TROOP gear, just standing there looking all bad ass. I think I liked him so much because he was the first rapper I heard that was really aggressive and straight forward. Unlike Raven, I never thought about the implications that by liking LL so much I may be a secret gay.
In all fairness, I’m pretty certain when I would stare longingly at that Door Sized poster, I didn’t even know what a gay was. My hazy self-timeline places me and my LL poster obsession around 7 or 8 years of age. I didn’t see my first soft core porn until I was at least 9, and that was most likely the first time I realized girls could be gay for each other, since every soft core porno has the obligatory girl on girl scene. I do remember that day vividly though. It was late at night on a Friday and my Mom wasn’t home yet because she was a bartender at the time. It started at 11:30 PM which seemed super late back then. The name of the movie was called “Learning To Fly” and it was one of those badly filmed euro soft core porns that Cinemax Late Night was so fond of. I remember I kept getting up to get drinks of water because I couldn’t control myself and my stubby little boner. The only scene I remember from “Learning to Fly” was some hairy dude fucking a girl in a pool.
So by 9, I knew that at least girls could like each other and kiss without instantly going to Hell. At that point, I still didn’t even know where the entrance to the vagina was. I thought it was somewhere in the bush section, and you would just lie on a girl flat and stick your penis in her bush and that was sex. It wasn’t until I was about 11 or 12 that I saw a for real porno, and my life was changed forever.
I also remember that day vividly. I was playing G.I. Joes with my friend Kenny. The same friend who’s sister had the LL Cool J poster. We were having a great time playing dolls in his living room while no one was home. Then he told me to hold on a second and he went into his Dad’s room. He came out with a video tape and put it in the VCR.. The first thing that popped on the screen was a dude fucking the stuffing out of this blonde girl outside on a picnic blanket. It was odd, because I remember there was a close up shot of her asshole and it appeared there was a bunch of saliva around it and I thought that was kind of gross. The most important thing I learned on that day was where the entrance to the vagina was, and sex had a lot more mechanics to it than I ever imagined. Sadly, once the tape was over, we didn’t feel like playing G.I. Joes anymore, and I don’t think we ever played G. I. Joes again.
I’d guess that sometime around then is when I learned dudes could be gay for each other. I’ve still never seen a gay porno. The closest thing would be when they’d have those commercials for those 900 numbers on the VHS before the actual porno movie started in the 90’s, and every once in a while, they’d sneak in an ad for a gay number as if you accidentally bought the wrong porn and you were really searching for gay stuff, but those ads would have a dude blowing another dude and I’d have to fast forward real quick as to escape the gay before I turned into a gay.
Now I’m old and I have gay friends just like your average forward thinking aging hipster, and I still believe you can only become gay by trickery. Like if you stare at two dudes blowing each other for long enough, you will become a gay, or even if you take too big of an interest in football, you will probably start getting unexplained boners in your pants anytime you hear Peyton Manning call an audible.
The only thing that keeps me from being gay is that everyday when I wake up, I tell myself that I should avoid doing anything gay today at all costs, and it usually works. I mean, sometimes when I’m watching wrestling, I slip up and find myself rubbing the crotch area of my jeans a little too suggestively, but don’t we all?
Anyway, I had a point somewhere in here. Oh yeah. Perhaps if I discovered LL Cool J when I was 13 or 14, I would have turned into a gay, but since I was only like 8, I’m in the clear, though now that I’ve fleshed out this whole scenario, I’ll never be able to listen to LL again.

Download: LL Cool J - Rock The Bells

Youtube is telling me there was no original video for "Rock The Bells". I'm kidn of surprised by that. There is virtually no interesting Youtube clips featuring LL Cool J, so here's a little interview with Def Jam artists (including LL) from 1986:


I'm a BAD! Mothafuckin DJ.

I feel like it's that time of the month where I appease all the leeches by posting up a bunch of music to download. This time around, I felt like sharing some of my DJ Shadow shit with the faceless internet. I'm not in the business of posting "official" easy to find releases, so here's a bunch of his secondary stuff.

In case you're somehow not familiar with DJ Shadow, he's this guy who came out with a record in 1996 solely comprised of samples, and it's one of the greatest records in the history of music. His last official record was "The Outsider", which despite having one of the best songs of all last year on it (David Banner's "Seein' Thangs"), it still kind of sucked. I don't really hold it against him, since he's provided me with enough stellar music that it can be easily overlooked. Enough of this. Here's the music.

Radio One Essential Mix 3/30/03

Taken from the UK's Radio One Essential Mix show with that famous British guy. Though this was never an official release, it's pretty common amongst DJ Shadow fans, so chances are you have this already. If you don't, you should definitely grab it if you're a fan of obscure 80's hip hop. This is hands down the best single mix of music I've ever heard in my life.
There was never a complete tracklist for this mix released, and back in '03 most people were clueless as to what the songs were, but since the rise of the Free Music blog, I'm sure there's a 15 year old in Norway who can tell you what half of this shit is. The mix clocks in at just around two hours and it's dope the whole way through.

Funky Skunk Mix

This mix came out a little before The Outsider was released. It was originally a bonus CD if you bought some limited edition Shepard Fairy OBEY T-Shirt, but it may have gotten a wider release since then. It's around an hour long and the first section proves that Shadow should have went with Southern Rap instead of Hyphy when it came to making his "artist departure" record. Outside of the Essential Mix, this is my favorite mix of his.

Endtroducing Sample Sources

I found this on Soulseek a while ago, but a quick Google search tells me this has also been on Torrent sites. It's a 36 track homemade compilation of some of the sample sources that went into making the classic "Endtroducing" record. The folder is broken down by songs so you can look like a scholar to your friends when you know exactly what track Shadow used that Meredith Monk song in. I am not providing you with a tracklist. You either want this or you don't. Don't be a pussy.

Brainfreeze Breaks

These are a good chunk of the tracks used to make the Brainfreeze project with Cut Chemist. The release info on this one is questionable. As you can find it on a lot of UK sites including Amazon, but I still think it's some kind of bootleg. There is supposed to be 26 tracks on here, but for some reason I only have 23. I checked and the last 3 on the "official" release are cut off. If you would like a tracklist, search "brainfreeze breaks" on Google. Your fingers aren't broken, asshole.

Miami Bass Mix 9/9/98

This was taken from another UK Radio show because the UK seemed to be on the up and up with DJ Shadow well before us dumb Americans. I got this from the old Cocaine Blunts message board, I think. It's good if you like Miami Bass or if you're throwing a party and you hope to seem some girls shake their asses hypnotically.

Megatroid Mix (Diplo vs. DJ Shadow)

This is a bunch of Diplo and DJ Shadow stuff mixed together. I would have assumed this is a bootleg, since given the talent and musical output involved, it kind of sucks, but I've seen it on a couple mail order sites. I don't know the person who made this mix, but they could have done better.

One Night in Bangkok

I neglect this mix the most. According to Wikipedia, the breathing enclyclopedia, only a portion of this is actually DJ Shadow. I knew this was a bootleg, but I never knew that part. Anyway, it's a live mix, and no one knows where it's from. The rumor is Thailand, but probably not. I'd say grab it if you're a completist, but if you're a completist, that would mean you would already have this.

Zimbabwe Legit - Shadow's Legitimate Mix

Back in the early 90's, there was some group named Zimbabwe Legit, and Shadow did this track on their record. This was a few years before Shadow was known (except I'm sure UK people knew who he was). Shadow's site says this record was re-released in 2005, but it's not like any of you are going to rush out to buy it, so here's the one track you would need off of it.

Live At Bonnaroo 6//16/07

This is so new! Here's Shadow's set from this year's Bonnaroo Corporate Hippie Festival. I don't understand that Bonnaroo shit man. It seems to be a lot of music hippies are into, but I've heard a lot of hippies aren't into Bonnaroo anymore because they are sellouts or something, but I mean, they're hippies in the 21st Century. It's not like they can take a time machine back to the 60's when the shit was poppin'.
Anyway, Shadow mixes all of his own stuff during this set. It's pretty cool. There's also a section with Lateef The Truth Speaker that I could have done without.

I was also going to post the Influx EP, but you can find that on Pre-Emptive Strike, and then I was going to post the Keane remix he did, but I didn't feel like ripping the vinyl, since I don't keep my stuff in order and have no real idea where it is. Enjoy bloodsuckers.


Hip Hop Ad Libs - Better than Comedy Central - Part 1

This is a topic that I've been thinking about for a while now, and more recently been talking to my boys about. Hip Hop ad libs straight up make me laugh out loud when I hear them. Initially you know, before I started really thinking about it, to me, they were just part of songs, right? I mean, they're usually sort of in the background, nothing you really think about, now and then they'll be a little louder and more obnoxious, so you can't help but notice them...but usually when you're cruising in your car, bumping some music, you just go along with it. I did too, hell. And yes, I do listen to obnoxiously loud hip hop turned up and like to drive through upper class neighborhoods, just to piss people off. Its awesome to do because people don't expect that shit, you should see the double take most uppity people do when they turn around and look at the driver of my car, expecting to see a young minority male, but see my ass instead. I'm breaking paradigms like Terry Tate, man. But that's beside the point.

Anyway. Recently I've been listening to ad libs and just laughing my ass off about them. When you take them out of context, they're just ridiculous sometimes. I'll break them down into three categories of who does them- rappers, producers, and DJs. Now obviously I'm not going to cover them ALL, but what to me are the most noticeable or frequent, and I'll just give a little commentary about each of them. I just want to know what the motivation is behind them, where do they come up with this shit?


Young Jeezy: His LAZY ASS "Heyyyyyyy" And "Yeaaahhhhh" have permeated the airwaves since 2005 on "Soul Survivor" (yes, I know he had albums before this, but no one knew who the fuck he was before then, so I start with his Lets Get It: Thug Motivation 101 album.) He sounds so fucking lazy when he says this shit, like he's laid out on his couch and is so lazy or tired or high that all he can do is muster up an unenthusiastic "Heyyyyyy" and "Yeahhhhh". What the hell?

50 Cent: When I first heard 50's first album in '99/'00, I REALLY liked "How to Rob". Every damned line in that song (plus with Madd Rapper, how can you go wrong with D. Dot??) made me say "OHHHHHHHH!!!!" all loud and cover my mouth and shit. "Thug Love" was my jam though, and still is. Keith Murray and Em kill that track. And I'll admit when I heard his next release in late 2002 (my brother copped the album before the release, yeah he bootlegged it, we're so Asian, blah blah blah) I thought 50 was the second coming. His mixtape shit was clever as hell, and despite the commercial shit on the album, I thought it was well done, well produced, just an all around good hip hop album with something for everyone...not to mention the beef with Ja made me all happy like a kid in a candy store. No joke. I hate Ja Rule with a burning passion. It was this album that I heard more of the rest of G-Unit, and I'm not even gonna lie, I thought his ad lib of "G-G-G-G-G-G-G-UNIT" was some seriously awesome shit. Of course later with the beef with The Game I thought it was clever for him to play off the ad lib and make it into "G-U Not" and since then I just don't think its as cool for some reason. As far as where he got it from, I haven't the faintest idea...except maybe he had a stutter at one point.

Tony Yayo: Okay Tony's semi-muted "HERE WE GO NOW" just cracks me the fuck up. I picture him in the studio, drinking a Rockstar, and then when his turn comes up to get on the mic, he jumps out his chair, and screams that out before starting his verse. He MAY even do a little G dance before he does it. EVERY time I hear him do that shit, I just laugh. Its so god damned enthusiastic, too. On "So Seductive" you can almost hear his voice crack when he does it, too. Hilarious. (Also, why are the whites of his eyes always SO GOD DAMNED WHITE?! Does he bleach those motherfuckers or what?)

Jadakiss: For Jada its less ridiculous than others, but you always hear his signature laugh/cackle, which I actually think is cool. Its such an arrogant asshole sort of laugh, and it just fits him perfectly. 'Course he always shouts out D-Block on almost every track, which is fine, he's just representin'.

Juelz Santana: I never paid much attention to Juelz despite everyone else and they mama thinking he was the shit. Wasn't till "What the Game's Been Missing" that I actually thought he was decent, his flows always seemed a bit off and juvenile to me, maybe that album should have been called "What MY Game's Been Missing" since it seems like that's when he finally got it together. Anyway, starting from this album I noticed that he'd do this shout that sounded like "Ay ay ay ay!" (I type it like that since he pronounces it like the "Ay" in "Ay, mami/papi" Now it sounds ridiculous, right, but for some reason he makes it cool. I can't even envision in my mind where he might have gotten this from except maybe those are the noises he makes when he's trying to holler at a girl and she keeps walking instead of stopping to talk to him.

Fabolous: Say what you will about Fabolous, but I've been on Loso's tip since "Ghetto Fabolous". His ad libs are kinda funny, but you obviously don't need to guess where he got them from. Early in his career he'd shout out the first four letters of his name "F-A-B-O!" and now more recently it seems like he shouts out the last four letters of his name..."L-O-S-O!" What's funny to me is that he butchered the spelling of the word fabulous to begin with, possibly on purpose, and then sort of changed the spelling on his own name even further.

To be Continued...


7-list: some shits I hate

#1: Van Halen reunion tour – makes me feel old because bands from when I was youth-filled are reuniting to snap up nostalgia dollars from motherfuckers; which also makes me feel stupid because I’m still a broke-ass piece of shit twenty-some years later who couldn’t afford to go to a stupid Van Halen show at whatever ridiculous ticket prices they’ll have to afford Eddie to get some new modernized color splatters on his flying W 9 string guitars; also, I had a brief spell there in my mid-twenties where I was living with cokeheads and we ran a turntable constantly so I dabbled fully in the understandment of true shit rock-n-roll from back then, and you know what? Van Halen kinda sucks on a whole; it’s rock-n-roll for like completely sober bookstore managers and dorky shitheads like that; although I have to say, it’s hard not to like David Lee Roth, who personifies the rock star stereotype, because, unlike those one hit wonders who chant “PARTY LIKE A ROCK STAR” seven thousand times in their song, Diamond Dave has probably had a ménage-a-trois that involved a non-human, which is fine by me, because if I was in that position and strange hot bitches wanted to fuck me every night, it would probably get boring and I’d like to see if I could get some low self-esteem chick to fellate a la mancha goat
#2: hip hop is dead meme – if you go by what’s on the radio, hip hop has always been dead, and always will be; cut the fuckin’ shit off because the radio is always gonna be stupid and not stupid in the way Schoolly D might’ve used it in 1988 while wearing a black t-shirt with white iron-on letters that said NO MORE ROCK AND ROLL
#3: impending 8 Diagrams hype – more like eight diaphragms for all the pussies that are gonna get fucked into thinking it’s gonna be some for-real classic Wu shit
#4: sad realizations while listening to classic rock station while working – you know, it’s one thing to know that the Dave Mathews Band sucks and it’s stupid for people to think they should drive around the country in their leased SUV pockmarked with “clever” bumper stickers and like four different peace frogs decals, but they played some song today which I think is called “Crash” because I think that is a popular song of his, and I realized when accidentally paying attention to the lyrics for the first time in my life, there’s probably fuckers on this earth who think that’s some awesome shit to be listening to while having sex; that made me really sad deep down in my soul, but also motivated me to try and make more kids than they make to eventually outnumber them, but my wife is already pregnant so I’m at least doing my part; unless you consider the fact I haven’t attempted to take in a second woman to impregnate as well, which I have, just didn’t feel like forcing the issue; the multiple wives thing is fine by me but I have a hard time when manifesting this situation underneath the new moon figuring out how to explain to all my kids they don’t have the same moms
#5: the Outlaw station on the stupid satellite radio machine beaming brainwashing into my truck – man, only once have I flipped to that station and it not been something fucking weak and womanly, and that was when I was telling my boy Brown how the station always sucked and tried to flip it there to prove it, and they were playing “Concrete and Barbed Wire” by Lucinda Williams (who by the way is playing near me next month, but I’m probably still gonna be a broke ass, and I’d want to go and hear her be awesome and raise hell and she’d probably be all moody looking at the ground and singing her sad heroin junkie-like laments that she’s been doing the past five years; she needs a good hard weekend-long simple-minded man fucking her methinks); most of the time on the outlaw satellite station (an obvious oxymoron), it’s stupid old country songs talking about beer but sounding like shit urban lesbians would play to appear cool and reverse open-minded, or it’s Shooter Jennings (who sounds like he’d want a good hard weekend-long simple-minded man fucking him)
#6: people who pretend Kelly Clarkson is hot – for real, I love a big ass better than most dudes, but she’s got some tiny tits, and usually big assed women are fully endowed into the archaic descriptive word “buxom”; I’m sure, this being the internet, there’s a whole sub-culture of dudes who love chicks with large wide asses and almost no breasts and there’s probably some acronym I don’t know the meaning of people use on craigslist to weed out people who are too square to not want to have a giant-assed woman force you to eat her anus by sitting upright during kama sutra woodcarving position 69 and then pinching her own tiny little nipples until she orgasms and then asking you to leave the hotel room you paid for
#7: I really wanted to get drunk tonight and listen to ZZ Top’s Tejas record but couldn’t – because I have no beer (other than the leftover Milwaukee’s Best Ice that came from I’m not sure where that’s been in the back of the fridge; but what am I gonna do with like five of those other than give myself a headache tomorrow morning and dehydration tomorrow afternoon in the stupid 100 degree weather) and also I left my Tejas record at someone else’s house in a giant milk crate full of all my great redneck hippie anthemic records; I need to get that shit back, and it needs to cool the fuck down so I can sit outside at the picnic table again with a speaker leaning out the kitchen window


Today is Madden day

As long as the store has copies when I get out of work (because I'm a dumbass who doesn't pre-order things), I will most likely be "busy" for the rest of the week. In the meantime, you can go over to When They Reminisce. Eric is doing this Top 25 Beats series that I participated (and wrote poorly) in. I should also mention that Operation: New Whiteboyz is still going strong, so if you think you have the guts to take part in our monthly 25, please get in touch. We will probably need the help this month, what with me playing Madden for the rest of the month and all.


Nas Was Right, Damnit! Case In Point: T-Pain

I'd like to preface this by saying: generally, I am not a radio listener. Meaning, I prefer to listen to old mix cds I made when I'm in the car (My car doesn't have a tape deck so I can't hook up my iPod that way, and I'm not all cool with the built-in iPod connection. Not to mention that no matter what anyone says, those FM things for the iPod suck major hairy man ass), or else random tracks on my iPod or iTunes depending on where I am. However lately in the car in the morning I have a tendency to listen to morning radio. Don't ask me why.

In any case, why is it, can someone tell me, that the artist you happen to hate the MOST right now is the one that you hear on EVERY god damned station? Now, I've been sorta ambivalent towards T-Pain for a while. Basically meaning that I've been trying to ignore him and most everything else out right now. But the other day when I was driving home from work and I was bored of all my mix cds, I tried to listen to the radio, and what happened? I changed to THREE different stations with three different formats and yet ALL THREE were playing T-Pain. As I refer to in the title - Nas was right. Hip Hop IS dead. When all the local "hip hop" stations are playing T-Pain's shit and calling it music, that's when you know the genre has suffered a serious blow to its vitality. But I digress. After howling with unbridled fury that T-Pain was stalking me via radio and I couldn't kick him in the balls, I sat there in my car, in rush hour traffic fuming about this. (Yes, this is the kind of shit I think about and get angry about. I know its dumb. Sue me.)

First of all, who the fuck out there is listening to T-Pain and thinking that's some good shit? I mean, let's be honest. Dude is a broke off new school version of Roger and Zapp. Before you get your panties in a bunch though, I really LIKED Roger and Zapp. When I used to kick it with my gangster homies in the barrio (Yes, I really did, stop laughing) we used to drink Presidente (Yeah, sometimes I drank Boone's Strawberry Hill instead, I'll admit) and listen to oldies and Roger and Zapp. "I Wanna Be Your Man" and "Computer Love" are STILL my jams. ANYWAY. Dude can't rap, and he can't sing, so what does he do? He falls back on the tried and true music industry trick - SYNTHS. Yes, synths. This is to mask the fact that he's got absolutely no talent. At least when Roger and Zapp did it, they did it with style, Roger didn't cover up the notes he couldn't hit with some fake ass synthesizers over his voice. And how did this guy get a god damned record deal to begin with? What the fuck is that about? All I know is, it must be nepotism in the record industry at its best because I've got way more talent than that guy and you don't see me with a record deal.

Second of all, the content of ALL his songs is shit. I mean, his first hit was "I'm Sprung". I have never even listened to that song in its entirety because the first minute of the song is shit. And all its about is how dude hooked up with a chick, she must've been good in the sack and then she ditched him and now he's all sad. Insert eye roll here. Second big single?
"I'm In Love WIth a Stripper". Before you fools try to jump up with accusing me of being a hater, stop right there. I love strippers. I do. And as a matter of fact, I really almost hate going to strip clubs. I can't sit back there like you dudes do, chillin' like it ain't no thing that this super hot bitch with a great ass is shaking it in my face. I wish I could. I am ALWAYS all excited and happy when the girls get up on stage and can really work it. I even clap for them and squeal like a retard. And then there's always this one hot stripper who either puts her ass in my face or makes out with me, and I'm immediately in "love". The kind of love that involves feelings in my pants, that is. Anyway. I don't hate on T-Pain for making a song called "I'm In Love With A Stripper" but it seems like all he can do is make songs about clubs and bitches. This doesn't quite compute in my brain because sure as hell before he made it big he wasn't picking up on bitches at the club. I mean look at him. The dude doesn't even TRY to be something better than he is, he can only make songs about clubs and bitches! Come on, "Buy You A Drank"??

Third of all, since when do hip hop artists think that they're so cool that they need motherfucking MASCOTS? Yes, mascots. In the "I'm In Love With a Stripper" remix video, you can see the T-Pain Bear.

Yes, he's got a mascot that's a bear. And...for you dumb shits out there, just in case there was any question who this bear was and why he's in this music video, on his STOMACH, the words: "T-Pain" are printed. Now, the closest thing I've seen to this is Kanye's college mascot, but the only appearance I've been aware of, of it was on the cover of his first album. And if I'm not mistaken, Kanye's the one wearing the costume. Its supposed to be SYMBOLISM. T-Pain just has a god damned mascot for pure self-aggrandizement. I ask you...WHY? Why would you think, if you were T-Pain, that you were SO awesome that you needed a mascot? Or maybe he has a low self esteem and has the bear follow him around to help pump him up? I mean, not even one of the cockiest sons of bitches in the game right now - 50 Cent, has a mascot. Dude's got a god damned water, but no mascot. One of the most commercially successful artists in the game, Jay Z? No mascot.

Nas, you truly are a prophet. Or you were talking about shit artists like T-Pain who there's no excuse for. And if I could talk to Nas, I'd ask him if he feels like punching babies when he hears artists like T-Pain actually making it and selling records. If someone knows why this dude has a record deal AND why he's apparently popular enough to be played on every god damned radio station at all hours of the day, holla.