Joe Piscopo & Eddie Murphy - Honeymooners Rap

(Pic stolen from Ebay)
(This definitely is not a part of the top 100 list. Just a download I wanted to throw up)

I just got this in the mail today. It's been a long time since I've heard it, but when I was a lot younger, I thought it was comedic gold. Probably because Eddie Murphy was at his comedy peak at that point, so you were tricked into thinking anything he did was funny. Regretably, it's not as funny as I thought it was back then, but it's still pretty interesting as far as novelty rappin' goes. Oh, you might hear a slight buzzing in the background during quiet parts (there really isn't any), because I didn't notice my makeshift grounding wire fell out of my turntable while I was ripping this. If for some reason you are a serious collecter of Bad, Old Celebrity Novelty Rap, get in touch and I will re-rip it.

Joe Piscopo & Eddie Murphy - Honeymooners Rap 12" (CBS. 1985)

1. Honeymooners Rap (Captain Video Version) 5:47
2. Honeymooners Rap (Album Version) 3:59
3. Honeymooners Rap (King of the Castle Version) 2:41

11 MB Here is where you would click...


EWA100 - #95. Juvenile - Ha

95. Juvenile - Ha (Cash Money. 1998. From the LP 400 Degreez)

Raven Mack: I remember seeing this video and wondering why this fifteen-year-old kid was standing on his car in a standard rap video decrepit alley and not really rhyming but just saying "Hunh" at the end of every line. It seemed stupid. But it got stuck in my brain, like stupid stuff does far too often. Unfortunately, most of Juvenile's artistic library morphs into one song in my head where the hook is "She git it from her mama, back that ass up, she git it from her mama, back that ass up," and then the verse is just lines about the awesome shit this girl can do with each line having "hunh" at the end of it so it rhymes.
Funny how time changes perception, because this song was annoying as fuck at one point, but when you lay it alongside snap and trap music's strip club greatest hits that the south is most known for in recent years, it makes "Ha" sound like lyrical brilliance. And to be fair, Mannie Fresh might be one of my favorite beatmakers ever, only behind DJ Premier and the Rap-a-Lot Bido and them other dudes production team. Oh yeah, and Pete Rock. Also, early RZA but pretend when his younger brother 4th Disciple started being awesome at the same time RZA started getting all bobby digital and lazy, just splice early RZA into 4th Disciple starting at that point, and I like that person better as a beatmaker. So Mannie Fresh is like fifth favorite for me, so long as I don't start thinking about this more.

Mike Dikk: Just like everyone else, I think my first reaction to this video was “Is that guy even saying words?”, but once I got over that, I realized how incredibly amazing the beat was. It’s so grimy, yet still danceable, which is a pretty hard thing to do.
Another reason why I loved this song was because the video came out when the average rap video cost about a million dollars to make, and the only expensive thing in the "Ha" video was the car rental. I’m still surprised they even bothered to play this during regular mainstream rap hours and it wasn’t relegated to BET late night, although I think that’s where it originally started out.
Once this song hit big, Mannie Fresh paraded out five thousand more hot beats and I thought it would never end. I mean everything about them was pretty simplistic, but it didn’t matter. That dude was a genius that could take the most remedial sounding noises and mold them into the most hedonistic ass-shaking symphonies mortal man has ever heard. For me, his genius lasted up until I went to buy Tha G Code the day it came out. I’m still not sure what went wrong with that record, but there was a whole lot of wrong going on. Still, with the long string of Mannie Fresh hit singles, "Ha" will always be my favorite. The beat is like listening to hot bubbling asphalt in melodic form. Anytime I hear it, I automatically think of awful, humid weather, but in a good way.
I doubt any other producer will ever duplicate the reign Mannie Fresh had. In my mind, it lasted about ten years, but I think in reality it was only around 8 months, but it damn sure was a glorious 8 months.

Download: Juvenile - Ha & Ha (Hot Boyz Remix). Sorry, The Jay-Z remix was too scratched up.

Watch the video:


EWA100 - #96. Master P - Bout It, Bout It II

96. Master P - Bout It Bout It II (No Limit/Priority. 1996. From The LP Ice Cream Man)

(Editor's Note: TRU's 'I'm Bout It Bout It' is basically the same song without the Mia X verse, so the TRU version also shares this spot, but I think the Master P/Mia X version is slightly more well known.)

Mike Dikk: This was probably Northern America’s first real introduction to Master P. I think his obnoxious Pen & Pixel ads in The Source and other various low grade Rap Magazines kind of predate this song, but this was his first real introduction nonetheless. From what I understand, this was basically a Southern Anthem for a while, but it was considered a novelty up north. We northerners still weren’t assimilated to hearing southern people rap, so this just sounded like gibberish back in the day. It was also a few years before No Limit "found" their own sound, so this is soaked in G-Funk, which we were all pretty fucking sick of by 1996. I don’t think the south had the internet yet, so no one bothered to tell them.
I’m not really sure what happened over the course of a few years to turn Master P from an example of rap comedy to some dude making 60 million dollars a year. I always admired him, because he seemed like a real smart dude businesswise who knew what to do to make money, but at the same time, seemed like a dude who should never, ever have that much money.
His business model was genius. Spending jack shit on production and mainstream advertising and churning out poor to mediocre tapes by dudes with ridiculous names every other week. That’s all it took! 60 million just like that! I guess he also invested a lot of the money in things like car dealerships and no budget straight to video "movies" that people who aren’t me apparently watched. Of course, he then went and spent his money on things like constructing a 4 million dollar solid gold bedroom for himself (which would later float away in Hurricane Katrina), starting up possibly the worst rapper related clothing line ever, designing a talking doll of himself, and making a real embarrassing attempt at becoming a pro basketball player. I still don’t know how that could account for losing that much money, but it happened somehow.
He was still a pioneer of sorts though. People to this day still try and duplicate the way he ran his label. Dipset is shining proof. They actually remade "Bout it Bout" with Master P a few years back. It wasn’t an improvement, but it wasn’t any worse either.
For what it’s worth, No Limit produced some great songs. Unfortunately, I’m not really going to prop up this song. I’d like to see Hamburglar spit over this and change all the "Bout it Bout it"s to "Robble Robbles" though. That’s basically what I imagine anytime I hear this song, which is really never anymore. I’m more of an “IT AIN’T MAH FAULT. DIDIDODAT??” type of guy. Oh, and I really wanted to become an honorary No Limit Soldier and buy one of those bootleg No Limit medallions that was going around all the county fairs and flea markets in the late '90s because one time I went to the grocery store and my bag boy was wearing one, and I thought if a Bag Boy was a No Limit Soldier, then I had a real good chance of becoming one too! Before I go, FREE C-MURDER! That dude has now been in jail longer than Master P’s rap career.

Raven Mack: I was living back in shitty Farmville, mired a little too far in the perfect small town hopelessness of the south again, and was away from the city I went to college for the first time in some time, so I was hanging with real-life actual black people again, and not just the type of black dudes who have ironic tattoos and love The Dwarves. So at this point, hearing "Bout It Bout It" for the first time, I loved it, even though the simple lyrical content and even simpler choice of words worked against the mental structure I had achieved in higher education (the average "above-average" mind cringes when it hears "shit" rhymed with "bitch"), the perfect simplicity rocked my inner-soul, because deep down inside, all of us just want to be gangstas.
And I thought C-Murder got out of jail, but then got murdered, and then after New Orleans sent all their felons to Houston after the hurricane, other people were getting murdered over C-Murder's murder, and Houston was pissed at how thuggish ruggish and bout it bout it these New Orleans transplants turned out to be. Motherfuckers murdering you kind of tends to ruin a good codeine buzz.

Download: Master P feat. Mia X - Bout It Bout It II

Here's the video for the original Bout It Bout. Also check out Dipset's Bout It Bout III (I was hoping to have this as a downloadable track too, but the CD is unavailable at the moment and I don't have it ripped on my hard drive anymore. You'll have to live.


EWA100 - #97. Blackalicious - Nowhere Fast

97. Blackalicious - Nowhere Fast (MCA/Quannum Projects. 2002. From the LP Blazing Arrow)

Raven Mack: I used to think Blackalicious was awesome and Gift of Gab was like this great lyrical innovator, and I played this song fairly often at this point in my life. I thought I was gonna see them one time at a big stupid hippie music festival, but Gift of Gab was in some sort of diabetic coma or some shit, so it was just the DJ dude spinning records instead, and that was enjoyable enough to build Blackalicious as even more awe-inducing, since I hadn't actually seen them.
Then last year, they played locally at the safe club (meaning it wouldn't be so thugged out that I would potentially be grazed by bullets), and I went to see Blackalicious. Of course, plenty of alcohol was filtered into my bloodstream, as it was with most of the others in attendance, and it was a Saturday night and I'm most likely was wearing some sort of Saturday night fresh customized football jersey, and it all meant extra-sensory stimulation as in LET'S ALL GET DRUNK AND BE HAPPY CRAZY ROCK-N-ROLL RAP FANS AND CELEBRATE THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE LIKE INTERCOURSE AND INSOBRIETY AND CALCULATED RECKLESSNESS!
And out comes Gift of Gab and Blackalicious, who's rapid-fire jazzy delivery, sometimes acapella, eventually gave me a raging headache and killed all sensual desires inside of my body. I realized that for me, the rap music has to be somewhat sensual, and Blackalicious is more like painful jazz music along the lines of Coltrane's crazier shit, which is great respectable music, but good lord, if you're looking to get loose, it will not help you get loose at all. If The Cosby Show had been made twenty years later, Blackalicious is the type of shit the kids would be lip-synching to bring a smile to Cliff and Claire's face on their anniversary night, including little Rudy pretending the scratching sounds were coming from her mouth so cutely and comedically. And then that fat white kid from next door would run through the family room and go hide in the clothes hamper in Cliff's room.
If someone would set up a Sunday afternoon, grown folks dress code, soul food buffet, and have Blackalicious play at that, I'd be all over it. It is a high society type of rap music, and I'm afraid I'm just not high society enough to always enjoy "Nowhere Fast" no matter how spot-on Gift of Gab's commentary can be, at least from what I can tell from the pieces I've picked out from his jazzy metaphysical linguistical jibber jabber.

Mike Dikk: I had a similar bad live experience with Blackalicious. I went to go see them a couple months ago at Skidmore College which is this rich boy type of college for very well off people. Needless to say, it was all young artsy types. Not the tight pants shotgun haircut hipsters Da Rill Hip Hop Internet Fans bitch about the most. More like the artsy type that would have been thrown in a garbage can on a daily basis in public school, but I doubt any of those kids saw the inside of a public school unless it was Bayside High and they were watching Saved By The Bell.
I didn’t care about that. I mean, they all seemed to be having A LOT of fun, and I’ve never had any idea what Blackalicious’ target audience was in the first place. The only reason I listened to them to begin with was because of Raven raving about them when ‘Blazing Arrow’ came out. I like the CD well enough, but live Blackalicious was a completely different beast from recorded Blackalicious. Gift of Gab does every song in a double time rap auctioneer style and it’s not even close to being good. I couldn’t understand any of it. I do admire that he could emulate the Micro Machines dude that long without passing out, but it definitely wasn’t pleasing to the ear.
About this particular song: I do like it a lot. Especially the end part about the procrastination, because it’s pretty fitting for me. Then again, I’m sure anyone who listens to it, related to it, since this is America, land of procrastination.
Even though this song was lowly ranked, I don’t know if it should have made the list. Not to dis my fellow EWA posse, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s because the live show just left a bad taste in my mouth, or maybe it’s because I’m a cranky bastard who thinks everything is wrong and horrible all the time.

Download: Blackalicious - Nowhere Fast

"Nowhere Fast" was never a single so there's no real video for it. Youtube didn't have any made up video for it either, but there is definitely no shortage of people doing real dumb shit set to Blackalicious. So much in fact, it was hard to pick the best one. I settled on some girl who made some sort of Teen Angst filled "Video Art Collage" set to a different Blackalicious song. If you don't like it, you can watch the video that came in second place, which features a white kid and an asian kid interpretive dancing to Avenged Sevenfold and Blackalicious in the backseat of a car.


EWA100 - #98. Luniz - I Got 5 On It

98. Da Luniz - I Got 5 On It (Noo Trybe/Virgin. 1995. From The LP Operation: Stackola)

Mike Dikk: For the longest time I thought The Luniz were from Florida. It turns out they’re from Oakland. Florida just strikes me as the type of place that would have this type of rap music floating around in a dark corner somewhere. I also think Do or Die and Poison Clan are from Florida. I think at least one of them are, but who cares really?
I have to tell you, I am a total sucker for rap songs where there’s a male crooner emotionally singing about something as ridiculous as throwing down five dollars to buy a dime bag of weed. Who the fuck buys dime bags of weed? More so, what kind of rapper with rap money, whether that rap money is real or fabricated is buying a dime bag? You can’t even fill a blunt with a dime bag. Plus, dude says “Let’s go half on a sack”, and usually a sack would be nothing less than a $20 bag. So not only is this dude (Who sounds like L.V. from that popular Coolio song) emotionally singing about purchasing marijuana, but he’s technically wrong about what he’s emotionally singing about. Ain’t that a bitch.
Who made this beat? Jesus Christ? What a beautiful work of minimalist audio art. It’s no wonder like 800 other people have tried to jack it. You can listen to this beat for around 13 days straight until it gets kind of tiring. I have never heard this entire record, let alone another Luniz song, but does it really matter? Was anything ever going to top this? I still hear people bumping this in their cars every now and then. Of course it could be one of the aforementioned “reworkings”, but I’d like to think it’s not.
There’s a lot of shit on this list that’s pretty obvious, and I’d like to think this is a pretty obvious song that you should know and listen to regularly, but I’ve heard that not everyone who listens to rap music smokes weed. I really don’t believe that, but if it is true, you should track down this song and treat yourself to a dime bag. You may have to go back to high school to find someone that actually sells those, probably somewhere outside of the back entrance of the school. Once you find that dime bag, you roll it up in a joint since it won’t be enough to roll in a blunt, but you can color the paper in with brown magic marker to simulate a blunt, and you smoke that god damn thing and listen to this song until you realize how awesome it was to be young and free of responsibility and STD’s in the summer of 1995.

Raven Mack: Summertime was made for ironic R&B singing and smoking weed. This song will stand the test of all times, even after society has crumbled and rebuilt three times over, and there are no more black and white people, just various shades of mulattos, all oppressed by space lieutenants with eggheads, and even though, the more intelligently sneaky of our mulatto descendents will sneak away from the slave camps, or at least hide out together behind a hatching pod facility in an abandoned storage module, and smoke leafy mind-altering substances and groove to this here song.
Hahaha, people listening to rap who don't smoke weed? Yeah right, maybe New Yorker contributors and born again "hip" Christian camp counselors who are down with whichever of those seven Baldwin brothers is the skateboard Jesus freak now, but not real life people. All real life people at least partially love either rap music or weedsmoke inhalations, and if you enjoy either one of them a lot, you are bound to eventually get involved with the other one as well. The repetitive mind-plucking sounds of hip hop beats are perfect for being stoned enough to put on headphones and over-analyze the crazy shit you hear. One time, I was stoned as shit, listening to DJ Quik on a shitty boombox, and trying to figure out how he made the guitar sample float in the air above my head. That takes some seriously mad science.

Download: Luniz - I Got 5 On It

Watch the video:


EWA100 - #99. Luke - I Wanna Rock

99. Luke - I Wanna Rock (Luke Records. 1992. From the LP I Got Shit On My Mind)

Raven Mack:
Luther Campbell was some sort of genius. Back when hip hop was nothing but a couple of types of music mostly geared towards record stores that weren't afraid to actually put the posters up advertising the records, Luke was like, "Yo, fuck that, let's make strip club music, and have a bunch of strippers dancing onstage with us, and doing strip club things." And of course it worked, because, you know, it was about and featuring almost naked ladies and that usually does work.
Luke will always make me think of ninth grade and this redneck dude named Ricky Rollendett or something like that I used to roll with, and he would walk around before classes and in between classes and after classes and sometimes during classes just sweating every girl he could sweat because dude was a stone cold pussy-hound, and he was cool, the type of redneck dude that was open-minded and would listen to rap music and would share his bottle of liquor with you if you shared your left-handed cigarette of marijuana with him. Ricky Rollendett or something like that would ALWAYS sing two songs - "We Want Some Pussy" by 2 Live Crew, and "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" by the Georgia Satellites. The first, from Florida, about having sex; and the second, from Georgia, about being forced into marriage for sex. Ricky Rollendett or whatever it was, in that little slice of my memory bank, exemplifies the conflict of the southern redneck at that point (mid to late '80s or so?) in American pop cultural history. I, for one, am glad that pioneers like Luke eventually introduced terms like "baby's mama" to the sometimes over-stifled from traditional values white underclass.
Oh yeah, this song. It's got classic repetitive catchy lyrics, like "Pop that pussy", over top one of those megahyped Florida beats (whatever happened to DJ Magic Mike?) that are perfect for jiggling ass to, if your mama gave you enough to jiggle, which hopefully she did, or else you might never be a baby's mama yourself. This, I guess, is the song that ended up representing, or reppin' as ebonical types might put it, the south Florida hip hop experience.

Mike Dikk:
There have been two times in my life when I thought Luke and the rest of the 2 Live Crew were cool. The first being when I was around 10 and they inspired that Explicit Lyrics sticker bullshit, because that instantly made ‘As Nasty As They Wanna Be’ the most sought after tape amongst any grade schooler I knew. The other time was when BET Uncut (Best Rap show ever not named YO! MTV Raps) first hit the airwaves, and the only named artists ever featured was always someone related to the 2 Live Crew.
Musically, I never got into Luke, because I’ve never been a stripper or really into strippers, especially when I was 10. Well, I liked the idea of strippers when I was 10, but no self respecting strip club would let a 10 year old enter their establishment. This song does have the “Pop That Pussy” chants and the “Doo Doo Brown” chants, which from what I can tell, is referring to the butt. Oh, also “Face down ass up, that’s the way we like to fuck!” I imagine most Luke songs have these phrases in them, and this wasn’t the one jackpot song that managed to fit all of them in, so you can probably close your eyes and pick a random Luke song and hear the same god damn thing.
It’s still cool that Luke ended up making the final cut though, since he kind of created a new genre of rap where you didn’t have to be that talented and all you needed to do was speed up normal hip hop beats and say “cock” and “titties” over them. Without Luke, Lil Jon wouldn’t be nearly as successful as he is and for that, we should all be thankful.

Download: Luke - I Wanna Rock

There isn't really a great Youtube video pertaining to "I Wanna Rock" (actually the Doo Doo Brown secret link is some kid dancing to the song.), so here's a video of a high school kid interviewing Luke after the 2 Live Crew finished playing New Edition in a charity basketball game. He brings up the point that the 2 Live Crew doesn't rap about having sex with corpses. No shit.


EWA100 - #100. U.G.K. - Front, Back, Side To Side

100. U.G.K. - Front, Back, Side To Side (Jive. 1994. From the LP Super Tight)

Mike Dikk:
It’s just my luck that the first song (well really, the hundredth song) on this list is a song I conceivably heard for the first time a few minutes ago. You see, the first time I consciously heard U.G.K was on Three 6 Mafia’s "Sippin on Some Syrup". There’s always a chance I heard them before that, but I don’t remember it. I do remember that U.G.K. has been a staple in The Source’s “Fat Tape” section since the beginning of time. Even before Southern Rap was regularly talked about in daily life. The Source would always have some token popular regional group in their Fat Tape section to appeal to a demographic they may not be covering all that much. It’s the same reason they’d give up some space to Midwestern horrorcore every other year before Eminem hit the scene.
I never got around to checking out U.G.K. because I only had so much money back in those days to check out under-advertised and poorly-distributed hip hop (To be fair, I just did a fact check and it turns out this was on Jive, so they weren’t really poorly distributed. Whoda thunk?). It’s safe to say a lot of people never got around to checking out until the early 00’s when they began making guest appearances on other rappers songs. Specifically, Jay Z’s "Big Pimpin’". Oddly enough, they still owe most of their fame to Pimp C getting locked up, thus turning Bun B’s “Free Pimp C” slogan into the hip hop world’s version of “Where’s The Beef?” for a good year or so.
What I’m getting at is that you shouldn’t hold it against me if I’ve never heard this song prior to today. I still won’t fully admit that I’ve never heard it though, because it sounds like something I should have heard at some point in my life, but I have no concrete proof of that.
It could just be that this was released (1994) well before the Southern Rap sound that we all know and love today wasn’t fully developed yet. 1994 was a banner year in west coast gangsta rap, and that’s what this really sounds like. Even going as far as using the “plink-plink” noise Dre used in Eazy-E’s “Boyz N Tha Hood”. If you told me this was an Above The Law or a Compton’s Most Wanted song, I’d have no reason not to believe you.
Unfortunately, I will never know what it was like to be a hostile youth in the big ol’ state of Texas in the early to mid 90’s, so I couldn’t tell you if this song holds any cultural or historical significance to someone who WAS actually a hostile youth from Texas. I’d imagine it was pretty popular for the time, or at least I’d hope it was, because I wouldn’t want this list to lose all of it’s credibility before you get to the end and find out no Jay-Z songs made the final cut. Oops!

Raven Mack:
I've listened to a lot of DJ Screw in recent years, so I know of this U.G.K. Plus, when gangsta movies were in vogue, and that Menace II Society movie came out, I got the soundtrack on poly-cassette like we used to do back then before robots ruled the roost, and the best song on that tape was "Pocket Full of Stones" by this here U.G.K. They had a slow, drawled out rhyme style and laid back bass-happy beat, and it was something that sounded way better to me than other stuff on that tape, like Guru on some cut with some group called The Cutthroats doing Onyx's aneurysm-style. I was growing into adulthood, and this was a key point, this tape, even though I didn't know it at the time, but looking back I can see... I was ready to be laid back, and Onyx was far from laid back, and Onyx was a shining jewel in NYC's hip hop crown at that point. And here's this weird U.G.K. with the drawl and perfect riding-in-your-car bass, and it made sense to me.
"Front, Back, Side to Side" is a fine song, but it is nothing, for me, compared to "Pocket Full of Stones". Also, now that Pimp C is free, he seems to get far less coverage in the regular white people media. If I was him, I would make about seven albums as fast as possible, then violate my parole in headline-setting fashion.

Download: U.G.K - Front, Back, Side To Side

Youtube video for the crappy T.I. Remake of the same song.

Expert Whiteboy Analysis 100 - The Introductions

Pre-Introduction Introduction:

This is the introduction to the top 100 Hip Hop Jamz list me and the dude Raven Mack along with our crack team of Rapologists have been working on for like six months. If everything goes smoothly and we keep our writing game up, there should be at least a couple updates every week. Number 100 should be posted within the next 24 hours. This will also see some sort of print form at one time or another, and I'll drop info on how you can get that once it happens. Comments and disagreements are welcome and appreicated.


Raven Mack:
I am Raven Mack, but you know that. This here idiotic project was born from the completely marketable and perfectly awesome phrase EXPERT WHITEBOY ANALYSIS, which me and Mike Dikk created all by ourselves with no help from any black dudes, because me and Mike, both being white guys who get into hip hop a whole lot, recognize the inherent hilarity of white dudes try to out unwhite each other when it comes to be tru to the hip hop.
This comedy is now expressed on the telebisions too, as there's some ultra-real reality show about white rappers on some white-ass cable channel, where white rappers are forced to eat hot wings in the Bronx and write their names on subways discreetly and show and prove just how tru they really are. I think this is an MC Serch project, and he is the go-between, the ultra-down non-whitest of white rappers who is taking these rounded-up aspiring white rappers to hold their hand on a little walk through the ghetto birthplace of tha rill shit. I do not care much for that MC Serch, mostly because I remember some interview a long time back, probably in The Source, where he said he'd never sign a white rapper unless the rapper was better than him. That's some funny shit, because to me, Serch was the comical goofy-assed half of 3rd Bass, with his stupid Kid-n-Play hair and algebra teacher glasses. Pete Nice was a guy who was not afraid to be his white self and still pimp a nice suit and throw down a nice rhyme, without reverse step-n-fetchin' for the hip hop audience, which ironically enough is mostly white.
Well, anyways, apparently this Sage Francis rapper made a long-winded and ultimately right-on response about how full of shit MC Serch was for thinking one was not allowed to be a white rapper without having licked black assholes in dingy alleys or rocking shit that black people who will never go to college will respect. (That is a tricky thing for the white person who is ultimately down with hip hop, because approval from college-educated black people is not true approval of black people, because higher education is a white-owned industry, and thus not tha rill shit.) Sage made some good points, except I also hate him too because he is one of those academic termpaper rappers who will rhythmically explain the Illuminati diametrics of psycho-social oppression IN EVERY FUCKIN' SONG HE WRITES! This goes over big on college campuses, but with white kids who like green bumper stickers during election years as opposed to the standard blue or red ones, and not with black kids in college, who again, are not real black people, at least not according to the white dude who's into hip hop mindframe.
I know this can be confusing, so let me just slow it down and explain my background with hip hop and how I'm more tru than everybody else who is white and down with it. I have always loved hip hop, from whenever I finally got around to getting into it, which was probably around the Rock Box era. My school was shut down in massive resistance back in the '60s, where black folks couldn't go to school, so my school was mad racial conscious, but all quiet-like about it. There was a private school that only allowed white people until I was in 10th grade, but I was always a public school fool, mostly because I came from a broke-ass family (SEE! That makes me more down, too, because tha rill shit is always made by broke asses.), but I played little league baseball at that private school because that was the only little league. My best friend was a black kid named Sterling (SEE!) back then, so much so teachers would call us by each other's name all the time by accident (AGAIN!), and he couldn't even play little league ball until we were both 10 when a second league started up, that actually allowed black kids to join, ironically enough called the Dixie Youth League. You being a modern person of naive thoughts might think this was like 1969 or some shit during civil rights stuff, but no... it was 1983. My schoolbus was nothing but black kids, with only five white kids on it, two of them being my younger sisters, and the other two being two fat chicks who lived down by the creek. So you see, I am more down than you could ever imagine, because I was around black people, and according to the hardcore MC Serch ultra-down philosophy, that makes me hip and acceptable.
Wait, there's a second aspect to being acceptable... I also have to be ashamed. There's this movie called Whiteboyz by chump-ass Danny Hoch where Danny Hoch the Brooklyn Jewish actor-comedian decides a great thing for him to do would be make a movie about how dumb he thinks white people from Iowa would be, using played-out midwest stereotypes to show how terrible wannabe gangsta rappers from Iowa are about using played-out stereotypes. At the end of the movie, the stupid wannabe gangsta rapper goes to Chicago and makes a fool of himself acting in a way he thinks makes him black, so he goes back home to community college and stops rhyming and starts writing poetry about how fucked-up white people are for oppressing other cultures. He has now transmogrified into an acceptable white dude, because he hates white dudes. And this is why I hate MC Serch and Sage Francis, as well as most of what other white people like in hip hop, which I usually determine using played-out stereotypes of white people.
This is called EXPERT WHITEBOY ANALYSIS, where me and Mike got four others dudes to sort of group compile the ultimate list of the greatest ever 100 Rap Jamz ever, except we could probably do this right now again and it would be completely different. We could do it a hundred times and probably have about forty songs that were on every list and that would probably be a better ultimate list, but that would take too long and really me and Mike are just using this as an excuse to write long-winded rants about stupid shit and talk about how awesome we think some things are, to try and trick you into thinking it's awesome as well. But each word of the EXPERT WHITEBOY ANALYSIS label has important meaning. So allow me to break it down, word by word...
EXPERT - used, because like I showed up above, every white dude who is into hip hop thinks he is the ultimate street professor of what the realest hip hop possibly could be. We are no exceptions, nor are the other people who made up our panel of six, although two of the panel were black dudes, though I think they're both college-educated black people, which means they're not real black people.
WHITEBOY - used because, in my experience, when black dudes want to refer to you in a friendly but distant way when they know you, they can't say "nigga" because, well, you're not black. It seems that "whiteboy" is a good replacement term. I have heard this often, where black sheetrock dudes who have their cousin come ask me and my boss for a job painting are overheard on the other side of the house saying, "Them whiteboys ain't gonna hire him," and this older black dude I used to work with and hang out with sometimes because he had marijuana and marijuana will make good friends of disparate individuals, he would introduce me to his "homies" (a term black people use for their friends) as a "whiteboy" he worked with. This would trigger understanding in them, I was white, which was obvious, but I was also okay, to an extent, because I wasn't a white man, which is mentally connected to The Man usually, but a whiteboy, which I guess means I'm cool but I could also grow into being a white man easily enough eventually, if I wanted to.
ANALYSIS - used because this list was worked on inside the internets, and the internets are well-known for their over-analysis of stupid shit, which is what makes people think it's some sort of information super-highway when actually it's just a bunch of ignorant shit presented in a nice, easy to read way that makes it seems like someone must be making perfect sense.
So there's your introduction to this list of the 100 grandest rapping compositions, and I hope you will find some new music that is old that moves you from reading this. And I also hope you will realize how much I know about rap music and how because of that, I am a more perfect form of modern white man... err... I mean whiteboy.

Mike Dikk:
Although Raven and I joined forces for the same common goal, my motivation was slightly different. The term “Expert Whiteboy Analysis” to me is as much of a dig on ourselves as it is to all the other nerds out there that would never dare to be self-deprecating enough to say such a thing.
To put it bluntly, the internet has ruined everything. Don’t get me wrong, it’s done a lot of good. Possibly more good than bad, but the bad it has done is irreversible and kinda stings. The internet has managed to globalize everything you’ve ever loved while making it easily accessible to anyone who wants to put an ounce of effort into finding it. I’m glad people from all over can share the same fond memories of things I feel the same way about, but at the same time, the internet has globalized popular opinion to the point where people accept it as bible truth.
Up until last year, Hip-Hop was the biggest form of music out there, so a lot of Self Appointed Rap Scholars were borne out of it. Now I’m sure a lot of them are genuine, but a lot more are just some kids who read Ego Trip’s Book Of Rap Lists (Which I finally read for the first time a couple months ago, and I’m glad I finally did) and surfed the web for around a month then decided The Clipse were the best shit ever and that’s that. That’s the kind of Expert Whiteboy Analysis I fucking hate. I don’t need some smarmy assholes telling me what’s the haps on some kind of music I’ve been listening to since I was six.
That’s what’s wrong with white people, well one of the things at least. They discover something then feel the need to puff up their chests about it and prove to other white people that they know the most about that given thing. It’s annoying beyond belief and the internet has magnified it a million fold. It’s a well known fact that white people don’t have soul, and if you connect a white person to the soulless internet it’s like you have this crazy Voltron sized soul sucking cyborg monster that’s waving his giant robot dick around and pissing on everything you hold dear until you’re forced to turn your back on it because you don’t want to be wading around in robot piss trying to piece things back together.
I may not be right all of the time, but I hate being told I’m wrong by some anonymous machine. I don’t mean on actual science facts, I mean my own opinions. Where I grew up, people weren’t feeling Public Enemy after “Fear of a Black Planet”, but the Expert Whiteboy Internet Propaganda Machine will tell you different. They will tell you “Critical Beatdown” was the best LP from that era, but none of my real life flesh and blood friends from back then owned that record. It’s not like their opinions are any less valid than mine, but it’s like they’re trying to beat them into everyone on the internet so younger kids will grow up to think all of the same shit and never bother to discover things on their own because they don’t need to. It’s all fucked up, and this may not be the best top 100 list made for the Hip Hop Records, but I think it’s one of the most genuine, because it was made by people who actually love music, and for the most part, are as old as hip hop itself.
This is a list, so no doubt people will read it and think we are assholes, because that’s why lists are made. The list makers brag and the readers call bullshit. I’m not going to throw a titty attack if you don’t agree with it, because there’s a lot of parts I don’t agree with, but I feel good knowing the people who helped create it stand by their choices and aren’t a bunch of little ankle biters who just got into rap music once Aesop Rock hit their dorms. No offense to Aesop Rock, I just really don’t know who the current rapper that is getting college bros into hip hop is these days. Maybe it’s Atmosphere? Who the Hell cares.

Since Raven shared his real life Hard Knock Life back story with you, I figure I should do the same so I’m not fakin’ the funk. Usually this isn’t something I would do because people like to call bullshit on stuff like this, and I normally don’t feel the need to explain my real life or music background to nameless faces, but I’m trying to do this thing on the up and up so I can become famous like every other douche on the internet.
I grew up in a very unsavory part of Connecticut called Bridgeport. I know it’s hard to believe there are unsavory parts of Connecticut, but there is. There was a black kid (Tha rill shit) that lived across the street from me named Kenny. He was a bit older but he quickly became my best friend.
At that time, Rap was slowly infiltrating MTV and the radio. You would see all those old videos like ‘Rapper’s Delight’, ‘The Message’ & ‘Walk This Way’, but there wasn’t ‘YO! MTV Raps’ or anything yet. I thought that stuff was cool, but it’s not like I became obsessed overnight.
Kenny had a lot of older brothers and sisters, and one of them was some sort of a DJ, so he had a lot of records that I would have never gotten a chance to hear on MTV or the radio. Kenny would always play them for me, and the first one I got really into was Funkmaster Wizard Wiz’s “Bellvue Patient”. It’s not a classic by any means, but it’s straight up potty humor and 6 or 7 year old me thought it was the most brilliant music ever made. Who knew you could talk about shitty diapers and getting your dick stuck in an elevator on a record?!?! Now think about that. He could have easily played me some Dr. Dimento type shit and I would have grown up to be some kind of fat creep living in my mom’s basement listening to John Valby bootlegs, but luckily that “Bellvue Patient” stuck with me.
Shortly after, I heard the ‘The Show/La Di Da Di’ 12” and that was that. Once we got old enough to go to the store and buy stuff, Kenny and I would buy any tape that sounded good and we’d do all the dumb shit kids do together, like play the records and record ourselves talking over them like radio DJs, and making pause tapes or writing our own horrible raps to rap over instrumentals.
The whole me being a whiteboy thing kind of went over my head. Like, I knew we obviously looked different, but I was so young it never dawned on me that I was supposed to be listening to heavy metal or whatever, since I grew up in an area where everyone listened to rap music. So until I was about ten, I thought it was normal whiteboy behavior. Then I kind of discovered I was a bit weird for liking what I liked, but I didn’t really care.
Honestly, I’ve always been kind of bummed out that it took me until around the age of 15 or 16 to really get into other music besides rap. I don’t really regret it, but I love music. Not just rap, so I feel I missed out on a lot. This isn’t the Wonder Years though, so I think this is enough information for the anonymous reader to digest so they can feel comfortable with me telling them what’s what with the hip hop music.

Before you go onto the actual weird-ass list, and this is completely sincere and 100% no bullshit, I’d like to thank the following people, things and their music for helping me love Hip Hop like it was a woman with soft enormous breasts: Funk Master Wizard Wiz, Kenny Perry and his family wherever they may be these days, Slick Rick & Doug E. Fresh, My Mom for never telling me I was a weirdo for wanting to listen to rap, The Skinny Boys, The Source Magazine before it went to shit. Rap Pages in all it’s typo’d glory, EPMD & Stezo, Wu-Tang Clan, Ultramagnetic and Kool Keith, and most definitely Prince Paul.

Download: Funkmaster Wizard Wiz - Bellvue Patient


White Rapper Show Power Rankings

I was going to do this after the first episode last week, but I figured I'd let the show "flesh out" the characters more. Basically this is a fancy way of me guessing who is going to win. I feel like a 45 year old housewife guessing who is going to win a reality show, but this is the number one reasons blogs were created, so eat it.

1. Sullee aka Young Heff: He's pretty normal looking and he's competent at the rapping, which will probably be enough to win the entire thing. Just about everyone else on the show fits into some horrible white rapper stereotype, so he has that going for him.

2. Shamrock: Southern Rap is big right now, and he hasn't gotten a chance to make a fool of himself yet, but I imagine at some point there will be some kind of reality show shenanigans that will work against him.

3. Jon Boy: Like Sullee, he doesn't really have a strong gimmick, but it works against him, because he's pretty plain. He's from Nowhere Special Virginia and just looks like some regular dude with a misshapen head too big for his body.

4. John Brown: He's the shows heel, so it could easily come down to him and someone else, but I don't see him winning the whole thing. His eyes are too close together. He also seems to be at least half retarded, but I suspect a lot of that has to do with editing, since he's not completely horrible at rapping.

5. Persia: She would probably win if it was a contest for a record contract, but it's for $100,000, and if reality shows have taught me anything, it's that gross fat people never come out on top.

6. 100 Proof: He actually pulls off his Kid Rock gimmick pretty well, and he doesn't completely suck at music so he'll probably have the most success after the show ends, because he has the ready made Hot Topic Twizted style fanbase waiting in the wings. I doubt he'd actually win though.

7. Jus Rhyme: I'm really surprised they found a White Guilt Rapper stereotype to compete in this. I don't hate this guy personally, because I don't know him, but I hate the stereotype and personality more than any other stereotype/personality on the show.

8. G-Child: My personal favorite cast member, but she doesn't stand a chance. She has a similar gimmick to someone else on the show with far less talent.

Already Eliminated:
Week One: Dasit
Week Two: Misfit

When I do his next week, I'll actually rank them based on how the show is going and not on my personal opinions, which probably won't differ much, but the little synopsis' will have some more meat to them at least.


Death List Five demos review

[Knifey-Spoony Records]

I recieved these demos a couple hours before I left town for Xmas and forgot about them until I cleaned my room and found them the other day. So, 'Oops, My Bad!' on that one. Then I had to wait until I got to work to listen to them because the tops of the CDs are fucking spraypainted, badly I may add, and I didn't want to risk damaging my own computer. It's unfortunate that over the past few years, the term "D.I.Y" has become another way to say "Shitty Quality" and there's no reason for that, since we're living in the god damn 21st century where basically everything is virtually free over the internet and you don't need to do things like spraypaint your CDRs and get them all runny and shitty to the point where the paint drips onto the other side of the CD.

Luckily, the CDs actually played. Death List Five do a two piece thrash/hardcore punk thing. These kids look young, so I'm not going to bust balls too hard. The recordings are kind of terrible. On the first demo, the guitar sounds like shit, or more affectionately, like a bag of angry bees covered in shit. On the second demo, the guitar sounds ok, but the drums sound...um...hilarious.

On a more positive note, there's at least a notable progression in songwriting on the second demo, so they're at least getting better with experience. Some peoples can't even do that. They'd benefit from a better recording since they're only a two piece and they need some kind of kick in the ass to fill out their sound. Thrash is supposed to be frantic and angry, and the recordings don't do thrash justice. Then again, the fanbase for this type of music really doesn't give a shit about sound quality, so maybe I'm being too critical.

All in all, I'm sure these kids are better in a live setting where one doesn't have to worry about drippy spraypaint demos and non existent lyric sheets and what not.

Death List Five on Myspace


Dumpin Mix

This was made for a mixtape (CD, whatever) grab bag. It was made last minute and I really just wanted to see what I could and couldn't do with Audacity. Everything on here was ripped from vinyl, so if for some crazy reason you want the whole version of something, leave a comment, and I'll try and rip it post haste.

The mix itself is pretty goofy, so don't expect something you can shake your ass to. Actually, you can shake your ass to this. Fuck that. I'm not going to provide a full tracklist, but some of the highlights are Rappin Rodney, "Classy Freddie Blassie doing the Johnny Cashesque "U.S. Male", Junkyard Dog's "Grab Them Cakes", the legendary Blowfly, Full Force with a cameo by Lisa Lisa, the most outrageous Sista Souljah song ever, Star Wars disco, Andy Gibb crooning a disco love ballad about trash, christian propaganda, Sammy Hagar and his Over The Top theme song, some more fight rock and a whole lot more.

This is one continuous track, so you have to suffer through the whole thing. If you're putting this on your ipod, I suggest lowering the master volume because I recorded it kind of high. Enjoy.

The track is an hour and eleven minutes and about 65 MB

Dumpin Mix '07


Some Mixes

The PSY/OPSogist from Solaris Earth Pipeline, whom I reviewed a while back, put together one of them there hip hop mixes. It kind of runs the gamut of the rap from Outkast to Eric B and Clouddead and whatever in between. It's pretty good and a great way to kill an hour and 18 minutes.

C.O.D. Mix by The PSY/OPSogist

There's a podcast called Mad Decent Worldwide by that dude Diplo of Hollertronix and M.I.A fame. The 9th installment has a great Halloween (I know it's kind of late) mix by some guy named d-128. This guy covers a lot of ground. Three Six Mafia, Blackula, Altered Beast, Smashing Pumpkins, Shai (!!!) and much much more. Definitely check it out, and if you have itunes, go to the itunes store and search for the Mad Decent worldwide podcast for more eclectic mixes.

Mad Decent Worldwide #9

A mix I made should be coming up later on today.


New Year's Download Bonanza

Happy New Year fuckers. If you haven't heard yet, and you probably have, because I doubt my blog is the first thing on anyone's bookmark list, Madlib & Talib Kweli just released a free 9 song CD called "Liberation". Thanks to Rap Cats, you can download it your damn self.

Click here to start the download.

I also uploaded the entire Madlib "Mind Fusion" collection, in case anyone out there is interested.

Madlib - Mind Fusion vol. 1 through vol. 3

Madlib - Mind Fusion vol. 4 & 5

This New Year, I resolve to actually update this blog every once in a while, with vinyl rips, actual music reviews, more Three Six Mafia Project and the god damn 100 Hip Hop Jamz Project that has been in limbo for a few months now. Stay tuned, I guess. Or don't. Whatever.