Shining White Revue #3

This is the column where I give my boy Jay three songs to review without telling him what they are and he gives his NO HOLDS BARRED opinion on them. Also, Jay knows around 3% of what the common internet rap nerd knows about hip hop, which makes the whole thing interesting to me. -- Mike Dikk

Song 1: Nas - Surviving The Times

Jay Pud: The opening of this reminds me of sitting in a shitty diner drinking coffee after a long night of drinking. I think it’s because it reminds me of that stupid “Beautiful World” song that my wife tells me I’m supposed to love because it’s pretty and the world is supposedly a place where flowers grow without dirt. The flow (can I use the word flow? I feel like a cockstain) is pretty good, I guess, but he just rhymed invincible and miracle, which even I have heard a million times. This is good, but it’s boring. It’s not as good as “Back in the Day” by Kareem, or whoever the fuck sung that. That song told me about back in the day but wasn’t boring. Also, I can kind of imagine Puma with the fat laces over Gucci. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a rapper not on TV wearing Gucci. That’s unfair, because I’ve never seen anyone wearing Gucci at all, and I’ve never seen a real rapper. Only the kinda gay kinds that try to give me a cd at my gas station job and have some guy named Je$u$ listed as their producer. People who do bad stuff (and I’m only assuming he’s talking about doing bad stuff because it’s hard to listen to his lyrics while I’m writing this) wear sweatpants and South Pole bubble jackets. Actually, upon another listening, I’m unsure as to whether he was wearing Gucci or some girl was. I think he got some Gucci and then Gucci power got him a record deal or something. And then he didn’t do bad stuff, but got famous or something. This song is giving me a headache. I’m done trying to figure it out.

Song 2: Pete Rock 'Til I Retire

Jay Pud: Haha. “I’m a gay and I return.” (This is what Jay thought Pete Rock was saying -- Mike) And he’s gonna bring the fire. His name is apparently Pete-Rock, and that sounds like someone who was a “famous rapper” in the 80’s, so I’m guessing that this dude is like 50, and so I’m giving him a crappy lyrics pass because he doesn’t know any better. Do you know why the government will never “be busted?” This may sound like a shitty ebonics joke, but I assure you it’s not, because while I can sort of write in English, I can’t really speak it. Anyways, the reason is, if your case is “I always hate to see a black man in jail,” I assure you that the fucking high up white powers won’t give much of a shit about what you have to say. I hate to see hot chicks not blowing me. That’s all I’m trying to say. If I could talk to lady justice I’d definitely bring that up with her. Why the fuck does every other song I listen to talk about how they are either A) going to bring hip hop back to life, B) worried about whether or not hip hop is dead, or C) insisting that hip hop is still alive. Just because Nas has a stupid album title isn’t necessarily a call for crappy rappers to get into the fight. Or maybe it is, but maybe they should just stop talking about it and do it. This song sucks. I’m trying not to hate…I really am. If this song is by your hero or favorite rapper, I am sorry for being a curmudgeon. Hopefully the next song will be good. This song is not, though

Song 3: Cunninlynguists feat. Phonte & Witchdoctor - Yellow Lines

Jay Pud: Seriously? See, now I’m beginning to think that Mike is purposely trying to make me seem super white and all “I don’t understand.” This is black chick music. And trust me, you name a race, archetype, fucking stereotype, class, anything that you have, and I can peg their music because I work at a gas station and I know what people listen to in their cars. Or this is a black dude trying to get pussy song, and I know those when I hear them coming down the street because my ears perk up and I smell money. No man or woman alive is a better tipper than a black man trying to get pussy, at least around my block. Is that stereotyping? Probably, but not hatefully. White dudes who are into rap who are trying to get pussy always have the radio on, (Hot97, or maybe some hits station) because white chicks dig the radio. I think black chicks win out on that battle, because if I was a girl I’d much rather some dude try to lay it on me all smooth like with something like this then the Superman song. Either way, I can’t imagine that anyone not trying to sleep with a black chick would listen to this.