FALL CLASSIC - call for combatants

Me and Mike are always brainstorming ideas about how to involve you - the average fool wasting your life trapped inside internetz - within this blog. I will install AOL instant messenger, and we’ll coordinate gravity bong hits at our respective homes, and then chat about things we can do to make this blog (and previously the other xpertwhiteboyz one as well) more interesting, entertaining, and attention-ensnaring to the attention deficit disorder world we all live up on the top of.
Here is our latest motherfucking idea, that will sink or swim depending upon the outside involvement of other people. We call it the DUMPIN.NET MIXTAPE CHALLENGE FALL CLASSIC, thinking that if it goes over well, we might be able to do it again in the spring, and if it goes over but not awesomely well, we could do it again next fall and try it again, and if nobody responds to this post at all, then fuck it, congratulations internet for pissing on another stupid idea’s spark before it even had half a chance to catch fire.
So here’s the deal... we are taking emails for involvement (either at mikedikk at the gmails dot com or ravenmack at the gmails dot com) to be up in this piece. It will work like so... 16 chosen individuals (and there’s a good chance me and mike will be up in the mix) will be broken down into four groups of four, who will all make a 25 to 30 minute megamix of whatever theme they want. This mix can be hip hop basically, or not hip hop at all, it can be theme-related, you can rar together rare mp3s or you can make a continuous mix in audacity or protools or whatever the fuck you want. Shit, you can make your own beats and rhyme over them or play guitar by a bonfire while a 4-track records that shit. But for the first round, rules are keep it between 25 to 30 minutes. All four folks for each of the first round four-fool battles will upload their shit, and basically moving on will work like this. Me and Mike will rank those shits one through four (on each list 1st gets 3 pts, 2nd gets 2 pts, and 3rd gets 1 pt, with 4th being zero). Me and Mike will upload the four mixes to internet file sharing devices (meaning Mike since I’m still on internet welfare), and we’ll make a post laying out our views on the mixes and our rankings. A poll will go up where the rest of the world gets to vote for whatever mix (or mixes, you can vote multiple votes in one vote) is the shit, and the internetz poll will have the same points 1st through 4th shit we had. Winner moves into the finals. We have four first round four-man battles, and maybe whatever one non-winner shows and proves the best will be a fifth wild card in the final as well. Finals will be the same deal, but a 35 to 40 minute mix, to highlight your music dorkery to the fullest. After that round, winner will receive a prize package (thus far, I have promised to spray paint an empty forty bottle gold and hand paint the winner’s name on it and Mike said he’d probably get an XXL subscription or something) and also the completely useless accolades of other internet dorks.
So hit us up on the emails and let’s fill up this 16-person field and share music the way it was meant to be shared - not just uploaded for downloading ease but mixed together in odd and highly personal ways.

update: 8 spots filled. we are adding 2 auxiliary spots because we know people can be deadbeats sometimes. sign up soon!

NFL WK 4: South division teams

I guess since it's in the third week of my pretend football knowledge, there might be a questioning ass homo who wonders how my highly mathematical power rankings system works. Well, I can't give it all away because I'm secretly working on selling the formula to Iran and Syria for futbol rankings to help their teams achieve World stage success like the post-Saddam Iraqi futbol team has (knowing the intricacies of my system allows a team to tweak their standings through the little things that help, i.e. unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, foreign-born kickers/punters, and how many players have their name covered up on their jersey by dreadlocks or Samoafro ponytails), but the basic gist of it is the teams are ranked in tiers that started at the beginning of the season according to Las Vegas odds for them to win the Super Bowl since if anyone knows football, it’s whatever Jewish dude Robert DeNiro’s character in Casino was based on. So you start with that shit, and then teams get more or less points depending on who they beat or lose to, and that shit doubles if you lose at home or win on the road. Then there’s a series of 17 intangibles I add in each week (some of the aforementioned extra credit categories), which gives us the overall rankings, from which I pick out the teams from both conference’s teams in the same directional division. Also, about 67% of what I just told you explaining this shit was complete bullshit. Still, there’s science behind it, to an extend, but who the fuck cares since football is more of a religious thing (which is why they play on Sundays)? If you want science go fucking watch some faggot ass baseball and analyze sinkerballs in slow motion, Beaker.

#1: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3-0; #1 overall) - According to the formula I have set up before this season began (I slightly tweak it each year, like any forever-thinking upon crazy shit tweaker would), the Colts are like not only the best team thus far this year, but like almost double better than the #2 overall team (the Patriots, for your information). They have won two road divisional games in a row, and even though their defense is a hodgepodge patchwork of guys who don’t really seem that good (plus pilfered in free agency by loser teams thinking, “HEY! This guy won a Super Bowl! He can bring Super Bowl mentality to our team and that’s all we really need to win a Super Bowl, even though we’ve had shitty drafts and shitty coaches for fifteen years in a row!”), they somehow seem to get shit done. You don’t have to worry about the offense because corncob pussyface Peyton Manning is gonna be awwduhbulling every play and pointing around and waving around like an overzealous halfwit hooked up with helping park cars at the Indiana state fair through locally affiliated social work agencies. The thing is, I hate Peyton Manning. Him winning the Super Bowl was great for him to give him that luster in the eyes of football writer dorks, but it also accelerated my attitude towards him. You see, previously, I was completely content with Peyton Manning never being able to win the big games. He could throw 5 touchdowns a game and I wouldn’t care, so long as he choked in the playoffs. But once he won a Super Bowl, that malevolent dream has been shattered. So now I hope for ACL injuries or paralysis or concussions that make him stupider. No shit. I know that’s not right, but fuck it, ain’t nobody right. Most of you fuckers are dirtbag pieces of shit, but you’ll get all indignant about somebody writing some shit like that for you to read of your own volition, whereas I just write retarded shit, but if I was riding down the road and saw a Peyton Manning on the side of the road broke down, I’d pull over the help him. Shit, some of my best friends are Peyton Mannings. It’s just that #18 on the Colts is such a motherfucking piece of shit stereotypical Peyton Manning... I mean look at him.

#2: TENNESSEE TITANS (2-1; #5 overall) - Ahh, Vincent Q. Young, enjoy this time in the limelight, you ignorant happy-go-lucky extra-athletic bastard. Because you are basically Michael Vick v2.0, and that means everything will turn against you once everybody realizes if they stack the box against you, you’re screwed because you never throw the ball with any consistency or regularity. Young scored the lowest score ever on the Wonderlick test (which is some sort of psychological test probably geared towards white quarterbacks the NFL administers to motherfuckers as part of its incessant barrage of useless information before drafting college kids into getting concussions and crippled knees) for a starting quarterback, but he seems like a nice enough guy. Like, I don’t think he’ll end up running a dogfighting operation and shit, but I also don’t think he’ll ever win a Super Bowl ring. Although maybe he will, because when it was basically Michael Vick vs. an invincible Florida State team for college crystal ball title, Vick lost, but when it was basically Vince Young vs. invincible USC team for the same crystal ball, Young got her done. I do often wonder how the fuck Jeff Fisher is still the coach in Tennessee all this time (I think it’s 15 years and he just signed an extension), which makes me think shit is fixed, because I used to wonder that shit about Bill Cowher and then he won a Super Bowl and now is like the most coveted head coach ever for next year.

#3: HOUSTON TEXANS (2-1; #7 overall) - Dude, straight up, Matt Schaub played near me in college, and that dude is a quarterback. I mean, beyond the shitty offensive line they’ve always had, they’ve never really had a for-real running back nor a for-real wide receiver. I mean, they’ve had dudes who were supposed to be this or that, but never really amounted to that much shit beyond maybe one good year. Schaub, alone, shifts the whole dynamic of that team, even if they do have the shittiest uniforms in the NFL. Plus the stupidest name.

#4: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (2-1; #13 overall) - Football incest kinda freaks me out. Jon Gruden is young coaching prodigy whisked away from the Raiders to help Barry Switzer a Super Bowl title out of Tony Dungy’s Buccaneers team, and his left-hand man on defense is that old ass Kiffin dude who coached under Hank Stram or whatever, and then that Kiffin dude’s grandson gets hired to be the youngest coach ever at Oakland this year. I think Bruce Allen was general manager at Oakland (or something similar), son of coaching great George Allen, and brother to former Senator from Virginia George Allen, who lost last year because he called some punjabi fucker a parakeet monkey somewhere where digital cameras from the digital age shockingly recorded it and sent it to the world via youtube. So Allen lost to Jim Webb. What makes me sad about this is every year at the 4th of July Volunteer Firemen’s Parade in Scottsville, the whole eight years we lived here, George Allen always rode a horse in the parade, looking like every redneck print shop owner ever, where every day was blue jeans and button down striped shirt day, but once he lost the Senator bullshit, he wasn’t there this year. You know what else wasn’t there? The airbrush store that used to be on Valley Street that I was gonna take my Cadillac Williams red Bucs jersey in to get a Cadillac logo airbrushed onto the front side since I bought it at the outlet store that sold mistake NFL jerseys for $6 or so, and there was no screenprint on the front, though the patches and sleeves and backside looked just like Cadillac himself had put it on and gotten transmogrified into a beer bellied dreadlocked bearded mountain man looking for an 18-pack, an 18-year-old slut, and a 36-year-old Maverick with a full tank of gas. I am no conservative by any means, nor am I a liberal by any means, nor do I vote by any means, but I would imagine the lack of a Senator present in the parade and the lack of an airbrush store are related somehow. I bet some egghead on NPR could explain that shit out though, and have little audio quotes from some Mexican lady whose husband got detented on illegal immigration charges at the chicken farm to accentuate his points.

#5: CAROLINA PANTHERS (2-1; #15 overall) - The Panthers have been that quality team that never gets over the hump for a long minute now. I think the initial infatuation with ignorant-ass sounding Billy Joe Delhomme is wearing thin, but David Carr is no answer to no real question about football successes. I feel bad because Steve Smith is like my favorite dude in the NFL, with his airbrushed cleats and shit. He's like everything Ocho Cinco wants to claim to be. Smith has done ridiculous celebrations after touchdowns (the rowboat thing was my favorite) yet he doesn't be all like, "Yo, you have to follow my touchdown celebrations, it's a stupid half-wit written soap opera meant to cover up my repressed sexuality." Steve Smith just does the shit. And he's stuck on this team of high end mediocrity. And what's up with Julius Peppers? He's been good and shit, but that dude was hyped up to be Football Dolemite coming out of UNC. I was expecting him to have broken a couple motherfuckers by now, but I guess going from college superstar in Chapel Hill about an hour away to pro superstar in Charlotte, he's probably groin strain deep in strip club pussy, which'll take the edge off of any man. I used to work for this dude who went to a bachelor party in Cackylacky and they hit up the champagne room ($75 minimum bottle, which meant some slut would be hanging with you and rubbing your leg the whole time), and this dude I worked for was talking shit on some Mexican kid who was all g'ed up and "wasting money" on a $150 bottle of champagne. I was like, "Fuck it man, you were both wasting fucking money to have some slut rub on your leg, he was just ballin'." Then I asked how many hired sluts were with the Mexican, and the dude I worked for begrudgingly said it was three, including one of the sluts who had been sitting with him. I am not one to use that term playa hater, as it's a cornball term, as is any term that is screenprinted in day-glo colors on t-shirts homeless crackheads wear, but soemtimes it applies.

#6: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-1; #16 overall) - The Jaguars are the South's Denver Broncos... they are consistently whatever, bland outfitted, and nobody seventeen miles away from their hometown gives a fuck about them. I guess Jack Del Rio was entertaining for a while with his retarded linebacker demeanor, with his chopping block in the locker room and then suddenly the day after the last preseason game cutting Byron Leftwich, but that shit's probably wearing thin on the 48 people who actually believe in the Jaguars. Haha, it's funny to think of Tom Coughlin and Mark Brunell being the cornerstone of anything at one point other than a deep water baptist church pancake dinner where everyone talks about signs to tell if your kid is possessed by pop culture's devilish ways.

#7: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (0-3; #24 overall) - The dream is over. Deuce McAllister is broken and behind a patchwork offensive line, Drew Brees looks like he did three years again when the Chargers drafted Eli Manning or Philip Rivers or anybody but Brees. 0-3 is not a good start for a shitty team, much less a supposed contender that got highlighted on opening night kick-off television. The post-Katrina healing magic is over. Now, Lil Wayne is making mixtapes in Miami and the government is almost done building bigger and better levees that'll kill like three times the black people next time. George Bush hates black people, Kanye West loves white women, and Saints fan can pull the paper bag headpieces back out once again.

#8: ATLANTA FALCONS (0-3; #32 overall) - The Michael Vick is Dog-Hitler thing really immersed the Falcons into suckland deeply, because they basically were there at most positions already, but Vick could scamper and stutter step enough merchandise off the shelves and TV analysist hype off the cuff to pretend they didn't suck. But they did. And they would've even if Vick was playing, just not so badly. Shit, they could've kept Matt Schaub, converted Vick to passing running back, and reanimated dead all too early monster offensive linemen from the past together, and they still would've sucked. That fat dude who was married to Tony Sopranos wife on TV is looking like a first class ass for taking this coaching job, but fuck it, he's still getting paid. I think the greatest thing I learned from the Michael Vick Dog-Hitler media barrage of stories was reading the paper one day and seeing that Billy "White Shoes" Johnsons is some sort of executive with the team, and he was still referred to as Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. I've always wanted to tattoo WHITE SHOES JOHNSON somewhere around my crotch behind where my pants would be even if I wore them slung low because of rap music, mostly because I think that shit would be funny. No chicks would know what it meant, and even if I went gay, I doubt the average gay dude knows what it would mean. I wonder if Billy "White Shoes" Johnsons still does that dance when something good happens?

Dance Party #1

Intro: I need to take a break from writing critically about music because I'm burnt out. Plus I'm afraid I will get locked into this internet persona of being some kind of rap music dork. I mean, I guess I AM a rap music dork, but there's other things I'm dorky about, so it's unfair that you only get to see that side of me.
I used to be dorky about 'zines. If you don't know what a 'zine is, well I'm sick of explaining it. I'm sure you can find an informative entry about them on Wikipedia. If 'zines weren't completely impractical at this point in time, I'd probably put this blog on hold for a while and go back to doing those. Blogs and websites are fun and all, and you definitely have the potential to reach more people than most 'zines do, but there's something a lot more fulfilling about producing a physical copy of something and being able to hold it in your hands. I refuse to continue waxing poetic about 'zines because almost every poetic waxing of 'zines contains the "being able to hold it in your hands" statement and I don't want to become predictable and redundant.
At the end of my 'zine run, I kind of settled into doing 'zines that featured a lot of short slice of life type pieces where I'm very judgmental for the sake of comedy, and most people I know in real life would agree that's what I'm best at. Well that, and scathing, intentionally mean music reviews, but I'm putting those on hold.
So I figured I'd go back to doing shit like that to re-ignite my Writing Spirit. these Dance Party posts will be like a little mini-zine, except they won't be badly photocopied and you can't read them on the toilet. So they are really nothing at all like a 'zine, and more like your average blog post, except I feel I have a more interesting take on things than most other people (Most people who make blogs feel this way though.). I don't know how many "issues" of "Dance Party" I'll reach, but my average 'zine lasted until issue 4, so I'd say at least 4.


My new neighbor looks like a real creep.

Most Apartment buildings in Albany are real weird because they were built in the 1800's by Dutch people. From my understanding, the Dutch were a very small breed of people. Because of that, it's pretty common to get an apartment in Albany with a large wide open living room and high ceilings. If you're lucky, you'll even get one of the apartments with the sweet arched doorways. The problem is, since the Dutch were so tiny, and by my calculations they must have been the size of midgets, that most bedrooms are really small and make no sense at all if you're over 5' 3".
Besides that, it seems most of these apartments were even bigger at some point in time. So big, that a lot of future owners decided to split one gigantic apartment into two smaller apartments, all with tiny bedrooms. Right now, I live in a three bedroom apartment that's a fairly good size despite only having one decent sized bedroom. Right next door to my apartment is a very small apartment that at one point used to be a part of the current apartment I'm living in. If you go into my living room, it's rather obvious where they put up the wall to make one apartment with a very large living room into two apartments because they did such a shitty job of covering up the fact.
Usually when this is done, there's some consideration for space and the apartments are at least close to being equal in size. In this case, whoever did it was just like "Fuck it!" and made a normal sized apartment (mine), and then a tiny apartment for someone used to living in a prison cell.
I found this out because my former neighbor invited me over a few times to smoke weed. She was possibly the dumbest and most spaced out girl I've ever talked to. She didn't mind the size of the place because she lived in another dimension anyway. The "living room" to the apartment was about the size of a decent apartment bedroom, and the "bedroom" was the size of my walk-in closet. The kitchen and bathroom were converted from closets, no shit. Her refrigerator was a standard dorm room fridge, and the bathroom was narrow to the point that if you were over 200 pounds, you'd probably have a hard time dumpin inside of it.
She moved out or got evicted a month or so ago. That wasn't a big loss or anything, but I trusted my landlord enough not to let a serious creep move inside there. I mean, not many people are going to jump at the chance to pay $600+ a month for something smaller than a studio apartment in Albany New York, which has more than a plethora of cheap apartments to live in.
I haven't met this dude formally or anything, but I saw him yesterday chilling on our stoop in a wifebeater and smoking USA Golds. He was bald and looked like he's been through some shit. Now I have to make sure my door is locked at all times, which is a bitch to do, since Space Cadet Girl's ex boyfriend kicked in our door one night out of anger for some reason. So my landlord, instead of fixing that shit up proper, just kind of haphazardly nailed some new wood into the problem areas and now the door is a regular bitch to open and close. Now I have to worry about some jerkoff holed up in a 10'X10' apartment breaking in looking for shit to pawn for meth money in between his marathon sessions of pasting up model's pictures he ripped out of Women's magazines to his wall so he can later X out their faces with a pocket knife and masturbate to them.
Lucky for me, I am moving out of Albany in a couple months because I need an escape from reality for a little while, but until then, I have to live in fear.


Actually, my downstairs neighbor is a creep too.

He's a different kind of creep though. He's old and harmless, and possibly mentally retarded. You can smell the stench of cigarettes through his door, and he leaves AM radio on 24 hours a day. He also has the habit of leaving his door wide open for no apparent reason. This is how we found out he leaves his Christmas tree up year 'round.
One time, me and my roommate were walking down the stairs and he had his door open as usual. We looked inside, and he had a big piece of cardboard propped up in front of his Christmas Tree. He had written ATM on it in black magic marker and had a five dollar bill taped to it.
Also, a few months ago, we walked outside of our apartment and saw he hung one of those inflatable Spider Man toys you get from parades outside of his window with a sign attached to it that said "HELP ME!". We really should have gotten photographic evidence of this, but by the time we though of doing so, it was already gone.
I always see him at the corner store at any given time. From 7am to 11pm, dude is always there buying scratch offs. I know he can't have a job, and I don't think my landlord takes Section 8, so I don't know what he does. I don't know if there's some kind of Mental Retard program that gives you money and lets you live in an apartment and spend all your money on cigarettes and scratch offs, but if there really is, I may have to hit myself in the head with a frying pan a few times to see if I can collect. I'm sick of working for the money I use to buy cigarettes and scratch offs. (Just kidding. I don't buy scratch offs. I haven't given up on life just yet.)


Diet Soda is killing me.

In a feeble attempt to lose weight, I've switched over from normal soda to Diet soda. I should say, in a feeble attempt to not gain anymore weight, since I know you can't just lose weight by drinking Diet Soda. Only true fat people think that way.
I would bet 80% of my caloric intake is soda, which is why I switched over to diet. It's not that I constantly over eat (I do on weekends though, because it's fun), I just have a problem with never wanting to move a muscle and drinking too much sugary fluids. I figured if I drink chemically altered liquid that tastes like sugary fluids, I am at least cutting out 1000 calories a day from my daily lazy man diet.
I am not even that fat. I mean, I'm fucking fat, but I'm not fat to the point where grade schoolers would point and laugh at me. No one is thinking they could trap me in a giant box if they baited it with Big Macs or anything. I don't walk with penguin feet because my thighs rub together and I can see my dick when I piss. On a personal level, I'm teetering on the brink of fatness where I can't deal with myself though. So I know a change needs to be made. I'm starting off small with the switch to diet soda, so fuck you, leave me alone. I'd also like to let you know my main motivation to lose weight is so I can make fun of actual fat people with a cleaner conscious. There is nothing I love more than making fun of fat people.
Back to this diet soda thing: Diet soda sucks when you first start drinking when you're a lifetime normal soda drinker, but after a week you just get used to it, so I don't mind it so much. The problem I'm having is that my girlfriend keeps telling me how horrible diet soda is for your body because of all the mysterious chemicals they use to make it. I don't fact check shit, so I have no option but to believe her, and now any time my body aches or my stomach feels weird, I automatically assume it's the diet cola chemicals eating away at my insides. I am in constant fear that I will be the first person to die from diet soda now, and I can't just quit soda cold turkey. That's like telling Aquaman he can't swim anymore or taking gold away from The Leprechaun. I can quit smoking easier.
Deep down, I know diet soda isn't killing me, but I'm not so sure about it melting away my insides. I know they used to do tests to scare children in school out of drinking coke by melting batteries and shit with it, so I'm sure since diet soda is made with even more chemicals it has super battery melting powers. I now go to sleep having these nightmares that my insides look like melting wax and the diet chemicals have made my heart abnormally large and at any minute it will burst out of my chest cavity soaked and fermented in diet Pepsi.


The Last Five Records I Listened To According to iTunes Shoddy 'Recently Played' list:

1. Dizzee Rascal - Maths & English: Still holding up as my album of the year.
2. M.I.A. - Kala: Still holding up as my 2nd place album of the year, though interest is waning
3. Percee P - Perserverance: Doesn't suck as much as I thought it would, but it's only at "pretty decent" status right now.
4. Aesop Rock - None Shall Pass: This entire album is growing on me.
5. DJ Muggs Vs. SIck Jacken - The Legend of the Mask & The Assassin: Like Raven said, this shit is Sick Wacken.


Outro: Thanks for reading. I'd write more, but it's past my bedtime. -- Mike Dikk

7-list: motherfuckers I hate

In real life, I'm not a hateful motherfucker at all, although inside my insides, I do bottle up a lot of anger and frustration, usually over the stupid mistakes or bad attitudes towards regular things that I have, but I like to save them up for those rare opportunities a hilarious encounter arises that I can attempt to smash face or get my face smashed in. Those are great release therapy sessions, far better than talking to some new age older lady who wants you to put figurines in the sand to show how you feel while she spins Chinese balls in her hand like Furious Styles. But here's who the fuck I be hating upon in my secret mind lately...
#1: stupid redneck fucker at the Scottsvilel IGA last week - So I'm a housepainter dreadlocked half hippie half redneck hip hop tinged overall all over piece of shit with a goodhearted blackheart and good timed open mind. And at the local dilapidated strip mall, I like to park my piece of shit next to the curb perpendicular like you can, by the paperboxes, and just walk the strip to the IGA, past the laundromat, the shithole diner, the tax place that's closed most of the year, check the bulletin board for weird handwritten schizophrenic Jesus tracts or yard sale notices, and go to the store. Last week, I did that, and I heard somebody holler over at me, not really hearing what he said, and I saw a younger redneck dude starting to get out of his piece of shit car with busted windshield, and I thought, "Yo, dude might need a jump or something," so I yelled back, "WHAT?" Kid kinda tucked his head back into the car, so I turned to go in the store, figuring he thought I was someone else or whatever. As soon as I turn, twangy holla back goes, "FUCKIN DREADLOCK HIPPIE FAGGOT!" And the main reason I enjoy having dreadlocks is to shatter people's preconceptions on an interpersonal level, plus I have mad internal frustration, so I turned again, playing it cool, "WHAT'D YOU SAY?" Dude tucks back into the car, and that's when I see there's another dude in the passenger seat. But dude is tucking back into the car, so I step off the curb towards his car and go, "WHAT'D YOU SAY, MAN? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU." Nothing, sitting in the car, but I hear him mumble to his buddy, "He's lucky I ain't got my shit." So I yell back, "ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCK WITH ME MAN?" Nothing. Sitting in the car, doing nothing, even as I get about twenty feet from his piece of shit. So I go in the store, thinking in my head, "Okay, avoid conflict," and also figuring he was there just like I was, to buy beer, so I do the loop to the beer around the store, figuring I'll check out, he'll be a few steps behind me, so I can avoid this bullshit. Except when I get to the two registers (small town old ass grocery store), the one is all filled up with shit, and the other is just him and a pack of cigarettes. So I set my beer down on the belt, look at him and go "What's up man?" real shitty like. He just turns ahead and doesn't make eye contact. Good move, faggot shit-talking redneck. Ends up he doesn't have ID to buy cigarettes, so the old lady there won't sell them to him, even though he had a Sam's Club ID with no picture or date of birth for her, and he yells, "THIS IS BULLSHIT!" and storms out. I ask her if she knows him, ask the bagger dude, they go no, I say he was talking shit outside too. She rings me up, no ID of course since I'm a regular, and as I'm leaving, that dude rolls back in, jumps in the front of the line with her, and she just points to the door and says, "No. You just leave right now." So I hang loose outside by my truck to see what transpires, and dude storms out, jumps in his piece of shit, and peels gravel out the lot. I figure I might as well go check my PO Box since that's the way he went anyways, so I peel gravel out behind him from the other end. Luckily, he turns down the road going that way, which comes to a T-intersection. I speed to catch up, and I see them sitting at the stop sign, and the dude in the passenger seat looks back, says something, and they take the fuck off, swerving, almost ran some old lady in a minivan off the road. Of course, I took the same right, speeding, to follow them, since that's the way to the post office. I was right on their ass, then nonchalantly took another right that I had to take, leaving them to be freaked out or fucking pissed or whatever. The thing is, once I knew that dude didn't have a gun, I didn't give a fuck. I'm no Kimbo Slice or nothing, but I'd love nothing more to whip some piece of shit-talking trash redneck's ass over nothing more than his own mouth. And if it comes to freestyle hand-to-hand, I've got scrap rebar and five-in-ones (for those that don't know, a "five-in-one" is a painter's tool, which has five uses, hence the name; one of those uses, I've come learn, is to stab a stupid motherfucker in his left side) in the back of my truck at all times, so whatever. #2: The Grateful Dead - The stupid Sirius satellite radio now has a Grateful Dead channel, which I've been bumping a lot lately because other than the throwback station, I can't stand the rap stations. Last week, I jumped in the truck one day and they were playing the live show from the first show I ever went to - June something or some shit in 1991, RFK Stadium. I did mad hallucinogenics and bought mad acid back to Farmville, VA, to sell to the prep kiddies at a nice little mark-up that allowed me to not have a summer job (well, other than that of course). Hearing that "Tennessee Jed" got me fired up to quit my job (working for myself, hahaha) and go anywhere. Fuck it. Well, of course I couldn't do that sensibly because my wife doesn't really make evil bitch demands of me, and I've got an ever-growing brood of children, and none of them are actually shitty at all, although my youngest does roll her goddamned eyes too much. So there was no need to quit. But I figured I'd find some Dead shows to throw on my wife's iPod since there's very little on her iPod that interests me. Thing is, I found out this whole deal is massive capitalism trickery, as a few years back the remaining Dead corporation shut down people trading live shows, which was always a staple of being a stupid over-indulged Dead fan, having 7000 live shows on tape that you actually knew the difference between. (Getting that deep into any sub-culture is bad news, and I was never that deep into the Dead, but I knew folks who were like that.) So they shut down all this shit so that they could own the rights to all their live shows, which they release as CD bullshit things, but also apparently inked a deal to release all their lives shows on iTunes as well. Not only do I hate that bullshit, I hate the fact I just did retarded brand-specific capitalization for "iTunes" on a laptop computer. See? I should've just quit my job last week and ran as far as my credit limit would take me, find some young stupid hippie bitch who was infatuated with my rugged southern charm behind a beard and faggot dreadlocks, got her pregnant as fuck, and done it all over again until a good day like that arose again. The Dead used to be good backdrop music for reckless personal decisions like that, but now they seem to me to be more like a good bumper sticker for mortgage brokers or assistant district attorneys to slap on their six-pack sized cooler they take to go see free music in the park the first Friday evening of every month. Fuck that shit. #3: this DJ Goldfinger reggae show host on the local community radio station - Really, he's just a local example, because he plays this awesome dub reggae bullshit every other Friday afternoon, and you're all getting into it, painting some shitty house for some shitty person three thousand times more stable financially than you'll ever be in your whole life, and then he comes on and talks in monodrone voice about "I hope you're paying attention to what Alberto Gonzales has done, even now that he's gone, because the next guy is cut from the same cloth..." all low and mind-numbingly annoying, "...and we have to stay aware and open-minded" and then he'll FINALLY get back around to playing some awesome King Tubby or Sly & Robbie or something, but not after riding his organic soapbox for seven minutes. That dude in Florida who got tazed, bro, he's the same thing. Like, I know the world is fucked and the same evil fuckers who want to ban illegal immigrants were in the same frat as the same evil fuckers who want to make more food stamps for crack babies; but showing your ass or talking on the radio and shit, that's preaching to the converted or just trying to have your own ass face show up on the media barrage. That fag kid in Florida, this is the greatest thing to ever happen to him, which is telling. Now his stupid website will get more hits and he can go on Greta Van Cistern. I hope they put him in jail and some dudes who for-real hate cops rape him. Well, I don't actually hope that, but it also won't actually happen because he, in all likelihood, can afford lawyers and won't have shit like that ending up happening to him. Which is why the liberal open-minded-to-the-point-of-being-closed type people piss me off. When you are some organic fruit picking Zen Buddhist Barack Obama-ite who has allowed the Bushhitler phenom to give you something to diatribe against for eight years, how the fuck can you understand bread-crumb ridden grade D meatloaf for supper three days in a row? And I never ate that shit that bad, but I lived in a trailer and had my dad's girlfriend give us her welfare food and food stamps since my dad was fucking her right well, so I can at least understand enough in life to know that all them fuckers don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. Anybody who cares about politics is a stupid privileged piece of shit. Everybody else would rather get drunk or get high and not vote, and eventually you stupid privileged pieces of shit will put so many of us in jail we'll be like, "Whoa... fuck this bullshit!" And then we'll kill a whole bunch of each other but have enough venomous hatred to senselessly kill some of you, too. That shit's gonna be tight. #4: people who say "ghetto" - Usually it's some college-bound chick complaining because her '05 Camry's interior light won't work. I also find it incredibly hate-inducing when scrawny white gurls with the ass of 11-year-old boys say they have a "ghetto booty". Completely unrelatedly, I remember some stupid chick in high school, while we were both high as fuck at some field bonfire party, explaining to me that supposedly black dudes had bigger dicks because of a chemical in chicken grease. That shit was funnier than fuck to me because, one, she was scientifically being a racialist, and two, I eat fried chicken like every day and my dick's still small as fuck. That's probably why I so needlessly hate so many trifling ass minute things #5: whoever knew about this Earthless shit Rhythms From a Cosmic Sky and didn't tell me about it - This is awesome. It's like some Kyuss/better Queens of the Stone Age bullshit inbred with early Hawkwind space brainy metal jammy fuckedness. Don't get it twisted though, most "ironic" metal, which has become a huge genre since so many kids who grew up knowing thrash metal was the purest of musics in the '80s ended up going to college in the '90s and now are old enough to focus on having a shitty band that has dedicated practice times once a week in '00s, but all that "ironic" metal lacks gut. It's like former fratboy businessmen having a softball team, but just for the kids who never did well at sports because they were too cool to try. Actually, I'd say any form of metal music made by people who don't think weed is part of this nutritionally balanced breakfast are not making for-real metal; and I don't even smoke weed on a daily basis. I don't like to pretend I'm the next incarnation of Mastodon on bass either though. #6: Rick Reilly and similar smug bastard pseudo-clever sports columnists - I listen to more sports radio than I'd be proud to admit to, being it's a good numbing drone for the background while I'm stealing some "window time" (which is the construction world's affectionate term for riding around in your truck doing a bunch of shit under the guise of having to go get some supplies for the job you're at, thus charging the client for you riding around all day looking at used records and eating a three-piece chicken snack from the gas station), but man, sports radio is really stupid. Like probably the stupidest thing I willingly allow to enter my brain through my ears. But the worst is when the shitty hosts get shitty ESPN/SI columnists to come on the show, so you get Rick Reilly, who I've always hated because his shit is like really funny if you were into second-rate stand-up comedians in 1982, plus he has that introspective pic of himself, looking all ready to fight a couple dicks to find an extra-tough one to throw in his mouth (although, to be fair, he's not as bad as that other bald-headed happy-smiled dude who somehow managed to take the high bar Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins set for looking like an actual living walking penis and raised it just a half-inch higher). And I guess instead of being hateful, I should be thankful for Dan Patrick being gone from the AM airwaves, so I didn't have to hear him interviewing Rick Reilly about Britney Spears and mentioning how great the new Kanye West album was (because they are down with black people since Stuart Scott is one of their best friends) and making stale jokes about shooting Barry Bonds' record baseball into space. And it sorta bothers me, because if these dudes are getting paid for slapping together their lightweight sports-angled Dave Barry fluff pieces, then that must mean there are really that many dumbasses out there in this world who pretend that's entertaining. But I guess there might be. I mean, Louie Anderson is still on Fox's NFL Sunday doing the same tired John Madden impression he did on Family Feud seven years ago, so the average dude's brain must be watered down by softcore Maxim pictorials and monosodium glutamate-laced ranch dressing they dip their 6 for $7 chicken wings in. I never understood chicken wings either, to be honest. I took the fam out for dinner after youth soccer practice today (I be coaching the youth of America on how to futbol their way to a more confident future), and I almost got chicken wings at the joint. But then I remembered, oh yeah, that's the most unfleshy part of a chicken, dipped in sticky sauce, and then baked to a crusty, hard-to-find actual meat perfection. But I would guess picking through a plate full of bone-heavy chicken parts while laughing at Tony Kornheiser's oy vey routine on ESPN would probably equal, "HAHAHA! Dude, you gotta read what Rick Reilly wrote about Isaiah Thomas this week!" By the way, I'm glad Hunter S. Thompson is dead. The other week, I was wasting time at the library and I took that Hey Rube book of his ESPN Page 2 columns off the shelf... man, that shit was terrible. And it only would've gotten worse by now. #7: suicide victims - I'm not one who believes suicide is a pussy-ass move, because it takes some guts to swallow a hollow point in your bedroom while nobody else is around, but still, when it gets so ugly you want to die, fuck it man. Run away, go join the carnival, go kill whoever made you so sad and see how prison shakes out. That's the best I could come up with to finish this shit off, because honestly, I couldn't even think of seven people I truly hate. But it's late, I'm slightly inebriated and should already be cuddled under the comforter enjoying some good pre-fall sleeping weather, but instead I spent like an hour writing some dumb shit for some dumbass blog that like only 9 people will see, and then only like 4 of them will even halfway care about it, much less enjoy. If anyone should kill themself, it would be me, although, again, rather than kill myself, perhaps I should refocus my energies, and instead of writing stupid blog bullshits for no one I know for real, I could masturbate to bi-racial bestiality fantasies, or even try to finish reading one of the 7000 books laying around I've read the first fifty pages of. Instead, I'll just post this, google my own name, then laugh at people on craigslist. (Actually, all I'll do is post this, then go to bed; I mostly said the other things to mock what I have as a stereotype of what people like you do. You should feel free to make mocking stereotypes of me in the comments section. No one ever comments to my dumb shit, and nothing makes me happier than reading glaringly accurate stereotypes about myself.)

NFL WK 3: West division teams

We move to the western divisions this week. In case you were wondering how I choose that bullshit, basically after week one, I looked at the four directions of divisions, and the one with the worst record (East) I did first. This one is the worst of the other three after two weeks, so in each four week cycle of this bullshit (haha, that's assuming I do this that long; frankly, I'm stoked I made it two weeks in a row; it's not like I'm fucking Bill Simmons with stoner fratboys checking my column before they ride around pretending they're doing sales calls all day long or some shit), I will build up to the best divisions as a whole. Then at the end, I'll figure out some bullshit for the playoffs probably. Maybe not. Just enjoy it while it lasts, if it's enjoyable.

#1: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (1-1; #6 overall) - I've got some sad news for you if a Chargers fan, but you're doomed. Last year was as close as you'll get to sniffing a Super Bowl, regardless of how great L.T., Merriman the Destructor, and All-Pro Power Forward Antonio Gates end up being. You are now cursed with Norv Turner, seriously who will go down as the worst coach to ever coach so many games. Like, I don't even understand why the fuck they thought this was a good idea. At least Martyball gets you deep into the playoffs before it crumbles, giving the greedy owners an extra home game or two if they're lucky, to cash in on alternate color Tomlinson jersey sales. Norv Turner, for as great an offensive coordinator as he may be, sucks as a head coach. I am a Redskins fan, so I saw it firsthand. I don't know what it is - his poor childhood or whatever water heater accident that caused him to have Mask Lite facial complexions, but he is too damned complacent, and a football team is gonna take on their coach's personality. Again, in comparison to Schottenheimer, with ol' Marty, you knew you were good, knew you could smash motherfuckers in the face for the whole regular season, but once it turned January, you would have doubts. With Norv, there is no smashface attitude, no go for the kill mentality - straight pussyfooting around the field for sixteen weeks, which will usually leave them one game out of the playoffs. I think the Chargers probably have enough raw talent to actually make the playoffs, but this is a sinking ship, no doubt about it. By the end of the year, they might only be like #3 or #4 in the western divisions, L.T. will be regarded as Shaun Alexander's AFC partner as pussy running back with no heart, Shawne Merriman will be questioned as propped up by anabolics since he'll start to suck more, and Philip Rivers will be Ryan Leaf to Eli Manning's role as Peyton... well, he'll be Ryan Leaf too probably. But Philip Rivers seems to have that deer in the headlights look a little too much. Before the season, motherfuckers were like, "Yo, Chargers in the Super Bowl, dude, for real," but let me tell you, Norv Turner's unhungered desire runs deep, and I guarantee you the Chargers lose a game or two to even the shitty Raiders and Chiefs this year, not to mention sucking it up far worse in bigger marquee match-ups than anyone would've expected. I'm interested in seeing what happens, since basically you gave Norv Turner the keys to a Lamborghini, and he was pretty adept at fucking up a Thunderbird and Pinto in Washington and Oakland before, so once he leaves this Lamborghini wrapped around a yield sign by the end of the year, what're you gonna do? Fire him and try to sucker some other chump in after you fired two coaches in two years? Hope you can throw enough money under Bill Cowher's scowl to slap a smile across his Sgt. Slaughter-assed face? They should've made a reality TV show about the Chargers.

#2: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-0; #7 overall) - The 49ers are back! Haha, yeah, whatever. The NFC West is four mediocre teams battling each other to trick the rest of the league into thinking they're good. Early on, it looks like the 49ers have the inside track to that role, with Frank Gore playing the role as UNHERALDED SUPERSTAR OVERLOOKED BECAUSE OF MEDIA EAST COAST BIAS, until the 49ers lose a home playoff game to whatever wild card team travels to the NFC West 2007 Divisional Champion's stadium in January. Then again, it's the NFC, in the era of free agency mediocrity, so the 49ers could conceivably rampage into the Super Bowl, to get crushed. The coach wearing a suit is some dope shit though. I'm sure the NFL is already working on team color ties so they can encapsulate Mike Nolan's traditional fashion sense into their merchandising coffers as well.

#3: DENVER BRONCOS (2-0; #10 overall) - John Elway is an all-time huge fucking shithead, for being a homo and refusing to play for the Colts until they traded his rights to the stupid Broncos, where he horsefaced his way into the Hall of Fame in Euro soccerfag uniforms. He is All-Time Broncos Hero. Mike Shanahan is the ugliest coaching man in the NFL, and when you see that weird blank worried angry look on his face, you just know he's probably molested his grandkids or someone's grandkids, and that's how he got that ugly worried look on his face. Shit, he might've been involved in whatever govt. cult used to sex up Jon-Benet Ramsey then killed her because her Project Monarch training was taking well enough. And Shanahan is the All-Time Great Broncos Brain. What this all means is the Denver Broncos private team flights can't wreck into enough snow-capped Rocky Mountain crevices to satisfy my cynical soul.

#4: ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-1; #15 overall) - For the seventh year in a row, the Cardinals are going to have their break-out year. This has been proven because last week they recovered an uncharacteristic fumble by whichever Hasselbeck QBs Seattle, then kicked a field goal to barely win at home in front of 149 people, plus four drunks on the mountainside who didn't feel like actually paying to see the game. And maybe this is their year for a playoff appearance, which I think the NFL's powers that be guarantee them one every fifteen years or so. But that's it, so if they make it this year, just plan on waiting till like 2020 to see it again, regardless of how many much-hyped college personalities they add to their team. Bill Bidwell has loser written all over his team, and he plays that role for the NFL happily. The truth of the matter is, they will never be good. The Arizona Cardinals could have conceivably started a human cloning research facility in underground bunkers in the desert right after it was certain the 1980s Robot Neil Lomax project was a failure, and they could have a 19-year-old Jim Brown, a 17-year-old Joe Montana, plus an 18-year-old Lawrence Taylor and a 16-year-old Lawrence Taylor genetically tweaked out to hype up as if Gatorade was cocaine, so that he'd be in "top form" for every minute of every game, calling timeouts in underground secret field workout against practice teams composed of unemployed NFL Europa all-stars, so that he can slug big cups of Gatorade then jump completely over the offensive line to break the quarterback like Joe Theismann on every play; and they could have all these guys hidden to uncover all at once when they're sure clones pass NFL standards, and they've trained these guys to be loyal Cardinals so that there's no sketchy free agency testing to muddy up the situation, and field this super team and STILL lose, because they are the Bill Bidwell brand of football Cardinals.

#5: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (1-1; #19 overall) - The Seahawks' uniforms are too dreary for them to ever be actually good. Plus, Shaun Alexander is probably the most obviously closeted gay dude the NFL has ever had since Emmitt Smith retired. And when I say gay, I don't just mean likes other men, but I mean soft, weak, and a fucking pussy who crumbles when physical conflict tests him. I can easily say that because in all my life, I've never gotten my ass kicked by a homosexual (although, I have gotten my ass kicked over ten times, and statistically that would mean at least one of those guys was gay, but realistically, none of those guys were gay; I mean, let's be realistic here). And one day, I may get my ass kicked by a homosexual, which won't really make me feel bad at all, because I don't hate gays; I just stereotype them. On that day a gay dude kicks my ass, I'll be all like, "Damn, I guess all gays aren't pussies," and I'll get up, dust myself off, wipe my bloody nose on my bootleg cloned Jim Brown #32 Cardinals alternate night home game black jersey, and go buy that gay dude a beer, saying, "I'm sorry bro, let me buy you a beer." And we'll drink and it'll all be over because if the dude who gets his ass kicked can put it aside, then why shouldn't everybody else, and I'll tell other people at the bar, "That gay dude over there, he's one of the good ones, and anyone who's got a problem with him has got to talk to me."

#6: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-2; #29 overall) - I've got one of those really stupid fantasy football teams that ruin football for you, and Steven Jackson was my highest drafted running back. He's sucked it up this year, as the Rams came out flat and look even flatter with no more Orlando Pace. I'm not sure out of the drunk driver dude they even have a defense anymore, and come on, who the fuck thought a guy named Marc Bulger was gonna pan out? He sounds like a metalhead delinquent who does acid at his job as the overnight shelf stocker in the grocery store. Dudes with names like that can't win big games - they either have to have fake '80s movies skater kid nemesis names like Peyton Manning or Brad Johnson, or they have to fake porn star names like Joe Montana or Trent Dilfer. A dude named Marc Bulger is not one to put your offense behind, especially after you used up a lifetime's worth of stupid-name QB good luck with Kurt Warner. I suggest they draft one of those dudes named Colt and start rebuilding.

#7: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (0-2; #30 overall) - I really enjoy Herm Edwards weird skull shape and his odd player-friendly enthusiasm. He reminds me of the high school basketball coach who has to coach health/P.E. since coach's are supposed to be teachers, so basically he just talks in this weird friendly monotone shocked talk, plays films for every day of health class, and might make you play softball one day but usually just gives you free reign to do whatever during phys ed, and letting you do it outside on the baseball field when it's warm out. It's sad that the Chiefs are so deeply shitty that this'll be the end of Herm's NFL run most likely.

#8: OAKLAND RAIDERS (0-2; #32 overall) - Whenever I get down because I'm a Redskins fan and the worst player on my team is the owner, I make myself remember Al Davis. I actually caught the end of that game last week and I think it was pretty obvious to everybody on earth that Janikowski was gonna blow that one. I like the swerve of the late timeout allowing him to feel he didn't blow out to increase the crushing psyche blow of actually blowing out for real. That's pretty much the Raiders. I think Raider Nation would be better served spending some of that time they spend cultivating their stadium costumes to trying to spike Davis' food with arsenic. The best thing that could ever happen for the Raiders would be for Davis to die, a collective fronted by Too Short buys the team, who hires Ted Hendricks to be GM and Bill Romanowski to be coach, and in his last week of his first preseason, he takes all players on the bubble and fights them and whoever doesn't get in a good fight is who gets cut. Actually, they should have hired Bill Romanowski. I'm also not even sure if Ted Hendricks is alive or he's killed himself from too many brain concussions already, but I bought the Kenny Stabler autobiography one time for a quarter at a Goodwill store, and I read up to when he stopped being a pussymongering alcoholic s superstar quarterback, and the story of Ted Hendricks signing with the Raiders as a free agent, everybody wondering if he would fit in, and then Hendricks riding into the first practice that year on a horse in his Raiders uniform with a spiked berserker helmet, that's the greatest shit ever. The NFL needs more linebackers like that and less guys that make masochistic homos masturbate when the linebacker is interviewed postgame stripped down to his Under Armour tank top.

7s - Ruminations on 50 Cent

So what with all the press that 50's been getting lately I've been thinking quite a bit on his actions in the last couple weeks, some of which make me shake my head, some of which make me laugh, and some of which still make me give him a lot of god damned respect. I'm sure some of this is old news to those of you hip hop nerds out there, but keeping up on hip hop iz hrd when you're trolling WoW forums, playing WoW, and making porn. What can I say.


1. Souljah boy interview: When I heard about this I prayed to the hip hop gods to PLEASE PLEASE not let Souljah Boy be the next member of G-Unit for one, and for two, please to not let 50 lose ALL credibility in my book by saying that Souljah Boy was a good artist or made good music. Thankfully, that didn't happen. However what DID happen roffled my waffles. The part where 50 stops the barber and tells him not to get too crazy on the eyebrows had me dying, as well as his proposed solution to if the barber took one of Souljah Boy's eyebrows off entirely. 50 really has no filter in between his mouth and his brain, and its comedy.


2. 50 Cent & Jim Jones on Rap City: I was checking my mail yesterday when my roommate gave me THIS information. 50 Cent introducing Mr. Ballin' himself on Rap City, as a guest. Interestingly enough although Jones reps Dipset a few times, he wasn't wearing any chains, or anything, and although they sort of beat around the bush about it, they both had said some shit that would fall under the category of "Things that make you go hmmm"

50's intro to Jim Jones:
"I told ya'll earlier I was gonna bring someone NEW into G-Unit...I might have a new sound and I might not...you see I got the whole G-Unit here, I'm gonna get it goin..."

Jim Jones' reply to the introduction:
"You know me, I'm a hustler, so I'm always open for more money and things like that...I got a new deal pending...someone done offered me a whole bunch of money I can't refuse..."

Obviously there's mad speculation as to whether or not Jim Jones is really gonna leave Dipset after being one of its founding members and all, but hey, after him and Cam not really being on the best of terms, I wouldn't really be surprised. As my boy told me last night, if anything it'd be hilarious to see the combination of the "dumb out" and the "BALLIN~!"

3. "I Get Money (Remix)" featuring Jay Z and Diddy: I heard this shit as a world premiere yesterday on an LA hip hop station (meaning it must have already been played on Hot 97 2 weeks ago, but hey) and I swear to god my roommate and I MARKED THE FUCK OUT in the car driving home from work. We were as inspired as choirgirls in a Baptist church. We screamed, we damn near fainted, and when they played it a SECOND time, it made me say to myself, "This is why I love hip hop." 50 did a new verse for it, Diddy actually was decent and so was Jay. They had some clever ass rhymes and I'm stealing this from the interweb and making it my new ringtone. Fuck you AT&T you ain't getting mo' money from me! (Um and by the way, anyone got a CD quality version of tis song? All I can get is the radio version. If you got it, hook your girl up, plskthx)


4. Screamfest: Yeah, yeah so this is old news, but every time I watch this clip I can't help but be like "what the FUCK?" 50 coming on stage and completely freaking out Jay, and then stealing Kanye's thunder to me was god damn hilarious.
And by the way, T.I. is straight retarded. Seriously.

5. Backstage breakfast with 50 Cent: This is something that happened last week on Power 106, one of TWO LA hip hop stations, and although it was pretty much what you'd expect, the DJs trying to start shit and make 50 say something, I was kind of surprised at one point though. The DJ asked 50, if he could make a 3 member group called "The Wack MCs" who would he put on there, he obviously said Ja and the Game first, and then the third person was Lil' Wayne, (which was a bit of a surprise to me personally, although the beef starting stewing a few weeks ago, from what I understand) and he said Kanye could produce, and that Fat Joe could be their hype man. That last bit made me LOL IRL for real. I thought his beef with Fat Joe was long dead, but apparently Fif holds grudges.

6. 50 on 106th and Park with Kanye: I have heard SOME stupid speculation that they split screened this shit, but who knows. What interested me was that they hosted together before 50's remarks on Power 106, so who the fuck knows what goes on in his mind. He vacillates back and forth between what he thinks and feels all the time. I was prepared to say he was being a big man for doing this but again, then he disses Kanye out the other side of his mouth on the radio show. Go figure.


7. 50's a sore loser: I love all the shit talking he did, and now according to SOHH he's talking like Def Jam is cheating on the sales numbers, and ALSO that he just doesn't feel motivated to make records anymore. Doesn't matter anyway since he's got tracks laid down for another album that he was going to release instead of Curtis, and his last album on his contract is going to be a greatest hits album. Not like he needs to actually MAKE another album anyway, but *shrugs* go figure.

Special Report: Give me the Phantasm Soundtrack

Here's the deal. I've been looking to own this record for about eight years now. I blew my chances of owning a physical copy back in the early 00's when it was going for $20-$30. Despite the fact that no one buys new CDs anymore, collecting records has managed to persevere and has made a lot of records completely hard to afford. The last time I saw the record on Ebay, I went beyond my normal $25 maximum limit on a record and went up to $32, and the final price finished somewhere over the $70 mark. I am not that hardcore into record collection where I'm about to drop that much money on one record, and it's to the point where the CD sells for $20 at the absolute lowest, which is ridiculous.

I have finally come to the realization that I will never physically own this record. Now I will settle for an electronic copy. Unfortunately, even that's hard to come by. I remember getting an almost full version of the soundtrack from the old Audio Galaxy site back in the day, so I know it exists in electronical format.

So if any of you out there are currently hiding the Phantasm Soundtrack on your hard drive, please hook a cracker up, upload it, and send a link my way. I understand that this isn't a Dorky Nerd Soundtrack blog, but I'm hoping someone out there likes dorky nerd Soundtracks like me. I know it's still a long shot, but a nice fellow from that San Pasquale Ent. blog hooked me up with the Giorgio "Son of My Father" record, so I know blog dreams can come true.

Thank you for your time. Any of your help will be appreciated.

7-list: thangs I thunk upon today

1. I was thinking about this Lil Flip song called "R.I.P. Screw", which since this is a part of rapdorkblogosphere and you guys probably don't like Screw or anything, that was a dead homey song Flip flipped and all. It's awesome, because he does some crazy rhyming saying, "We stood in the kitchen, laughing and sipping, smoking, getting high, eating a basket of chicken," which is the greatest shit ever. Fuck cybertronic encyclopediatric linguistics; being able to put that shit together makes Lil Flip better than scientists making it able for gay sex to make babies and Aesop Rock and Kanye West's ghostwriter make a gay baby, who in turn makes a gay baby with Birdman and Lil Wayne's adopted Nigerian boy, and that next double gay baby writes lyrics his whole life. His best shit is way worse than what I quoted above. But Lil Flip has a line, speaking of gay sex, that says, "You and me had a relationship, like Lil Wayne and Baby." I wonder if Flip ever regrets that line in retrospect. 2. I am a shitty self-employed worker dude, and I run extension cords all over the world to wherever I'm working so that I can have the sweet numbing sound of radio music while I waste my life away. At the end of the day, I roll up my drop cords (which is my retarded way of saying extension cords) into loops about forearm length, and when I get to the end, I run both ends in tight loops around the big loops on one end and plug them together, to keep everything in a nice roll to hang on a hook or leave laying on the ground or whatever. It just occurred to me today that doing this is extension cord incest, and now I'm afraid my extension cords are gonna wear out early so as to electrocute me to get back at me for making them fuck themselves every day. 3. In honor of 9/11 (never regret!), how come nobody's ever made a morning radio show bullshit thing with like the breakbeat from either Audio Two's "Top Billin'" or Shan's "The Bridge" and put newscast clips of people in the street interviews about how fucked up that shit was with a DJ cutting up, with his pitch control as slow as it'll go, that Biggie line "blow up like the world trade"? If hip hop is gonna become the music of grandparents, which it will, in like ten years at the most, then it has to be able to do dumb shit like that. 4. That bitch the other day at the tire store when I got my truck inspected, with the low cut white blouse, she had some nice ass tits. I bet her nipples were large and pointy, perfect for catching between my teeth gently as she bounced on my lap as I sat on the couch while some faggot shit she picked out of my record collection was playing on the stereo. 5. I didn't think there could possibly be a better Charles Bronson movie I never heard of than Mr. Majestyk (which I watched a month or so back; he fucks 1971 Salma Hayek in it), but then I got Once Upon A Time In The West, a Sergio Leone flick that ruled shit. For those that don't know, Sergio Leone is the guy who draws those weird little comics at the edges of the pages in Mad magazine. But he also made some westerns back before he got famous. Now, I'm pretty much just gonna netflix search Charles Bronson and watch every movie he did before 1976 that I've never heard of. When I used to buy shitty jazz fusion and outlaw country rock records at random, 1976 was always my cut-off date for good shit, because after America remembered it was 200 years old, it started being a cuntface about shit. 6. If I masturbate naked far out in the woods without anyone else around to see me, does that make me a pervert? 7. My service engine soon light kicks on, not every time, but about half the time, and it sucks I live in the nowadays, because it used to mean if that shit came on, late model style, your car was fucked. But now the dealerships know dealer mechanizing upon your ride is big money, so that service engine light might mean I have a blown bobbling fuse or my external window sensor is busted or something completely meaningless. It's hard to say. But I am of the mind, as well as financial situation, to check the vital fluids and if that's good, drive it long and hard, drive it drunk and wide, over top of anything that gets in the way of me sleeping in my bed after a long day of wandering away from my bed disgruntledly while pouring beers in my mouth.

Shining White Revue #1

Mike Dikk: I'm trying a little something new here for the sake of uniformity. Things that will (hopefully) become recurring columns/gimmicks will have a cute little banner (like the one seen above) that I make from scratch in my basement using wood shavings and spare pipe cleaners.

The first "column" is by my life long man friend, Jay Pud. Jay doesn't use the internet much, hence me posting this for him and doing the intro.

Here's the explanation of his column. Every week, I will give him three current singles without telling him what they are, and he will review them in real time while he listens to them. At the same time, I will provide you, the reader, with a chance to download said songs, but since you use the internet unlike Jay, you probably already have them. Since Jay does not use the internet and doesn't care to be a music dork, or even listen to all that much rap music in his free time, his opinions and views will be completely genuine and IN YO' FACE, which is something that we may be seeing on the internet for the first time since the 90's, and possibly the first time ever on a blog.

Don't worry, every week I will explain this concept over again until you get it.

This is where my part ends, the rest of the words are Jay's.

__________________________________________________________________________

Song 1: Aesop Rock - Non Shall Pass

Jay: This guy is white. He has to be. Because I can tell that he is white without knowing who it is, he loses a few points off the get-go. The beat is pretty good, though. I almost wish I had a looped version of this beat playing constantly through the tumultuous times of my life. I think he’s going all militant, too, and as much as I hate it when black rappers do that, I hate it even more when white rappers try to do it for them. I guess if I said that this was no good I’d be full of shit, though. The “I’m trying to help” sample just further proves my point about the aforementioned white rappers “trying to help.” They shouldn’t.

Song 2: Wu-Tang Clan - Watch Your Mouth (From the upcoming 8 Diagrams LP)

Jay: This is obviously Wu Tang, and I knew that before they told me that it was Wu Tang. I can sniff Wu Tang a mile away like a fat sweaty vagina at a hot dog stand. And like most white people, I like the Wu Tang. Unlike most white people, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m not that hardcore of a guy. So while I’d listen to this if it came on in someone else’s car, I’d never spend my own personal free time listening to it. I don’t see anything wrong with being a passive Wu Tang listener, because I just don’t give a fuck, because I’m not from the mean streets, I’m from the trying-to-be mean streets but really just drug addled white streets. On my streets, people love the Wu Tang because they make white people feel like they knifed somebody. I never knifed anybody. My brother did, and it was scary as fuck. So is it good? Yes. Do I care? No.

Song 3: Soulja Boy - Crank Dat

Jay: If I had to guess I’d say that this guy’s name is Souljah Boy. This sounds like any of the other Three-Six mafia type stuff that my untrained ears have been exposed to. I think he just said either “Soup’s Up,” or “Supersoak,” but either way I can imagine this as the type of garbage that white people listen to really loudly in their cars to prove their blackness. I’m actually surprised he didn’t say anything about primered Honda Civics, but then again he might have. I didn’t really know what he was saying other than “Superman, HOOOOOOOOO.”

NFL WK 2: East division teams

I have abandoned my own blog because I think wasting my time on the internet is mad homo; except I'm also mad homo and feel compelled to waste my time on the internet. So I figure by doing some of my dumb shit on Mike's blog, it won't be as stupid of me, even though it will. I had planned on doing weekly rankings of NFL teams, rotating through the four directional divisions combined four times during the course of the season, then moving into the playoffs and shit. I watch a lot of pro football, not like as much as most dudes, but I don't watch much TV, so by watching like 7 hours of pro football a week, that's easily 85% of my weekly TV watching. Thus, if I write stupid shit about it, it enables me psychologically to feel okay about it. So here's your first one of the year.
I've actually devised a half-assed method of calculating this shit, which is complicated by a drunkard's standards, but fairly simpletonesque for actual online football dorks. And even after one week, I've noticed certain flaws in it, but fuck it, I'm a muleheaded fuckface and I'll stick by it till the end of the year.
So here's the first one, the two conferences' East division teams ranked, with their records and overall rankings according to my half-assed supreme mathematics included, you know, for your information and shit.
#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (1-0; #1 overall) - If there was ever a reason to think a team gets favoritism, it would be the Patriots. Every year, there's something beyond BELICHEK THA GENIUS explanations that need explaining. Like, how the fuck last year did Lawrence Mauroney drop down to them in the draft. Seriously, that'd be like Adrian Peterson dropping down till the Colts picked him this year. And then there's the Randy Moss shit this year. He just gets to go to the Patriots? There's nothing I hate worse in pro sports than some washed-up over-hyped vet pouting and stamping his feet until he gets to play for a contender, but lucky for me that usually is reserved for the fixed outcome confines of stupid NBA, which is a sport geared for wrestling fans who are too old to be wrestling fans. But this Moss to the Pats shit, and Adalius Thomas, who was like the premier defensive free agent, going to them too, it's like the shit gets stacked in their favor. And Tom Brady's running around impregnating supermodels while assistants are using cameras to steal signs from the other team and Bill Belichek runs around pretending the Cleveland Browns thing never existed. And then you look at Romeo Crennel who's getting the same early coaching genius failure build in Cleveland now that ol' dirty sweatshirt master motivator gameplanner god got back in the day. If ever there was a team to make me think this shit's fixed, it's the Patriots. If we go to war with Iran this winter, then I'll know the Patriots are gonna win the Super Bowl and Pat Tillman will be honorary captain and they'll beat the Saints to remind us that national tragedies aside with FEMA failures and shit, we kick serious international ass with our high-powered offense and cybertronic defense.
#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (1-0; #7 overall) - Oh man, Tony Romo looked like Mr. World Staubach 2.0 against the Giants on Sunday night, didn't he? Too bad he doesn't get to play a shoddy half-crippled Giants team every week at home. If there is one team that is early smoke and mirrors this season, it's the Cowboys. Their defense was suspect and their offense has T.O., who is as bound to flare up and leave ugly marks on the team as my genital warts are for my penis. Plus, if ever there was a pro football coach who looked like Ralph Wiggun all growed up it'd be Wade Philips. Jerry Jones might as well have hired a marionette to coach the team.
#3: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (1-0; #15 overall) - I will let it be known for those of you who are unfamiliar with the ridiculous prejudices that I proudly flaunt, I am a lifelong Redskins fan. The first year I can cognizantly remember was Joe Gibbs' first year his first time around, when they won their last six games to finish 8-8. I think I was 7 that year. So I lived through the glory of the '80s, and then the endless suffering that's been the Dan Snyder era. It's hard to have hope when you can't be like, "Oh, I hope they get a good running back or linebacker," but you just want the owner's helicopter to wreck into the Potomac River so the dude dies and somebody who's not so meddling takes over. However, this year seems to be slightly different. They have some oddball characters on both sides of the ball, old school types who fuck the cheerleaders and seem apt to end up wrestling professionally one day. Still, all they did was beat the stupid Dolphins at home, so even though they're #3 in the eastern divisions, they're right in the middle of the pack in the entire league.
#4: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (0-1; #20 overall) - What the fuck happened to Donovan McNabb? The Eagles seem to have abandoned him completely, not just by drafting a young QB, but the whole football media meme of "This is Donovan's last chance." Isn't that dude only like 29? And he didn't he play at Syracuse for like seven years? Why is he considered done and moving quickly into next year's Air McNair veteran black quarterback to a middling contender to give them enough viability to sell jerseys position? I do like the whole storyline of Andy Reid: Coaching Genius with Delinquent Sons though. It's a harsher version of the Tony Dungy kid's suicide story, more geared for a for-real white coach, and I can only hope the Eagles make the playoffs so I get to hear seven thousand stories about how much he's overcome this season in his personal life, what with drug-addled kids getting raped in jail and shit.
#5: NEW YORK GIANTS (0-1; #21 overall) - It is not just my Redskins fandom that makes it so, but there are few teams where it's harder to find the biggest piece of shit on the team than the New York football Giants. I mean, for obvious starters you have Jeremy Shockey, who has all the mouthiness of a former Hurricane running back wrapped up in the under performance of a former Hurricane tight end with the goofy thickhead longhair of a Carolina Panthers linebacker. But then you also have the shitty camp-skipping pussiness of Michael Strahan, with his overblown "don't know if I want to still play" schtick, finally coming back all stubbly faced to look aged and philosophical as opposed to melodramatic football diva he actually is, in all likelihood a trick he learned in phone conversations with his homeboy Brett Favre. And then you've got Tom Coughlin, who I remember reading would only sign devout Christian free agents in Jacksonville. I mean, Joe Gibbs is a staunch born again destroyer of satan, but he also understands the locker room benefits of kooks and crackpot characters. Coughlin seems like some sort of Promise Keeper appliance store owner trying to make his salespeople read Pat Robertson tomes. However, Eli Manning getting injured makes them an even worse team, and they weren't that great to begin with. They backed into the playoffs last year, which was probably engineered by NBC to give Tiki Barber more luster on their panel of Sunday night analysists; and this year should prove to be a comedy of tragic incidents.
#6: NEW YORK JETS (0-1; #22 overall) - I know it's football dork meme to be all like, "whoa, Jets fans are harsh, cheering for Pennington to have a broke leg or whatever." But let's think about it - most Jets fans are from where? Most likely either white dudes from Queens or white dudes from Jersey. And most of those dudes are piece of shit Americanized Italians, or Gentilized Jews. So when some pretty boy kid named Chad Pennington (total '80s movie star prep star quarterback nemesis to the loveable loser skater kid type moniker) hasn't given you five Super Bowls in seven years, when he sprains his ankle on a play against your arch-nemesis team who's geared up to kick your ass, yeah, you're gonna cheer. Because, whatever his name is holding the clipboard over there has got to be better. "And Wayne Chrebet. That dude was the sickest. They need another Wayne Chrebet." Jets fans love Wayne Chrebet because he was a loser white fucker who made good in the NFL, and in him, they all see themselves. Still, I expect the Jets to move up within the East teams this year because Eric Mangini is the genius son of a genius and the NFL will give him, being in NYC, all the genius coach push they can give him.
#7: MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-1; #25 overall) - Poor Cam Cameron, inheriting an impotent offense and a defense led by two dudes (Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas) that are a thousand years old by football standards. What I noticed most watching them blow every chance they were given to beat the Redskins last Saturday was that they have two Samoan rookies on their starting offense - a bushy longhaired center whose name I can't remember because I could never read it under his shaggy hair and I'm a visual person, and a starting fullback named Reagan Mauia. The fact some Samoan family whose kid was born in I'd guess around '85 or so named their boy Reagan, that's a feel good story. I bet the dad works in a sugar factory or he does construction and the mom stays home and takes care of the seven children. I actually read a long-winded article in the Washington Post this past preseason about Samoan football players and in American Samoa, which is not for-real Samoa, there's four high schools and each team has like 75% of the boys in the high school go out for the team. They practice year round because they're not stifled by homo full-on American educational athletic limitations, and they play on fields with hard chunks of lava all over the place. Plus, like 80% of the starting seniors end up playing in mainland America (or Hawaii, which is where both of the Dolphins rookies came from) for a DI or lesser school, all of them stoked to get off the piece of shit island. Those that don't go pro end up forming gangs in L.A. Actually, that's another funny little thing I read recently. In Los Angeles County, there's more people who claim Samoan heritage than actually live in Samoa. I think the same can be said for Koreans and one other minor non-black-and-white ethnicity, but only the Samoans I can remember for sure. That's because of professional wrestling, which taught me at a young age to always be wary of Samoans.
#8: BUFFALO BILLS (0-1; #28 overall) - Here's the deal... the Bills suck. They have a starting QB who sounds like a 1920s industrial tycoon, and Marv Levy is their new general managerish brain, him being the guy who masterminded them losing four Super Bowls in a row. They had a dude get paralyzed in their first fucking game. Like, you have to be terrible, like mid-'80s Lions or early-80's Patriots, to have a dude get paralyzed on your team. You never have a Super Bowl contender have a wheelchair player, ever. It's always loser teams, to encourage you to feel sorry for them even more. However, the Bills have a new face with that Marshawn Lynch dude. If ever there was someone who looked like he came out a David Banner video, it was him. And being from California in college, you gotta figure he was an accused rapist or gang member or some nefarious shit for him to have not ended up at USC where everybody else who is good on the west coast goes to college. In all his promo photos, he's got that dog baring teeth but a human man flashing his gold grill look going on, combined with the dreads and weird finger arrangements with everything pointing in four different directions in ode to something the rest of us don't know about. So the Bills are gonna be better. But not soon, because thinking about old crusty ass Marv Levy with a QB named J.P. Losman is like thinking of Ted Knight in Caddyshack, and Marshawn Lynch upsets all that, but instead of Rodney Dangerfield, it's O-Dogg from Menace II Society, but full of Chris Rock's first HBO stand-up special jokes. I can't wait for Marshawn to drive his donked out '72 Caddy with Lambo doors into Levy's stupid 30 foot wooden yacht. Man, that scene in Caddyshack when Rodney Dangerfield is losing control of his boat and that black dude does the bug eyes before jumping out his john boat while fishing, not only is that a great moment in cinematic history, that's also the last sighting of a sambo-esque black man in major Hollywood releases. That's sad, because regardless of how fucked up racial stereotypes are, that black dude flashing big white bug eyes real quick before diving into the water out of the way of fellow bug-eyed man Rodney Dangerfield... that's some hilarious shit. Far more hilarious than imagining a gold grilled dude getting paralyzed in a football game, which I don't think the back-up tight end guy was like. But imagine some dude flashing gold teeth like an upset pit/lab mix, and then being all laying there helpless, with gold teeth in his mouth, ironic as fuck. That's terrible to think about. But... hahaha... that dude doing a double take with his eyes all bulged up at Rodney's boat coming at him... yeah, I feel better now. About everything.

EWA 21-40 Bulk Packages etc.

Only 20 more songs left on the tedious EWA 100 list. I re-upped all the old bulk packages and updated the Master List so you can warp zone your way to any entry your little heart desires.

Here were the last 20 entries in case you weren't paying attention:

#21: The Juice Crew - The Symphony (Part 1)
#22: A Tribe Called Quest - Scenario
#23: The Beastie Boys - Paul Revere
#24: Eric B & Rakim - Paid In Full
#25: LL Cool J - Rock The Bells
#26: Wu-Tang Clan - Da Mystery Of Chess-boxin'
#27: Doug E. Fresh & The Get Fresh Crew - The Show
#28: Boogie Down Productions - The Bridge Is Over
#29: Run DMC - Sucker MCs
#30: Ultramagnetic MCs - Poppa Large (East Coast Remix)
#31: Gang Starr – DWYCK
#32: Nas - Ain't Hard To Tell
#33: UTFO - Roxanne Roxanne
#34: Craig Mack - Flava In Ya Ear
#35: Common – I Used To Love H.E.R.
#36: Brand Nubian - Punks Jump Up to Get Beat Down
#37: Big Daddy Kane - Raw
#38: MC Shan - The Bridge
#39: Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth - The Creator
#40: Goodie Mob - Cell Therapy


Here are the Download packages. I'm sorry I'm still using Sendspace for these. I tried to switch them over to Sharebee last night, but Sharebee was being a real bitch, so fuck it.


EWA100

Songs 21-40
Songs 41-60
Songs 61-80
Songs 81-100

I am going to try my damndest to have this whole thing wrapped up by the end of October, because that's when I move, and I REALLY want it done by then.

Thanks for your continued enjoyment.