NFL WK 4: South division teams

I guess since it's in the third week of my pretend football knowledge, there might be a questioning ass homo who wonders how my highly mathematical power rankings system works. Well, I can't give it all away because I'm secretly working on selling the formula to Iran and Syria for futbol rankings to help their teams achieve World stage success like the post-Saddam Iraqi futbol team has (knowing the intricacies of my system allows a team to tweak their standings through the little things that help, i.e. unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, foreign-born kickers/punters, and how many players have their name covered up on their jersey by dreadlocks or Samoafro ponytails), but the basic gist of it is the teams are ranked in tiers that started at the beginning of the season according to Las Vegas odds for them to win the Super Bowl since if anyone knows football, it’s whatever Jewish dude Robert DeNiro’s character in Casino was based on. So you start with that shit, and then teams get more or less points depending on who they beat or lose to, and that shit doubles if you lose at home or win on the road. Then there’s a series of 17 intangibles I add in each week (some of the aforementioned extra credit categories), which gives us the overall rankings, from which I pick out the teams from both conference’s teams in the same directional division. Also, about 67% of what I just told you explaining this shit was complete bullshit. Still, there’s science behind it, to an extend, but who the fuck cares since football is more of a religious thing (which is why they play on Sundays)? If you want science go fucking watch some faggot ass baseball and analyze sinkerballs in slow motion, Beaker.

#1: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3-0; #1 overall) - According to the formula I have set up before this season began (I slightly tweak it each year, like any forever-thinking upon crazy shit tweaker would), the Colts are like not only the best team thus far this year, but like almost double better than the #2 overall team (the Patriots, for your information). They have won two road divisional games in a row, and even though their defense is a hodgepodge patchwork of guys who don’t really seem that good (plus pilfered in free agency by loser teams thinking, “HEY! This guy won a Super Bowl! He can bring Super Bowl mentality to our team and that’s all we really need to win a Super Bowl, even though we’ve had shitty drafts and shitty coaches for fifteen years in a row!”), they somehow seem to get shit done. You don’t have to worry about the offense because corncob pussyface Peyton Manning is gonna be awwduhbulling every play and pointing around and waving around like an overzealous halfwit hooked up with helping park cars at the Indiana state fair through locally affiliated social work agencies. The thing is, I hate Peyton Manning. Him winning the Super Bowl was great for him to give him that luster in the eyes of football writer dorks, but it also accelerated my attitude towards him. You see, previously, I was completely content with Peyton Manning never being able to win the big games. He could throw 5 touchdowns a game and I wouldn’t care, so long as he choked in the playoffs. But once he won a Super Bowl, that malevolent dream has been shattered. So now I hope for ACL injuries or paralysis or concussions that make him stupider. No shit. I know that’s not right, but fuck it, ain’t nobody right. Most of you fuckers are dirtbag pieces of shit, but you’ll get all indignant about somebody writing some shit like that for you to read of your own volition, whereas I just write retarded shit, but if I was riding down the road and saw a Peyton Manning on the side of the road broke down, I’d pull over the help him. Shit, some of my best friends are Peyton Mannings. It’s just that #18 on the Colts is such a motherfucking piece of shit stereotypical Peyton Manning... I mean look at him.

#2: TENNESSEE TITANS (2-1; #5 overall) - Ahh, Vincent Q. Young, enjoy this time in the limelight, you ignorant happy-go-lucky extra-athletic bastard. Because you are basically Michael Vick v2.0, and that means everything will turn against you once everybody realizes if they stack the box against you, you’re screwed because you never throw the ball with any consistency or regularity. Young scored the lowest score ever on the Wonderlick test (which is some sort of psychological test probably geared towards white quarterbacks the NFL administers to motherfuckers as part of its incessant barrage of useless information before drafting college kids into getting concussions and crippled knees) for a starting quarterback, but he seems like a nice enough guy. Like, I don’t think he’ll end up running a dogfighting operation and shit, but I also don’t think he’ll ever win a Super Bowl ring. Although maybe he will, because when it was basically Michael Vick vs. an invincible Florida State team for college crystal ball title, Vick lost, but when it was basically Vince Young vs. invincible USC team for the same crystal ball, Young got her done. I do often wonder how the fuck Jeff Fisher is still the coach in Tennessee all this time (I think it’s 15 years and he just signed an extension), which makes me think shit is fixed, because I used to wonder that shit about Bill Cowher and then he won a Super Bowl and now is like the most coveted head coach ever for next year.

#3: HOUSTON TEXANS (2-1; #7 overall) - Dude, straight up, Matt Schaub played near me in college, and that dude is a quarterback. I mean, beyond the shitty offensive line they’ve always had, they’ve never really had a for-real running back nor a for-real wide receiver. I mean, they’ve had dudes who were supposed to be this or that, but never really amounted to that much shit beyond maybe one good year. Schaub, alone, shifts the whole dynamic of that team, even if they do have the shittiest uniforms in the NFL. Plus the stupidest name.

#4: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (2-1; #13 overall) - Football incest kinda freaks me out. Jon Gruden is young coaching prodigy whisked away from the Raiders to help Barry Switzer a Super Bowl title out of Tony Dungy’s Buccaneers team, and his left-hand man on defense is that old ass Kiffin dude who coached under Hank Stram or whatever, and then that Kiffin dude’s grandson gets hired to be the youngest coach ever at Oakland this year. I think Bruce Allen was general manager at Oakland (or something similar), son of coaching great George Allen, and brother to former Senator from Virginia George Allen, who lost last year because he called some punjabi fucker a parakeet monkey somewhere where digital cameras from the digital age shockingly recorded it and sent it to the world via youtube. So Allen lost to Jim Webb. What makes me sad about this is every year at the 4th of July Volunteer Firemen’s Parade in Scottsville, the whole eight years we lived here, George Allen always rode a horse in the parade, looking like every redneck print shop owner ever, where every day was blue jeans and button down striped shirt day, but once he lost the Senator bullshit, he wasn’t there this year. You know what else wasn’t there? The airbrush store that used to be on Valley Street that I was gonna take my Cadillac Williams red Bucs jersey in to get a Cadillac logo airbrushed onto the front side since I bought it at the outlet store that sold mistake NFL jerseys for $6 or so, and there was no screenprint on the front, though the patches and sleeves and backside looked just like Cadillac himself had put it on and gotten transmogrified into a beer bellied dreadlocked bearded mountain man looking for an 18-pack, an 18-year-old slut, and a 36-year-old Maverick with a full tank of gas. I am no conservative by any means, nor am I a liberal by any means, nor do I vote by any means, but I would imagine the lack of a Senator present in the parade and the lack of an airbrush store are related somehow. I bet some egghead on NPR could explain that shit out though, and have little audio quotes from some Mexican lady whose husband got detented on illegal immigration charges at the chicken farm to accentuate his points.

#5: CAROLINA PANTHERS (2-1; #15 overall) - The Panthers have been that quality team that never gets over the hump for a long minute now. I think the initial infatuation with ignorant-ass sounding Billy Joe Delhomme is wearing thin, but David Carr is no answer to no real question about football successes. I feel bad because Steve Smith is like my favorite dude in the NFL, with his airbrushed cleats and shit. He's like everything Ocho Cinco wants to claim to be. Smith has done ridiculous celebrations after touchdowns (the rowboat thing was my favorite) yet he doesn't be all like, "Yo, you have to follow my touchdown celebrations, it's a stupid half-wit written soap opera meant to cover up my repressed sexuality." Steve Smith just does the shit. And he's stuck on this team of high end mediocrity. And what's up with Julius Peppers? He's been good and shit, but that dude was hyped up to be Football Dolemite coming out of UNC. I was expecting him to have broken a couple motherfuckers by now, but I guess going from college superstar in Chapel Hill about an hour away to pro superstar in Charlotte, he's probably groin strain deep in strip club pussy, which'll take the edge off of any man. I used to work for this dude who went to a bachelor party in Cackylacky and they hit up the champagne room ($75 minimum bottle, which meant some slut would be hanging with you and rubbing your leg the whole time), and this dude I worked for was talking shit on some Mexican kid who was all g'ed up and "wasting money" on a $150 bottle of champagne. I was like, "Fuck it man, you were both wasting fucking money to have some slut rub on your leg, he was just ballin'." Then I asked how many hired sluts were with the Mexican, and the dude I worked for begrudgingly said it was three, including one of the sluts who had been sitting with him. I am not one to use that term playa hater, as it's a cornball term, as is any term that is screenprinted in day-glo colors on t-shirts homeless crackheads wear, but soemtimes it applies.

#6: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-1; #16 overall) - The Jaguars are the South's Denver Broncos... they are consistently whatever, bland outfitted, and nobody seventeen miles away from their hometown gives a fuck about them. I guess Jack Del Rio was entertaining for a while with his retarded linebacker demeanor, with his chopping block in the locker room and then suddenly the day after the last preseason game cutting Byron Leftwich, but that shit's probably wearing thin on the 48 people who actually believe in the Jaguars. Haha, it's funny to think of Tom Coughlin and Mark Brunell being the cornerstone of anything at one point other than a deep water baptist church pancake dinner where everyone talks about signs to tell if your kid is possessed by pop culture's devilish ways.

#7: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (0-3; #24 overall) - The dream is over. Deuce McAllister is broken and behind a patchwork offensive line, Drew Brees looks like he did three years again when the Chargers drafted Eli Manning or Philip Rivers or anybody but Brees. 0-3 is not a good start for a shitty team, much less a supposed contender that got highlighted on opening night kick-off television. The post-Katrina healing magic is over. Now, Lil Wayne is making mixtapes in Miami and the government is almost done building bigger and better levees that'll kill like three times the black people next time. George Bush hates black people, Kanye West loves white women, and Saints fan can pull the paper bag headpieces back out once again.

#8: ATLANTA FALCONS (0-3; #32 overall) - The Michael Vick is Dog-Hitler thing really immersed the Falcons into suckland deeply, because they basically were there at most positions already, but Vick could scamper and stutter step enough merchandise off the shelves and TV analysist hype off the cuff to pretend they didn't suck. But they did. And they would've even if Vick was playing, just not so badly. Shit, they could've kept Matt Schaub, converted Vick to passing running back, and reanimated dead all too early monster offensive linemen from the past together, and they still would've sucked. That fat dude who was married to Tony Sopranos wife on TV is looking like a first class ass for taking this coaching job, but fuck it, he's still getting paid. I think the greatest thing I learned from the Michael Vick Dog-Hitler media barrage of stories was reading the paper one day and seeing that Billy "White Shoes" Johnsons is some sort of executive with the team, and he was still referred to as Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. I've always wanted to tattoo WHITE SHOES JOHNSON somewhere around my crotch behind where my pants would be even if I wore them slung low because of rap music, mostly because I think that shit would be funny. No chicks would know what it meant, and even if I went gay, I doubt the average gay dude knows what it would mean. I wonder if Billy "White Shoes" Johnsons still does that dance when something good happens?