Shining White Revue #1

Mike Dikk: I'm trying a little something new here for the sake of uniformity. Things that will (hopefully) become recurring columns/gimmicks will have a cute little banner (like the one seen above) that I make from scratch in my basement using wood shavings and spare pipe cleaners.

The first "column" is by my life long man friend, Jay Pud. Jay doesn't use the internet much, hence me posting this for him and doing the intro.

Here's the explanation of his column. Every week, I will give him three current singles without telling him what they are, and he will review them in real time while he listens to them. At the same time, I will provide you, the reader, with a chance to download said songs, but since you use the internet unlike Jay, you probably already have them. Since Jay does not use the internet and doesn't care to be a music dork, or even listen to all that much rap music in his free time, his opinions and views will be completely genuine and IN YO' FACE, which is something that we may be seeing on the internet for the first time since the 90's, and possibly the first time ever on a blog.

Don't worry, every week I will explain this concept over again until you get it.

This is where my part ends, the rest of the words are Jay's.

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Song 1: Aesop Rock - Non Shall Pass

Jay: This guy is white. He has to be. Because I can tell that he is white without knowing who it is, he loses a few points off the get-go. The beat is pretty good, though. I almost wish I had a looped version of this beat playing constantly through the tumultuous times of my life. I think he’s going all militant, too, and as much as I hate it when black rappers do that, I hate it even more when white rappers try to do it for them. I guess if I said that this was no good I’d be full of shit, though. The “I’m trying to help” sample just further proves my point about the aforementioned white rappers “trying to help.” They shouldn’t.

Song 2: Wu-Tang Clan - Watch Your Mouth (From the upcoming 8 Diagrams LP)

Jay: This is obviously Wu Tang, and I knew that before they told me that it was Wu Tang. I can sniff Wu Tang a mile away like a fat sweaty vagina at a hot dog stand. And like most white people, I like the Wu Tang. Unlike most white people, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m not that hardcore of a guy. So while I’d listen to this if it came on in someone else’s car, I’d never spend my own personal free time listening to it. I don’t see anything wrong with being a passive Wu Tang listener, because I just don’t give a fuck, because I’m not from the mean streets, I’m from the trying-to-be mean streets but really just drug addled white streets. On my streets, people love the Wu Tang because they make white people feel like they knifed somebody. I never knifed anybody. My brother did, and it was scary as fuck. So is it good? Yes. Do I care? No.

Song 3: Soulja Boy - Crank Dat

Jay: If I had to guess I’d say that this guy’s name is Souljah Boy. This sounds like any of the other Three-Six mafia type stuff that my untrained ears have been exposed to. I think he just said either “Soup’s Up,” or “Supersoak,” but either way I can imagine this as the type of garbage that white people listen to really loudly in their cars to prove their blackness. I’m actually surprised he didn’t say anything about primered Honda Civics, but then again he might have. I didn’t really know what he was saying other than “Superman, HOOOOOOOOO.”