Today, I am a tireless attention whore.
On the way home, I heard this new Ludacris song from the Fred Claus soundtrack. I dig it, and so after about 20 minutes of internet I obtained it for nefarious slowed down purposes. This is the first take, warts and all.
PLAY ME
And just so it doesn't look like I caught the holiday bug in the interest of self-promotion, here's a happy super merry Christmas thing for you and yours.
Idunno how frequent this will be, but today I will bring you two reasons why hip-hop will never die. Not ever. Not while the works of "Prime Time" Deion Sanders still exist, it won't.
Most of you only know him as the showboating jerk who played football for the Cowboys. What you probably forgot is his first album (Prime Time, natch) and its only single. Sanders's sheer arrogance exemplifies the rap hustle, the hood rich mentality that we applaud in our duffle bag boys now. Everything Diddy did in 1997, he learned it from watching Prime Time. It's possible Tony Yayo learned the dumb-out from this video. He has an En Vogue knockoff singing back-up, dancing and blowing bubbles over his bubble bath in matching outfits. "My libary card gon change into credit cards..." It's okay to hate, you know you want to. (Must be the money.) Make it rain Deion!
Up next, a rare classic. The Street Fighter soundtrack appears to be a convergence of awesome, however I have yet to hear it myself. If any of you readers of this pimptacular blog know where I can get my hands on it on the DL, hook a halfie up. Anyway, I digress - this soundtrack gave us a rare classic collaboration between Prime Time and Bay Area legend, HAMMER. The list of excellent things in this video includes (but is not limited to) the following:
*Jean-Claude Van Damme kicking it real big with the boys in a strip club populated by sumo wrestlers, UN soldiers, snake charmers and random biker white guys
*A jobber r&b group who don't even get namechecked in-song
*Deion's gold-plated throne, and what may be the En Vogue knockoffs from the first video
*The confrontation between Hammer/Deion/Van Damme and the movie's thugs, most importantly Miguel A Nuñez.
*Jean-Claude Van Damme: Dancing like a motherfucker
I'm filling this funk like 4 flat tires.
In less than 24 hours, I am moving from crappy Albany, NY back to crappy CT. This will not affect you the reader at all, except that I might be absent for a little while, but who cares?
Anyway, before I take another break from the internet (I've been on break from this site for like 2 weeks now) I just wanted to say that I don't know if the monthly 25 is coming out this month, since it's like 6% done and it's almost the end of the month. So if it doesn't happen this month don't become a whiny baby about it.
Also, the Fall Classics is moving along swimmingly, except we need two more entries before we have all 16. Please get in touch with a mix. A lot of people showed interest that haven't produced shit yet.
Here's what Group C and D look like until two more jerks step up. Spread the word.
Group C:
- DJ Swann
- Choplaruski
- Keenon
- D-Mo
Group D:
- Raven Wack
- Sun Diora
- ???
- ???
Ok, well I have nothing else of interest to say. If I get a break from packing, I'll put up Jay's newest Shining White Revue, but it will most likely have to wait until I figure out how to use internets in Connecticut.
EDIT: If you're board, please visit and register for the Kaiju.net message board. It's where the true internet creeps commiserate.
Intro: I need to take a break from writing critically about music because I'm burnt out. Plus I'm afraid I will get locked into this internet persona of being some kind of rap music dork. I mean, I guess I AM a rap music dork, but there's other things I'm dorky about, so it's unfair that you only get to see that side of me.
I used to be dorky about 'zines. If you don't know what a 'zine is, well I'm sick of explaining it. I'm sure you can find an informative entry about them on Wikipedia. If 'zines weren't completely impractical at this point in time, I'd probably put this blog on hold for a while and go back to doing those. Blogs and websites are fun and all, and you definitely have the potential to reach more people than most 'zines do, but there's something a lot more fulfilling about producing a physical copy of something and being able to hold it in your hands. I refuse to continue waxing poetic about 'zines because almost every poetic waxing of 'zines contains the "being able to hold it in your hands" statement and I don't want to become predictable and redundant.
At the end of my 'zine run, I kind of settled into doing 'zines that featured a lot of short slice of life type pieces where I'm very judgmental for the sake of comedy, and most people I know in real life would agree that's what I'm best at. Well that, and scathing, intentionally mean music reviews, but I'm putting those on hold.
So I figured I'd go back to doing shit like that to re-ignite my Writing Spirit. these Dance Party posts will be like a little mini-zine, except they won't be badly photocopied and you can't read them on the toilet. So they are really nothing at all like a 'zine, and more like your average blog post, except I feel I have a more interesting take on things than most other people (Most people who make blogs feel this way though.). I don't know how many "issues" of "Dance Party" I'll reach, but my average 'zine lasted until issue 4, so I'd say at least 4.
My new neighbor looks like a real creep.
Most Apartment buildings in Albany are real weird because they were built in the 1800's by Dutch people. From my understanding, the Dutch were a very small breed of people. Because of that, it's pretty common to get an apartment in Albany with a large wide open living room and high ceilings. If you're lucky, you'll even get one of the apartments with the sweet arched doorways. The problem is, since the Dutch were so tiny, and by my calculations they must have been the size of midgets, that most bedrooms are really small and make no sense at all if you're over 5' 3".
Besides that, it seems most of these apartments were even bigger at some point in time. So big, that a lot of future owners decided to split one gigantic apartment into two smaller apartments, all with tiny bedrooms. Right now, I live in a three bedroom apartment that's a fairly good size despite only having one decent sized bedroom. Right next door to my apartment is a very small apartment that at one point used to be a part of the current apartment I'm living in. If you go into my living room, it's rather obvious where they put up the wall to make one apartment with a very large living room into two apartments because they did such a shitty job of covering up the fact.
Usually when this is done, there's some consideration for space and the apartments are at least close to being equal in size. In this case, whoever did it was just like "Fuck it!" and made a normal sized apartment (mine), and then a tiny apartment for someone used to living in a prison cell.
I found this out because my former neighbor invited me over a few times to smoke weed. She was possibly the dumbest and most spaced out girl I've ever talked to. She didn't mind the size of the place because she lived in another dimension anyway. The "living room" to the apartment was about the size of a decent apartment bedroom, and the "bedroom" was the size of my walk-in closet. The kitchen and bathroom were converted from closets, no shit. Her refrigerator was a standard dorm room fridge, and the bathroom was narrow to the point that if you were over 200 pounds, you'd probably have a hard time dumpin inside of it.
She moved out or got evicted a month or so ago. That wasn't a big loss or anything, but I trusted my landlord enough not to let a serious creep move inside there. I mean, not many people are going to jump at the chance to pay $600+ a month for something smaller than a studio apartment in Albany New York, which has more than a plethora of cheap apartments to live in.
I haven't met this dude formally or anything, but I saw him yesterday chilling on our stoop in a wifebeater and smoking USA Golds. He was bald and looked like he's been through some shit. Now I have to make sure my door is locked at all times, which is a bitch to do, since Space Cadet Girl's ex boyfriend kicked in our door one night out of anger for some reason. So my landlord, instead of fixing that shit up proper, just kind of haphazardly nailed some new wood into the problem areas and now the door is a regular bitch to open and close. Now I have to worry about some jerkoff holed up in a 10'X10' apartment breaking in looking for shit to pawn for meth money in between his marathon sessions of pasting up model's pictures he ripped out of Women's magazines to his wall so he can later X out their faces with a pocket knife and masturbate to them.
Lucky for me, I am moving out of Albany in a couple months because I need an escape from reality for a little while, but until then, I have to live in fear.
Actually, my downstairs neighbor is a creep too.
He's a different kind of creep though. He's old and harmless, and possibly mentally retarded. You can smell the stench of cigarettes through his door, and he leaves AM radio on 24 hours a day. He also has the habit of leaving his door wide open for no apparent reason. This is how we found out he leaves his Christmas tree up year 'round.
One time, me and my roommate were walking down the stairs and he had his door open as usual. We looked inside, and he had a big piece of cardboard propped up in front of his Christmas Tree. He had written ATM on it in black magic marker and had a five dollar bill taped to it.
Also, a few months ago, we walked outside of our apartment and saw he hung one of those inflatable Spider Man toys you get from parades outside of his window with a sign attached to it that said "HELP ME!". We really should have gotten photographic evidence of this, but by the time we though of doing so, it was already gone.
I always see him at the corner store at any given time. From 7am to 11pm, dude is always there buying scratch offs. I know he can't have a job, and I don't think my landlord takes Section 8, so I don't know what he does. I don't know if there's some kind of Mental Retard program that gives you money and lets you live in an apartment and spend all your money on cigarettes and scratch offs, but if there really is, I may have to hit myself in the head with a frying pan a few times to see if I can collect. I'm sick of working for the money I use to buy cigarettes and scratch offs. (Just kidding. I don't buy scratch offs. I haven't given up on life just yet.)
Diet Soda is killing me.
In a feeble attempt to lose weight, I've switched over from normal soda to Diet soda. I should say, in a feeble attempt to not gain anymore weight, since I know you can't just lose weight by drinking Diet Soda. Only true fat people think that way.
I would bet 80% of my caloric intake is soda, which is why I switched over to diet. It's not that I constantly over eat (I do on weekends though, because it's fun), I just have a problem with never wanting to move a muscle and drinking too much sugary fluids. I figured if I drink chemically altered liquid that tastes like sugary fluids, I am at least cutting out 1000 calories a day from my daily lazy man diet.
I am not even that fat. I mean, I'm fucking fat, but I'm not fat to the point where grade schoolers would point and laugh at me. No one is thinking they could trap me in a giant box if they baited it with Big Macs or anything. I don't walk with penguin feet because my thighs rub together and I can see my dick when I piss. On a personal level, I'm teetering on the brink of fatness where I can't deal with myself though. So I know a change needs to be made. I'm starting off small with the switch to diet soda, so fuck you, leave me alone. I'd also like to let you know my main motivation to lose weight is so I can make fun of actual fat people with a cleaner conscious. There is nothing I love more than making fun of fat people.
Back to this diet soda thing: Diet soda sucks when you first start drinking when you're a lifetime normal soda drinker, but after a week you just get used to it, so I don't mind it so much. The problem I'm having is that my girlfriend keeps telling me how horrible diet soda is for your body because of all the mysterious chemicals they use to make it. I don't fact check shit, so I have no option but to believe her, and now any time my body aches or my stomach feels weird, I automatically assume it's the diet cola chemicals eating away at my insides. I am in constant fear that I will be the first person to die from diet soda now, and I can't just quit soda cold turkey. That's like telling Aquaman he can't swim anymore or taking gold away from The Leprechaun. I can quit smoking easier.
Deep down, I know diet soda isn't killing me, but I'm not so sure about it melting away my insides. I know they used to do tests to scare children in school out of drinking coke by melting batteries and shit with it, so I'm sure since diet soda is made with even more chemicals it has super battery melting powers. I now go to sleep having these nightmares that my insides look like melting wax and the diet chemicals have made my heart abnormally large and at any minute it will burst out of my chest cavity soaked and fermented in diet Pepsi.
The Last Five Records I Listened To According to iTunes Shoddy 'Recently Played' list:
1. Dizzee Rascal - Maths & English: Still holding up as my album of the year.
2. M.I.A. - Kala: Still holding up as my 2nd place album of the year, though interest is waning
3. Percee P - Perserverance: Doesn't suck as much as I thought it would, but it's only at "pretty decent" status right now.
4. Aesop Rock - None Shall Pass: This entire album is growing on me.
5. DJ Muggs Vs. SIck Jacken - The Legend of the Mask & The Assassin: Like Raven said, this shit is Sick Wacken.
Outro: Thanks for reading. I'd write more, but it's past my bedtime. -- Mike Dikk
Here's the deal. I've been looking to own this record for about eight years now. I blew my chances of owning a physical copy back in the early 00's when it was going for $20-$30. Despite the fact that no one buys new CDs anymore, collecting records has managed to persevere and has made a lot of records completely hard to afford. The last time I saw the record on Ebay, I went beyond my normal $25 maximum limit on a record and went up to $32, and the final price finished somewhere over the $70 mark. I am not that hardcore into record collection where I'm about to drop that much money on one record, and it's to the point where the CD sells for $20 at the absolute lowest, which is ridiculous.
I have finally come to the realization that I will never physically own this record. Now I will settle for an electronic copy. Unfortunately, even that's hard to come by. I remember getting an almost full version of the soundtrack from the old Audio Galaxy site back in the day, so I know it exists in electronical format.
So if any of you out there are currently hiding the Phantasm Soundtrack on your hard drive, please hook a cracker up, upload it, and send a link my way. I understand that this isn't a Dorky Nerd Soundtrack blog, but I'm hoping someone out there likes dorky nerd Soundtracks like me. I know it's still a long shot, but a nice fellow from that San Pasquale Ent. blog hooked me up with the Giorgio "Son of My Father" record, so I know blog dreams can come true.
Thank you for your time. Any of your help will be appreciated.
Hello Friends.
I just got back home from the long weekend over my girlfriend's house, so I felt I should tell you when to expect real updates.
The monthly top 25 will be a few more days. I was really expecting to come home and be able to post it, but it seems there's a couple slackers not doing their part at the moment, so hopefully it will be up by the 6th.
We have reached 21 in our tedious top 100 jamz countdown, meaning my next post will be a bulk upload of numbers 21-40, along with re-ups of all the other download packages. I know how much the internet loves downloading stuff, so internet rejoice!
That's all really. I think Raven might be starting up the Jambox polls again this week, or maybe he won't be. Who knows.
Oh, I also made this mix over the weekend. I'm not overly proud of it. There's an "I Choose You" medley that originally came out seamless, but then I had to fuck with some stuff and I fucked it all up. I had to work with stuff on my ipod and stuff on my girl's iTunes since I wasn't home, but it's ok to listen to I guess.
I don't have a proper tracklist, but it goes something like this.
Asha Bhosle - Jawani Jan-E-Man
DJ Shadow - Drums of Death
BDP - We In There
Theodore Unit & Bonecrusher - Who Are We
MF Doom - Hey !
Willie Hutch - I Choose You
Outkast & UGK - International Player's Anthem
Project Pat & Three 6 Mafia - I Choose You
The Sylvers - Only One Can Win
J Dilla - Two Can Win
De La Soul - Biddies in the BK Lounge
Quasimoto - Fatbacks
I'm forgetting the song right here...
Company Flow (secretly featuring RA the Rugged Man) - Help Wanted
Cypress Hill & Sonic Youth - Mary Jane
Outkast - Elevators
Download it right here
I would like you all to know, I added a couple new people to the site (besides Raven). I also added yet ANOTHER sidebar widget thing to show who the contributers are but I haven't filled it out yet because I don't really know WHO the contributers will be and I haven't thought of any clever jokes to put there since I've been suffering from Writer's Impotence over the past week.
First is a girl by the name of Sun from somewhere in CA. I know little about her as she is from inside of the internet. She works in the pornography business, but she doesn't work in the pornography business if you catch my drift. I find working in the porno film industry but not working in the porno film industry very interesting, and she sent me an e-mail asking to contribute, and really, that's how easy it is to get a spot writing for a mildly known blog. You need and interesting job and an E-mail address.
I am not really sure in what capacity she will be contributing in, since I believe we have varying tastes in music, but you know, whatever.
Second is my good friend Joe. He and my friend Kevin (and some guy named Mitch, whom I don't really know at all, outside of his rapping music), make cute little Youtube skits and they can predominantly be found over at the blog Cuddles Market. I would like to post their skits in order to give them publicity, but at the same time, I don't want to have to physically post their skits every time they make a new one because that would make it seem like I was riding their dicks, and I'm not. So I'm adding Joe and his lone job will be to post these skits that you may or may not find funny. Here are two of them:
Mini-Pepsis
Christopher Michael
That's all for now. Enjoy the rest of your day. Or don't. I don't care.
Nothing really to see here. I was planning on doing an update tonight, but I ended up slacking so there will be some new shit to look at tomorrow. I'm 90% sure the EWA Monthly 25 will be up, and if not, a $20 Record Challenge will be posted. I'll explain what that is tomorrow for those who don't know.
I am on my way to dreamland, but the following blogs have had some awesome posts over the last couple weeks so go check them out: Tree Beats, When They Reminisce, Wake Your Daughter Up , Poisonous Paragraphs, From Da Bricks, Hip Hop Isn't Dead & Gold Teeth & Broken Tapes Not to mention the EWA blog. (Rumor has it the EWA blog and Dumpin will most likely congeal into one big blog, which means Dumpin will either be updated 400 times a day or 3 times a month depending on how slack we get.)
(T. Fed & M. Dikk a couple years ago on New Years Eve.)It's been on the internet for an entire month now, so it could already be played out by geek standards. Anyway, here's Weng-Weng (Song is by THE CHUDs)
Hi dorks.
Unofrtunately, the EWA100 list will be going on a short hiatus while we regroup and get ready to write the rest of it. The monthly 25 is way behind schedule so we have to work on that. I'll still be updating, just not that list. I might throw up some reviews or vinyl rips. I don't know yet. I'm a free spirit.
Next post will be all the bulk downloads re-upped. Plus I'm going to use it as a master list for the entire EWA100 list and put a link to it in the sidebar, so you can find any specific entry you're looking for a lot easier than wading through 38 years worth of nonsense. So yeah.
Thanks to the two people who provided me with content for my ipod video. www.ipodarchive.com has some cool shit, and I haven't gotten a chance to really go through www.ipodgarage.com yet but I plan to soon.
I'll post up the next song in the countdown a little later. For now:
1. Blogsite, Music N Media has posted up a new DJ Kool Kid/Three 6 Mafia mixtape. I normally don't advocate downloading such things, not because they're possibly illegal, but more because they are usually horrible, and honestly, this "mixtape" sounds like it was made with Audacity, and I guess I could have done it myself and saved time not listening to all the DJ overdubs and promo crap, but in case you haven't heard, Three 6's next record got pushed back to July 3rd, and this weekend is like the beginning of Summer and you can't have summer without Three 6 Mafia. This mixtape is 95% old shit (There's a beat jack of "hustlin" i've never heard before and another track that sounds like it was recorded straight off XXL's streaming audio section), so it should catch you up with Three 6 in case you've been slacking. Go get that.
2. Stones Throw threw up a new podcast which is all Madlib remixes he's done over the past 10 years, all mixed together by J Rocc. Some of them are official remixes, and some are bootleg ones he did for fun. This includes that dope bootleg Nas remix of a song I don't know the name of that sounds like it could have been in the Logan's Run movie. It was also on the last Mind Fusion CD. Either go to the Stones Throw site, or subscribe to the podcast through Itunes if you want it. It's all free and LEGAL.
3. Speaking of i-things. Does anyone out there in cyberspace fuck with video i-pods? I have one, and I'm normally too lazy to rip DVD's into mp4 format, and I'm not about to pay for that shit on itunes, so I was wondering if anyone out there had cool shit in mp4 format or knows of a place where I can get cool shit in mp4 format. Not torrent sites though. Those things piss me off. If you are too shady to share your vast mp4 info with the entire world, feel free to e-mail me or hit me up on AIM: Mikedikkwst. I'd really appreciate some new shit to put on my ipod because im going away for the weekend and it would come in handy. THANKS IN ADVANCE YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
Hello friends. I just wanted to tell you I'm not updating this blog until the monthly 25 is ready to be posted, which in all likelihood should be tomorrow. Until then I IMPLORE you to go visit the EXPERT WHITEBOY ANALYSIS Headquarters site, since that usually gets updated once or twice a day. Also, this is my 101st post on this god damn thing. I'm awesome.
I got one of those chat boxes all the kids like. It's in the sidebar right before the links. Basically I'm just lazy and I want to people to leave their shills for their sites right on my own page so I don't have to do any extra searching and I can just sit here and eat icy white honey buns all day. If the thing pisses me off, and it probably will, because everything on earth pisses me off, I'll take it down, but for now, GO NUTS!
I changed the colors around so it's easier to read the extra long posts. Dark words on a light background is easier on the eyes, or so I'm told.
To celebrate, listen to: Skinny Boys - Jock Box
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