Shining White Revue #5

Mike Dikk: After a long hiatus, Shining White Revue is back. This is the part of the blog where I give my friend Jay some rap songs to review, but I don't tell him what they are. Since he doesn't know his asshole from his elbow when it comes to rap music, it produces interesting results. Jay has also started his own blog called Dastardly Latchkey, if you want to read stuff where he actually knows what he's talking about.

Song 1: EMC - We Alright

Jay: I think this guy read my diary. I can identify with pretty much everything he’s saying, and that’s further evidence that I would make a crappy rapper. I don’t know if I appreciate the sincerity, dislike the contrived sincerity, or want to eat the summer seasoned cod I can smell from my oven. I think it’s the fish first with the other 2 tied for second. I do get a feeling that this may be Jesus Rap.
I think I’m actually impressed that this dude made a song about pretty much breaking slightly ahead of even. If this were my song I’d have a line that went something like, “What it feel like when you fuck a girl with herpes. Then it’s okay because you didn’t catch the herpes.” I mean, I appreciate the sentiment of this song, but fuck it, I don’t want to be completely identified with. I want the identifying to sneak up on me like a fucking ninja Brownie selling cookies and shit. At first, I want to be a little put off and creeped out, and then I want to subtly realize that ‘Hey, we’re all brownies in this world—just a bunch of Brownies hustling cookies, trying to spray that cheese on our crackers.’
These guys are into Jesus. They have to be. Fuck them. That’s how those Jesus fucks get you: they tell you everything you want to hear, how they couldn’t pay the bills, and how their boss was a dick, and how they sucked at basketball, and then found God and everything changed. I don’t like it when they give me The Watchtower or Awake, and I don’t like it when they sneak their love for the lord into rap songs.

Song 2: Torae - Callin' Me

Jay: I don’t know what the sample is from in this song, but I think it’s fucking Michael McDonald, which automatically makes this song a joke even if I am wrong. I’m assuming everybody looking at this is internet savvy enough to have seen Yacht Rock, and that means you know what I’m talking about. I don’t even hear what this guy is rapping about because I just keep listening to the sample, thinking of the dude from Yacht Rock who played Michael McDonald with a headset on, singing these smooth lyrics around a bunch of g’d out fuckwads who are all like, “We’re gonna come with that Michael McDonald shit and blow this bitch out of the water. Pass the dro cuz it’s about to get smooth as fuck in here and I need a slightly sedating hallucinogenic to calm my nerves. I can really use a massage, so do you think we can order one of those Chinese girls that work in the spa? You know, like room service? Do they do that? Can I order a massage over the phone?”
Anyways, another trend in rap that sucks, and I’m not sure gets much recognition as its own type of jammy jam, is the ‘I keep trying to quit doing/selling crack/weed/hoes but they keep pulling me back in because I was so good at it that they offered me this huge raise and I just couldn’t refuse’ song. I’m sick of that song. Here’s my message to whoever this is: I don’t give a fuck about your rapping, and I don’t really think you’re that good of a crack dealer/doer (whichever it is), so maybe you should just walk away and stop hanging out with the people who keep on pulling you back in, like other crack dealers. They are obviously a bad influence. Maybe you should apply at the post office, or even at UPS if you don’t mind working a condensed shift. I hear they have great benefits.
Also, again with the Nas shit. Nas should make it so he gets paid a dollar for every time someone mentions his name and his last album title in a song or interview. He’d have like… 200 bucks, easy.

Song 3: Solaris Earth Pipeline - Good & Formulaic (demo)

Jay: This is awesome. THIS GUY KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! READ THE FIRST REVIEW! The beat is insane, and lyrically I don’t know exactly what he’s talking about because I’m typing as I write it, but he said something to the effect of ‘I make you think you’re a part of my crew. That’s what I do,’ but much more cleverly, or at least in tune with the song. I can’t even make fun of this. Sorry. I cannot wait to find out who it is so I can steal it.
It’s going to be awesome when Mike tells me that this is Snow or some shit. Then, I’m either going to have to write a note in my next review saying “Dudes, I was totally joking. That shit was wack. It was reverse psychology I was running on you. LOL,” or I’m going to have to be like, “Fuck it, guys, I like Snow. I can man up and admit it because I am an idiosyncratic dude who can like gay shit because I fess up to the gay shit I like and that exempts me from being gay because I get the joke, am sort of in on it, but am sort of outside of it. So, really, you guys are the ones who suck because I am on a different level.”

Song 4: Cam'Ron - Pass The Dutchie

Jay: Pass the Dutchie. Hahaha. Not really, though. Pass the Dutchie is one of those songs that would be so trite to sample that nobody would ever touch it, but everybody would be like “Yo, we should sample Pass the Dutchie. Nah, fuck that, we’re not twelve.” I can imagine Trick Daddy trying to pull something like this off because he is a borderline retard/idiot savant, but even then, it would be crappy.
I can’t even listen to this. I don’t feel like I’m giving you your fake money’s worth with these last two reviews so I’ll write a little m ore garbage, and maybe then I’ll meet my word-per-cent quota. But I’ll listen to this song throughout so as to keep it all relevant.
I went to a Brownies meeting today. My daughter is a Brownie, and my wife was at work because she is my sugar mama, so I had to take her place in line for Brownie-Mom-Who-Brings-In-Snacks. I walked into the room and found out that my daughter is getting skull fucked by these two overweight soccer moms. First, they have this thing called a triad (or something that sounds like the word triad that my mental dictionary could not match up with a logical definition) which is where they sit all of the little girls in a circle and make them chant some bullshit to the effect of: “We swear allegiance to God, the United States, and to the fucking Brownies who use us as pedophile candy with cookies,” and so on. Then they made them promise to cook a healthy dinner for the family one day this week (my daughter is eight and can’t microwave a fucking Hot Pocket), and then made them make coupons for everyone in their families’ promising to do stuff like clean, or feed an animal or something.
Then the triad broke up and the two fat soccer mom bitches made them go to the table and make the stupid coupons. They left the kids to do their thing, and the brown haired soccer started yelling at her other little daughter who tagged along, while the blonde haired one yelled at her daughter who was a Brownie for making a coupon that said “I will clean my sister’s room every day for a week.”
She said some shit in front of all her little Brownie friends, like, “HAHAHA, yeah right. Try something you’ll actually do. Why would you clean your sister’s room when you can’s even keep your own room clean,” and on and on.
Needless to say, I’m not gonna let my daughter do that shit next year. I’d pull her out now but she wouldn’t understand and my wife wouldn’t go for it. I’m probably going to write a more detailed account on my website sometime, and that’s one of those shameless plugs that’s not meant to be a shameless plug because I’m running out of steam and this fucking Pass the Dutchie song is making me want to eat a bowl of doo doo brown. So, Pudskowt, out.