NFL WK 8: North division teams

This is the first week where my drunkenly half-assed mathematical ranking system seems to be flawed pretty badly, but I am no scientist at heart... I trust intuitive nature and stubbornly sticking with a plan till the brutal end. So I will keep the weekly rankings going according to the stupid shit I set up at the start. I guess I could just randomly pull rankings out of my ass each week, following all the football expert memes of how "OMG! Only two real teams and a few contenders and a bunch of FREE AGENCY ERA SHIT!" Fuck it man, it's football. And this is a stupid weekly list where I pretend I know more shit than anybody else because I sit on my ass drinking beer watching the bullshit. Except I don't pretend. I don't know shit either. I'm just some dude on the internetz, talking up the Game of the Egg, as an illegal Mexican cat I used to work with would call it, all trying to be derogatory, with his stupid assed tiny soccer ball bag hanging from his rear view mirror like a single nutsac. Of course, as I deride futbol, I’m sitting here watching Footballer’s Wives on DVD. I’m gonna write some motherfucking scripts for this shit as a football team in America. That shit would be huge. Anyways, the stupid rankings this week...

#1: GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-1, #6 overall) - Brett Favre passion for the game plays like 13-year-old linebacker mentality last glorious run young defense could it be blah blah blah. With no running game, I give it another three weeks, four at the most, before the rest of the NFL is like, “Oh yeah, let’s blitz the fuck out of Favre, and watch him heave four or five punt-like interceptions down the field.” I also saw some shit about how the Packers have that name because of the meat packers union buying their uniforms the first year or some nonsense. Which conjures up all that corrupt union mafia shit, Vince Lombardi in Green Bay namesake of the Super Bowl trophy, and this might be Favre’s great last run, as booked by whoever the real life Robert DeNiro in those big old man Jew glasses in Casino is.

#2: CHICAGO BEARS (3-4, #10 overall) - If stupid Brian Griese can play even halfway decent, what’s left uninjured of the Bears defense might get fired up and carry them to a wonderful run. Except let’s be real, Griese is still a shitty QB, just not constantly shitty like Rex Grossman. Still, stumbling through to a 9-7 record in the NFC might get you a home playoff game.

#3: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (4-2, #11 overall) - If I had to rank these eight teams free from the confines of my stupid system, I’d probably put the Steelers number one. Maybe I listen to too much sports radio though, as the talking point bullshit is Patriots #1, Colts #2, then the Steelers. And I really like Mike Tomlin, but the Steelers are vulnerable because Roethlisberger is apt to fuck it up here and there. Although with that big goofy mug of his, he looks probably more likely to back up Mac Davis on the North Dallas Forty than any other NFL quarterback.

#4: DETROIT LIONS (4-2, #12 overall) - I had readed an article of recent link in my electronic mailings about how that Inuit dude Jon Kitna was now a born again Christian and how he's all, "Yeah, we pass all the time, that's what we do. Plus we pray together, and I convert dudes into loving up on some Jesus shit. That's just how we roll." First off, even if Christians doing physical combat on a team called the Lions is sorta funny, but not really because you have to know history bullshit for it to be funny, and even then it's not really funny, just a weird little slice of irony. And irony is stupid because it's become a synonym for stupid faggy things hipster college dumbasses do. This will probably be the best post-Barry Sanders season the Lions have had. They're really building something special with 17 first round drafted wide receivers finally getting whittled down to a couple of them plus a former defensive back from the Rams, all masterminded by genius Mike Martz and executed by a living, breathing Jack Chick pamphlet.

#5: BALTIMORE RAVENS (4-3, #15 overall) - I used to always wonder how the Ravens kept Brian Billick, the most self-absorbed self-hyped piece of shit coach the NFL has had in decades, but now that his hairline is blowing up and his cheeks are puffing out and he's looking like a third older Belushi brother not born with any sense of humor, I like these decisions. Because eventually he'll get cast aside, and no other team is gonna want a fucking blowhard douchebag coach who already mediocred his way through something like ten years in stupid Baltimore. Maryland is the most identity-less state I think I've ever been to. Even fucked up states like Indiana and Alabama are fucked-up so carry that personality, so you can find nice little niche corners of good times. Maryland has the personality of one giant abandoned strip mall. The women have no ass and they like gay music. Eating a fucking crab does not make up for it to me.

#6: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-4, #19 overall) - Adrian Peterson had that break-out performance a couple weeks back, so head coach Brad Childress decided to assign an assistant coach to keep track of Peterson's touches and Chester Taylor, who was their previous starting running back, to keep them more even. This led to a shitty showing for Peterson last week since he didn't get much of a chance to do anything, and they lost a close game to the Cowboys. Brad Childress clearly is more geared to being a baseball manager, overthinking stupid shit and thinking numbers mean everything.

#7: CLEVELAND BROWNS (3-3, #21 overall) - The Brady Quinn era has been sidetracked by Derek Anderson performing Tecmo Bowl style off the bench. It's actually funny as shit that the Browns traded their opening day starting quarterback before the second week. Charlie Frye will forever go down in history as the quarterback who basically got dropped off at the bus stop after a bad game. I visited Cleveland last year one time and got really fucking high and was having a hard time dealing with those weird fuckers. It's like the hopelessness of the midwest, but they've got like a 20% yankee accent going on too. It confused me, and I was forced to eat pancakes at a shitty roadside waffle house and flirt with the ugly yet beautiful sorta rican waitress until I could partially sober up enough to make the long forced straight drive back home to comfortable scenery. She smiled at my flirting one time a sad, acknowledging, "Sorry, I'm a slut, but not that much of a slut; if things were different we could've raised mutants of our DNA together amidst our mostly self-created poverty, for as long as it was still sometimes fun, and then we'd split, full of hate for each other, yet tied together by our genetic intertwinement."

#8: CINCINNATI BENGALS (2-4, #25 overall) - I don't think there are actually any Bengals fans out there, just mostly Ocho Cinco fans, who are more akin to NBA fans who latch on to tomfoolish characters more often than a home team of some sort. The Bengals are really a stupid team, with their high-powered offense misfiring, and I'm not sure they have a defense to really speak upon, which is odd since Marvin Lewis was supposed to be the defensive black head coaching genius saviour of black people quarterback sacks like L.T. turn the Bengals around. And I guess he did turn it around since folks thought they were gonna be good this year, but nobody seems too shocked they're sucking it up either. That's their history, and you can't escape your history, no matter how fast or far you run. So fuck you, stop running. Settle down, find a nice vaginally unblemished mind slut to make some little creatures with. Get yourself a townhouse and make homemade porns when the kids are at grandma's. Enjoy your life. There's nothing wrong with having roots.