NFL WK 7: East division teams

My wife and kids are usually out of the house by like 7:30 on Wednesday mornings, which, me being self-employed, can sometimes lead to laying around to see the Price Is Right showcase showdown. But that shit didn't happen today because I was trying to motivate, and while putting the baking soda to my teethbones with the local radio jibber jabbering at me, they had a news item about some dude's $250,000 megamillions ticket about to expire, meaning today was the last day. I've had one of those tickets on my fridge for like four months, waiting to check it, but I didn't win the $200 mill, so I didn't really give a fuck after that. But I figured I should hold on to check that shit, just never did. Well, the news story got me all fired up and shit like, "Oh fuck, I might be that dumbass." And then I had visions of hitting the lottery office this afternoon, and having new rims on my truck by nightfall, plus a fresh tattoo of two happy looking pygmy goats eating from an intricate golden bowl full of flowers on my lower back. Lower back tattoos on dudes look awesome, no?
Turns out I didn't win $250,000, so I went and scraped a motherfucking barn for a neurosurgeon for a few hours, pressure washed the roof of it, afraid I would fall through the rotten beams and shit with my 240 lb. ass. That would be kinda awesome because I could break my back and not have to work for a while, except no insurance self-employed no workman's comp sucka ass screwed worse than before type bullshit. But there is football to allow me escape...

#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (6-0; #2 overall) - I have finally turned a corner on my attitude with the Patriots this past week really. I have always not minded them, I mean, it's a team mentality far more so than any other pro sports team in this era of big bucks free agency, so I've enjoyed them, all the way back to the tuck rule bullshit pissing off every Raiders fan ever for the rest of their poor pathetic lives. But I think all the "they could go 16-0" hype has finally just annoyed me and I kinda want Tom Brady to get his hips broken by Zach Thomas during an ephedrine rush. But on the other hand, I'd also like to see them go undefeated, just so those old Dolphins dudes who bust out the champagne, Cialis, and 45-year-old hookers every year when the final team loses, will go the fuck away. If you pay attention to the overall rankings I have, yes, according to my bullshit flawed in seventeen different ways system, they are behind the Colts still.

#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (5-1; #3 overall) - Tony Romo has that same light loafered gleam in his eye that Jeff Garcia always has had, so I'm figuring they're about two or three shitty games away from T.O. accusing Romo of being homo. When, of course, if ever there was a more obvious closeted gay in the NFL than T.O., then they never got much media coverage. Even though the 'Boys are doing good right now, as a Redskins fan, I am really enjoying this season as it progresses. When Jimmy Johnson set up the '90s Cowboys dynasty, it pained me greatly, and even when Switzer came in, you knew he could ride that horse for a few good years and a ring or two, which he did. But Parcells left behind sort of a half-assed wild card dynasty in Dallas, and Wade Phillips is like seven times shittier than Barry Switzer, but you can see his big goofy grown up Ralph Wiggum ass standing on the sideline hoping they eke out 42 points as the defense gives up 35, hoping he’ll have a chance to pump his fist like an old dude who just won a game of bocce balls. And knowing the Cowboys still have T.O., as a Redskins fan, it’s very satisfying, because it’s like they have a time bomb strapped underneath their team bus, and I’m watching it on TV, and everyone knows it’s there except for them. Now, just to wait for it to blow up...

#3: NEW YORK GIANTS (4-2; #5 overall) - The Giants have won four in a row, and in the mediocre is the new awesome NFC, they could storm to a Super Bowl appearance. Although, you have to figure with the two biggest figures on the team being cranky ol’ Christian curmudgeon Tom Coughlin and the first ever negro Montana Freeman Michael Strahan, there’s bound to be some sort of internal conflict by the end of the season, with the New York Jew media stirring up the shit at the bottom of the pot whenever they get a chance. (Haha, I don’t think it’s a Jew media that would cause trouble there; I just like making Zionist conspiracy comments every now and then, because it’s one of the few things that seems to still get a reaction from the godless everything is lulz internet demographic. Plus, I used to go to rense.com a lot, because I’ve got a UFOs over Mexico City footage fetish.) Also, on my shitty ass fantastical dork team, I’ve got that Derrick Ward dude, so hopefully Brandon Jacobs tears his ACL this week, because there’s no goddamned running backs to pick up.

#4: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (2-3; #11 overall) - I’ve been working at this lady’s house one day a week, and her kid, who’s like my favorite kid because he’s 9 or 10 and he’s got a great ass sense of humor already, but he’s an Eagles fan, so I’ve been razzing him pretty hard every week about how Donovan is gonna get cut at the end of the year to go to the Bears and they’re not really trying to win because Andy Reid wants to take a leave of absence after the 12th week to tend to his drug-addled boys, and they can get a decent draft pick and make a fresh start in two seasons after they rebuild with a couple drafts and then Michael Vick at QB. It’s fun, because children are so gullible, and if you lay out a whole line of shit like that in very serious form like you read it in the Koran twenty years ago and everything up to this point has been right on, the kid’s gonna get all wide-eyed and sad because his three Donovan McNabb jerseys are about to be as useless to his ass as his two Allen Iverson 76ers jerseys.

#5: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (3-2; #15 overall) - The Redskins almost played a defensive lineman on their offensive line last week. The fact they’re even 3-2 when five of their top nine o-linemen have been injured this year already is amazing. They had this gigantic nappy-headed bad ass rookie free agent cat who fucked himself up last week, which made me sad, because he was already like one of my five favorite players. And their top practice squad o-lineman, he got arrested for drunk in public and resisting arrest, and if you’re a star linebacker, you can get out of shit like that, but if you’re on a practice squad, that’s usually a good move to get dropped, especially if the head coach is a born again old dude with an Andy Griffith “golly me” attitude. Still, they are my Redskins, and this team has a better assortment of fuck-ups, cut-ups, and wacky fuckers. Shit, Rock Cartwright is a crazy-named special teams nutjob who talks interesting nonsense, and he’s only like the third most interesting running back on the team. (FYI, of course Clinton Portis with his costumes and general goofiness is ahead of him. He gave away like 200 pairs of sneakers and all his pimp ass clothes before the season, because it was taking up too much space. Also, the Redskins have Mike Sellers, who you know how some players have a linebacker mentality? Sellers has a pro wrestler from 1979 mentality. He dyed his beard blonde and likes to run into things on purpose like any good fullback would.) They might not end up making the playoffs this year, but I can safely say I would imagine the Redskins of 2007 would have the best players-only picnic of any team. And that’s not just me being a homer.

#6: BUFFALO BILLS (1-4; #26 overall) - Too bad that dude who didn’t get paralyzed could’ve died and had his heart transplanted into the Bills otherwise below-average team. When your season highlight is “that one dude ended up not being paralyzed”, that’s not a good football season. The other night, I did google news top story searches for every other English-speaking country, just to see how high Britney Spears registered with the rest of the World, and the top Canadian sports story was some noted conman fuckface bragging on how he was gonna get the NFL to come to Canada, and everybody was like, “Yeah right, fuckface.” And then, like three days later, the story came out that the Bills were gonna request permissions with the NFL to play games in Toronto. For once, the internet taught me something before everybody else knew about it, except I didn’t really give a fuck about the NFL in Canada, so I didn’t tell everybody. I guess I could sit around and waste my life and look for moments like that, blog them, and upload rare breaking songs like this “Celebrate” track by Ghostface featuring Kid Capri I’m bumping, but fuck that noise. In real life has far too much beautiful pussy to talk to the faces bodily attached to said pussy for me to be wrapped up in the blogosphere.

#7: NEW YORK JETS (1-5; #29 overall) - Remember when Eric Mangini was the next coaching genius of the NFL? And then remember when he snitched on another coach about some shit every coach does? And then remember how the Jets couldn’t buy a win after that? Shit is mad fixed, brah. I bet Chad Pennington would be perfectly healthy if he was playing in Minnesota or Tennessee.

#8: MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-6; #32 overall) - It would be great if the Dolphins could go 0-16 to match up with the undefeated ‘72 Dolphins. In fact, I’d rather see that than have the Pats or Colts go undefeated. And every year while the ‘72 Dolphins are popping corks when the last team loses a game, the ‘07 Dolphins will be sitting around, spinning the chambers of their pistols, and as the last team wins a game, they close it up and just sit there looking at the pistol shaft, contemplating giving it that one last fellatio.