Nas Was Right, Damnit! Case In Point: T-Pain

I'd like to preface this by saying: generally, I am not a radio listener. Meaning, I prefer to listen to old mix cds I made when I'm in the car (My car doesn't have a tape deck so I can't hook up my iPod that way, and I'm not all cool with the built-in iPod connection. Not to mention that no matter what anyone says, those FM things for the iPod suck major hairy man ass), or else random tracks on my iPod or iTunes depending on where I am. However lately in the car in the morning I have a tendency to listen to morning radio. Don't ask me why.

In any case, why is it, can someone tell me, that the artist you happen to hate the MOST right now is the one that you hear on EVERY god damned station? Now, I've been sorta ambivalent towards T-Pain for a while. Basically meaning that I've been trying to ignore him and most everything else out right now. But the other day when I was driving home from work and I was bored of all my mix cds, I tried to listen to the radio, and what happened? I changed to THREE different stations with three different formats and yet ALL THREE were playing T-Pain. As I refer to in the title - Nas was right. Hip Hop IS dead. When all the local "hip hop" stations are playing T-Pain's shit and calling it music, that's when you know the genre has suffered a serious blow to its vitality. But I digress. After howling with unbridled fury that T-Pain was stalking me via radio and I couldn't kick him in the balls, I sat there in my car, in rush hour traffic fuming about this. (Yes, this is the kind of shit I think about and get angry about. I know its dumb. Sue me.)

First of all, who the fuck out there is listening to T-Pain and thinking that's some good shit? I mean, let's be honest. Dude is a broke off new school version of Roger and Zapp. Before you get your panties in a bunch though, I really LIKED Roger and Zapp. When I used to kick it with my gangster homies in the barrio (Yes, I really did, stop laughing) we used to drink Presidente (Yeah, sometimes I drank Boone's Strawberry Hill instead, I'll admit) and listen to oldies and Roger and Zapp. "I Wanna Be Your Man" and "Computer Love" are STILL my jams. ANYWAY. Dude can't rap, and he can't sing, so what does he do? He falls back on the tried and true music industry trick - SYNTHS. Yes, synths. This is to mask the fact that he's got absolutely no talent. At least when Roger and Zapp did it, they did it with style, Roger didn't cover up the notes he couldn't hit with some fake ass synthesizers over his voice. And how did this guy get a god damned record deal to begin with? What the fuck is that about? All I know is, it must be nepotism in the record industry at its best because I've got way more talent than that guy and you don't see me with a record deal.

Second of all, the content of ALL his songs is shit. I mean, his first hit was "I'm Sprung". I have never even listened to that song in its entirety because the first minute of the song is shit. And all its about is how dude hooked up with a chick, she must've been good in the sack and then she ditched him and now he's all sad. Insert eye roll here. Second big single?
"I'm In Love WIth a Stripper". Before you fools try to jump up with accusing me of being a hater, stop right there. I love strippers. I do. And as a matter of fact, I really almost hate going to strip clubs. I can't sit back there like you dudes do, chillin' like it ain't no thing that this super hot bitch with a great ass is shaking it in my face. I wish I could. I am ALWAYS all excited and happy when the girls get up on stage and can really work it. I even clap for them and squeal like a retard. And then there's always this one hot stripper who either puts her ass in my face or makes out with me, and I'm immediately in "love". The kind of love that involves feelings in my pants, that is. Anyway. I don't hate on T-Pain for making a song called "I'm In Love With A Stripper" but it seems like all he can do is make songs about clubs and bitches. This doesn't quite compute in my brain because sure as hell before he made it big he wasn't picking up on bitches at the club. I mean look at him. The dude doesn't even TRY to be something better than he is, he can only make songs about clubs and bitches! Come on, "Buy You A Drank"??

Third of all, since when do hip hop artists think that they're so cool that they need motherfucking MASCOTS? Yes, mascots. In the "I'm In Love With a Stripper" remix video, you can see the T-Pain Bear.



Yes, he's got a mascot that's a bear. And...for you dumb shits out there, just in case there was any question who this bear was and why he's in this music video, on his STOMACH, the words: "T-Pain" are printed. Now, the closest thing I've seen to this is Kanye's college mascot, but the only appearance I've been aware of, of it was on the cover of his first album. And if I'm not mistaken, Kanye's the one wearing the costume. Its supposed to be SYMBOLISM. T-Pain just has a god damned mascot for pure self-aggrandizement. I ask you...WHY? Why would you think, if you were T-Pain, that you were SO awesome that you needed a mascot? Or maybe he has a low self esteem and has the bear follow him around to help pump him up? I mean, not even one of the cockiest sons of bitches in the game right now - 50 Cent, has a mascot. Dude's got a god damned water, but no mascot. One of the most commercially successful artists in the game, Jay Z? No mascot.

Nas, you truly are a prophet. Or you were talking about shit artists like T-Pain who there's no excuse for. And if I could talk to Nas, I'd ask him if he feels like punching babies when he hears artists like T-Pain actually making it and selling records. If someone knows why this dude has a record deal AND why he's apparently popular enough to be played on every god damned radio station at all hours of the day, holla.