NFL WK 20: Conference Championships teams

So you probably asked yourself, "What the fuck will stupid ass Raven do now that there's only four teams, since his bullshit system he never explained is all fucked up anyways? I guess he'll write bullshit about the four teams and get half the games wrong again, haha." Well, you'd be a wrong motherfucker if you thunk it that way. Because, sure my team ranking system went hoo-ha at the end, which shows you math ain't worth a fuck when it comes to heart. But still, I feel compelled to keep this shit rolling in sets of eight, because that's how I've rolled all year long. So I split the teams up into offense and defense and that made eight. But how to rank them? Just off the dome, or hodgepodge other shit I read elsewhere and pretend I'm the originator of some common sports ass memes? Fuck all that noise. I broke it down to organic compounds, took myself four newspapers, five magazines, and eleven websites, ingested all the numerical knowledge, combined that with a scientific calculator, abacus, some I Ching sticks, plus a book on Rorshach test blob analysis using semen stains I left in between sheets of lavendar and pastel green tissue paper the past week. I put the motherfucking science to the metaphysics and came with it, crunching numbers and intuitive deduction, doing reiki on rosters, and I got a number. You see, all these faggot washed-up jocks with blow-dried hair who roll with the picks and are like "70% WINNERS GUARANTEED! Here's why..." and they claim they have crazy science and insider information. I'm not claiming science. Fuck science. Take your science and shove it up your fucking white asses. I trust my gut, calculate up some math, and feel what's right while looking at stars in the sky, not on the flat screen. Know what I'm saying? So I took all this crazy data, took some codeine pills, sat in the back yard in the frozen tall ass grass that breaks now since it's frozed up which is why I didn't cut it since July anyways, and figured this shit up. So here's my rankings of the two sides of the ball of the four teams still dancing, with the motherfucking rankings of ultimate reality on the back end inside the hugging arms punctuation. Know what I mean? (Also, check out the retarded football blog I started up, but not just with my stupid shit but a bunch of stupid fuckers stupid shit - ARMCHAIR LINEBACKER! Okay...
#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS OFFENSE (hypernerd power variable 10.752625) - The Patriots offense, even if it has sort of seemed slower than 5th gear overdrive lately, is still by far the most dominating bullshit left in the playoffs. But what up now? Randy Moss, it turns out, was beating some stupid bitch like he beat cornerbacks on the deep slants all year round. It's extortion or six-figure offers were made or what the fuck who cares? You knew Moss was gonna fuck up eventually. Knew it. Dude had been quiet for a few years when it came to the showing his ass activity, but he'd been quiet on the field too. A man start catching touchdowns like mad, he's gonna start feeling that swagger again, talk with that West Virginia drawl, go down to Orlando and smack up some slut. Will that affect the Pats high-powered attack? Fuck no. It's the NFL. All these dudes smack up bitches, being football holds that old school mentality dear. What could screw up the unstoppable Patriots mechanism of six-pointing is shitty windy weather, oddly enough. You'd think a cold city team would be built for smashmouth football, but the Pats are not. Tom Brady's pretty future President on the hundred dollar Visa promissory note does not have hair made to be mussed by cold winter winds. And Maroney and company have not yet proven they are the backfield destroyers when completely necessary. But still, that shit works both ways, and the Patriots merchandising Illuminati positioning within the NFL, combined with the 25-year plan to make Brady 33rd degree freemason grand wizard theodore unit head of America’s underground government based in the mountains of West Virginia will probably “lead” them to victory. It’s been a great run for them this year, and I was pissed to be gypped out of that Colts/Pats match-up, which I guess they’re saving for next year so as to not take away from the last hurrah Brett Favre’s Super Bowl memory parade booking that’s been set in stone since the middle of October.

#2: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS DEFENSE (hypernerd power variable 6.900375) - Yeah, when I figured this all up, the Chargers defense came up second, which makes sense I guess thinking about it hard. Merriman, when properly supplemented, is a monster, and Antonio Cromartie has stepped up to be the defensive back field bastard Quentin Jammer was sposed to be. I think the Chargers defense will be trickier for the Pats than the Jaguars were, or whoever the fuck else. It’s a solid ass defense with some ballhawking ability that can throw six up on the board themselves, and if the d-line can sneak behind the front lines and slap Brady’s pretty face into the cold ground a couple of times, they might have a snowball’s chance in Foxboro to make some shit happen.

#3: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS DEFENSE (hypernerd power variable 5.580375) - Aging collection of Patriots standard bearers, mixed in with some even older free agents, and a couple of young ass studs, combining to be a force. but they’ve benefitted from playing ahead most of the year. The thing about this defense is, even with the old ass fucks they have, they cycle players in and out more than almost anybody. I mean it’s ridiculous how much they substitute in various packages, which is why I think the Peyton Manning super-animated audible machine of no-huddle housing it was the best match against the Pats defense. I don’t think P. Rivers has that same capacity, but we’ll see what happens. I’d expect the N.E. defense to do just like they did against the Jags and that’s bend bend bend and look not nearly perfect, but then hold it together enough at the end to let the offensive juggernaut move ahead for good.

#4: GREEN BAY PACKERS OFFENSE (hypernerd power variable 5.456625) - Good fucking lord, as much as I want to root for the Packers, I don’t know if I can handle two weeks of BRETT FAVRE SUPER BOWL newspaper stories. Green Bay has their shit coming together though, with dudes none of us heard of before this year making shit happen. Mike McCarthy got a contract extension out of this run, and really, to be honest, outside of that super-kid still sitting on the bench as the second string shitty QB, whoever the GM of the Packers deserves some serious ass credit for finding these jewels in the shitpiles of the NFL draft. Fitting a system is more important than whatever pre-draft hype, and they seem adept at getting guys that’ll work within the system. It kind of makes me sick to type that shit because it reminds me of Ray Kroc and McDonalds and subbing anybody at five an hour into the shit and it’ll work. Fuck that robotic android shit where you can plug anybody in with no concern for the individual. Except they don’t do that necessarily with Brett Favre at the helm. Remember, he’s one of us. He’s a regular guy in Wrangler jeans who plays with passion like a 12-year-old. And if you forgot, don’t sweat it, they gonna beat that shit into your brain the next two weeks if they win this weekend.

#5: GREEN BAY PACKERS DEFENSE (hypernerd power variable 4.099375) - Young stud linebackers? Check. Big goofy whiteboy defensive lineman? Check. Dreadlocked Boot Camp Clique looking ass cornerbacks? Check. Ginormous fat ass Chinese buffet five-times-a-week looking heart attack waiting to happen 350 lb. black fucker to stuff the line? Yep. They got it all, every Frank Caliendo doing a ten-minute All-Madden team skit stereotype you could think of on defense. (By the way, I don’t know for sure that Kampman dude is a white guy, but I think his name is Aaron, and I’d be hellafied shocked if a dude named Aaron Kampman who played in Green Bay wasn’t white. Now Cletidus Hunt, that’s obviously a black dude, although I’ve always wanted a son named Cletidus. A kid named that shit is gonna be a monster, regardless of genetics. But don’t let him go by Cleon for short, because then he’ll just be an unemployed drunkard always complaining about how someone else is causing him his self-inflicted problems.)

#6: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS OFFENSE (hypernerd power variable 2.599625) - Philip Rivers is a wild card, because he’s apt to fuck shit up. Did you see him last weekend doing like Hulk Hogan poses at the crowd in Indy? What a fucking fool. He’s a multi-millionaire quarterback in the NFL and he’s letting some drunk fuck in the crowd’s sound get inside his ears. Dude, young Rivers, you’re richer than fuck and could pay his mom to fuck his wife with a strap-on in the ass while she licked your balls. Who gives a fuck what some dude in the crowd says? Well, it’s obvious young Rivers does, which doesn’t bode well if they start riding him. Except he might get gimped up again and this week’s Todd Collins - Billy Volek - will stroll out and attempt to do the impossible. Seriously though, all the way back to his days behind Air McNair in Tennessee, Volek’s been one of those high end second string quarterbacks who’s really fucking good but not quite good enough to be your starter. Like, those years where you lose your franchise quarterback and have a couple of retreads like Kerry Collins and Patrick Ramsey in camp, Volek’s the guy who is the other part of the quarterback competition in training camp who might be the future, even though everybody knows he ain’t. He’s fucking Billy Volek. I think most of all, I’m amazed at how Norv Turner has not fucked up this team yet. Seriously, I’m amazed. It’s a testament to how well Schottenheimer had this team in order for Turner to be able to coast on fumes this deep into the playoffs. Still, with L.T. gimpy as well (even if the Chargers might have the best #2/#3 on the depth chart halfbacks in the league), if he can’t go buckwild on the ground, this could be an ugly game for the Chargers. And I’m torn. As much as I hate the Patriots now, it doesn’t overrule my hatred for Norv Turner, who I wish would get cancer and then raped in the ass while getting chemo treatment and catch the AIDS. Yet, I still have to pull for the Chargers over the Patriots. Maybe they can win but Turner will get crumbled on the sidelines during a play and have his femur shattered. That’d be my perfect scenario for the early game Sunday.

#7: NEW YORK GIANTS DEFENSE (hypernerd power variable 2.364375) - The Giants secondary is hodgepodge and the Packers will pick that shit apart. They’ve been getting by with their punishing defensive line and competent linebackers to keep things from progressing too deeply into the defense, but the Packers offensive line is not shoddy nor pussified. They’ll be able to hold off the Giants enough to give Favre time to do his choreographed bullshit theatrics. And this ain’t a regular season meaningless exhibition where he’s gonna lay down for his pal Strahan. They gonna get fucked this weekend.

#8: NEW YORK GIANTS OFFENSE (hypernerd power variable 0.135625) - Now Eli Manning is safe again and somehow the angle is it’s not that he’s a fucking hick retard with overrated status due to his last name but that Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey were holding him back. Do what now? Fuck a Eli Manning. I think the best thing that happened for the Giants is this Ahmad Bradshaw kid stepping up. He played at UVA at first, and was their next Tiki Barber, who is UVA’s ultimate alum for football. Except Bradshaw was a shady ass negro and got dumped from the team since UVA is an ultra-whitey school (allowing exceptions for Hindus and Orientals and the higher-minded mulatto-based minorities) and wasn’t fucking with his gully shit. So he ended up playing his career out at Marshall, and came into the NFL as a late round pick, deep on the bench. But he’s the closest thing to Tiki they’ve had at running back, and let’s face it, that’s how this team was built. Jacobs is a big punisher, but dude couldn’t catch a pass to save his overweight life. Plaxico’s been aching all year long and Amani Toomer used to be teammates with Harry Carson, and that Barney Rubble with tattoos tight end is out with a broken pride, so they’re gonna lean heavily on young Eli to make it happen. That shit ain’t gonna happen because he’s still Eli Manning, regardless of how the past few weeks shook out.