NFL WK 16: North division teams

So I’ve had Madden ‘07 for a few months when it got dropped to $10 once the newer shinier more important for you to consume right now Madden ‘08 dropped for $40, but never really got into it, as nothing compares to Madden ‘03 for the modern era (meaning on computers) for me football game dorking. However, I came to the conclusion after reading John and Mike talk up wrestling game dorking that I was stifled not by the new game but by my allegiance to the Redskins. In Madden ‘03, you had Steve Spurrier before everyone realized he sucked, and I could just run hurry-up offense and score 70 points on everybody. Today’s Redskins are punishers, but shitty at it, so the game is boring. Madden games, if you run a running offense, take far too long to play. I’d rather just run a high-speed offense and get the best secondary ever and just throw longballs all day long and complement that with interception returns galore. Straight up, that’s my recipe for success. So I decided to bust out the stupid Madden ‘07 and give it another franchise mode go, but I went with the Saints and a fantasy draft, creating a thuggish ruggish team full of young knuckleheads. Eli Manning, Steve Smith, Ben Watson, Steven Jackson, offensive line of fu manchu white dudes and negroes with names like D’Brickashaw and Pork Chop. It’s been great - I won a Super Bowl the first year, but am struggling with mediocrity the second year due to faggot Madden artificial intelligence injuring all my dudes like an asshole. But the bigger issue is how it has confused me with my for-real NFL watching. You see, mostly I draft regular players (meaning non-skill positions) that look awesome but I’m not too aware of, even though you try to get guys that are young that Madden game brain is gonna eventually pretend are awesome even if they suck in real life (like Eli Manning), but now I’m starting to see these players in games and it’s bothering me. Mostly because I don’t want to give a fuck about Omar Gaithers or Rocky Boiman. Madden football franchise mode super-dorkery, for me, is much more fun once you’re like 10 years down the road and it’s all imaginery fuckers and like maybe Devin Hester and Vernon Davis. I also feel conflicted about giving so much psychic energy to the Saints, who are ahead of the Redskins in the NFC wild card hunt. Me rooting for them, even in a fake game, but being a Redskin fan, could accidentally trigger Saints success, much like how the Monday night game I never gave up on the Redskins even though I logically should have, they scored two late Santana Moss touchdowns to beat the Cowboys. We all possess amazing powers, especially when you suspend science and bullshit that needs proof to be validated. Anyways, this is just a forewarning that I’m deeply immersed mentally in fake world where I go to bed at night imagining highlight reels of my interception squad or A.J. Hawk crippling Rex Grossman (who plays for the Falcons - hahaha, they’re having a shitty couple of weeks in even fake Raven plays Madden football world), so if I accidentally say some shit that doesn’t make sense, it’s partially because I’ve been rotting my mind with electronic stimuli, and partially because you’re a stupid fucker, most likely, just speaking on law of averages and shit, so don’t take it all personal...

#1: GREEN BAY PACKERS (12-2, #5 overall) - Reason #3000 I've realized I'm getting old is I don't hate Brett Favre. It is standard fare for young hipster fags to be contrarian by nature and hate popular stuff and like irrelevant things to show how we understand the misunderstood and are ahead of the curve and secret geniuses, not hipster fags. However, I'm about to turn 35, and whereas I easily hated every great quarterback during my life like Joe Montana (softcore Joe Namath with frilly mullet) or Dan Marino (white man jheri curl throw for 3 million yards to Mark Duper and Mark Clayton but never amount to shit worth nothing outside of Christmas time Isotoner glove commercials) or Phil Simms (when a pussy puts his penis inside another pussy and makes a kid what does it end up being? Chris Simms, poor kid) or John Elway (horsefaced conman) whoever. But for some reason, I just can't hate on Brett Favre. I'd like to think I'm not just another chump ass brainwashed by the "linebacker mentality" "plays the game like a kid" surly '70s/'80s coaching kook talking point, but maybe I am. Favre was drafted into the pros by the Falcons around the same time I graduated high school, and now that there's only like 19 NFL players older than me, him being one of them, maybe rooting for a fucker like Favre allows me to hold onto my fleeing youth. I've got a couple white hairs sticking straight out my scraggleweed beard, and my days where being drunk and going "Haha, watch me roll down this flight of stairs and not hurt myself at all, ain't it funny as shit" have compounded into some achy ass bone connections, even a couple of outright misconnections that cause me to walk like a cross between Fred Sanford and Weird Harold from the Fat Albert Gang. But I am hoping for Favre this year, hoping these young offensive dudes who came from nowhere can help him and his homeboy Donnie Driver ride with a competently rising defense into the Super Bowl. Of course, being an NFL conspiracist at heart, it makes perfect sense, with the obvious themes of REMEMBER THE ICE BOWL with Cowboys vs. Packers, and New Hotness Super QB Tom Brady vs. Crafty Veteran Last Generation's Last Star Standing QB Favre in the Super Bowl. I guess you could plug Peyton Manning into that last one as well, but somehow I'm able to maintain my hipster fag contrarian at-all-costs attitude towards that fuckface. It is fun to do imitations of him talking like a cartoon hillbilly though. THE FUTURE for the Packers involves one last hurrah for old Favre, then they spend twenty years trying to get back to that.

#2: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (8-6, #10 overall) - Charles Bronson was always playing an outsider because of his very defined non-accentual accent. If it was a western, he was the lone settled Indian, or if it was the South, he was from the long guy from out west, or if it was the modern west, he was the lone person in town who trusted spics. He'd say calm things with his weird ass accent, then bash motherfuckers with bottles or trucks and duck down in the blind spot to pop out and shoot you. And that made his wide face and long flat mustache a noble ass-kicking face, one that could rile you up to think some serious shit was gonna go down, even if all he was doing was a public service announcement about littering. The Vikings are on a roll lately, and things seem to be going their way, but I just have no faith in it continuing into the playoffs, because Minnesota is a natural long-time second fiddle in the NFL, and Brad Childress's face is the opposite of Charles Bronson. A face like that could never fire up a team to kick ass. Shit, he looks like someone on a sexual offender registry website. And because Childress looks like a sexual offender, whenever I hear the name Chester Taylor, it makes me think of the Chester the Molester cartoons in old Hustlers. That, in turn, makes me think of old Hustlers, which causes me to want to masturbate 95% of the time. The other 5% it makes me think of a picture they had of two Orientals laying in a bed, and there's talk bubbles above their head and the girl's says "I wanna 69" and the guy's says "Why you wanna broccoli with chicken right now?" THE FUTURE of the Vikings is a soul-crushing loss to the Redskins that ruins their playoff hopes, and a like a billion yards rushing next year for Adrian Peterson once he learns wily veteran ways of the NFL to aid his speedy talent behind that punishing offensive line they've got right now in Minnesota. I guess they should probably try to find a better quarterback than Tavaris Jackson, aka Quincy Carter the 2nd.

#3: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (9-5, #13 overall) - The black and yellow have not been playing as superbly as of late, perhaps because Big Ben has been ailing, and also perhaps because they've been playing home games in a fucking Vietnamese rice farm (perhaps in honor of half of Hines Ward's heritage). But overall, I think Mike Tomlin's done well to hold things traditional. I mean fuck, Bill Cowher coached for like 20 years and only won one Super Bowl, but people act like he's coaching Jesus waiting to save another franchise from eternal failure whenever the money's right. But Cowher basically just did the same shit Chuck Knoll did, and he was the one who coached them to four Super Bowls in the '70s, which I guess is why Cowher seems so great because it was the same shit that won five Lombardi trophies. Tomlin carries that same stoic emotionless face, just instead of a jutting jaw of anger, he has the burning white eyeballs of black fury. THE FUTURE for the Steelers is hard to say, because when they go 13-3, they fuck up in the playoffs. But if they go like 9-7, they win the Super Bowl. I would expect them to be able to upset either the Colts or Patriots if they get it together and Herr Roethlisberger isn't all gimped out. But they could also just easily lose to either the Jaguars or Browns in the wild card round. But I will guarantee that Troy Polamalu will continue to be awesome the whole way either way. My man Black Conner of the stoner rock ensemble RPG told me some wacky pro wrestler sounding bullshit about what a kook Polamalu is, but I can't remember all the specific details, just that it made him awesome. Knowing or remembering things is for faggots anyways; real dudes just do shit. And Troy Polamalu is a real dude, but most of those Coconut Island players are.

#4: CLEVELAND BROWNS (9-5, #14 overall) - The Browns are America's favorite underdogs right now, slushing through the snow and using their mad science field goal sensei to win eggball games. Now this fool team, led by a quarterback nobody ever heard of before, might even win their divisional title and get a home playoff game, with the snow blowing in off Lake Erie, and drunk ass hog jowled working class stiff dicks whooping it up... that's motherfucking football. Fuck a dome and fast teams and spread offenses. Kellen Winslow the Soldier has made it almost through his first whole season, and Jamal Lewis is playing again like he's about to get to sentenced to jail for letting friends broker coke deals on his cell phone. Remember when Charlie Weiss was the Belichick offspring genius and Romeo Crennel was the fat loser fuck who was overrated? Also, remember Charlie Frye? I don't even remember where they traded that guy (was it an NFL Europa team?), but he was their opening day quarterback. I bet his professional football ego needs assuaging like a motherfucker right about now. THE FUTURE of the Browns is to be an enjoyable collection of cast-offs and never-wases, that capture the hearts of all us freedom-loving, beer-drinking, football fan fuckheads until they lose and we're just left with the last four asshole super teams we're inevitably gonna be left with.

#5: DETROIT LIONS (6-8, #17 overall) - I think Matt Millen makes most of his general managerial decisions based on run-throughs on Madden, which is why he always drafts wide receivers. He probably won the Super Bowl three years in a row with Jon Kitna and Mike Martz three years in a row, so thought that shit would translate to real life. Seriously, how the fuck does Matt Millen still have a job? I mean, this year they start strong but then crumble to another nothing of a year, so I guess he can blame the coach and get him fired to actually make Mike Martz the bonafide head coach. But how many coaches can Millen throw under the bus before the Ford family finally gets it together? Also, does the Chevrolet family own any sports teams? And how come I can't get a vinyl sticker for the back window of my truck of Sorta Calvin pissing on a Cowboys star? THE FUTURE of the Lions is eventually fielding an offense of five wide receivers every play, in a super Martz genius offense run by Tim Tebow at quarterback. They will score 40 points a game, but give up 43 points a game, never win a playoff game, but inflate fantasy football stats everywhere.

#6: CHICAGO BEARS (5-9, #20 overall) - If I had a dollar for every white dude between the ages of 25 and 35 who is a lifelong Bears fan because when they were a kid at an impressionable age and rap music was first making the young dicks of white ears all hard with jungle sexuality, they were still kids who loved the football because it is what boys do that aren't Dominicans or rural dipshits (both of those play baseball), they were mesmerized by "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and it made them be Bears fans. Ever since, the Bears have sucked, except they might win like 14 games in the regular season and then suck, but it still ends up in sucking. But if I had a dollar for every dude like that I know, I'd have enough money to buy one of those authentic stitched number jerseys, and I'd get an authentic ass Walter Payton jersey, like in whatever color is most awesome to those lifelong Bears fans who were little white kids who thought "The Super Bowl Shuffle" was the greatest shit ever, which I guess is the regular black Bears jersey, which I don't think is actual black but some weird ultra-dark blue that's almost black, or maybe too black like how really dark-skinned Africans look almost blue-faced, and I'd use this really nice expensive authentic Walter Payton jersey to... I don't know... I was gonna say wipe myself after masturbating, but that's not practical because I usually use bath towels for that, ones that have been in the hamper so they're already damp so it's like having a baby wipe for my masturbation, but not really a baby wipe because wiping off from jacking it with a baby wipe is too close to child sexual abuse for my tastes. I don't want to use something advertising a baby's fresh ass to wipe the saliva and cum off my dick. So I'd probably use the Walter Payton jersey... well, nothing funny I can think of makes sense, because most likely I'd just sell it on ebay. THE FUTURE for the Bears involves shitty quarterbacks, lots of shitty quarterbacks.

#7: CINCINNATI BENGALS (5-9, #24 overall) - You know, this is stupid that I make myself do this bullshit. Like, "Oh fuck, the Steelers already played and the next game is tomorrow night, I better hurry up and meet my completely fantasy deadline so that four fucking anonymous internet jackasses who don't even like football will read my stupid bullshit and maybe post a comment like 'Haha Raven Mack, you so funny, also here's my witty comment blah blah blah.'" And that's what I think. And see, I was even gonna relate that to Bobby Petrino and be like "Fuck dumb shit, quit when you hate it," but in the process of doing that, I would've actually done what I was acting like I wasn't doing. Which is exactly what I ended up doing here, but made myself feel better about being a fucking cocksucking blogospheric faggot by condescending towards you, as if we're all stuck in a giant fagland and you are lesser than me because you are reading what I wrote, as if the action of creating the fagland is better and less gay than just hanging out in fagland. So yeah. Who gives a fuck about THE FUTURE of the Bengals?

#8: BALTIMORE RAVENS (4-10, #25 overall) - It looks like the Brian Billick era is finally coming to an end. Ray Lewis is an old man doing his goofy pre-game dance still, looking like the drunk uncle at the family reunion busting an old school move when the DJ put on an old Ill & Al Skratch record. In fact, it's hard to think of even one hopeful aspect of their team. I mean, they have some punishers on defense still, but fuck, shouldn't they have actually had a halfway decent offense somewhere along the way by now? It also bothers me that a team that has the same nickname as my birth-given middle name would have such hideous uniforms. Couldn't they have rocked some lavendar ass alternate jerseys or something? THE FUTURE of the Ravens is rebuilding, rebuilding, rebuilding, which means sucking sucking sucking.