So here's the deal, since this one took so long to come out, I decided to experiment. I did the whole thing in PDF format, so now it's downloadable, and essentially printable (but I doubt anyone wants to sit around printing out 35 pages). There's a lot of pros and some cons to this format, so I'd like to hear your feelings on it, since you are the people reading it.
I'd like to say some stuff before you go yapping about how you feel though. First, it is incredibly easier to compile such a large amount of reading in PDF than it is in blogger, plus it looks a LOT better and more professional . Lastly, It's a lot easier to distribute to people, because all you have to do is pass along a link to download instead of hounding poeple in Cboxes to check out your site like everyone else does, and people can read it at their own leisure instead of constantly going back to the site and trying to find where they left off.
Ok, NOW you can tell me how you feel.
Some other stuff about this month's EWA 25. We added another member by the name of Charlie. He is some Canadian dude and this is his tryout month. If too many people think he sucks or something, we'll drop him.
Also, there are around 1,000 reasons why this one took so long to get out. Most of them have to do with real life stuff getting in the way. I also took over editing and compiling everything this month, which is usually Raven's dept. What that means is, I didn't actually edit shit because I'm not an editor. Having to compile everything is a real drag, which is why I ended up doing it in PDF. If you will notice, we all had a big argument over Jennifer Love Hewitt's Giant Ass and then I completely dropped out of doing the rest of the blurbs. Usually stuff like this would be hidden by clever editing and changing around the order of the blurbs, but that didn't happen this month because I was in charge of editing and simply cannot be bothered to do such things.
Anyway, this is a new, prettier format, but the actual content is a little rough around the edges due to me not giving a shit about editing and all of our combined apathy toward the project. I really hope you enjoy it.
DOWNLOAD DECEMBER'S EWA 25 RIGHT HERE!!!!
Oh, I should mention you need Adobe Reader (or another PDF reader) to view it. If you are some caveman that doesn't have Adobe Reader, you can go download it over here.
OK EDIT: It turns out all of the EWA 25 junk miraculously stays formatted when I cut and paste it into Blogger. The only thing that is lost is the pictures. SO now you can enjoy it BOTH WAYS. Still, any feedback on the PDF version is appreciated! Here is the text version of this months EWA 25:
DECEMBER EXPERT WHITEBOY ANALYSIS TOP 25 LISTINGS OF LB. FOR LB. SORTA HIP HOP TANGENTIALLY RELATED THINGS IN THE PUBLIC MEME (not necessarily in any particular order, other than the one we figured read easiest for a "tl;dr" internet fag like yourself)
WHO WE ARE
RM: I am three weeks into total sobriety - not just cutting out the illicit substances but I haven't even drank a beer in that time, which is probably the longest I've ever gone in at least a decade. I haven't really decided to quit anything, just cleansing myself as I felt heavy in the haze. I will probably go back to natural intoxicants - some reefer, homemade alcohols, wild lettuce resin, hallucinogenic plants - but I definitely reached a point where I was shocked at how much of my time was spent in idle wasted activities and how much macro-industrial poisons I was willingly putting in my body. I've been trying to spend far less time in front of electronic devices, and been reading a lot of xeroxed Zulu Nation Infinity Lessons this Puerto Rican dude I play ball with had from when he lived up in NYC a few years back. I think the cybertronic clutter of satellite signals and cellphone waves shooting invisibly through our airspace, combined with the hum of the computers we blog upon, causes us to get hung up on that negative ionic energy. I've got my tinfoil kangol slapped together though and I will attempt to bring the positive vibes like a Jungle Brothers 12-inch this month.
MD: I am Mike Dikk. I have been a real slacker this month. I haven't even bothered to write anything up until this moment, and I think it's like November 30th. I've been hunting for jobs which technically gives me all the time in the world to write because all job hunting is done over the internet these days, but being depressed about running out of money and being a worthless loser really got to me. Luckily, it looks like my job hunt is coming to an end, either by me getting my dream job in the next week or so or by a bullet to the dome. Tune in next month to find out!
KM: Do you know what I miss lately? Those BITCH I'M A SOLDIER posse cuts with the marching cadence beat and explosions that most No Limit albums had. I also miss a world where Deion Sanders and Cedric Ceballos would be allowed to record albums, because in that world I could buy them instead of being at the mercy of worthless shitbags on Soulseek. Ohhhhhhhh it ain't my fault. UH-OHHHHHHHHHHH
JD: John Dawson is an internet dude who has been in college for the last 25 years but at the same time is some kind of teacher. I don’t even know how that works. He also has a passionate hatred for the mentally challenged and is surely going to Hell for it.
BWT: Brian W. Toshman is a young dude livin’ the dream in Philly, PA, eating Cheesesteaks 24/7 and climbing those stairs at the Rocky building. He also works at a bar that Pro Wrestler Sandman frequents, so that’s pretty cool.
CH: Charlie is new to the EWA. He is from Moosebutt Canada and probably has a shitty accent. He has been added to spice up the mix since everyone else involved in the EWA at this point legitimately hates each other.
1. SNOOP DOGG'S "SEXUAL ERUPTION" SONG (click for video)
RM: If you haven't heard this yet, this may not ever make your ears because this is one of the most misguided attempts at a song I've heard in a long ass coon's age. But let's be honest, Snoop has made a long-career off of nothing really other than all the awesome shit he did with Dre before his first solo joint came out, which had some good moments as well, but after that, he's been a steady parade of lackluster. I think Snoop's good-natured, weed-smoking, pornographisizing character speaks to America's inner-fratboy, and we as a whole tolerate all his weak shit because he's an enjoyable dude, sitting on Jimmy Kimmel all chinky-eyed, talking about some wacky gangsta-made-good nonsense. This song, however, is about as terrible as it gets, being a song somehow even more stereotypically stupid than even you'd expect from the title, with Snoop doing some karaoke-singing through a T-Pain 3000 machine. It's one of those songs so shitty that I'm sure it'll get buried before they spend too much promoting it so that America's inner-fratboy goes, "Whoa... what the fuck is up with brah?"
MD: Between the time of Raven writing his blurb and me writing mine, Snoop saved this song by releasing the greatest video of the year for it. I don't know who the director was or if it was all Snoops idea, but whoever it was needs to win a fucking award. If it doesn't officially happen, I will do my part and mail the director one of those McDonald's coupon books that has mad Free Small Fry tickets in it. I used to hate getting those things for Halloween.
CH: Once upon a time if you were to ask me who I'd want to be for a day, surely snoop along with shaq or any random hot women (so i could masturbate) would have top the list. Who couldn't get down with his slick raps and worship for the old marijuana and chubby girls? I have first hand knowledge about how smoking weed can dumb you down and by all accounts snoop has smoked the most weed in history so my only explanation for this wackness is he has just gone straight retarded. If I were to be Snoop for a day now, I don't think I'd make it back from the trip. What the fuck was that video too? Mike Dikk must be spending his ebay money at Raven's old crack dealer too if he liked the video. Why'd it become so popular to bite? Forgive me while a go listen to deep cover.
KM: I am not sure if I'm allowed to like this song. The video fucking starts out boss with the 70's Soul Train graphic shit that would be awesome in a video edit with that Witchdoctor commercial. Nope, it's official: I dig this song. This is some Roger Troutman shit in the video, down to Snoop chewing on the vocoder mic. I'm throwing ideas through with stuff around this speed, so this will probably make an appearance. The surprise for me is that they picked this for a single with a video. But Jesus fuck, this is one of those goofy throwback joints people like Snoop put on albums! It's supposed to bubble!
BWT: Mother fuck Charlie and anyone who doesn't like this. It might be the best thing Snoop's ever done. I don't mean that as a diss to Snoop but really don't give me that 'Gin and Juice' nonsense this video is the coolest video anyones ever done. If the MTV video music awards exist in 2007 and are not done like on youtube or something this should win every single one of them. Awhile back, I read on allhiphop that Snoop is making his own beats and I can only hope this is the start of horrible Snoop made beats. Why should Snoop be swagger jacking T-Pain? T-Pain is a midcard dude, Snoop's in the main event. You don't rip off dudes who aren't on your level.
2. WITCHDOCTOR'S "DIARY OF AN AMERICAN WITCHDOCTOR" CD
JD: Fresh off the dork blog CONTROVERSY about dissing the Y-Society album, I am putting my OMG BEST RECORD PRE-EJACULATE 2007 HIP HOP ALBUM out there and it is this one. My criteria for the accolade are simple:
#1 - Even though I stole it, I buy it. For godssake it is only $10 at WilliamsStreet.com.
#2 - I have trouble removing it from my CD player and/or stop listening to it on my iPod.
#3 - It isn't made by gay art fags like what you assholes like.
#4 - It isn't made by an artist on the "new" Rawkus Records.
#5 - There are no white people involved.
#6 - People aren't jocking it as the best record EVER~!
I really dig on this, but if you don't I could care less. See I don't see the internet as SERIOUS BUSINESS and want my opinions to be everyone's opinion. You are all just faceless scrotum sacs that read this bullshit and take opinions personally sometimes. The internet is home for faceless losers who want to impart our own holy opinions of the faceless others. But what makes me different, is I am not like that. The only CBox you dicks will ever see yourself inside is the one on the side of the page. Ya heard?
RM: I probably won't go into a HAHA U A FAG THIS IS AWESOME I DON'T CARE IF U AGREE CUZ U A FAG & IF U AGREE I STILL LIKED IT FIRST U FAG self-defense mechanism rant like John, but he's right about one thing - this is a good ass CD. I really liked that one Nappy Roots song we talked up last month (or some month) but their CD fell off quick from beginning to end. The Witchdoctor CD is solidly even-paced from beginning to end, and it just further makes me wonder how the fuck the Dungeon Family with a roster of Outkast/Goodie/Ceelo/Witchdoctor/Killer Mike plus probably other shit I forgot about never made a collectively brainsmashing CD at some point.
I should probably also for the sake of previous biases mention how years ago, I lived in a trailer park (that's right faceless internet patron of the blogosphere - I am a white guy who likes the rap music who once lived in a trailer park, and I never went on Springer nor does my ol' lady have her name tattooed on her left tit in cursive letters, though that would be tight if she did, as long as she got some of those fake diamond bling cha-cha things tattooed on the highest curved parts), and I sold some weed to make the ends meet back then, and some college kids lived in the park including the punter for the local Division III team who was a white dude with the shaved face/dreadlocked head thing going on, and I would hang at his house and play dice and sell weed to his college buddies, and that dude pretty much only played two CDs when I came around being he knew I liked the rap music - the first Witchdoctor and Wyclef's Carnival CD. Witchdoctor has aged much better.
KM: I had planned on checking this out since Raven & John were raving about it, but what kicked my interest into high gear was watching Boondocks over the weekend. There was this advertisement in the middle for his album. I swear that shit was almost 2 minutes. At the time, I was typing but started wondering why I was hearing about a rap album long after a TV commercial usually stops. When I see this mock-up of a Soul Train compilation, I fell out laughing. I still thought it might have been a joke Macgruder played as part of Boondocks for a minute. Even if his album sucked, I was sold on the idea of Witchdoctor because of that ad. After listening to it a few times, it's like having an indy kinda-conscious vibe smashed with gangsta trunkbuster music. Content all the way to the beats, which flip between sounding like RJD2 and Dungeon Family at will. I'm not in the Best Of Year camp, but this is probably top 20 if I thought about making a list. And the DF did make entire brainsmashing albums together, but Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik is an Outkast album and Soul Food is Goodie Mob. I have unclean urges to screw & chop "The Barrel" and have since the second I heard it on that commercial.
3. JENKEM
JD: While we all have come to the conclusion in our little circle jerk that this may all be fake, I still have my doubts. Who the fuck knows if someone is crazy enough to huff feces? I think taking some sort of drug that has the potential to make me addicted and/or die off one use is much more crazy than huffing your poop. Sure you might have the taste of shit in your mouth for a few days, and might trip for a few hours, but I think that is getting off easy. My conclusion to this JENKEM shit (get it, shit?) is first, what happened to just taking acid or mushrooms to trip? I am out of the drug loop, but is that even around anymore? Second, I am a man with hopes and dreams and now one of them is to hear some kid tell another, "I am doing some SHIT after school, wanna come?" Or hear someone ask if they have the Butthash ready?
RM: I am fairly certain in my own mind this is more internet tomfoolery, one of those things where like one kid in Nairobi was trying to con some British reporter out of some ducats by telling him about all these homeless kids snorting dung mist, and then it hits the internet and one of those wacky websites where they collect wacky things in one place posted it up, and then every message board in the english-speaking world has a thread about it within 72 hours.
I think the thing I hate most about the internet is we've somehow ended up stupider. I mean, it's not like Idiocracy or some stupid shit like that, but fuck basically the majority of self-proclaimed not stupid people are like "HAHA THEY SMELL SHIT!" and lollerskate through their just as fucking ignorant piece of shit lives.
But hey, the internet is for entertainment purposes mostly, so if some bullshit third world story can get the white people rotflmaoing through another slow death day on the other side of the computer monitor, then great. Maybe it'll help the real estate market rebound and my landholdings will remain stable. My equity gains this past year just haven't been strong enough to the point I'm probably gonna have to start working on Fridays again.
KM: I have no problem believing the possibility that people in Africa would ferment shit and piss and huff it. My incredulity lies with its spread to the USA. This may be like how people didn't believe in AIDS until it got real and the next 5 years will see a steady increase in American Jenkem users & casualties. In the event of that, I will come back on the internet and admit to being wrong. Raven may or may not be hooked to the newer, more processed forms of Jenkem by that time. But yeah I call bullshit because while American youth will go to great lengths to intoxicate themselves, they tend to go for simpler measures that don't involve toxic poop concoctions. Airplane glue, gasoline, spray paint, pot - all of these things have varying degrees of acridity that sit clear on this side of "smells like shit." If they DON'T smell good, then they at least do a hell of a job making the user high enough to not fucking care. Crack and crank, for example, may well taste like shit when you use them. But I bet it feels good. Jenkem is supposed to make you feel like shit and when you wake up, you live out the rest of your days with breath to match how you feel. Remember that, Raven. Crack won't make you into Dragonbreath from House Party but Jenkem sure the fuck will. How the fuck are they going to have a cute slogan rhyming with "Jenkem"? I anticipate a bad pun.
4. THIS MONTH IN DIPSET
JD: Here is where more shit will sully up the comment box, but if we were to play the stranded on an island game and you gave me three MCs to make me tapes while I was stranded on an island forever it would be Ghost, Cam, and Slug. I have listened to the Public Enemy mixtape twice and each time I have picked out lines that either made me scratch my head or laugh. Fuck, the intro track may be my favorite single track of the century. Dude admitted to getting his ass kicked, then was talking about how federal agents would follow him whose job was watching Youtube. Goddamn.
I am not sure, and the album hasn't helped either, but I don't think Cam is even a part of Dipset anymore. But fuck it, you really might hate hip hop if you didn't enjoy this mixtape, album, or whatever. I think it is time we get our heads out of our asses and respect Cam as a lyricist that is more brilliant than 90% of the fags out there rappin' about love and peace or whatever.
RM: I will be the first to admit, on average, I have hated on some Cam, and it has nothing to do with anything more than that first single he had back 7000 years ago where he tells the chick he'll buy her the stuff Gretzky skates around on, then breaks down what that metaphor means in the middle of the song. I always thought that was mad chumpy, trying to explain how clever he was.
However, motherfuckers have been, as my racist grandfather used to love to say, educated beyond their intelligence, and if some rap crew comes out on some happy-go-lucky lyrical tip with some rip-off J. Dilla beats, people think because it goes through the motions of being clever, then it must actually be clever. But it's not. And John touches on something about Cam - that motherfucker is clever as fuck, whether he plans it or not. That "eye lazy" line is like the best shit anybody's written for music in at least ten years.
I've been reading a lot lately about paranoid schizophrenics in the late 1800s/early 1900s and the art they did during this time where psychiatrists thought art could be therapy for hardcore mental cases. It wasn't for the most part, but them folks made some crazy ass pictures for me to enjoy now, a lot of it greater than most shit trained artists could have ever hoped to make. Which is my roundabout Dr. Poindexter the egghead method of saying, sure Cam doesn't hardly try half the time, but even in hardly not even trying he's better than most. And I hate Dipset. I hate the stupid vocal samples, hate pink clothes, and wish Jim Jones would die from mouth cancer by next Thursday. But this Cam mixtape is fucking great.
5. 2007 UTOPIAS BEER
JD: Holy fuck. I just googled this shit and it is a beer that is... Well I will let this Lord Fauntleroy explain it:
"Samuel Adams Utopias is the strongest beer in the world, for starters. Clocking in at 27% ABV (alcohol by volume), this is a 'sipping beer' to say the least. In fact, this incredibly rich, sweet elixir has much more in common with a port, cognac or cherry than it does any beer you've ever tried. Though it resembles a conventional beer very little, or some would argue not at all, it is a beer nonetheless. Utopias is brewed with only barley, hops, water and yeast... believe it or not. To further confound the senses, this year's 'vintage' of Utopias is an amalgam of several batches - some of these batches have aged for up to 13 years in various woods, including sherry, bourbon, and Madeira casks. The result is a beer metamorphosis. A beer like no other beer ever conceived. A beer that is likely not for everyone.
The palate is immediately challenged with strong notes of caramel, molasses, vanilla and aged oak accentuated by substantial alcohol warmth in the mouth. You don't drink this beer, you breathe it in and slowly let the complexities of the liquid envelop the palate. This beer is a sensory experience. Another disconnect this beer causes in the mind of the drinker is the fact that this beer is not carbonated. Like other dark, rich styles it is also meant to be enjoyed at room temperate, allowing the subtleties of flavor to fully express themselves. There is little to cause you to think of Utopias as a beer at all, if you didn't know better. This extreme offering from Samuel Adams is at the very apex of brewing science. Beer just isn't supposed to look, smell, taste or feel like this, is it? Throw in the 27% ABV and you've got a truly 'alien' brew."
HAHAHAHAHA. I give Sam Adams props for doing this. I don't think this beer was in no way marketed for the real beer drinking people, you know why? People who really "drink" beer either fall into two categories - one, people who have a brand they love, and they drink it all the time, day/night, cold/warm, or summer/winter/spring/fall; and two, people who will drink some Fagmeister Winter Brew at the Yuppie bar that you never go into because every beer on tap is $5 and up for a pint.
This shit is made for rich, stupid people who think it is cool to drink beer out of some golden chalice. You know why I think that? As I was writing this, I was thinking if I was 20 years old and just got paid, would I buy this to show off to my friends? The answer is a resounding FUCK YES, so my opinion was born from that thought. And hey, it is my opinion, so die fucker.
RM: I was the guy who nominated this item because I read about it in the newspaper (yes, I'm actually one of the last 17 people on earth who buy actual newspapers and read them every day), complete with the little picture of the weird-shaped golden bottle, and I thought to myself, "Hey, that looks like the perfect item for Fat Joe and Snatch Storch to be waving around in a video, spilling everywhere, to show how they are so rich they just don't care about how they waste money." My racist grandfather used to call this - and you'll have to forgive my use of the word but this is the context old racists use it in - "nigger rich". I think a more appropriate term would be nouveau rich, but that doesn't really get across how wasteful that type of pseudo-rich person really is. For some reason, post Timberland boots "Flow Joe" powder blue mink jacket sell-out Fat Joe always epitomizes this to me. I think years ago I read some Source article about him where he and his crew had ordered steaks at some five-star restaurant but not eaten them because that was their style to show how they could buy an expensive steak even when they weren't hungry for it.
Utopias beer is $120 for a 24 ounce bottle, which is ridiculous because they got ice cold tall cans of PBR, Miller, and Miller High Life Light right at the counter of the country store for 99 cents each. Were I still drinking, I could get 120 tall cans for the price of one Utopias, and I would imagine slap me into most social situations I've been accustomed to in my life and 120 tall cans is gonna get me far closer to the perfect situation than a golden genie bottle full of barleywine.
I'll give this thing one piece of credit though... I used to fuck around with homebrewing and basically the yeast eats sugar to make alcohol, but it dies down. Apparently they made this shit using a trick where once the yeast starts to settle down, they dropped a couple of tablespoons of molasses into the mix to fire the yeast back up and make them eat more sugar against their will to create a higher alcohol content. If you think I'm not filing that away in my mental rolodex of mad science, then you probably should think about yourself more and not about what weird little tidbits of this or that I'm worried about. Have more sense of self. Don't worry about me or others or anything. Shit, don't even worry about yourself. You're probably deluded by bad parenting or sensory overload of violent sexual entertainment or false digital worlds parallel to your real life.
6. THIS MONTH IN WU TANG
JD: This is a touchy subject I am sure for all of us internet folk, but I am going to talk about the Wu's new album. As I am sure, most of you have seen the Raekwon interview with the hard-hitting hip hop journalist, Miss Info, but if you haven't, let me paraphrase it:
- RZA loves guitars
- RZA ruined the album
- The Wu didn't like the album as a whole, but dealt with it
- The Wu wants to record an album sans RZA
And after listening to the album, I must be missing something, but I don't think the album is guitar heavy, and ruined by the RZA. Personally, I think this album was the biggest test for the individual members of the Wu. It is obvious from reading some of the interviews regarding this album, it wasn't recorded with all members in the studio at the same time. I am guessing Wu members recorded their verses and the RZA cut-and-pasted the verses together to make the album. So what does this mean? It means that it was the ultimate test of the Wu as individual MCs. A dope verse is a dope verse regardless of what beat is behind it, so taking an amazing GZA verse could be pasted over a Casio keyboard demo beat means it would still be dope. Outside of his opening verse on "Gun Will Go", Raekwon may have been the most lackluster of all the Wu.
Meth, Deck, and to an extent U-God carried the album. Meth more than the other two really, but this isn't a great effort by the Wu. One review I read said that it ranks "up with The W in terms of Wu albums". Wow, really? That is good? What this album accomplished is through the miracles of technology an album was made with all the members of the Wu. That is it.
RM: I used my internet welfare for an hour one night to look at that Raekwon youtube interview, and the thing I love about Raekwon is how, even after all this time, he always looks like a gully-ass negro. Like his hat will be off his head like an old crackhead or he'll have that weird puffy-cheeked pout glare of poverty going on. I have refused to listen to the shitty Raekwon new crew CDs of recent years just to not ruin my perception of how awesome Raekwon is.
I was gonna dl the 8 Diagrams leak, but then Mike, who I will admit is probably the only internet opinion of someone I've never met in real life that I actually even bother listening at, said that guitar gently weeps song was one of the best ones on the leak. This convinced me to not even bother downloading the CD. I am a man who at one point in his life would buy everything Wu-related (which probably started trailing off after Wu Tang Forever, when they started being a million dollar video rap group instead of a million man machete rap group)... I mean fuck, I was excited to buy Royal Fam singles. I still have the fucking "Hole in the Soul" 12-inch by the Wu All-Stars (who were actually Wu practice squadders), so before someone is all, "You hatin' the Wu for no reason," understand I loved the Wu at one point probably more than some people whose funerals I've been to. But the Raekwon youtube shoot interview sorta reaffirmed everything I'd feared about this new Wu album and the RZA in general.
New Ghostface CD coming out probably by the time we get this done though, so all is not lost. Ghost should just take over the Wu from RZA, or they have rival west coast Wu led by RZA and GZA and whatever other members are black-and-white indie film coffee-drinking homos and an east coast Wu led by Ghost and whoever lined up with him.
MD: Shortly after the Rae shoot video, RZA released and answerback shoot video beasically doing his best to put a PR spin on the whole conflict and that Rae wanted 8 Diagrams to go in a more rugged grimy direction, but RZA's defense is that Cuban Linx II is supposedly rugged and grimy so he didn't want to make another grimy record after that.
Then just today, an interview with Ghostface popped up where he flat out said that 8 Diagrams was a wack record and doesn't even come close to their classic material. I almost feel bad for RZA because after this nonsense, and listening to 8 Diagrams, you get the feeling that RZA is the only person that had his heart into this, except no one else in his crew shares his vision, because let's face it, the only way any of us will realize RZA's vision is if we also stick our heads up RZA's ass.
8 Diagrams is astonishingly mediocre. It's worse than if it was just flat our horrible because then I'd at least have something creative to say about it. It doesn't help that there were at least 6 things released this month that I wholeheartedly liked, and two more things I haven't even listened to yet that I expect to like (New Trae, New Scarface). Maybe if it was released three months ago it would have more of a chance with me. It also doesn't help that Ghostface's album leaked two days later and completely annihilates anything on 8 Diagrams. Honestly, if you took the best 15 songs from all the other Wu related shit this year, you'd have a better CD.
BWT: Your thoughts on 8 Diagrams will depend on how you look at stuff. Personally my expectations were so low going in that I don't hate it but I can't ever see myself playing this a lot. The good news is that Method Man is back in a big way and really brought it on this. He brought it so hard that for the short time in between hearing this and the new Ghost he was #1 in the AP USA Today ESPN BCS Wu Tang Power Rankings. That's pretty much the nicest thing I can say about it. The album just seemed thrown together and empty. There's something seriously fucked up when George Clinton is on the new Wu Tang album as much as Ghostface is. Other than "Stick Me for My Riches" and the song with O.D.B. on it I wouldn't go out of your way to hear any of this. The best thing about the O.D.B. track is that even tho dudes been dead he's still stealing the show. It's just this time stealing this show isn't something to brag about.
KM: Goddamn, I am bummed out. This isn't an awful album, but it's not a WU-TANG KILLA BEEZ ON THA STORM STOMPDASHITOUTYOU record. And while I'm all about artists doing whatever floats their boat, if it's mediocre it's mediocre. A lot of this sounds like RZA on some Kill Bill guitar shit and that gets old. Every song doesn't need a long-ass intro. There's a beat with too much hi-hat, y'all ain't Three 6 and the lyrics are too laid back for that sound. It sounds the vocals were hodgepodged. Normally that's not a big deal in the rap world, but these guys were the ones that had everyone in the studio all the time, bouncing shit off one another. John's right - an awesome verse should stand on its own two legs. The biggest mistake Wu-Tang made might be that XM Radio show. I mean it was awesome to hear all those dudes on the same stage with a live band, but if the end result is a bunch of uninspired lounge singer shit that the artists themselves hate - WHY FUCKING DO IT? Yes it does rank with The W, which is not good. The only thing this has over that is 8 Diagrams lacks a shitty Nas guest spot.
7. BUSTA RHYMES & J. DILLA'S DILLAGENCE MIXTAPE PRESENTED BY MICK BOOGIE
JD: Hey, it is lets fuck Dilla's corpse mixtape number 4080. This is a special one because Dilla's mom does the intro track, so I guess it is certified. It is pointless to criticize the quality of the mixtape because that really isn't what I wanted to write about (and if you care, it isn't bad; not great, but not bad).
The outro track is Busta talking about the mixtape and he spouts off to internet people with OPINIONZ 4 U~! If you hate the mixtape, you can suck "thousands of dicks". I am not sure if Busta has access to the internet, but Dilla is the one person who NEVER gets criticized on the internet. He is the closest thing we have to an internet deity.
While I would be the last person to say someone's opinion is retarded, but Busta's opinion is mad retarded.
RM: I don't know, I think J. Dilla is overrated as fuck. Not that I think he's bad, but dudes get all hyped up acting like he's Bomb Squad '89/Pete Rock '92/RZA '95/MF Doom '98 all rolled into one.
I do find the outro John mentioned as hilarious because I love that weak-ass low self-esteem self-defense thing where a dude will be like, basically, "For me, homosexuals are a low form of human, and if you don't like what I am saying right here then I will insinuate you are a homosexual of some sort, therefore by questioning what I say I associate you with something I don't respect at all," which works to allow the person saying it with self-confidence issues to completely dispel any challenges to their viewpoint without having to actually dig into the hard and heavy work of evaluating themselves, obviously full of a clutter of repressed emotions that causes them to feel such insecurity. It's sad, yet amusing.
8. KANYE WEST'S MAMA'S PLASTIC SURGERY DISASTER
RM: It is no secret that the fashionista/rap diva music genre popularized by Kanye West and his dapper lad cohorts is not my favorite. But I would never wish for someone to lose their mama. It is bothersome however that it would happen due to cosmetic surgery, which has become like second-nature to more than just the fickle superficial upper upper class in recent years. Most commonly, this is seen with breast enhancement, and I know it's the Maxim males auto-reaction to go "harr harr, big tits are awesome dude!" but I've felt big fake tits, and they are not awesome feeling at all. And when some big breasted 43 year old friend's mom is bouncing up and down on your lap on their couch in the throes of her second orgasm in seventeen years, those big breasts, naturally, should be slapboxing you in the face, not sitting stoic on her chest without anything to do with the matter.
Young chicks get their noses and chins and all types of weird shit reshaped nowadays, just another case of man playing god. So perhaps Kanye's mom dying was penance for some of the outright blasphemous self-important things Kanye rhymes about at time.
But don't get it twisted, I don't believe in a god. We all got god and we all got devil inside. Which is why I don't understand all this plastic surgery bullshit, because just be yourself and shit. If you ugly, make that ugly cool. Some scummy doctor taking thousands of your dollars to put bee pollen in your lips or grind away part of your nosebones ain't gonna make your ugly cool. Shit, $600 jeans won't do it either. And who the fuck cares anyways? In fact, fuck it, buy those $600 jeans and get cosmetic surgery. If you're a dude, get calf muscle implants. I find all that shit mad creepy, but it also makes me laugh at how stupid people are. Which, in turn, fills me with a strong sense of superiority, causing egotistic notions to fill my own meager mind. And it's those times that I look in the mirror and say, "What's up Kanye? You wanna be Kanye? You wanna be like Kanye, thinking you're the shit, better than everybody else now, don't you Kanye? Your mama's gonna die Kanye. How much better are you than everybody else now Kanye? With your mom dead Kanye?" and usually that little exercise helps me be less judgemental.
MD: A lot of people died this month outside of Kanye's Mom. I'm not going to joke about it or anything. I wish maybe she didn't die from plastic surgery gone awry, because that fills me with the urge to joke about it. Thie is the internet though, where feelings don't exist, and if they do, it's because you're a pussy, but I'll still impose the standard 3 month minimum blackout on any Kanye's Mom jokes.
Kevin Dubrow also died, who is very far from the realm of hip hop. He is recognized as pioneering the pop metal genre with his band Quiot Riot. I am sure he is still feeling the noize in heaven.
Sean Taylor died, and that's fucked up, but he went to the University of Miami, so, you know.
Finally, the guitarist of horrible band Hawthorne Heights died. I instantly made a joke about how it was probably from semen poisoning once I heard about it, but I take that back now. I'm sorry dude.
BWT: My sister had a friend who's sister died after getting her stomach stapled and that girl wasn't even like fat fat she was just like kinda fat and that pissed me off a lot when she died even though I didn't really know her. What a pointless way to go out. There's some joke here with Oprah introducing Kanye's mom to the Dr. who botched the surgery but like Mike I will hold back on making it for at least another month. I hope Kanye has mad leftovers of that famous homemade chicken soup so he can have another bowl.
CH: Sorry to see anyone moms die suddenly but like Mike said people fuckin die all the time. What surgery was she going to have done anyway? I saw a picture of her -- one procedure wasn't gonna fix what was wrong with that puzzle. Maybe that's why she died; kayne bought her the the biggest surgery package they offer. Maybe she died after complications stemming from the lip smoothing.
What the fuck is with these rich people and their plastic surgery anyway? Fuck if i had Kayne's moms flow, all i would do all day is smoke blunts, make beats; i'm sure Kaynes mom could have substituted pills and knitting and she would have been straight. Fuck cares what you look like when you're that old and rich? If you'd have maxed the fuck out instead of getting surgery you'd baking kayne some cookies right now.
9. DJ SWINDLE'S ALMATIC MIXTAPE
RM: This is one of the better mash-up style joints I've heard recently, which means in a genre of music that is basically a thousand retarded monkeys using a thousand bootleg Protools programs to recreate the sound of someone scraping their fingers over a chalkboard while Led Zeppelin plays in the background, this is one of the best ones I've heard recently. I am a huge pre-Christ Al Green fan, so I know some of these songs too well. I've probably freestyles over makeshift loops made from "Tired of Being Alone" and "Belle" for hours and hours in the past couple years. Which is where some of my nitpicking with this thing comes from. The mixes are sort of boring ass track loopings from Al Green classics, and fuck, the "Tired of Being Alone" one confuses me to no end because you have perhaps the tastiest, murkiest, nastiest ass horns ever recorded at the beginning of that song, and Swindle completely skips that. The other rather obvious thing I noticed is it was a mistake to include the "Fast Life" song with Kool G. Rap, because it just shows how much better this would've been if it had been a Kool G. Rap/Al Green mash-up.
BWT: This is one of my favorite mixtapes I've heard recently and easily the best mash-up album I've heard all year. I consider Nas to be my favorite rapper and one of the biggest problems over his career has been shitty beats. Or at least beats that haven't matched up to his verses. John said it best when talking about the Wu album, a dope verse is a dope verse. So while Nas hasn't exactly suffered from not having the best of the best it's good to hear some truly amazing production to go with the dope verses. More important than that is this really made me want to get into some Al Green. He's always been one of those dudes who I've assumed must have been great but never really got into and so I downloaded "Al Green Gets Next to You" and felt like the biggest moron for not hearing much of his stuff before. Oh and another great thing about this is that DJ Swindle picked the remix to "Made You Look" over the original. I've always been a huge fan of that version as it's one of the only times Jadakiss isn't being one of the most annoying dudes in rap.
10. TRAE'S LIFE GOES ON CD
RM: You know, it's so easy to talk down how much the South sucks and doesn't rule rap music when you only use the radio airwaves and shit like "Crank Dat (Superman)" or "Party (Like A Rock Star)" as your examples. But with shit like Witchdoctor and Trae coming out the South and there being nothing of real life experience of comparable worth coming from anywhere else, I don't see how you can say the South isn't the best right now, for some real down home shit, not the radio-friendly jingle shit.
Trae's most recent release is some good shit, full of good car music, and even made me get all introspective and mellow with the R.I.P. Big Hawk part. There's even a dead Tupac appearance that I would dare say is not shitty, which I don't think I've thought in years. The CD suffers from the same questionable guest appearance overload that every rap CD does (Lil Wayne again? Richboy and Lloyd? And why is Styles P on a Trae record?), but when it's just Trae, it's good. And when it's not just Trae, he holds it together and keeps it a CD and not just a hodgepodge mixtape of a release. It's got me wanting to internet steal all his earlier shit as well.
It should be noted this is a Rap-a-Lot release as well, and I say aside from Def Jam, no label has been consistently interesting for as long in the rap musics as Rap-a-Lot. Think how many labels came into and fell from prominence in that time - Ruthless, Death Row, No Limit, Cash Money, and so on, and that whole time Rap-a-Lot's been churning out quality shit. I am giving mad internet dork whiteboy expert analysis props to Rap-a-Lot Records this month. Congratulations J Prince. You should also get royalty checks from Michael Louis Minns for his The Underground Lawyer book, because I own one copy that I only bought because of your outro on that Til Death Do Us Part CD. That ain't the greatest book in the world, but if I inadvertently helped Minns continue to hassle the Man over the Man's trifling ways, then I got no beef with dropping my $30 of 1996 money on that thing. And anyways, I like to collect fucked-up subversive reference books like Danish kids collect 12-inch single mp3s from 1993, so I can pretend I'm gonna be some saviour against an oppressive government in the future, as if stacks of mice-shit covered books stashed away in empty liquor store boxes is gonna make me some sort of revolutionary. I call it my Orwellian complex.
KM: I was looking to this CD as much as I was the new UGK and Z-Ro earlier in the year, and about the same level as I have been the new Scarface. I just bought Made today, so can't say and for the others - two out of three ain't bad (sorry, Ro.) Life Goes On is fucking solid, and I actually think Trae holds up all but one of his guest spots. That Lil Wayne song was the straw that broke the hater's camel's back with me months back, and I still don't like it at all. But the rest of them are all good songs, even if Yung Joc is a little played. Smile is one I liked. Usually, D-Block guys are boring but they're money here. Maybe it's because my month has sucked monster dick, but the overall vibe on this album speaks to trying to get shit together and move the fuck on. I had to pull it out of the car because it was bumming me out after a day or two. Anyone who says all Houston raps about is money, hoes and barre needs to check this out and shut the fuck up. Trae's off in Scarface turf for the most part: laid back and pissed off songs, music to remember dead kinfolks.
11. THE COOL KIDS - TOTALLY FLOSSED OUT EP
MD: It's been a real good month for rap music. There's been so many good releases that I'm really pissed I don't have a boring office job anymore so I can take them all in through my ipod. I hardly ever thoroughly listen to music at home because I can't give it my full attention. Internet culture has ruined me for good and I am not happy unless I'm doing like 16 recreational things at once. I just can't sit down and get lost in the music anymore because I need to also be playing video games, talking on IM, texting people on my cell phone, and half pay attention to TV all at the same time.
Anyway, this Cool Kids group is basically the future of rap music. I have all but formally announced "Totally Flossed Out" as my album of the year. It's like if The Clipse strayed away from rapping about cocaine all the time and just talked mad shit. There's a line on here about how other dudes may think they are cooler than The Cool Kids because they are out in the club trying to pick up hot girls while The Cool Kids are sitting at home playing Sega Genesis, but The Cool Kids are quick to remind all of those suckers that as soon as they're done playing Sega, they are fucking way hotter chicks than you are.
The only problem that may keep The Cool Kids from totally taking over rap music is that they may be too materialistic for nerd rap fans, and too nerdy for mainstream rap fans. I'm hoping they can bridge the gap between the two, but we will have to wait and see.
JD: Mike is right on with this. I am not sure this is the future of hip-hop, but it is really good. I think what Mike alluded to was this sounds like a Neptunes beat before they were wearing diamond calculator watches and pretending to ride skateboards. I fear that once they put out a full LP, they will be the new posterboys for MTV2, then do a verse on a Gorillaz track, and suck. But even if they do, this EP can serve as a time-capsule for before they blew up.
12. BEANIE SIGEL - THE SOLUTION CD
MD: Up until now, I have never heard a full Beanie Sigel CD. I would have kept it that way, but I was talking to the dude BWT and he seemed hyped on it. Plus he told me they sample War Pigs on here, and I just got done listening to the song on the new Ghostface that featured Beans, so I was ready to make the commitment to listen to a complete Beanie Sigel CD after however many CD's he's put out up until this point.
Plain and simple, this CD sucks balls. Beanie Sigel is a fucking awful rapper and I don't even understand what weird fucking alien scale people use to judge MC's when they say shit like "Hey, Beanie Sigel is a really great rapper." Really? Compared to who? My Grandma? She's dead you know, so you really shouldn't use her to judge your rap skills.
I'm very upset I wasted time on this shit and I hate BWT for having the spirit of youth and tricking me into listening to this garbage. Once he's 29, he'll realize Beanie Sigel sucks too, but until then, he will keep on tricking me into listening to garbage.
BWT: Oh what a fucking horrible album. I was a really big fan of Beanie's last album but other than that I never really was that into him so don't let Mike trick you guys into thinking I am this huge Beanie fan. I don't even know where to start with this mess. There's a song on here with Peedi Crack and Ghostface and you wonder how they could fuck that up? Well they throw Diddy on the hook and the beat is this horrible thing that sounds like some leftover beat that was made for Ciara. In addition to Diddy, Ghostface, and Peedi Crack this album has the following guests: Styles P, Jay-Z, Ozzy Osborne, R. Kelly, and the guy who did the "You're Beautiful" song that you just got out of your head. Not to be that guy but is it possible for anyone to have an album with no features? Much like how todays pitchers are conditioned to going 6 innings and letting the pen take over the rest of the game all these rappers can't go a whole album without other dudes coming in and picking up the slack. If Beanie Sigel were a pitcher he would be Kevin Millwood. An overrated fat motherfucker who had his best years with one of the best who ever did it in the ace spot. Don't waste your time stealing this CD.
13. BEAUTIFUL BLACK CHILDREN CD
BWT: These guys came into my work to watch the Cowboys/Packers game since it wasn't on basic cable and I got to talking to one of them about football and then they gave me this. When I saw the cover I was expecting some seriously hilarious over the top gangsta gangsta North Philly shit but instead they're like a bunch of dudes trying to be real and whatnot. Its not really my thing but for an indy rap album with a bunch of dudes giving the middle finger in a whole variety of styles on the cover this wasn't that bad. They could really use a better producer but the quality of it isn't bad at all for what it is. They should also drop that dude who sounds like that guy who was on that Eminem song who did that part where he was like "I GET DOWN LIKE SYNDROME" having some guy who's jacking that guys style is really lame. Also they need a new name. You don't want people to google your groups name and end up with some ebony pedophile dating service.
14. THE GENIUS OF GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN'
BWT: I came home from the bar all banged up last Saturday and watched this. Mike Dikk had been hyping it up as the best/worst movie of all times and while I don't know if it's the best/worst it's pretty fucking great and um pretty fucking bad. 50's not really the worst actor ever and this is pretty much 8 Mile with 50's story instead of Em's. There's tons of hilarious shit like "Rule Number Five: Love gets you killed!", the scene at the car dealership where Fif buys a car with a bag full of cash, the fake Ja Rule being played by the most albino looking brother you'll ever see (he honestly might be shoot white), that if i was ya best friend song, and the scene with Terrence Howard in the shower. It's as good as 8 Mile is since thats a movie where if I'm flipping channels I will always watch. If you missed seeing this in the theaters like I did you need to check it out and if you got Showtime its on demand right now
KM: I cannot, in good conscience, call this movie genius. Is it a rap biopic that is decent Cinemax fare? Sure. It's 50 Mile, wow. What's genius is how either Delroy Lindo knew about all this Supreme drug shit or that's just the image that's been attached to the man because Lindo in Clockers is exactly like Majestic in this. It's like watching a version of Clockers where Strike gets a recording contract instead of a ticket for the train. 50 is pretty wack on the mic at this point. Dude is Ja Rule. Props for eliminating the competition, assuming their role, and collecting their wealth. That doesn't mean he's any more talented than the guy responsible for "Always On Time."
MD: There is a trilogy of amazingly bad rap films. If you are clueless, the trilogy consists of 8 Mile, Hustle & Flow and Get Rich or Die Trying. They were all heralded as some incredible departure from hip hop movies of days past and that they were to be taken seriously. Hustle & Flow technically won an Oscar, An Oscar winner directed Get Rich and I even think a notable dude did 8 Mile. They all managed to get great mainstream reviews, but on the serious tip, unless you are in your 40's and know nothing about rap music, these are like the corniest, most ridiculous movies made about rap music EVER.
Get Rich or Die Trying is the crown jewel to me. The only way 50 could have taken a more egotistical approach to this film is if it alternatively consisted of one long 2 hour shot of 50 masturbating to a picture of himself. The part where his grandpa catches him with a gun and he emphatically declares, "I'M A GANGSTA GRANDPA, AND I'M PROUD OF IT!" is maybe one of the best pieces of cinema this decade has seen.
Then there's the fact that this movie borrows heavily from Rocky, which is fucking LOLercoaster hilarious since I have seen all of the Rocky movies at least 60 times. There's even a montage at the end that pays homage to Rocky IV, as 50 trains in the Queens wilderness to get back into rapping shape, not to mention that the "If I Was Your Best Friend" song is a total ripoff of the poem Rocky read to Adrian when she was in the hospital.
I don't even want to go into 50's acting, or the scenes where he's supposed to be portraying a high school aged kid, or the Terrance Howard shower scene where there's dicks and butts flying all over the place. Take my word for it, I have seen this movie 5 times now and every time I watch, it's still jaw droppingly magnificent.
15. PERSONAL FAGGOTRY
JD: I did a real lame blurb the first time admitting my like of comic books and hip-hop that I normally would be the first to say OMG FAG about, but I deleted it. My re-attempt at this blurb isn't one where I say how much I like this, this, or that, I am a fag because of my mother.
I am a 32 year old married man who finally got his shit together and is on the way to the American Dream of the wife, kids, house, and doing a job I love. But I live under the thumb of a 56 year old short, Italian woman that lives about three hours away. Don't get me wrong, I love her; she raised my brother, sister, and I all alone after my dad croaked. But I can't get away from this giant cloud of her making me feel bad at every turn. For example, about a week ago, I told her to tell my aunt to skip on a Xmas present for my wife and I because we are short on cash. Moms turns it into, "OMG YOU CHANGED SO MUCH". WTF?? I changed from being a greedy bastard into someone who takes into consideration others. Horrible, eh? Then to make matters worse, she started bad mouthing my wife because she thinks it is her who changed me for the worst. All of this happened when I was on speaker phone with my wife sitting a few feet away. This conversation rattled me until today when I was driving down to school, and some of my gay hip-hop snapped me out of it. Specifically, Archtype's Utopia, and the line about how the dude took one, last look at the Kansas sky before he bailed. And fuck, that is exactly what happened to me. Before I bailed I had a glimpse of what my future would be like living in the same town as her, and knew it was time to bounce.
I know this isn't some admission like I secretly love Y-Society and listen to it as a prance around in children's diapers wearing a bonnet sucking on a boo-boo. But I think a Livejournal-esque admission about my personal life on a hip-hop message board is faggy enough.
RM: Originally, John had written something about admitting he liked comic books, and I mocked him for acting like that was some sort of confession was the equivalent to going into a bar and being like, “I’m sorry y’all, I really like drinking.” I mean fuck, this is the internet. I’d bet one of my nuts that at least half of you reading this right now are secret comic book fags, although you probably shield the obviousness of your homosexual hobby by calling yourself an anime fan or into graphic novels or some other shit that makes it seem like you’re not a grown ass man into comic books.
Nonetheless, we all have our own personal embarrassing ass things, which shouldn’t really be embarrassing. For me, I get far too into bullshit like the EWA thing, editing it and wanting it to be awesome as fuck, even though there’s probably fifty - and that’s a very liberal estimate - people who regularly check out this site. And of those fifty, forty seven of you are probably first class social misfits in real life. Seriously, if we had transporter machines and everybody could all meet in one place at once for a dumpin meet-and-greet, it’d be a bunch of shy ass dork dudes wanting to go to a Chinese buffet together, because the only people who might not actually be lost social causes would not want to go into a giant blind date with anonymous internet fuckers. Why should I care about pleasing you fuckers? It’s not like you fuckers post up comments including free porn with big-assed women or anything.
But even more on a personal faggotry level, and I have a college receipt in English, is how when I edit the shit, I refuse to accept certain standard rules of the English language, because I think they’re stupid. Like putting a comma or period inside the quotation marks of a song. Fuck that shit, it’s not part of the song. It’s not called “Ain’t No Half-Steppin’,” on the fucking album so fuck your comma and bullshit rule. Also, I am old school so I refuse to spell fat with a “ph” because that shit is made up and unnecessary, although it’s so deeply ingrained into our mainstream consciousness that it’s in the dictionary by now probably. And I will never put a hyphen in hip hop. That shit’s mad stupid retarded. I mean, flip-flop makes sense with a hyphen, because them bitches flip and flop around on your nasty ass feet walking around, but hip hop is not a combination of some hip and hop. It’s just a nonsense term when some dudes were doing modern urban scat (jazz singing, not shit porn) music back in the day. But then some egghead corduroy jacket fucker who probably does freelance work for the Atlantic Monthly decided it should be a hyphenated word, probably because of some bullshit precedent he read about from some jazz term or Swahili bullshit or something.
So yeah, I’m mad anal about editing this bullshit, except I use a basic style guide but with my own rules mixed in. Except I also didn’t feel like fucking with this shit this month so for the most part Mike did the editing (which probably means he didn’t edit shit), and Mike is a TBS movie latchkey kid so he can’t spell worth a fuck. And I guess from looking at this, my for-real personal faggotry is the internet. Because I don’t respect not even a one of you, as the internet to me is like this giant elaborate gay bar where people talk to each other through robots so as to not transmit actual physical diseases, and here I am writing stupid shit attempting to entertain a bunch of cocksuckers. If my racist grandmother were alive to see this shit, and I told him, “Yo, Gram Grams, should I go marry a black girl and make offspring with her that will be your great-grandchildren, or should I write some more wacky shit on the internets?” And she’d look at me and I’d see her mind ticking through “well at least with the negro girl he’d some half-white children so that’d be half-decent I guess, but messing around word flirting with these cyber-homosexuals ain’t gonna amount to nothing but perversion and family heartache”, and she’d reluctantly tell me I ought to marry Kenya, because that’s the name of my fake black wife in this scenario, and then Gram Grams would offer me up a slice of sweet potato pie with some vanilla ice cream she made with fresh snow in her weird ass crank ice cream contraption that I don‘t think even exists in our society anymore. And notice I didn’t hyphenate “Gram Grams” either because that’s what we called her. She wasn’t part Gram and part Grams, so no hyphen necessary.
MD: This may be the worst, most shoddily thrown together 25 ever, but Raven's blurb for Personal Faggotry is probably the best thing to ever come out of it. This month has been especially taxing since I am giving about a 27th of a fuck about this entire websiteand I think Raven is leaning toward doing the same, and basically my only inspiration for getting these things out in a semi-timely fashion is my friend Ryan who moved to Portland, because I know he reads this crap religiously, and everyone else who may or may not read this religiously lives inside of a computer and I don't know them, and I've never shotgunned shitty beers with them, so fuck them.
I used to want to get this done to show faceless people how awesome we are, but I don't really care about that anymore, because I am at the point where I don't need someone else's approval to tell me the EWA 25 is awesome, because I am fully aware it is.
I will admit that deep down I'd like to think we don't get the typical internet blog rap crowd coming here, but instead a few social misfits sneak in here and there and really dig on this crap. I don't mean the same types of social misfits that Raven made fun of earlier, but the ones who enjoy reading about music in a way not presented to them like it's some fucking college lecture. No dis on you blog hip hop historians, because I'm seriously glad you guys exist, but that is just not our schtick, and I would trade in 5,000 readers furiously looking for the pressing info on The Bass Town MC's Import Only 12" for 50 dudes who like to laugh and get fucked up on shady shit any day.
Through this year and a half Dumpin excursion, I've come to realize that blog culture is just like zine culture except on a bigger scale. The same nerdy shut-ins who religiously read zines are the same nerdy shut-ins who religiously read blogs. I am never going to get guys that are cooler than me looking at my shit on the internet because we are all one big dork.
16. FREEWAY - FREE AT LAST CD
JD: I sometimes have this problem of thinking someone is so much better than they really are, and before I listened to Free at Last, I went back to listen to Freeway's first album. Honestly, outside of one or two songs it wasn't that great at all. This thinking led me to go into the new album already with one foot in the vitrolic pool, but the new album is so much better than the first. Freeway breaks down the Rocafella beef in the intro track which is what a fucking intro track should be. So many hip-hop albums use the intro track to be all artsy and shit, but Freeway wrote his like the topic sentence for the rest of the album, which I dug. Without going into a big review deal, I will say at times the beats don't mesh with Freeway's delivery, but at other times, it works perfect. This album might get lost in the rush of pretty good stuff that has come out in the last couple of months, but it is definately one of the better albums of 2007.
CH: I was wasting another on the internet when I came accross something that mentioned the rocafella dynasty from like 2000 to 2003. I'm thinking to myself, did I fall the fuck asleep for like 4 years. I know around that time I was on that new rap sucks tip so I always though beans and this freeway character were bullshit. I always like to give people the benefit you know, try and be fair or whatever, so I recently downloaded all the freeway and beans my computer could handle and guess what? They're still wack. Don't get me wrong -- I would much rather listen to Beanie Siegel than that weezy fucker but isn't that like saying like rather have a a blunt and no weed or just no weed? I still ain't getting the fuck high.
I hate to sound even more of a white bakpacker type fag but where's the soul? Fuck a rocafella. Fuck Jay-z too, illuminati mutherfucker.
17. JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S GIANT ASS
JD: You know how you felt when you found out Santa Claus wasn't real? I remember it pretty vividly: I was in my living room reading the Guiness Book of World Records the summer of 84. I was just chillin as much as a 9 year old would. In the summer I would set up a chair by our back window so I can catch the cool air because we were air-conditioner-less, and moms asked to talk to me. As I was waiting for the inevitable "cut the grass" or "pick up your shit from the yard", mom's face let me know it wasn't going to be a normal conversation. She broke shit down for me: It was all fake. The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Santa. It was like 10000 cinder blocks fell onto my freshly formed skull. It also slapped me in the face and prepared me for a life of reality and how some shit is a sham, and other shit you believe so hard in is hollow.
When I saw the pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt in a bikini I felt the same way. I am not one to slobber over celebrity, but she is hot. Then when I saw the pics of her giant, cottage cheese ass, Santa wasn't real again.
CH: I've never really got into celebrity worship due to the fact that you couldn't have sex with them. I always felt if I was into a girl at the very least I should have a small chance of her catching the dills. Sounds fair enough right? The other night the opposite happened. Boot camp clik had a show two sundays ago up in my neck of the woods. I went with a couple people and after the show I'm standing with my people waiting to go when buckshot comes out of the back and points right at my firend Andrea and goes, "where's your homegirl with the dreads at?" He happened to be talking about my other friend who accompanied us, Marie. Now a little background first on Marie; she's a bit chubby but has huge titties and I've never seen her wear anything that covers up more then 35% of them. So, you know she's alright and would catch a dick from me anytime, but she's a normal girl -- nothing special. Getting back to the story, buckshot finds Marie and straight the fuck macks her in front of me and Andrea. I should mention at this time that Buckshot is probably my favorite rapper and wthout sounding like a too big a fag, I would like to hang out and smoke weed pretty badly. So I'm watching Buck hit on my friend and it's pretty damn strange to me seeing my favorite rapper talk to my friend that I've known for a couple of years. So she comes back and says, "I'm going to hang out with Kenyetta." So, basically she goes and hangs out with tek, stelle, sean price and buckshot smoking blunts and then fucks buckshot. The crazier thing is now he's calling her and offering to fly her out to Belgium and shit. Shit is crazy.
So basically maybe I'm going about this the wrong way, maybe I can start fucking celebrites like my big tittied friend. Now, that I've gotten over the fact that she hung out with my favorite rapper, my main short term goal in life is to have sex with her so I can say I fucked the same girl as buckshot. I'll keep you posted.
KM: I swear to fuck, what is it with you white people? Having a nice ass does not mean the same thing as having a giant ass! I don't care if it's JLH or Kim Kardashian or Christina Aguilera or whoever - those women do not have giant asses. They don't have hood booties. They have big asses... for a (_____) girl. In terms of actual ass bigness, those are like early puberty big. There are countless gorgeous women who had bigger asses by the time they could drive and kept growing. They're not all black, either! The seemingly universal response from white guys is to remark at how that is the largest ass in the history of ever and also the best. In order to keep my posting privileges, I won't rag on Kim Kardashian. Hewitt is a girl I'd fuck with, but she's not the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She's not the best ass I've seen. Y'all need some context. It's like the land of the no-assed, where the half-assed woman is queen. You'd think on a rap blog, people would see the difference!
MD: I was going to let this blurb go because a bunch of people jumped on it and I hate dragging shit out with more opinions than needed (4 dudes writing about this girls ass is a bit ridiculous), but I had a few things I needed to clear up.
First off, I've seen the bikini pics in question. She's definitely gotten a bit chunky, but she's still totally doable, even with the small amount of visible cellulite. The only problem I personally have with Love Hewitt and doing her is that you can completely tell she will turn into the stereotypical average looking homemaker mom once she gets older. Unless she has intense plastic surgery, her ass is going to get flat and wide and she will wear those Mom jeans from Wal-Mart and her tits will sag just to the point where they aren't appealing anymore. With that said, her current slightly overweight look is still good for me. I just don't want to see what she looks like in 15 years.
Secondly, Keenon has some exaggerated definition of a "giant ass" that is taken straight from the back pages of XXL magazine where they sell those borderline fetish videos of 400 pound girls with asses so big that their nauseating visible cellulite marks look like fucking craters. That is in no way attractive. Kim Kardashian on the other hand has a giant ass for normal people who aren't into sick shit. Sorry Keenon, you need help.
Lastly, John believed in Santa until he was 9 years old at which point his mom had to tell him Santa was not real. Who knows how long it could have went on if his Mom didn't step in? Dude, I was already banging girls at 9 years old and I had a part time job down at the local cannery. How are you still believing in Santa at 9? Do you still think Dragons are real too?
KM: Because Raven and Mike do this shit all the time, I will submit a second addendum to the ass referendum. Good god, this must be how the rest of y'all feel when you talk about shit like NFL bullshit that has nothing to do with hip-hop. Anyway, I am not just talking about those gigantor mutant asses that exist in the back of rap magazines. Salma Hayek has a bigger and better ass than either of these women. Eva Mendes. Vida Guerra. Foxy Brown. Beyonce. I'm having a hard time thinking of famous women of other ethnicities with bigger and better asses than Kim Kardashian, but I am sure they exist. Point being, your "giant ass" women have nice asses, but they're not that big. And with that, I think I'll shut up now because this is getting weird.
RM: It does seem ridiculous that we would all speak upon this one throw-in item, but I wanted to defend against the mulatto's unfair "white people is stupid, they drive like this while brothers drive like this" accusations. I am a white people, and run with many other white peoples, and have found a direct correlation between how many fried foods a white man eats and how much love he has for a bigger ass. I myself motherfucking love a big ass. I’ve had plenty of bitches flirt and shit, but I pay it no mind when they’re all scrawny with those 8-year-old boy asses but packaged in a thong to try and trick you with exposed ass cheek that it’s a fat ass. A good ass has the size that you can get two handfuls while hitting that shit from behind, and it should be big enough to have a flesh motion with your pelvic thrusts, but not so much ass that it continues to jiggle if you stop. You want ripples of ass, not continous Homer Simpson shit going on.
It’s also funny to me that this would be about Jenifer Love-Hewitt being too fat, because it has always been a running joke in my circle how she is proof that if you took a mop and slapped a couple of big fake tits on it, dudes would be like, “Oh shit, that mop is hot.” She’s a fucking stick figure animated to life with a make-up commercial face photoshopped onto that shit. The fact she now might be “too fat” makes me want to give her a second look because maybe she’s actually sexy now, but probably not. I would also like to point out, at the risk of being that white guy who makes fun of how white other white people are (which is after all, the true essence of the expert whiteboy), that anyone who even uses the word “cellulite” is probably 99.97% of the time going to be a white person. All that “cottage cheese thighs” “cellulite” bullshit is just that - bullshit, because you have these pudgy, well-whooped-with-ugly-sticks faced, intelligent fratboy types (and this is no judgement on fellow EWA panelists at all, but more of a generalization) acting like some bitch having a little jiggle to her hipbones is not good enough for them. Which is sad, because it’s fucked up how hot white women could be. Go in a health food store or a high end grocery store (this goes back to the fried food test, because if you go in a lower class white folks grocery store, there’s gonna be some hot fat ass little redneck slut working the register flashing her slutty eyes, name tag saying Crystal or Kaitlyn or Ashley most likely, just waiting to get pregnant with a mulatto baby), and you look at the women and their faces are all scrunched up and furrowed and just plain ugly looking. Seriously. Sometime I think I may have done too much acid in my younger days, but I’m continually amazed at how weasel-like and Leona Helmsley’s granddaughter-looking so many white women appear to be, and this is the ones you stupid fucks think are hot, not just the obviously ugly ones. People are tripping on this made-up skeleton stretched with skin and slapped with a couple of big fake tits as being sexually attractive. But of course, this works out, because such women are not naturally geared towards childbirth, nor are they attractive to virile men, so evolution continues to work. Scrawny ass scrunchfaced devil white people are lucky they have enough power to pollute us poor people with so much bullshit that our herds thin, or else big broke assed women would already be running shit.
Seriously, all joking aside, I’m always amazed at how dudes think something like these aforementioned celebrity bitches have nice asses, when it’s propaganda. Just thinking about asses makes me think of 69ing with a chick with a big giant ass draped over my face, flicking that clit, and knowing you’re gonna be hitting that shit from behind right quick. My dick’s hard just writing about it.
18. FIREPRO WRESTLING RETURNS VIDEO GAME
JD: Just so we don't skip out on a genere of being a bunch of white guys, we have a topic about the mix of wrestling a video games. More importantly this is a JAP~!@# video game that was released in the states with the same JAP cool shit, but in English. At my age, I don't play video games as much as I used to, nor do I really have the time for it, but I have been hooked on this. It is a game where there is no "season" mode, but I find myself just having match after match. Why? Simple: No matter how hard I try to come off, I am a dorky dude at heart with an attic full of old Japanese wrestling and dusty Sega cartridges. I am doing this as a set-up for Mike to blast off on the game, but he might be too butt-hurt over losing a job as a jizz mopper to follow up.
MD: I haven't lost my chance at the jizz mopping job yet, and I actually pray every day before I go to sleep that I get it.
Anyway, I could go into super dork mode about Fire Pro, but I'll spare you. The game, at most, will cost you $20 and it's worth every penny, especially if you are a wrestling dork. Of course, most wrestling dorks know all about the wonderment of Fire Pro so I'm preaching to the choir.
The simple 2D graphics may seem outdated but it allows so much shit to be included that would never fly in your traditional WWE style wrestling games. You get over 300 wrestlers out of the box along with the ability to create 200 more, plus there is so much shit going on within those 2D sprites, you would need a math professor to explain it to you. The game is seriously deep and makes up for the lack of any real "season" mode with the fact that you can spend hours upon hours of thinking up combinations of how big fat dudes like Vader could break tiny little dudes like Dragon Kid's neck.
As a bonus, despite the game being translated in English, you still get bonus nuggets of heavy Engrish that will bring you back to the days of badly translated NES shit like Metal Gear. The game may take a few hours to get used to, but if you own a PS2 and if you're any bit a fan of wrestling, you are an idiot if you don't own this. PLUS EXPLODING BARBWIRE LIGHT TUBE DEATH MATCHES!
19. THE "TURN"
JD: When you get older, your friends come and go. Really, if you are 30 and have two good friends you are in really good shape. Recently one of the two friends sent me an email about my old college roomate and a link to the Philly Enquirer with an article about the Temple U Archeology department. My old buddy is now working on his doctorate at Temple in Archeology. We first became friends bonding over our mutual love for hip-hop and smoking weed. From there, I transfered to the school he was going to partly because my homie was there, and we proceeded two spend the next two years doing whatever possible to flunk out. When he was almost out the door, he left for a semester to work in Wyoming at Yellowstone National Park, and when he came back he flipped his script. He went from baggy jeans and Timbs to CoCo Puff t-shirts and hemp necklaces. At this point our friendship started to drift apart. He spent time with his smelly girlfriend smoking bowls in his room listening to Rusted Root, and I decided it was time to not flunk out of school.
When I got the article, I decided to look him up through Temple's website, and got his email address. Truthfully, I was happy to talk to him even through email again and we have kept in touch, somewhat sporadically, since then. Two days ago, I decided to send him a link for a hip-hop album and told him it would be something he would dig. I got an email back with the tone of, "you still listen to that shit?" It threw me for a loop. Fuck him if I still want to listen to hip-hop, and fuck him if he wants to do what he thinks he SHOULD do and listen to James Taylor or Bob Dylan slit-your-wrists type shit. I wonder with the generation of assholes like you on the internet getting into hip-hop because you think it is cool and different to listen to it. I think amongst white people hip-hop listening has a mortality rate of about 90% past age 20, and I think that is sad.
RM: Man I’m almost 35 and I do some wack ass hip hop bullshit, and nobody seems to get into it or get it other than retarded 30-something rural or urban all or nothing anti-suburban type fucks like myself. Which is fine, because I do it for my own enjoyment with no delusions of grandeur or guest spots on Ceelo CDs or any bullshit. It’s fun to make words make wacky-sounding patterns with odd messages interlaced, and it’s even more fun to be able to do that shit in front of people who point their eyeballs at my stupid ass enthusiastically for an hour of their lives. I just cut off my dreadlocks because... well, I’ll just be straight up honest with you. In all my Zulu Nation-launched personal Infinity Lesson self-searching, I saw an intuitive herbalist crazy lady and she sensed I was being held down by dead energy around my head, and that jibed with what I had been feeling, with my dreads giving me headaches and holding me back, but I’d never had short hair since seriously like 1984, so I was afraid to chop that shit off. But I did, and I feel a thousand pounds lighter, but I’m also growing that shit right the fuck back out, just keeping it combed and probably in some Willie Nelson braids or some bullshit because I don’t want the dreads again, but this 1957 health class teacher style I’m kicking right now ain’t too cool either. But I’ve got friends I used to be reckless and endangering with back when we were all in our early 20s, and it trips me out when I see some of those dudes now, all chez whiteyed up with short hair and fancy businesses, looking like the schmuck ass parents they used to claim they didn’t want to be like. Fuck those dudes, and fuck their parents, and most likely fuck their children too. I guess I’m lucky to come from a warped, hopeless rural area where all my degenerate friends from high school are still pretty much degenerates back home, or they moved far far away and nobody knows anything about them anymore. I won’t hit that Turn (although I probably have curved a bit, but that’s because you can’t drink a fifth, smoke a quarter, and dive off a third-story balcony into some bushes for funnies so easily when you’ve got two kids to support and role model for), and despise people who pull that “I grew up” line as if it was inevitable to end up being a piece of shit the 18-year-old version of you would never even talk to.
20. CUNNINLYNGUISTS – DIRTY ACRES CD
JD: This was one of those albums where I declined to DL because I was hyped up for it. FOr the past six months or so, I have been really into Cunninlynguists past work. I am pretty sure we reviewed one of their albums here. Anyhow, I finally decided to cave in and listen to it since I couldn't find it at Best Buy or FYE, and here is the deal: It isn't that great. The production was overdone to a point where it overwhelmed the lyrics, which is much different than a Piece of Strange their last LP. Now I am the last dude to say musical, harmonic beats are bad, but there is a line where it becomes overkill and the beats on this album make you beg for a vocal version of the album. The good points of the album were the Devin the Dude track. I dare anyone to find a better MC when it comes to rhyming about girls, and I would put him above Ghost in that regard, easily. The Phonte/Witchdoctor collab track is good as well. These were tracks that were in the middle of the album which picked up before it came to a screeching halt at track 12.
See it pays to DL kids.
RM: It is a stereotype that black dudes don't like to perform cunninglingus, but it is also a stereotype that they have giant dicks and don't take care of their children. I guess we shouldn't perpetuate any stereotypes if PC fucks don't want us to perpetuate the obviously bad ones.
I think a great play of conflicting black dudes right now, and just a general mess, is the whole Stephon Marbury/Isaiah Thomas thing with the Knicks. The past half a year has been crazy with the lawsuits and Isaiah just generally exposing himself as the dirtbag he's always been. (I'm not even sure where he got that clean image he briefly had; he was star player for a team full of thugs and has always had that small big beady eyed smile of the type of dudes who like to rape for fun and helped popularize GHB in frathouses. As for Starbury, I know he catches the same bad rap that every proud young black guy who flaunts his self-confidence does, but shit man, Marbury is NY bred and playing for the Knicks now - probably a playground dream come true from every kid regardless of economic class from throughout the five boroughs and into the burbs for a couple counties in any direction. And he's fired, or not fired, or kicked off the team, or not. Then he plays last week and they don't tell him his dad is dying during a game, so Marbury doesn't get to see his dad alive before he dies, which of course just adds to it all. This is the type of shit I'd expect in a good British tabloid soap opera type TV series, not in an actual major sporting franchise. And I have to side with Marbury on this completely, without question. You know why? Because he made those $15 shoes. That was a bold move and one of a self-confident young man with aspirations of helping others, albeit within the confines of ridiculous capitalistic brainwashing. Still, it was a great move. And this one store run by chinks that has some good ass catfish nuggets as their special on Fridays, they were selling Starburys in the store. I always meant to get a pair because that's one of the few pairs of sneaks that fit my budget (mostly since I have the mentality of a depression survivor when it comes to clothes, and if something costs more than it cost in like 1989 when I first started selling weed as a kid and could afford stupid shit, then it's a rip-off in my mind), but I always afraid they would smell like fried chicken from that chink country store deli counter, so I figured I'd get them somewhere else like the flea market. But I never did.
Also, this almost resurrected the NBA thing we quickly abandoned since most normal people don't give a shit about pro basketball in the playoffs, much less the December before the playoffs (John is the lone exception here, and props to him, because the NBA is fast losing upwardly mobile white dudes who like rap music, which will be their bread-and-butter if they hope to continue competing in the mainstream in the long term), but I still don't care. I think the Wizards have won some games, but who gives a fuck? It's pro basketball. And now that my adopted baseball team that I only follow in the newspaper - the Washington Nationals - has signed such great news story fodder like Elijah Dukes and Willy Mo Pena (wasn't he the fast dude in Major League II?) and some other dude I already forgot, then pro basketball has become completely obsolete.
21. CAMOFLAGUE FLAVORS
RM: It is hunting season around here so the camo is out in full force. It’s also getting cold so I have to bust out my four pairs of pants, three of which are different styles of camo - all basic camo but in different colors (one is regular, one’s that sandy desert shit, and one’s that white style bullshit). I get all my trying-to-look-fresh-like-the-first-day-of-high-school gear at this markdown place for name-brand shit, because it’s the only place I can find clothes that fit my budget (if broke is a budget). It kinda trips me out seeing all these different flavors of camo though - like everything I wear is the basic camo, and they have it in that weird blue style too, but I’d never wear that nonsense (the blue tones don’t properly accentuate the scars in my left eyebrow). But even worse is all this shit the rednecks wear - like special styles of camouflage with trademarked names like Mossy Oak or Wintergreen or Skoal Bandit or whatever the fuck. And that shit isn’t cheap. I mean, spending fifteen bones on a pair of camo seems about enough for me, but to go out of my way to find some special design of camo and drop like forty bones on it after going out of my way, that’s some Hee Haw Liberace type bullshit in my opinion.
This is the one time of year where one of my favorite sub-cultures comes out from the woodwork as well - the black redneck. I was at the country store at the end of my road the other Saturday morning after running a load of crap to the dump, and there was like forty black dudes of all ages in full camo and blaze orange hats all holding rifles standing around together outside of the store. That type of shit fills me with happy feelings, because it makes me think of local militias and shit, and although the redneck militia types have a much greater understanding of quality kook literature (on some levels), the black militias would have better music. Johnny Taylor trumps Travis Tritt any day of any week.
I always wear a blaze orange stocking hat in the cold times as well, to keep the predatory scared, and I forget that I’m always wearing camo and a blaze orange hat most of the time, so I’m all confused when some dude is talking to me about hunting and shit. Although such conversations have helped me score free slabs of venison for the freezer on my front porch on numerous occasions. You get some ground venison, sautee up an onion in some oil in a big skillet, put in the venison, then add just enough ketchup to make that shit sloppy enough for your tastes, and that’s some good ass sloppy joe right there. If you have some chump fucker hanging out at your house and you didn’t want him to stay around for dinner but he won’t go away because he’s a city fag who’s never ate venison, a fun trick is to put that shit on a bagel as a sandwich and act like that’s a real treat you always eat, because since he’s a city fag, bagels won’t be disgusting yankee-ass buttermilk biscuit replacements to him like they are to you, but bagels are basically a loaf of bread squeezed into a hard donut shape, so he’ll have to bite hard into that, but all that sloppy greasefat wild venison shit will be juicy and splurt out the sides and all over his chumpy ass ironic print t-shirt he got from some faggy website.
JD: Like Raven, I am currently drowning in a sea of camo here in the backwoods of PA. But I do not get the different flavors. Down here we are strictly on the vanilla or chocolate tip. Vanilla being that odd tree camo with all the leaves, and the chocolate being bright orange camo.
But it is on the straight redneck course here. You walk into the Wal-Mart and there are huge boxes of that woodlands camo shit in the middle of all the aisles for cheap. About two weeks ago, the wife and I were waiting to get the oil changed in her car and were walking around the store and I picked up a sweatshirt of that tree/leaves camo and it seemed warm, and was only $5. My wife acted like I just picked up a bucket of AIDS, and that is why I married the woman.
KM: People around here don't normally run the streets in camo. I run into people on the way to Dallas since I take a highway that runs through hunting turf. Or if they're leaving Lubbock to go hunt somewhere and you see them with their weird little kids who suit up like deep space dudes and have all that shit zipped up like the hunt is on IN THE CEREAL AISLE. For the record, I was one of those weird little kids the one or two times I went hunting. Oh, and there are some white people who buy that color camo gear that looks like Silkk the Shocker wore it in 1998. I always laugh on the inside and want to yell "UHHHHHHHHHHH!" at them like Master P.
22. DIGITAL DASHES FOR HOOPTIES
RM: I know you’re not as into retarded over-accessorized rides culture as I am, so I try to keep you abreast of the stupid unnecessary shit being manufactured to make a piece of shit car look elegantly over-done, or to ruin a good classic style with some new-fangled robotic cybertron bullshit. The new digital dashes being made for late model popular models of low riders and high risers would be one of those new-fangled things ruining some classic shit. You see, now you can have a digital dash installed in your hooptie, so that instead of all those classic gaudy dials, you’ll have a bunch of simplistic digital readouts looking like seven K-Mart digital alarm clocks from 1994 had group sex with your odometer and gas gauge and MPH-ometer and they made a hideous baby that you decided to put in your dashboard so everybody could see that ugly shit. Seriously, in all the stupid-looking accessorizing this Pimp My Ride sub-culture has created, this is easily the ugliest most unnecessary shit ever. Which is why it’s probably heavily featured in every Yung Joc or Gorilla Zoe video currently being bought into heavy rotation on whatever pseudo-music channel still plays videos two hours a day on your television machine.
23. SPICE 1 GOT SHOT
RM: In all the rampant coverage of Pimp C dead in hotel room, Spice 1 getting shot, but surviving, has been lost. I think it is internet hip hop nerd rule of the week for me to refer to Spice 1 as a Bay Area Legend, which I think he gets because he was one of only four people from the Bay who had notable national records before 1997 or so. For me, Spice 1 has always been that guy who murked up the posse cuts on otherwise unquestionably funky Too Short records with his murder murder murder gun gun gun bullshit. I never got into Spice 1 because of that. I’d rather have Ant Banks on a track rhyming than Spice 1. But that’s just me. The beauty of the Spice 1 got shot story is how it supposedly happened. Spice got shot in front of his own house in the chest, because he fell asleep in his car outside his house. This led to him getting shot, because, as almost every gangsta rapper ever has always warned us, you can’t get caught sleeping.
KM: The Texas rap scene has had some big-ass setbacks. Dudes die everywhere, but these have been important people dying. It would be like a world where Afrika Bambaataa, Notorious BIG, EPMD and Heavy D were all big at the same time and then all of them die except for Erick Sermon. Meanwhile Kool G Rapp can't stay out of jail and Nas is beloved but can't get on high-profile albums unless he's with a materialistic rapper that isn't his equal. Oh wait, that last part actually happens. Big Moe and Pimp C die within a month of each other. Scarface needs to hold an in-service or something, sit everyone down and explain how to do the rap star thing without dropping dead. Devin the Dude has been smoking weed the whole time and I doubt he has too many enemies if his public persona is any indicator of his true behavior. If it's the barre, then cut that shit out man.
I don't really know much about Spice 1. His name is familiar to me as a Bay guy, but the only thing I know for sure is he's not Suga T. It's pretty shitty that he got shot in front of his own house. Idunno the context of if he lived in a Famous Person house or if he was living with regular people. If it's the former, where were his security dudes? If it's the latter, well that's pretty awful. He should find a better neighborhood yesterday. I hope he comes out of this okay.
CH: I’ve never been so amused at someone getting shot before. I didn’t know the whole deal before I read Raven’s shit so I didn’t know he got shot because he fell asleep.
“on call seven days per week, killa g's just don't sleep”
“ns that sleep don't wake up”
“i'm paranoid, is these enemies or foes?
can't call it, sleep with one open eye”
See, back when I was a little fag in grade 9, I listened to Spice 1 via my older cousin Ralph (haha yeah Ralph) and still sort of remember some of spice wonders raps. I guess the gangsta life wore him out. There's questions that have to be answered though right? Why was he sleeping in front of his own house?
How much are his boys going to make fun of him when he recovers? I need to know these things.
Speaking of people growing up and moving on; the last time I was saw Ralph I was in his ride, which was a minivan. Listening to christian music which he claimed was his wife’s. I asked him if he wanted to smoke some weed with me and he looked at me like I was asking him to fuck his two year old girl. This is the same guy who used to let me ride around drinking beer and smoking weed with his friends when I was 14. I should have fought him.
24. MIDDLE AGED WHITE LADIES
CH: Does anyone even like these people? Fuck them all. Fuckin christmas this and christmas that. Husband is saving the world, son getting a report card with 87 a's. Yo fuck your stupid $300 purse and your nasty clothes. No I won't meet your daughter. Yes, she's ugly as you. No, I don't find your flat ass attractive. Why do almost all women end up the same? See, I work an office job with all middle age white women. I have no idea how I got this job or why they hired me; and yes, I starting to think less of myself because of this fact. I'm the only guy on my floor besides this guy I call gimpy. He gimps around all fast like all the time because he has a problem with his leg. I stopped talking to him when he creepily started talking to me in the elevator about so and so's new hair colour.
Even in life, like when I go buy some soap or shit, there's surely going to be a white women in front of me who won't open her purse until the clerk tells her the amount. Takes 2 minutes to locate her debit card and then realizes she has change. Takes two more minutes to count out the right change so she can have even change and then props her purse on the counter so she can put back the millions things she took out in the first place and blocks me from paying. Meanwhile I'm giving her the charlie special staring hard at her while scaring the clerk.
Or that stupid fat white lady on the escalator who standing right in the middle so I can't walk by her. Then gives me a dirty look when try and squeeze by. Fuck you too fatty.
So yeah, I'm pretty sure i'm slowly being driven insane. I tell you, if certain things weren't illegal...
RM: I am almost 35, and by far the oldest member of this stupid ewa panel. As such, I feel it necessary to explain a second sort of puberty you hit, but more of a mental change. You see, when I was like 25, I was all like, "Eww, old girls are gross" just like Charlie is insinuating right here. But you start to turn a corner when a 45-year-old bitch is closer to your age than a 16-year-old bitch, and that's when shit goes buckwild inside your sexual urges. I mean, you don't close out the 16-year-old bitch fetish, because so young and so ripe and not yet polluted by the evil deeds of my fellow scumbags. But the older chicks start to get hot, and hot in a weird sex way where everybody kinda hangs different, but no one at all can get pregnant... usually. This is usually the age where people get into that group sex/swinging nonsense. I will admit, standing behind some slow ass lady at a cash register can be annoying, but hitting her crow-footed ass from behind in a hot tub while another fortysomething licks your ass like you were a star, that is a release that makes up for those annoying moments.
KM: There's nothing wrong with a middle-aged woman. At 26, I have yet to have one, but I know of a few that could get it if the occasion ever arose. My limit thus far has been 4 or 5 years older, which is weird to most of my friends who fuck Barely Legals. Fact is, I doubt most of the dudes reading this would say no if Vanessa Williams hit them up for sex and she's 44. If you thought a woman was hot when you were 13, then they may have put on a little weight but they're probably still attractive. Obviously there are exceptions for the dead (Anna Nicole Smith, who was still doable before she died) and the completely washed out (Tawny Kitaen!) but there are normal non-famous middle-aged women who age way the fuck well. Charlie must have had friends with ugly moms or something? There are some I can think of who looked better than any of their daughters.
25. THA DOGG POUND LEAVES CASH MONEY AFTER THREE MONTHS
JD: Weird how incestuous hip hop can be. Also weird how far someone like Kurupt and Daz could fall from being attached to Snoop back in the 90's could be running to Baby to get paid. Well from what I read, the problem was they didn't get paid at all. I see that is a perfect reason to bail.
When I first got out of college, I got a job as a manager of a Bob Evans restaurant. Not a real manager, but a manager in training that was called like an Assistant General Manager. I was suckered by the lure of making decent money, plus all sorts of bonuses and a few grand for moving, so I took the job. It was awful, but the one perk was being able to hire people. I was stationed at this tiny Bob Evans in Hanover, PA with a cook who was 17 that was a "gun runner", and a wait staff that was fresh off one of the day shift waitresses ODing in the handicapped bathroom a month before. My first hire was a girl who was obviously tweaked out on something. Knowing what I know now, I would bet it was an opiate. My thinking was, here is someone who needs loot, and she wants to be a full-time dishwasher; I would let the heroin shit slide, if she showed up for work and did the job. Two weeks into the job, pay day went down, but she didn't get a check. When I hired her, I explained that Bob held the first pay, but that escaped her, so she freaked when there was no check. She ran out into the dining room screaming how the place was bullshit and how their food was shit. She then grabbed an old lady's jacket and left the restaurant.
Here is the lesson learned: If you need loot, and where you are at is not giving it to you, bail. And lay off heroin.
KM: I had no idea that Tha Dogg Pound had signed with Cash Money Records back in August. I still remember reading somewhere about how Daz is rolling in fat residual dollars he won off Suge Knight in court and only raps and makes beats for the love now. It's hard to keep up with who's beefing there - in the span of about a year and a half, these two were together, then going at it, Kurupt signed with Death Row and hated Snoop too. Then Snoop made everyone play nice and I thought that was the end of it. One would imagine Snoop could have sat them down and talked about how well a run with New Orleans rap labels can turn out, but apparently not. Kurupt seems to have a knack for not getting paid, that's been the reason given for his last (X) label moves. At least Kurupt and Daz didn't roll out in colored camo and start kissing each other on the mouth!
COPYRIGHT. EWA INDUSTRIES. DECEMBER 2007.
Both hands crusty, bank account dusty. Ever, say my name again, you pussy.
Like, an angry cripple man, don't push me. Don't believe the kid, listen to me…
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